Friday, May 04, 2007

A Day At A Time ( or less)

For the first time, I allowed this pain to get to me yesterday. Not one part of me doesn't hurt. All my joints, my groin, my hands, my legs, my hips, my chest. A constant nagging aching sometimes burning pain.

It isn't severe. When it is severe and I can hardly walk I can cope. I take pills, I rest a lot and I know it will pass.

However, this pain does not pass. It hasn't in years. It is there always. Pills don't releive it. It slows me down. It annoys me. Mostly I can and do distract myself-hence all the knitting and dog grooming!

Last night, though, I allowed my thinking to wander way past my usual limit. I started to think about the future. That scared me. I do not think ahead. I learned very quickly when I realised this deisease was here to stay and so was the pain, that I would have to really keep my thinking to within short spans. Why? Because the idea that I might have another 40 years of 24/7 pain is not a happy idea. It is quite horrifying. So I don't think about it.

I remain grateful for the life I have. I do everything I can and want to do, no matter how I am feeling. Dog shows, knitting, grooming -I do what I want to do and do not let my body dictate to me. Okay, I am not totally stupid and do make concessions-like the wheelchair and my sticks. Well, without my sticks I'd fall over anyway!

I still think this pain is so much easier to deal with than the emotional torment I lived with all those years.

I take co-codomol and diclofenac or ibrprofen and codiene on its' own. I only take these when I really really need to and for dog shows. I also have tramadol but to be frank have never taken them as I am scared to do so. They are a more heavy duty pain killer.

I don't really know where I was going with this post. Perhaps I was hoping for some insight to come. Maybe just having a moan will help.
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