Thursday, August 16, 2012


As I am written before, I am not good with dealing with anything negative I want to write about me. I always think that as an advocate for living well and happily with past abuse and current disability, that i can't be anything but up and positive. Anything else makes me feel ashamed, ungrateful, selfish and weak.

Here goes: I feel like shit. i am fed up with the daily struggle. I posted a thing on FB, one of those quotes things and the quote was something like 'you have no idea how much energy some people expend in just being normal'. Oh boy, i know that one.

I was thinking about a person I know who has died recently. In fact I have been thinking about death a lot recently. With good reason. Our marriage was not just about love but also about protecting each other when one of us dies. 

The thought I keep having about death is just what a release it must be, the end of struggle. I have no idea what it is to not struggle. Everyday day of my life has been a struggle. A struggle to contain my grief and terror when I was a child, the struggle to maintain my sanity later, and now the struggle with my body. Nothing comes easily. Nothing at all. It is almost impossible to relax when in pain.  Even when i manage it for a short period, I then have more of a struggle to get going. the longer I sit or lay, the more locked up I become. I am constantly aware of how I affect those around me so I struggle to impact others as little as possible which is not always possible.

No I don't need an intervention! When I think about death, i also think about how much i want life, so what I am writing is not code for I want to end my life. I would love the struggle to end and I cannot see it doing so until I am dead. That's all.

It isn't surmountable-if I am going to live and live well, I need to take care of myself and my loves: John and my dogs. This means I have to struggle. 

There are things one can and must let go of - other people's problems, other people's opinions and behaviour. all of those i cannot control. Let go. That is easy. But I can't let go of myself can I?

Just an example; if i give in to the urge to nap, a real weariness, then i increase the chances of not sleeping well at night. So i struggle to stay awake. I keep myself busy. I end up going to bed at bed time and not sleeping well. I try to be relaxed about sleep but I find I cannot listen to my body here because then I get all out of whack, like I am now, which I hate. Not to mention the dogs who rely on me to be routine-ful for them. They keep me going.

I have no conclusions here. Just sharing what I feel today. Exhausted, fed up, and longing to have my body give me 30 minutes of peace. Then there is the practice of actually writing how I feel authentically, being humble and letting my ego tell me I can't let anyone see how I feel like shit some days. As if people think I am perfect! 

There we are. My name is Colin and I  feel like shit. I am sick of the struggle. Heartily sick of it. Today. tomorrow is another day and another story.


Iris said...

I still say we are related.

There is a television show airing this Saturday night about a physician who was so "interested" in death that he set about to record his every moment after he injected himself with a deadly concoction. I am debating as to whether I should watch this, or not.

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to hurt on my way there.

By the way, your last paragraph is priceless, I say, priceless.

midnightvelvet said...

Colin, I don't know you personally and have never met you formally. I have no idea what your illness and disability are, but I have never once, on the occasions I have read your FB page or blog, found you to be particularly negative and I applaud you for that. You obviously embrace your condition and just get on with it and I have to say I admire you enormously for your courage and tenacity. I too have experienced negativity both from and about myself, but I have decided that I don't need the negative people and will just get on with what I am doing. I'm not in competition with anyone, just making the best of what I have. Long may we both stand strong. xxx

Unknown said...

You are very strong and in your strength it's ok to to allow weakness. I thank you for all of your encouragement, know that you touch others whether you realize it or not. You're a blessing to me and we've never met so I can only imagine how beautifully you touch those around you. I can also totally relate to this feeling of simply being tired. That's the best description of it I can give. Tired of the constant battle of breathing, eating and sleeping. However, to stop this roller coaster ride we are on for the sake of tired would certainly kill all of the fun! Know today that you're a blessing, just as you are!