Tuesday, September 18, 2012

HOPE -LESS, FOR MORE LIFE

One of the explanations I have read for people venting their anger and hatred to award another group of people-such as those of a different colour or a different sexuality-no matter how illogical it is-is that their anger and hurt stems from their family of origin and they cannot bring themselves to admit that.  They cannot let go of the fantasy of having had good and loving parents. Their rage has to go somewhere and so it goes outwards towards groups such as this. I know from my own experience that even when people have heard certain details of my upbringing their response has been “but you must still love them"! There is no must about it! I do know people who say that they love their abusive parents about all that I see is that they are still desperately trying to prove to their abusive parents that they are good children and worthy of their love. They would rather do this than let go of the hope that one day they will be good enough for their parents. Letting go of that hope is indeed a very painful thing to do but it is a vital thing to do if one is to have any chance at a good life.


9 comments:

Bobbinsew said...

I have recently spent many hours reading your blog, compelled almost, because of the many points of similarity that i have found with what you have very bravely written. Four years ago I split with my Mother and my wider family, i now have no contact with her at all. It took me forty years to realise that no matter what i did, she wasnt going to love me. Four years on it still hurts, but with time I have come to realise that she didnt deserve my loyalty. When I explain to others about the situation I get "But she is your Mother"! almost as if that gives her the right to behave any way she likes! Oh it hurt, and still does, but with the loving support of my husband I am moving on.
Your blog has given me hope, my disabilities, the daily grind of even getting out of bed, are a major part of my life, but life is so much more than that. Knitting brought me to your door, what you have written drew me in, what you say gives me hope. Your wedding after 31 years brought tears of joy to my eyes. What can you say to someone who has has had such an impact?
I say Thank you, with all my heart.

Linda said...

I don't really agree with this. Nobody is all good or all bad and even abusive parents do some things right sometimes. Children often separate their impressions into "the good parent" and "the bad parent" as though the parent is two different people and it's the good parent the child still loves. Later, maturity and insight into the parent's situation often brings about sympathy for the parent--not at all acceptance of the abuse--but realization that abuse doesn't arrive from nowhere. The parent was usually also a victim and had not yet been able to overcome his/her own tragedy. That doesn't condone the parent for abuse but does make it more understandable and, yes, forgivable under some circumstances. It also underlines how imperative it is for communities to be involved and both detect and prevent abuse of children especially.

Linda said...

I just realized my last response was only to the last part of your post, rather than to the main point--that of venting anger onto people of a different group, whether color or sexuality.

I think a lot of people who have unresolved rage, whether it comes from the family or elsewhere, direct their hostility to a group because the group is "other." Xenophobia has contributed to survival many times when you consider history, but venters often choose a group not just because it is "other" but also because it's a minority group already under attack by many, which is not only hateful but cowardly as well.

Linda said...
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Linda said...
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Iris said...

Parents are our parents ... and that's it. Love for them and, even, respect is something they need to earn just as any other people do. In all relationships there needs to be a balance. To be successful, the good must outweigh the bad. Each individual has to decide for him or herself exactly how much evil or cruelty or just plain irritation he or she will accept and still feel love for the other person. No matter the relationship, mother, father, sister, brother, aunt ..., there are times when it is best to stay away.

Linda is right that no one is all good or all bad. However, for some of us, our very survival requires us to remain estranged form some family members. I'll leave the sense of 100% filial responsibility and respect to those Asian cultures that still promote it. I will not.

Linda said...

Colin, please delete my two responses that begin, "I believe..." I was having trouble with the robot detector and didn't realize the "I just realized..." post had actually gone through.

It's true that some relationships are just too toxic to continue and it's best to stay away. It's also true, that whether one chooses to continue staying in touch with abusive parents or not, one has to come to the realization that it's never going to be the perfectly happy relationship one wants and giving up that dream is a very painful loss. It does help, though, if one can be a little objective about parents and realize it's not a matter of one's being good enough but that the parents came to parenthood with a lot of baggage they didn't overcome. The failure is theirs, not the child's. The lack of a happy, loving family is still there and it hurts but it's not because the child is unlovable. It helps to know that.

Knitman said...

linda-I hope you can see this. You are right. It is never the child's fault. I went from believing it was, to believing I that abusing me was wrong but I still believed I had been abused because of who i was. I did not become who I am until the day i realised that i was not abused because of who I was but because of who they were. that was probably the most painful 6 mths of my life and I'll never forget the last day of revelation. I had spent the previous 6 months experience the fear yet again, but this time very very intense and I could not stop crying. It all built up to that day of revelation when the very core of my pain came up and out. It took a few more months to physically recover though my gut never has. It was 5 years ago. I view my life now as Pre-Revelation and Post-Revelation. This difference is that marked. The man you see in the photo of me did not exist Pre-revelation. I had yet to become.

Linda said...

Here's to your courage in going through what you had to in order to get to Post-revelation!