WHAT MY DISABILITY MEANS

These are Whitney's puppies at 10 days old. They are doing very well. I have to say that the underfloor heating in the sunroom is clearly doing these puppies very well. Most of the time they are sleeping apart from each other and certainly apart from their mother who they only go to when they want milk. They are also very quiet. Of course the sun room is a definite no-no if I had a spring or summer litter as they would definitely be far too hot. Even now that it is winter any son will raise the temperature to about 26-27°c.

I have had a rather strange week. I have spent most of it asleep. I have been getting up at 5:30 AM every morning to go for a swim and I am very pleased about that. You would not believe the difference it makes  to me. I feel that if I have done my swim whatever else happens for the rest of the day is perfectly all right. However, I did not expect that I would go to sleep! I sit down in my armchair to listen to some  music  and before I know it I have gone to sleep. Last night I also fell asleep in my armchair and I was so deeply asleep that John had to call me three times before I was aware that the phone was ringing! I went to bed and I still slept well.

 The house renovations are almost at an end but it will be December before we can even begin to sort out our close and shoes and put them away. At the moment the office where my computer is is full of clothes and shoes and so is the sunroom. The house feels very crowded indeed.

The two bedrooms upstairs are now completely decorated. We now need them to  be carpeted. The large bedroom where my knitting machines are will have shelving all the way around in order to accommodate all of my Doc Martens. The smaller bedroom will be my dressing room it will have inbuilt wardrobes and a chair and also a grab rail on the wall because John is not always here when I need to dress. 

I am now on to new drugs. This takes my daily intake to morphine, tramadol, gabapentin,paracetamol, rosuvastatin, amitriptyline, aspirin, baclofen,  Valium occasionally and to daily tablets which I cannot remember the name of one of which is to rid myself of excess water and the other is to control my bowel.  all in all about 42 pills a day.  The Valium is very occasional. It enables me to sit still long enough to watch a film as long as I get the dosage right. Too little and I am unable to keep still and too much sends me to sleep! However having said that the baclofen works really well with regard to my muscles and the spasms and so I have had no need to take Valium for quite some time and maybe I won't have to again.

I am going to write a blog post which details all the symptoms as far as I can recall that my disease causes. The reason for doing this is because it has become very apparent to me recently that I am not really aware of what is normal and what is my disability because I have become so used to it. The reason this has become important is because my doctor for want of a better word is annoyed or disappointed that I am not telling her the whole truth. I have not explained that well my doctor is absolutely lovely. But even my John has noticed that I do not tell the truth when I am asked detailed questions about how my disease affects my daily life. It isn't partly because of my training about  one must keep a stiff upper lip and not complain  and partly because I have got so used to the way my body is that I just do not see it as abnormal. I do not view myself as a disabled person and John says I am far more disabled then I think  I am. And for John to say something like that I know that he is speaking the truth

I was brought up not to complain. And certainly not to complain about the abuse. If I tried to I was abused even further or I was called a sissy who was making a fuss about nothing. This is why my disease went and diagnosed for so many years because I did not go to the doctor to complain about the things that my body was doing. At that time my body was doing things intermittently which did not help.

There are other symptoms of course which I have not spoken about because much to my surprise I realise that I am embarrassed by them. I really did not think I was that sort of person and am normally willing to talk about anything. However the problems I have with my bowel and my bladder I have been keeping to myself. Oh yes I have said that I have IBS and I make jokes about it.  What I do not say is that although normally I would get quite severe pain which would warn me that I need to go and go quickly there  are other times when I have  no warning whatsoever which inevitably leads to accidents. Apart from once or twice this has always been at home because when I go out especially to dog shows I take a lot of morphine and this ensures that I will not need to go. If I did I would have problems because I would need help to get dressed again.

Now as regards my bladder. The new drug baclofen has really helped in that regard that as a side-effect. It would seem that I had an irritable bladder as well and the baclofen has reduced the amount of times I need to go and when I do I do a lot instead of just small amounts very frequently. However the one thing it has not cured is my inability to know whether I have finished or not. So I need to change my underwear frequently during the day. For dog shows I wear a woman's pad.

I am constantly falling over because my balance is terrible. I cannot walk in a straight line and I  Always veer to the left. I have done this for many years but now it is very much worse. I must fall by at least half a dozen times a day. When I say fall I do not mean that I fall enough to hit the ground. I do sometimes but most of the time I was somebody else manages to stop me from falling. In my own house it is very easy because there's always something I can grab hold of. Outside it is not so easy. For some reason most of the time that I fall will be when I am standing still and I always fall backwards. It is this falling backwards that is a common symptom of my spinal  disease.

Then of course my speech is affected also. There are times when I can barely get my words out and other times I sound as if I'm drunk. My memory is absolutely appalling. I will lose in mid sentence what I am talking about and sometimes I can be listening to somebody talking to me and I become completely unaware of what they are saying it is as though my brain just switches off.

My hands will not write any more and I have many problems trying to do up buttons on shirts and trousers. My shoes already have theirs laces tied up and I do not undo them when I remove my shoes and I use a shoehorn to get my shoes back on. With my boots John ties them up for me.

Getting out of bed in the morning has become easier because of the electric bed. I pressed the button until my back is vertical  and I am then able to get my feet on the ground. If I still cannot stand I can press another button which will push my bottom-up until I am in a standing position. You can imagine what a nightmare it was to get out of bed before we had this bed. I used to have to roll out of bed until I fell onto the floor and then I would get up onto my knees and I would use the radiator and the bed to haul myself up. With John's help I will remove my pyjamas and I will have a shower. Then we must sort out what I shall wear that day. I forgot to add that before I can even think of getting undressed I must take my drugs  and wait for them to take effect. It would usually be about 90 minutes between getting out of bed and getting out of the shower. I will then need to rest before I get dressed. All in all it takes about 2 1/2 hours before I am ready to go out and this is with John helping me.

Our toilet and bathroom are upstairs. There is no way that I can go upstairs every time I need to urinate. Fortunately there is a drain outside the front door, I mean the back door. 

 This article has been typed using a voice to type recognition software, DragonDictate for Mac, because without this I cannot type any more. oh, I can type but the amount of errors I make that makes it not worthwhile.

Fortunately for me I can drive and I drive very well. I do not lose concentration and because I have an automatic and a very comfortable and upright chair I find that driving is one of the most comfortable things that I can do. Having said that I still need to stop at intervals to get out of the car because my body seizes up from being in the one position for too long.

Part of the reason for the new hi-fi system, well in fact all of the reason, is because of my disability. All of my music is on my Mac and I can control that from my lap. No we did not have to buy high-end British handmade hi-fi equipment but it was John's retirement present to us both as we both really appreciate good music.

 it is also more expensive for disabled people to live day to day lives. Now that the weather has become cooler the house has to be heated 24-hour was a day because cold is a real killer for me. And I do not exaggerate. Getting cold is not only painful but dangerous. I seem unable to regulate my own body temperature very well. Their heating in the house must be on 24-hour was a day. Although this year we are definitely feeling the benefits of the new insulation because we have so far only had to have the heating on in the house  for short periods.  the heating in the sunroom is of course on 24/7 because of the puppies.

I am unable to use knives and so therefore I'd buy my vegetables already prepared and ready to cook. I cannot lift a pot safely. Most of my food is microwaved. When John is here then my food choices are different because he is able to do what I am not

One of the things that I suppose annoys me is the comments people have made to me about showing my dogs. Well if you have read this far you will understand why I have to get up a full two hours before I can leave for a dog show and this is without having a shower. For me to do a dog show requires 120mg  of morphine.  400 mg of tramadol.  3 g  of paracetamol and 1600 g of gabapentin.  This is how I manage to do a dog show.  Drugs themselves are not enough. Grit and determination and stubbornness  and a strong desire to do what I want to do is what gets me through. You would not believe the agony  I am in after a dog so or even during a dog show. However, it is my choice to do this and I will continue to do this for as long as I am able.

There are some sick people at dog shows who have gone as far as to say that they believe that my condition is all an act so that the judges will feel sorry for me and that is why my dogs win! And there are other people who are just plain ignorant and it does not occur to them how difficult it is for me. No, the last thing I want is pity but it would be helpful if people understood that there is a limit to how fast I can move when in the ring and that it takes me longer to get my dog on the table. I do all of this with a smile on my face because I really do enjoy the dog shows and I am very proud of myself that I and doing them. I had no idea that I had the sort of gumption that I am most certainly have

The reason for this article is that recently I have felt that I have had to justify myself.  Not only that but for medical reasons I have had to give a lot of thought to the way my daily life is. As my darling John has pointed out I have become so used to my disabilities that I have become unaware of maps of what I do or don't do and I no longer see what is normal and what is not. For instance it takes him about five minutes to get out of bed and get dressed if he is not showering. It takes me about 90. My doctor needs to know about every single symptom but I get because they are important because it shows the deterioration of my disease. Like for example when my neck fell forward so that my chin was touching my chest and I could not move it because of pain. Although this was very frightening it was not the permanent thing that I thought it would be. All that it required was the baclofen which keeps my muscles relaxed.

So there we have it. I am sure that I have still left things out but this is the best I can do for now. I will say to the survivors who are reading this this is just another example of how invasive into every single part of our lives the after-effects of the abuse is. I would have had treatment for my disease many years previous had I not felt that I was just making a fuss about nothing because that is what I was always taught. Even when I broke my foot I was told that I was making a lot of fuss about nothing and in fact my foot went untreated because of this I think it was something like 18 months before my foot was put in plaster to straighten out the bone and the way it had healed or something like that I was very young and I cannot really remember the details I only remember that I was constantly told that might complaining about my foot hurting was just me being a sissy. So you see we do need to speak up.

Three Days

'I have known you only three days..."

PUSH, DAMN YOU, PUSH!!!

Whitney had her puppies yesterday morning after a very long first stage of labour. She actually started scratching up on Friday so I had to stay close to her from then on, sleeping on the armchair. Her temperature did not drop until Sunday afternoon and I knew then that the puppies would be born that evening. However that did not happen and she did not have her first visible contraction until 5:10 AM Monday morning. I have never had a bitch take that long in the first stage of labour. During this stage contractions are happening but they are not visible.  

The first puppy born was a full breach birth and he was very difficult to get out of her. This puppy is not going to make it. I thought that maybe he would but I now know that he isn't. Because of the trauma of his birth he was born without his placenta and umbilical cord.  Unfortunately, his bowel fell out of the hole  that this left.  although I put it all back in easily enough I really did not expect that this puppy would survive. Amazingly, the hole has healed over.  I mean skin has grown over the hole not that there is a scab.  Despite this,  he does not look or feel right and I am as certain  as I can be that he will die. 

 We have the decorators in and they are working on the two bedrooms upstairs. They have stripped all the wallpaper will be laying lining paper and then painting.

New shelving and wardrobes will be put into these two bedrooms. The two built in wardrobes in the main bedroom will be used for clothing and John will put shelving up all around the walls for my Dr Martens. I have two knitting machine setup, complete with motors because I cannot knit without them now,  and they will stay there.

 And the smaller bedroom will have wardrobes put in and this room will be used as my dressing room which will make life much easier as there will be room for a chair which I need to sit on in order to get dressed and there will be more space generally.

Having a dressing room will make such a difference to me. Dressing is one of the major challenges of my day. So much so that as much as I do not like to admit it I now do not get dressed unless I know I am going out. Not only is it dangerous for me in that I am much more likely to fall it takes a long time and is tiring! So I hang about in my "leisure outfits". These are pull on or pull over, hence they are much easier to put on. I would prefer not to be in my pyjamas all day but I would rather use the energy required to get dressed on something else.

I have learned a lot more about myself recently and about how the effects of abuse upon the psych are subtle or perhaps one could say they hide in plain sight. It has come to my attention recently how my illness and my treatment is greatly affected by the negative things that the abuse taught me.  I have only recently become aware of this. I intend to write a separate post about this. I will be listing all of the effects of my disease as best I can and also relating how the negative programming of the abuse has affected my reporting of my disease to the doctor and therefore my treatment.

ALL'S WELL

Just to say that al is well here, just very busy. Whitney's had her puppies. The decorators are in. I will be writing more as soon as I can. 

SEX REVIVAL?

The new bed is amazing. I sleep very well on it. The remote control is very responsive and the bed goes up and down very easily. It has got me thinking that I might have a sex life again since the bed moves up and down on its own… 

 My legs are very painful from yesterday at the pool but don't care because I feel pleased with myself because I did it. The pain is weird it is not the usual muscle aching that one gets if you've been weightlifting or running (not that I have done either of those things for many years). No it comes from my pelvic region down both thighs and is more like a burning electric type pain. Very hard to describe. I imagine it is neurological or nerve pain.

 I may go for a swim later or I may bathe dogs. Or I may do far call. (My voice to type still refuses to swear. I do think it is quite clever in what it actually writes. If you say the words out loud it is obvious what I actually said.)

 I've actually been up for hours but I got waylaid by music on the Internet. I was sent a link to a radio concert that Iris deMent did and that sent me off listening to Neil Young and he sent me off to listen to John Prine. I bought to John Prine CDs. You can get CDs incredibly cheaply. I often buy them second hand for £1.50! After all I only record them onto my MacBook Pro and file the CD away. My MacBook Pro is plugged into my hi-fi system and is only used for music. All of the tracks are recorded in AIFF as this is what the CD files are and therefore this is the best quality. Yes it does take up more space. The only other file I will use is Apple lossless but at the moment most is in AIFF. 

 One of my boasts because I'm very pleased with myself that I was able to do it, is that I changed the hard disk inside my MacBook Pro to a solid-state 1 from Crucial. I am sure my heart stopped when I pressed the button to start the MacBook Pro after I had changed the hard disc. The relief I felt when it started up properly!

Whitney is now about 10 days away from giving birth. She has already claimed her whelping quarters which she has had available  for a couple of weeks. She got in it immediately it was put up. Even when she had her first litter she knew what the whelping box and pen were for. The whelping box is in the sunroom because of the underfloor heating which is going to be much better for both the puppies and her. If the sun is shining then the sun room gets warm but not too warm.

I had wondered with the sunroom how it was going to be in the winter. I assumed that if the sum was shining and then the room would still get warm. The temperatures have been in the high 50s and the sun room reaches about 25°C during the day. It remains to be seen what it is like when the outside temperature is near zero even with the sun shining.

And we are already feeling the effects of the new insulation.  Normally by now we would have the house central heating on at night because the outside temperature is falling well below 10°C. We have had no reason to turn it on and I am sleeping without my duvet covering me. I find that I am perfectly warm enough in my so-called lounge outfits. (This consists of silk longjohns and silk longsleeved vest, lounge trousers, longsleeved T-shirt, and then a T-shirt. In winter, the longjohns and the longsleeved vest become silk and cotton or wool and cotton.)   I imagine that our fuel bill is going to be lower now that we have the insulation. I really am surprised at the difference it has already made.

BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN

 The appointment with my doctor went really well. I had properly prepared for it so I remembered to tell her not just what I knew I was going to tell her about, but what John wanted me to tell her as well.

I did tell John that I thought that my doctor probably realised that I minimised everything to do with my disease and my mood. I do not do this deliberately. It is what I learned to do and in fact what I was taught to do. In common with very many other survivors of childhood abuse I learned a very clever trick; I learned to disassociate. The best way I can think of to describe this is that one is able to go elsewhere in one's mind when bad things are happening. This ability of course has been very good in enabling me to cope with my disease. I am able to put my awareness elsewhere.  Unfortunately, this also means that I do not really recognise the truth and so I do not of course tell it when I am asked. However, my doctor did tell me that she knew just from the way that I moved or the way that I looked that my answers to the questions were not truthful! It was made clear to me today that I do need to tell her everything that I experience. I am not sure how well I am going to be able to do this because the ability to disassociate is not exactly deliberate and so I am not aware that I am not aware! Minimising is so ingrained, and the teaching to not 'be a sissy' and to 'not make a fuss' is ingrained also and all of this combined with the trauma of abuse and seeing my best friend killed when I was 7, just makes it difficult for me to always be present. the ability to not be present does have it's up side-it helps me live a good life despite my fcked up body. If I turned my awareness on 24/7 I'd not be happy.  I have just realised that my awareness suddenly being turned on is possibly what causes those episodes I get occasionally aware I become extremely uncomfortable and I have to remove all of my clothing because having the clothing touching me is too much to bear. I certainly could not live with that 24/7!

It has only been a combination of recent happenings that made me realise that I had to speak with my doctor frankly about my day-to-day living. The first thing was that the weekend before the one just past, Paul, the man who works in the clothes shop where we sometimes by clothes,  mentioned that he could tell that it was painful for me to try on clothes.  I was really surprised that he should say that and I asked him what made him think it and he said that it was obvious from my face and the way that I moved. When I questioned John about it later he too said that he was able to tell how I was by the look on my face and by how I moved and held my body. I asked the people at the pool today and their answer was exactly the same.

Due to the above I realised that I needed to tell my doctor what was going on with my body. Oh, the other thing that happened that really brought it home to me was earlier today I realised I had left the bathroom light on and I made myself go back upstairs to switch it off. For some reason, when I got to the top of the stairs I became conscious of the fact that I've felt exhausted and that I hurt all over and that I needed to sit down. I did no such thing of course and I just went back downstairs and carried on with what I  was doing which was getting ready to go to the pool. I think that moment of conscious awareness  enabled me to realise what it is that I need to speak to the doctor about.

 As I realised because of the wonderful effect it has had on me, the baclofen was not prescribed to me as a temporary fix but as a hopefully permanent one. It has worked far better than the doctor was hoping and of course I had no idea what it would do because the only muscle relaxant I knew  of was Valium and that only really worked when taken in a dose large enough to make me fall asleep! In other words it isn't that much good. I did not hold out much hope that the baclofen was going to enable my neck to move again. Not only did it make my neck move again but it has made my whole body feels so much better. I have only been aware of muscle pain when I have had extreme spasms either in my legs  all my rib cage. I did not realise just how taut my whole body was the whole time.  As you can imagine it has made a remarkable difference to the way that I feel in a positive way. I will be continuing to take the 40 mg a day but will have a diuretic added as it does indeed seem that I have retaining water.  I would much rather deal with the side-effect of this drug by taking the diuretic than by stopping the drug.

To all those who wrote to me I want to tell you how much I appreciate your support and let you know that I did feel supported.  All of you pointed out how stressful the house renovations and the wedding in the last six months have been. Not something I really took into account, especially the wedding. My doctor is in full agreement with all of you! 

I feel much more positive now about tomorrow and onwards and I feel that I am more likely to be able to return to my normal routine as it was prior to the house renovation starting. Yes, I do know that it will take time and that I must not expect I shall be back to normal by tomorrow. It does seem  though that it is possible now and that is what is most important: that I feel that it is possible.

HARD TO BE HONEST

TUBE SOCKS BEFORE AND AFTER WEAR

THE SOCKS ABOVE ARE TUBE SOCKS, NO SHAPING FOR HEEL, JUST FINISHED.

THE PAIR BELOW ARE THE SAME PAIR AFTER NORMAL 24 HOUR WEAR, IN SHOES AND IN HOUSE SANDALS.

THEY ARE KNITTED ON 2MM NEEDLES OVER 80STS FOR MY UK8 FOOT. I BELIEVE THAT IS A US 10 MENS. WHATEVER, MY FOOT IS 9.5" AROUND THE BASE OF TOES.

DOING DRUGS

Chase

ESCAPING THE NUT HOUSE

OUT TO GLORY

MAKING PATTERNED/STRIPED SOCK YARN

MG Fussing

DISCOGS - VINYL NASTIES

On September 8th and 9th  I ordered some records off of buyers who were listed on this site called DISCOGS.  I ordered around about 25 albums from various sellers. All but one of these vinyl records was advertised as in mint condition. I bought only one that was advertised as near mint and I did so because I really wanted that particular album. this album was near perfect and no trouble playing. 

Out of the first seven albums to arrive, I found three or maybe four  to certainly not be in mint condition.  As the bad records were mounting up I became very displeased. In the forums of this selling place I wrote a post that was headed MINT? Are you kidding!

 I stated exactly what had happened. I named nobody.  I was soon responded to by a really vile gentleman named Andy Wax  or something like who immediately attacked me personally and called me a liar. He stated that there was absolutely no way I would be unlucky enough to get so many untruthful sellers. I was roundly attacked for having left negative feedback. Quite what else one is supposed to do I do not know. There is no way that these sales can be rectified. Even if I had my money refunded it would not alter the fact that the sale was a bad one and negative feedback is fully justified. They seem to think that sellers should be able to pay their way out of a situation of bad faith.


Unfortunately the public bashing by Andy Wax  did not stop there. I then started to get private messages haranguing me and using pretty much the same language. I began to suspect that the public postings and these private emails were all from the same person. 

Ridiculously I was accused of naming and shaming in public when the proof that I did not was there for all to see! 

As the insults and attacks on my character just became worse I withdrew from that site and blocked all emails from it. 

As I had three records still left to receive I did not feel that I could just ignore it and felt it would be unfair to not leave feedback to those who had fulfilled their part  and sent me mint records.  

Today, I received another one of my orders and now I am truly pissed off.  I am pretty pissed off with myself  for allowing this  obnoxious bully to make me feel bad,  even to the extent that I left one person positive feedback when the record did not deserve it. You can see photographs of just three of the records that I have received.  I include only one album sleeve which has food stains on it because I was told that that was a downright lie and that this seller was known to the one that was slagging me off. I can only assume that that is not true but even if it is the photograph clearly shows dried food on the cover. I'd do not care about the covers despite them being described as mint or near mint and not being.  I just show it as an example of the sort of lying I have been subjected to.

 Needless to say I will never do this again. Not from DISCOGS or from any other site.  This has been a very expensive lesson. The fail rate is far too high. Not only have I been ripped off financially but I had my character trawled through the mud on top of it  by some nasty piece of work who I suspect has rather more to do with the shit records  that I received. Otherwise I just cannot understand his  vicious attacks on me.  Of course he could just be  the type of person who does not need an excuse to treat somebody in such an appalling manner. Whatever the situation I cannot prove it either way. I am not interested in doing so either. I certainly cannot have my say on the site so I am having it here on my blog and I am publishing photographs of  three  of the records.  It  is beyond my understanding that anyone could describe these records as mint.

Hope Less

HOPE -LESS, FOR MORE LIFE

One of the explanations I have read for people venting their anger and hatred to award another group of people-such as those of a different colour or a different sexuality-no matter how illogical it is-is that their anger and hurt stems from their family of origin and they cannot bring themselves to admit that.  They cannot let go of the fantasy of having had good and loving parents. Their rage has to go somewhere and so it goes outwards towards groups such as this. I know from my own experience that even when people have heard certain details of my upbringing their response has been “but you must still love them"! There is no must about it! I do know people who say that they love their abusive parents about all that I see is that they are still desperately trying to prove to their abusive parents that they are good children and worthy of their love. They would rather do this than let go of the hope that one day they will be good enough for their parents. Letting go of that hope is indeed a very painful thing to do but it is a vital thing to do if one is to have any chance at a good life.

HOPE IN THE AIR

Usually upon rising each morning and letting the dogs out the conservatory is always warm. This morning was the first time that in fact it was chilly. I opened the roof blinds ,just three in an alternate pattern. This has brought the temperature up. 

 Although I feel better than I did yesterday I'm still not up to doing much although I have to go and get my trolley motorised today. This is my 4 berth show trolley for the dogs. I have already tried out the motorised version and I am very pleased with it and it is certainly going to make a huge deal of difference to me. 

 Our house is still pretty much a mess though it is a much more organised mess. We are waiting upon the 2 final rooms being decorated and carpeted and this will not happen until October. Once that is done we can then buy the wardrobes and shelving that we need.

 I also have at least half a dozen machines to find homes for. That is probably a vast understatement of how many I will need to part with. The knitting machines are used the most I am obviously keeping and I will keep those that are the same versions so that I have spares if anything goes wrong. Even as I write this I am still thinking more in terms of what I can keep rather than what I can get rid of! Oh dear me! This is such a silly one as there is absolutely no way that I can justify keeping so many machines now that I am physically incapable of using them to any great extent. Yes keeping the 2 motorised ones and those that are the same or near models makes sense because I can still knit for myself and for John. I can also knit cashmere sweaters and sell them via my sock shop. I have already tried this and it worked. If I have a goal of one sweater a month I don't think I am being unreasonable. 

 As I laid back in my electric armchair last evening listening to music, I felt so happy and so grateful to have my dream audio setup. This has always been a dream of mine. Although if you had asked me I probably would not have mentioned this particular dream because I would have thought of it as a very selfish one. Old training dies hard! This audio system though is for both John and I. I use it the most at the moment because John is more taken up by his writing. 

Whitney is definitely pregnant and she is due on the 23rd of October. I have never yet had one of my girls go right to the full date so as the 23rd is a Tuesday I will expect these puppies on the Saturday or Sunday before. Now watch Whitney make a fool out of me by giving birth on the 23rd! 

 By the time this litter is born it will have been almost 2 years since I last had one. I have never lost the thrill that having a litter of puppies brings. It is not just whether or not this will bring a really good show dog into the world but I wonder at all the little personalities that they develop because they are always different no matter what. I find it fascinating and I am looking forward to meeting these new little personalities.

Kirk Cameron Blames Liberal Press For Twisting His Antigay Comments | Advocate.com

Kirk Cameron Blames Liberal Press For Twisting His Antigay Comments | Advocate.com

the worst kind of religious nit wit. Dangerous.

TUBE SOCK ON FOOT

As requested by several people, here is the tube sock on the foot. yes, that is a st st roll at the very top. A feature I was asked for by the person these are for.

TUBE SOCKS

This is the first pair of Tube socks I have knitted. Knitted this way as this is what the recipient wanted. Surprisingly, and rather annoyingly, they fit really well despite no heel shaping. the yarn is one of the SuperSocke 100 ones. Knitted using Chiao Goo 2mm circulars. Knitted simultaneously so that each sock is finished almost at the same time. 

NOT MY FRIEND

I am rather astonished at how angry the Americans who are on the far right manage to make me feel. I have tried hard not to be and I have tried hard to understand them. I find I just cannot. Their hatred of their country and of their president just astounds me. They cannot see how crazy they are. And I really do mean crazy. Paranoid. They sound just like these people who insist that we are all being abducted by aliens every night or that every kindergarten is a nest of Satanic abuse. Yes, they really do sound just like that. It is very frightening to realise just how many seemingly normal people are truly dangerous. The world has much to fear from America taken over by the far right. What is more there are people I know who are decent and kind and like me are fiscally conservative. However, that is no excuse to vote in people filled with hatred of their fellow human beings and whose motto seems to be I'm all right Jack,  Fok you.  (my voice recognition software refuses to swear!)

The hatred shown for their current President is truly shameful. They are stupid enough to believe that it has nothing to do with his colour. Pull the other one.

In this country, we have right and we have left and we have  centre and various shades in between.  anybody who is extreme is  generally ignored or brought into the Public conversation for amusement.  I find it horrifying that in America these people are taken seriously and are revered!

The ignorance shown by so many when they fling around the word socialism or Marxism Leninism when they haven't a clue what they're talking about. Certainly the current president is none of those things.  What he is is black. What he also is is a man who is trying to make the United States of America a fairer place and the crazies on the right have done everything in their power to prevent him in the last 4 years. They seem to forget, highly conveniently, that the financial mess was left by a certain Mr Bush and that the people on the right in government have done all that they can to prevent the President putting it right.

An American theocracy is a danger to the whole world let alone the people of America. Even as I write this I am still just completely flummoxed and astounded and ashamed by what I read from people that appear really quite normal and yet filled with so much paranoia and hate.

To be a fiscal conservative does not mean one has to to hate difference. It does not mean one has to control women. It does not mean that government should interfere in the lives of private people or even in the private lives of people!  Know these people on the right to keep banging on about small government are plain liars. What they don't want is government interfering in their lives but they want to interfere in the lives of those they do not like. Anybody they see as different they want to interfere in their life. The small government idea is a lie.

The extremes of right and left are a danger to us all. Think about that before you decide to vote for these crazies.

Now there are people who say they are my friend and yet are going to vote for a man who hates gays and who is going to make sure that our rights are never given  back to us and will do all that he can to remove any rights that we already have. You are not my friend.

PUBLIC SPECTACLE

I came within seconds of really losing my temper in a public place the other day. I was grooming one of my dogs and out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman embrace John  and then along with her husband started chitchat.

If you have read my blog you may remember that I wrote about this couple that I had been friends with for over 30 years. However 2 years ago they asked me to do something, which they would  never have done if asked of them, and my answer to it was no. I have not heard from them since.

I did meet them many months later at a dog show and when I asked why I had not heard from them the response I got from her was a complete lie. “Well you didn't send us a pedigree when we asked." Now who ends a 30 year friendship over a damn pedigree?  Apart from which, this was a complete lie. The last conversation that we had had was that they were bringing their bitch down to be mated to my boy but during the conversation they asked instead if they could take my boy home with them. Clearly these people had no faith in me whatsoever and thought I did not have the wherewithal to  make sure that their bitch was mated by my stud! I said no.  Anyway that was the last I heard from them.

Now the point is John had been saying for years that these people were not the friends that I thought they were. He grew to dislike both of them. However, they were my friends and so he very lovingly was always polite and friendly to them and never said what he thought. He did this for me.

Surprisingly, I am not hurt by their behaviour I am just angered by it. The fact that they ended our friendship because I dared to say no to them actually did me a huge favour because I could then stop worrying about whether my gut feeling about their using of me was correct or not.

What angers me the most is that this woman knows more personal stuff about me than even John does. She knows more about what happened to me as a child than anybody else does apart from my therapist. She also knows the difficulties I have with people, especially when it comes to trust.  She betrayed my trust in her completely.  Her use of what she knew about me  to manipulate me is simply wicked.

A lot of my anger surrounding this is the fact that I let it go on for so many years. However I must remember to give myself a break and realise that I am not today the person that I was then. These people took full advantage of  me  not just by emotionally manipulating me but financially also.

I am still shocked and bewildered at the turn of events. I have to say though that I have given this very little thought and I only write about this now because of the recent event that brought it to a head. I am very glad that I managed to calm myself down by leaving the vicinity and going for a short walk! It would not have looked good at all had I given them what for and told them exactly what I thought. I would have been the one to come across as a monster. 

What really got to me was how they greeted John in such a manner and how she threw her arms around him so close to me yet completely ignoring me.  That is truly spiteful behaviour. I did so much for those people  and because I had the temerity to say no they shit all over me.  It is their loss for sure.  It is just rather hard to take when one realises that a 30 year friendship which meant a great deal to me was not what I thought it was at all. They became the good parents that I never had  and yet they turned out to be no better than those I already had.  In fact, possibly worse because I don't know what sort of person would take advantage of such a vulnerable person and use what they know about them to their advantage.

 Depending on how long you have been reading my blog you will know that I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was so diagnosed in my teens. I have done much work to control this. I mention this because one of the things that the woman often reminded me of was what a good friend she was to have put up with me when my illness was at its peak, both in terms of depression and also mania.  I refused to acknowledge the emotional blackmail she was using by telling me how good she was to me when others wouldn't be.  The more I think about how I allowed her especially to manipulate me the more angry I become  so I guess the root of my anger is really toward myself. Yet I must remind myself once again that the Colin back then who was un- recovered and not in control is not somebody I ought to be angry at at all but someone I should feel nothing but compassion for. It is not always easy.

I have been unmedicated for my bipolar disorder for 12 years now. I have had neither the depths of depression  nor the height of mania since then. I did learn that I became very depressed in winter so now I use a light box which really does work. In times of stress, I do become hyper but it has never developed into full-blown mania. I have pretty much  learned the warning signs and I take avoiding action.

TANTRA-THE REAL STORY

I was in Australia when I 1st came across the Lhasa Apso.  I had seen a photograph of a grey shaggy looking dog on the cover of Australian Dog. This was later to become Champion Cheska Mr Ed, if I recall correctly. I got a boy and a girl from the Singtuk kennel. Unfortunately I was still a child and I did not have parents who considered children important and certainly not their dogs. My dogs were given away when we were brought back to England very much against my will. This was in 1975. 

 I used to travel to Lhasa Apso club shows. In the late 70s I acquired one female from Hardace and later in 1981 another female from the same kennel. Neither of these were of any quality but it really did not matter as circumstances dictated that I could not breed or show. 

 Very much later after several years of successful person Showing where I bred champions and group winning champions and Best in show winning champions, I was finally able to move out to the country. I found it impossible to buy in a decent female. 

 Unbeknownst to me, that there had been a concerted campaign of lies and cruelty towards me which resulted in me being refused membership of one of the breed clubs. When this happened I decided it was time to confront the source of all this gossip. 

 I went out on my own and I imported two females one from Denmark and one from France. I bred quietly on my own until I felt I had something good enough to show. My 1st championship show was at Windsor in 2006. I have campaigned seriously since then and have attended almost every championship show available.I have qualified every single dog I have shown, which now amounts to about 11. 

 I will always be grateful to Linda Robinson of Polielin for allowing me to buy my pick of litter out of her litter of 7 puppies. This black female was to become the famous Whitney. To give her her proper name, BISS Ch Polielins Whitney with Tantra. Whitney is not only the most delightful dog to live with and the only one I can never say that I have truly fallen in love with and she with me, She is also an excellent example of a Lhasa Apso. I retired her at the end of 2010, and in January 2011 she had her 1st litter.

 From this letter I have kept Pussy and Deita. Deita went to live with Kutani. Her full name now is Champion Tantra's Plenty O'Toole is Kutani. ( I can only say that my relationship with Wendy of Kutani is a very good one and I can only wish that it had started much sooner than it did. Our friendship is a surprise to both of us and represents a salutary lesson for those whose aim in life is to gossip and tear other people down. I have been very touched by Wendy's kindness and the very thoughtful things that she has done for both John and I.) 

 As for the 2 bitches that I imported, they are behind the 2 dogs I am now showing. Tantra's Mary Grace and Tantra's Chase Me. Mary Grace has won the limit class twice and chase won his very 1st class and has qualified for Cruft's. He has been shown 3 times and has been in the top 3 each time. Chase is the 4th generation of my own breeding.Mary Grace is his mother. So regardless of the fact that I have loved this breed for 40 years I have in fact only been a serious exhibitor for 6 years. All the above achievements have been in the last 6 years. 

 Especially because of my health situation, I will not be able to campaign every quality puppy that I produce. It is therefore entirely possible that top-quality puppies will be available from me. However, puppies for showing will not be sold at 8 weeks. I much prefer to run them on myself and be certain of their qualities before I sell them on. This will mean that the puppy is likely to be over 6 months of age. 

 I hope this now sets the record straight as some people seem to think that I have been showing for the past 30 years! And I do wonder why their memories do not kick in and they then realise that of course they have not seen me at showsfor the last 30 years!

SUMMER SEX

We had a lovely day yesterday, visiting with friends. Whitney was quite the tart. When we removed her from the car, she hurled herself up the drive into the garden and happily let the stud be outrageous. They have mated today and are now curled up together. When I know if she took, I'll tell you who she was bred to. Maybe you can have a sweepstake on it, guessing who I used! :-)

The Lady Decorator, or one of them, Marian, has been around with the paint charts for out bedroom. We have been dark navy for nearly 14 years now. We are going to go for something dramatically different. I chose the Midnight Blue because it is a scientific fact that a dark room is a must for a good sleep. Well, heavy curtains will make it dark no matter what colour the walls!

This is the computer chair I have. We have one each. Very comfortable and it forces me to sit correctly, instead of being hunched over the keyboard, I am sitting back against the padded chair. Very comfortable.

John and I are planning to be at both Sottish shows this weekend. We will leave on Friday and return on Monday. Of course, Whitney will not return until next week, Pussy, Chase and MG are coming with us, leaving poor old Luque on his own at our friend's kennels.

At Sarah's 11 08 12

Cast On Baby!

MR PERFECT

As I am written before, I am not good with dealing with anything negative I want to write about me. I always think that as an advocate for living well and happily with past abuse and current disability, that i can't be anything but up and positive. Anything else makes me feel ashamed, ungrateful, selfish and weak.

Here goes: I feel like shit. i am fed up with the daily struggle. I posted a thing on FB, one of those quotes things and the quote was something like 'you have no idea how much energy some people expend in just being normal'. Oh boy, i know that one.

I was thinking about a person I know who has died recently. In fact I have been thinking about death a lot recently. With good reason. Our marriage was not just about love but also about protecting each other when one of us dies. 

The thought I keep having about death is just what a release it must be, the end of struggle. I have no idea what it is to not struggle. Everyday day of my life has been a struggle. A struggle to contain my grief and terror when I was a child, the struggle to maintain my sanity later, and now the struggle with my body. Nothing comes easily. Nothing at all. It is almost impossible to relax when in pain.  Even when i manage it for a short period, I then have more of a struggle to get going. the longer I sit or lay, the more locked up I become. I am constantly aware of how I affect those around me so I struggle to impact others as little as possible which is not always possible.

No I don't need an intervention! When I think about death, i also think about how much i want life, so what I am writing is not code for I want to end my life. I would love the struggle to end and I cannot see it doing so until I am dead. That's all.

It isn't surmountable-if I am going to live and live well, I need to take care of myself and my loves: John and my dogs. This means I have to struggle. 

There are things one can and must let go of - other people's problems, other people's opinions and behaviour. all of those i cannot control. Let go. That is easy. But I can't let go of myself can I?

Just an example; if i give in to the urge to nap, a real weariness, then i increase the chances of not sleeping well at night. So i struggle to stay awake. I keep myself busy. I end up going to bed at bed time and not sleeping well. I try to be relaxed about sleep but I find I cannot listen to my body here because then I get all out of whack, like I am now, which I hate. Not to mention the dogs who rely on me to be routine-ful for them. They keep me going.

I have no conclusions here. Just sharing what I feel today. Exhausted, fed up, and longing to have my body give me 30 minutes of peace. Then there is the practice of actually writing how I feel authentically, being humble and letting my ego tell me I can't let anyone see how I feel like shit some days. As if people think I am perfect! 

There we are. My name is Colin and I  feel like shit. I am sick of the struggle. Heartily sick of it. Today. tomorrow is another day and another story.

GRIEF-A MIND OF IT'S OWN

It is 11:48am on a bright and sunny day, not too warm. Jack the gardener is in mowing the lawn, John is on the telephone to the insulating company trying to re-arrange a date for them to come and do their job.

I have had some odd feelings recently. Last night I had a long dream. Well it seemed long. I will give the short version. I was in a very crowded college and I was not feeling comfortable due to the crowd. This is true today. I don't like crowds. Cut to next scene. I saw a young man, a boy really and he was clearly distressed and lost. I was able to get to him. I hugged him and I told him what I know now. Afterward, he was happy and re;axed and his dull clothing had changed and he waved me goodbye with a big grin and asked if I liked his vibrant shirt. This was when I realised the boy was me. It makes sense because I have been feeling regretful recently that i did not know back then that the abuse was not my fault and that it did not happen because of who I was but because of who they were. I don't need to be told the past is gone. I know. I still feel grief for it though. All those years of suffering. wasted it seems to me. Most of it a blur. A life un-lived, just survived. So unlike today. The flip side being that most do not get to where I am-a life being lived authentically-with the knowledge it was never me and was always them. Grief though has a mind of it's own and does not take solace from now. I think I will always feel sad for the boy I used to be.

Below is what i wrote about Bournemouth Dog Show:

CHASE 3rd in MPD, Pussy 3rd in PGB and MG 1st in LB. The day got off to a bad start. I had parked, unpacked, and attached Daniel to my dog trolley and as I pulled away, the wood holding the bracket snapped. No choice but to walk the trolley over to my breed's grooming area and coem back for mDaniel. When I got back this woman parked int eh spot between me and the next acr, effective

ly preventing me opening the doors on the passenger side. I would not have been able tio unpack had she done thta beforehand. As it was I was not going to be able to pack my car. Plus, there was ample parking further down. Only one entrance so it made no different where she parked. I politely asked her to move, explaining that the disabled area was meant to have larger gaps between cars for wheelchairs etc. I got a flat NO. I explained again why she should not be there and all she kept saying was the security man had told to park there. (I am just following orders type of person.) Well, i lost my temper with her and told I thought she was stupid and self centred and I was appalled at how soem people treated their fellows. Yes she said, so am I!!!! I then wheeled away because my ire was well and truly on fire and I just had to go. I complained to a show official who ordered a uniformed man to follow me and sort he woman out. well, he out of ear shot of the man who ordered him, used his walkie talkie to call another security man. Well, the man turned out to be a boy and he had no gumption. He and the woman decided that when I had to leave, I reverse my car, thus freeing the sides and at the same time BLOCK the exit!!!! On top of this an old biddy could not resist putting her ore in and said 'you don't need that, I've seen you walk!!!!' Now the woman who blocked my car had her affix and website plastered on the back of the car. i want to tell you the affix but John thinks I ought not. Anyway, she had Labs. i do wonder how a disabled person manages to show Labs. I ahd to leave it at that. No one was prepared to make this woman behave decently. Infuriatingly, had she driven on, she could have parked CLOSER to the entrance and NOT had to show utter disregard for other people.
My dear friend Sarah Bedford, came to the rescue at the end of the show. She helped me pack my car. i could not have done it without access to the passenger side. She was furious too with the woman and was thinking of ways to block her ! Not seriously I am sure.

I stayed with Sarah and her husband last night. They have a lovely house with a garden one needs a sit on lawn mower for. It was just beautiful to sit there having dinner and watching the dogs. i have video and photo. My dogs reacted really well. they loved and all three ate the dinner I brought with me for them. My dogs tend to always be okay as long as they with me.

It was a very windy day which for long coated breeds is a pita but I find it quite good for me because it stops me faffing and fretting. The day would have been much nicer had it not started in such a stressful way and had i not spent most of the time worrying about how I was going re-pack my car. Despite my life experiences, this sort of behaviour and attitude from others still astounds me. I mean they KNEW exactly what they were doing, what the affect was going to be, and they simply did not care. I really do not understand that. How does a person get to be so indifferent to others?

Whitney is in season and I am planning a second litter from her. Poor Chase is confused. he has not quite come of age, 9mths old, and he is whimpering a lot of the time and following her about but he seems to not really know why.

PS: I FORGOT TO ADD THAT IN MY DREAM I ALSO WAS TOLD THAT I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH REGARD TO MY DISABLED STATUS AND BENEFITS AND THE GOVERNMENT OVERHAUL. WE SHALL SEE.

Man with Bible threatens to rape woman during ‘Gay Day’ in Michigan | The Raw Story

Man with Bible threatens to rape woman during ‘Gay Day’ in Michigan | The Raw Story

A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN

I went to bed at 9pm last night and I got up at 7.30am. I still feel like I could sleep some more. However, 10.5 hours is unheard of for me.
I have deliveries today plus an appointment with the Disability Rights person at two to fill out forms for the government who appear not to believe Doctors and specialists and prefer to have a cicil servant decide if one is disabled or not. Without benefit of an exam. They must be magic.

The delivery is of our desks. One each. Regency desks with the leather inserts on top.

It seems that the top half of the house is going to take several more months. The insulation is holding it all up. They came last Thursday and did nothing. Their surveyors, according to them, had not told them properly what to expect. They were unaware of the conservatory. The loft man refused to do his work for some reason we did not understand. Now it is left that John will clear the polystyrene beads out of the loft. When that is done, the insulators will come back. The loft has to be done first so we can put the stuff back. Until that is done the cavity wall insulation cannot be done as they will have to work from inside for the back walls. And no other works can be done until all this done and and we still have three rooms to be carpeted and decorated.

As frustrating as it is, at least the downstairs is more or less as it should be. I love the new room and the new sound system and I spend many hours sitting here knitting and listening to my music. Heaven.

EXCELLENT SHOW DAY

BLIMEY! We got home and in just in time. A ferocious thunderstorm with very heavy rain happening right now. Would not like to drive in this. 


We had a really good day. It was good to be around people. I know, I was worked up over nothing. But as I have said before, i find groups difficult to deal with and when I go too long without going, it becomes a massive ordeal for me and then turns out to be something I really enjoy!


Chase was not happy at all in the hall and the flooring especially. It was dreadful. He was not the only one who thought so. Anyway, he did perform well enough and he won his class. i was delighted and very surprised. then Mary-Grace went into the Limit bitch class and she won that!!! I was more than delighted. She is only the second dog I have bred to get her Stud Book Number. Deita was the first. MG is special tho as I bred her, her mum, her grandfather, her grandmother, and g-grandmother. 


The day was marred by a person who thought to complain that Deita was illegally entered in Post Grad bitch as she had won a CC at Blackpool and therefore not qualified. However, the entry was done, and proved, BEFORE the CC was won. Why would someone choose to so mean spirited? Deita won her class but did not get the CC or RCC so what exactly did this person hope to achieve? The worst thing about it as it was anonymous, it leaves people to suspect all sorts of innocent people.


Pussy was 4th in her class, Post Graduate Bitch, same class that her sister Deita won.


I had a really good day, I enjoyed it. i feel like do-do now and had I been on my own, i would have slept on the way home. Meaning, I would have parked up somewhere and slept! I think this is what i am going to have to do on my back from most dog shows. The weekend coming up the show is 200 miles away. I will have to park and sleep instead of forcing myself to continue.

NO APOLOGIES

"I clicked on your blog to see your socks.  I love that gusset.  Very nice.


I started reading about your doggies, adorable little things, and then somehow got sucked into your anti-Christian rant.


I thought you believed in tolerance and acceptance?  What's that about?  This is no attack.  I think you know I've been one of your defenders on the list when nut jobs have gone awry.  


If someone had an anti-gay section on their blog, do you think that would be acceptable for knitters to go read?  I'm just confused as to why you can attack them but they must remain silent."


I just received this from a person with whom I have an amicable email relationship with for several years. I don't think I know anything personal about them, at least not until this was written.


Whilst I may not be at my best right now, I am afraid I flipped my lid at this arrogant offensive twaddle. It is MY blog. If you read it you either like it or not. you agree or not. You are free to write non abusive comments. But do not DARE to tell me what i can and cannot write about.
WHY has this person not gone to the Xian sites and blogs that call for the death of gay people? WHY do these damned people not realise that we, meaning gay people, feel hurt just like anyone, we love, we have joy, we have pain, just like they do. Does this writer have no family because of who they are? Do they always have it in the back of their mind that they may be killed for who they? Did they live for years with no safety at their home because of bricks being thrown thru the windows, the car being wrecked, being physically assaulted, spat on?
I am sick to death of these pious Xians spouting their filth at me and pretending love at the some time. If you are my friend then you know who i am and what i think. If you think that my state of being is a sin, then go away. I do not want you in my life. I want people in my life who share my values of love and acceptance of others. I reject ideas based upon others being 'less than'. Ideas based on others not being good enough. Ideas based on one race being better than another. I do NOT tolerate those sort of ideas and I am PROUD to say I reject wholeheartedly hatred in all it's forms.
The Chic Fil a debacle in the USA was not just extremely hurtful to me personally but very scary. 30's Germany all over again. Yes, I am afraid. I want to grow old with my husband. i want another 31 years with him. These damned fundies make me fear for my life. to dismiss them as cranks or all talk is dangerous. To not take them and their hatred seriously because it is not aimed at you is dangerous because once me and my kind are dealt with, they will come after you. Look already-Sudan-a woman to be stoned to death on the say so of MEN-in Afghanistan, in Iran. And many in the US wnat the US to be a theocracy just like those countries. Okay, I have gone off on a tangent now. But really, where the hell do people get the arrogance to think they can write to me like that and think i will roll over like a waggy tailed puppy because I am usually nice and polite? I learned how NOT to be a submissive puppy. I don't need you to like me! I want you to respect me and if you cannot then fuck off and let me live my life.

CHAIN-LINKS

The yarn is a Regis, Kaffe Fasset yran. Not so keen on it myself. i used 2mm Chiao Goo needles, which are by far the best needles I have ever used.  They were circular, 2mm, 60cm. I knitted both simultaneously on their own needle. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method and utilised the Andersson Heel Mach II. I used the entire 50g ball for each foot, with only about 12-16" yarn left from each. With our house renovation and our wedding this last few months I have not been very productive, though I do have a pair I made for a friend to show when I get around to it. I ahd no idea that the house renovation and the our marriage would be so stressful.

CONTINUING CHANGES

Above is Chase, almost nine months old, just relaxing on the kitchen floor.

The workmen are here and working on the driveway. A ramp has been built right up to our front door, making it easy to bring the wheelchair in for charging. There is a ramp leading into the covered side as well where we tend to charge Daniel mostly now. We had power points put in there, lights too and it is also where we are keeping the freezer for the dog food.
I am sleeping relatively well again and my gut has settled down into a normal routine. This last few months, when the IBS has played up, instead of being blocked for days, I have had the opposite problem. Not only was this very inconvenient, it was highly odd, I think, having to go a lot when one is at the same time full of morphine. Morphine tends to affect motility rather badly. However, it does seem my body is used to it so it does not now affect me day to day.

I guess the different ways my disease has reacted, more falling over due to loss of balance, my gut being totally unreliable, sleep being severely disrupted, more pain, more mental confusion, is down to the huge changes in my life recently. 

The changes to the house, which are still ongoing, have been huge. I am very surprised I found it so stressful. Mind you John said to me yesterday that the last few months have been a blur for him, so i suppose it isn't just me. I still tend to think that getting stressed about things is a weakness in me, yet it seems fairly normal thing for most people.

Then of course our wedding was thrown into the middle of it all. Certainly the happiest day of my life. Seriously. I loved it and will always remember it. Our friends for supporting us and making it such a beautiful day. The interesting thing for me was that out of 26 guests, only one was gay. The rest were straight marrieds with their spouses or have been married. Throughout the preparations, the invitations, the day and the reception dinner, no one has referred to our day and ceremony as anything other than a wedding and a marriage. Technically it was a civil partnership but not one person called it that. We don't either. It is a marriage as far as we are concerned. It took place on our 31st anniversary. It confers on us the same legal rights as marriage does upon straight couples. Our government has assured us that by 2015 it will be marriage and will get a certificate saying so if we desire it, without having to go through another ceremony.

This lamp was a wedding gift from Wendy Cain and Drew and Sarah Hattrel and Paul. Isn't it wonderful? A very thoughtful gift too, considering my love of collecting cups and saucers.

This is a genuine persian rug, Bownat Medalion design. John's choice though I like it too. I guide him toward what I like without making it obvious so that it becomes his choice. We bought it on Monday.

Our next and last, as far aswe can tell, is an electric memory foam bed. yes, have given in and realised I need this. It takes me so long to arrange the bed at night with the bolster pillows, the horseshoe shaped pillows that it hurts and exhausts me. It cam to me on Sunday night that we needed an electric bed. no argument. It was a thought that was accepted straight away. John accepted it too. Initially we thought we would buy the only one that John Lewis sell but I have since decided to look at the alternatives. This is a very expensive buy so I need to be sure.