When I first started to write this blog, I had no idea why and no idea what. Then I started to write about my past, my journey and personal stuff. It was scary but that fear soon went I realised that there were others out there who were reading it and gaining from it.
I get emails from people all over the world telling me they share my past. Some are still stuck in the pain. There is so little real help out there.
There are loads of therapists. I know. I saw loads of them. And most of them made matters worse. There are many 'self help', 'new age' 'self healing' books out there which ultimately tell you it's your fault that you are a mess.
Then there are the experts who appear on tv and tell us that once abused, one never recovers. That children who are abused are of a specific nature that makes the abuser seek them out. That there is something about us that makes it certain we will be abused.
No f*cking wonder it is so hard to recover!!!!! All this bullshit around.
YOU WERE ABUSED FOR ONLY ONE REASON-THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PERSON WHO ABUSED YOU. If you hadn't been there, it would have been someone else and it would not have been their fault either.
You DID NOT have a sign around you that said 'abuse me'. You were not passive and starving for love so therefore asking for it. You know all this crap is like saying that the raped woman ought not to have been dressed the way she was.
For those of us abused over a period of time, sexually, it was because you were manipulated emotionally and mentally. You were chosen because you were THERE. No other reason. It was not YOU. You could have been anybody and it still would have happened because it was never about you. It isn't now. It is about the abuser.
And if you were abused by parents, that was about THEM. It wasn't you who was unlovable. It was THEY who could not love. It wasn't you who was not acceptable. It was THEY who were unacceptable. And again, it wasn't YOU. Whoever they had in their power, they'd have abused that power. The problem was THEM all along.
Have SIBLINGS who also abused you? Or who colluded? It still is THEM not you. They CHOSE their way of dealing with the situation. For them it was easier to blame you than to face the fact of not being loved by their parents. So YOU become the villain and they can live their fantasy of having loving parents.
Are you still around your abusers? Are you still believing that you need to forgive to get well? That they are family so you must stick with them? It is all BULLSHIT and designed to keep you in chains.
You can get away and stay away. If a stranger abused you, who in their right mind would tell you had to remain friends with them? Family is no different. They do not deserve YOU. Get away, guilt free, if that is what you want. You will never get what you want form them. Love and acceptance and an apology. It won't happen. You don't NEED it either. WOW! Isn't that amazing? The one thing you thought you needed to live well, you don't need at all.
Honour Thy father and Thy Mother is used to beat us over the head and to keep us in chains. BOLLOCKS! You don't honour those who abuse you.
Anger is natural. Hatred is dangerous and damaging to you. Someone said that to hate is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die.
Those who don't love you are the ones missing out. You don't have to do back flips to find love. Just be you.
Someone else said, and I find it so true, 'I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not'.
Don't try and be what others want you to be. Be YOU. Life is very short. Don't waste trying to get the approval of people whose approval is not worth a damn. You need YOUR approval.
YOURS!!!!
I get emails from people all over the world telling me they share my past. Some are still stuck in the pain. There is so little real help out there.
There are loads of therapists. I know. I saw loads of them. And most of them made matters worse. There are many 'self help', 'new age' 'self healing' books out there which ultimately tell you it's your fault that you are a mess.
Then there are the experts who appear on tv and tell us that once abused, one never recovers. That children who are abused are of a specific nature that makes the abuser seek them out. That there is something about us that makes it certain we will be abused.
No f*cking wonder it is so hard to recover!!!!! All this bullshit around.
YOU WERE ABUSED FOR ONLY ONE REASON-THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE PERSON WHO ABUSED YOU. If you hadn't been there, it would have been someone else and it would not have been their fault either.
You DID NOT have a sign around you that said 'abuse me'. You were not passive and starving for love so therefore asking for it. You know all this crap is like saying that the raped woman ought not to have been dressed the way she was.
For those of us abused over a period of time, sexually, it was because you were manipulated emotionally and mentally. You were chosen because you were THERE. No other reason. It was not YOU. You could have been anybody and it still would have happened because it was never about you. It isn't now. It is about the abuser.
And if you were abused by parents, that was about THEM. It wasn't you who was unlovable. It was THEY who could not love. It wasn't you who was not acceptable. It was THEY who were unacceptable. And again, it wasn't YOU. Whoever they had in their power, they'd have abused that power. The problem was THEM all along.
Have SIBLINGS who also abused you? Or who colluded? It still is THEM not you. They CHOSE their way of dealing with the situation. For them it was easier to blame you than to face the fact of not being loved by their parents. So YOU become the villain and they can live their fantasy of having loving parents.
Are you still around your abusers? Are you still believing that you need to forgive to get well? That they are family so you must stick with them? It is all BULLSHIT and designed to keep you in chains.
You can get away and stay away. If a stranger abused you, who in their right mind would tell you had to remain friends with them? Family is no different. They do not deserve YOU. Get away, guilt free, if that is what you want. You will never get what you want form them. Love and acceptance and an apology. It won't happen. You don't NEED it either. WOW! Isn't that amazing? The one thing you thought you needed to live well, you don't need at all.
Honour Thy father and Thy Mother is used to beat us over the head and to keep us in chains. BOLLOCKS! You don't honour those who abuse you.
Anger is natural. Hatred is dangerous and damaging to you. Someone said that to hate is like swallowing poison and expecting someone else to die.
Those who don't love you are the ones missing out. You don't have to do back flips to find love. Just be you.
Someone else said, and I find it so true, 'I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not'.
Don't try and be what others want you to be. Be YOU. Life is very short. Don't waste trying to get the approval of people whose approval is not worth a damn. You need YOUR approval.
YOURS!!!!
12 comments:
Colin, I think that was the best text you have ever written..
have a great day.. Christa
It's very true and may be one of the hardest lessons to learn.
Very well said Colin.
AnnR
((((((((((Colin))))))))
thank you for this.....it helped me SO much; I've got tears in my eyes.
claire
(had a very rough week.....had to have one of the cats put to sleep)
Colin, I love this! Every word is so true! I have a dear friend who probably has never seen your blog and I'm going to send a link to this to her. Thank you! Your sanity heals more than any therapy!
Blessings!
Joan
It took me so many years to really, really get this message. I sure know a LOT of people who need to learn it.
Just caught up on "that email list" (I only read it about once a week, and never write any more, due to how NASTY people are to each other). Goodness gracious, Colin, you were making a joke. Maybe the list will be better with some of the homophobes finding a more compatible spot to hang out.
I know "it takes all kinds" but sometimes...I get really tired of the judgmental and humorless kind.
Colin, I've never written before, but have read your blog for a long time. I adore your outfits and have become a real fan of Whitney!
I'm also one of those bullied and abused as a child, and your post today is so true. Your comments went straight to my heart. Like you, I took the best part of 50 years to understand that it was not my fault, just as you wrote. Bless you for your post today. Dianne
You are in incredibly wise man Colin. Thank you for being there for those you know and complete strangers who need you.
(((Colin))) Over 20 YEARS of therapy did not convince me that I WAS NOT at fault for what happened to me. You did it in one blog post. Bless you, your willingness to share your understanding & your inner strength! I can't always keep up with your blog, but when I do, I find the most amazing insights!
colin,
I spent the better part of my childhood trying to figure out why my dad beat the crap out of me and my mom let him...I never could find an answer. To be abused by the persons who are supposed to love and take care of us is the worst! I did nothing to cause it, I was just there!
I am happy to say that the cycle ended with them! I am a good and loving parent to my children and I have spent my life working with children.
Everyhing you just wrote is the honest to God truth! Colin you rock! Thank you for your insight and care!
An excellent post Colin and so very true. Beverley
Colin, I know I've made this same remark before, but I have to repeat myself - I so admire how intelligently you express yourself, do you realize how many people you are helping with your insights, learned so painfully and shared so generously!
Thank you, in tears......
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