Thursday, May 24, 2007

Life Began At 40

I knew it would happen. I have been pondering it for a while. Every time I picked it up and knitted, I kept looking and wasn't sure. I ought to know that when that happens, I am going to change it.
So I ended up frogging an almost complete front of my Aran. I have designed a different one now and will start it again today. I am fairly certain I like this one!

Yesterday was a beautiful day. I sat and read my dog newspapers in the garden with my coffee, then knitted a while and then hung out my hand knitted socks to dry. I got sunburned yet I wasn't out that long.

Had a rough night because of pain. Normally, laying down and sleeping is okay. Especially as I now have a Memory Foam Mattress Topper. These things really do make a difference. However, last night not. Actually that isn't true, without it I'd have been much worse. As it was the pain was just confined to my lower back and hips. Getting up this morning was a lot of fun.

Last night at my meeting, one man is about to lose his home, a woman is losing her 30 year marriage and another is almost bankrupt. It all goes to remind me how lucky how I am to have the life I have.

I know much of this tiredness and pain is because of my Scottish trip. And this Monday I am off to Bath.

Now the specialist tells me I ought not be doing this sort of thing. I think he expects me to sit in my armchair and behave myself. F**k that!!!!

LIFE IS SHORT! And whilst I can still move about, I am going to do just as I please. So what if it hurts? So does keeping still!

For most of my life I was emotionally and mentally crippled which was far far far worse than this is. That prevented me living. That stopped me doing what I wanted to do. That kept me isolated. There is NO WAY I am letting this damn disease stop me living now after I fought so hard to get myself well.

At first, I did stop doing stuff, like a good patient. It didn't take long for me to know that not doing anything did nothing at all to relieve the pain. That my mood went downhill. That I was miserable and bored.

I am very very surprised that I live with this so well. I really thought that I'd be the type of person who would take to his bed and give up. Feel sorry for myself and live the rest of my days on my pity pot and expect to be nursed 24 / 7!

Far from it. I have found I am not like that at all. Not only that, but am not that good at being taken care of or asking for help! I am learning.

No matter how bad this can be sometimes, it is nothing compared to the emtional / mental pain I endured for years. There are times it hurts less. There are times my mobility is much better. This I get relief from. The emotional/mental pain was always there, no matter what. For year after year after year form being a child right thru till I was 40 when all that poison was finally able to be released thanks to meeting the right therapist who guided me thru the muck and didn't let me go. It took 5 years from 35-40.

Life really did begin at 40 for me.

I think it is plain that I am not about to let my body f**k it up for me!
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