PUBLIC SPECTACLE

I came within seconds of really losing my temper in a public place the other day. I was grooming one of my dogs and out of the corner of my eye I saw a woman embrace John  and then along with her husband started chitchat.

If you have read my blog you may remember that I wrote about this couple that I had been friends with for over 30 years. However 2 years ago they asked me to do something, which they would  never have done if asked of them, and my answer to it was no. I have not heard from them since.

I did meet them many months later at a dog show and when I asked why I had not heard from them the response I got from her was a complete lie. “Well you didn't send us a pedigree when we asked." Now who ends a 30 year friendship over a damn pedigree?  Apart from which, this was a complete lie. The last conversation that we had had was that they were bringing their bitch down to be mated to my boy but during the conversation they asked instead if they could take my boy home with them. Clearly these people had no faith in me whatsoever and thought I did not have the wherewithal to  make sure that their bitch was mated by my stud! I said no.  Anyway that was the last I heard from them.

Now the point is John had been saying for years that these people were not the friends that I thought they were. He grew to dislike both of them. However, they were my friends and so he very lovingly was always polite and friendly to them and never said what he thought. He did this for me.

Surprisingly, I am not hurt by their behaviour I am just angered by it. The fact that they ended our friendship because I dared to say no to them actually did me a huge favour because I could then stop worrying about whether my gut feeling about their using of me was correct or not.

What angers me the most is that this woman knows more personal stuff about me than even John does. She knows more about what happened to me as a child than anybody else does apart from my therapist. She also knows the difficulties I have with people, especially when it comes to trust.  She betrayed my trust in her completely.  Her use of what she knew about me  to manipulate me is simply wicked.

A lot of my anger surrounding this is the fact that I let it go on for so many years. However I must remember to give myself a break and realise that I am not today the person that I was then. These people took full advantage of  me  not just by emotionally manipulating me but financially also.

I am still shocked and bewildered at the turn of events. I have to say though that I have given this very little thought and I only write about this now because of the recent event that brought it to a head. I am very glad that I managed to calm myself down by leaving the vicinity and going for a short walk! It would not have looked good at all had I given them what for and told them exactly what I thought. I would have been the one to come across as a monster. 

What really got to me was how they greeted John in such a manner and how she threw her arms around him so close to me yet completely ignoring me.  That is truly spiteful behaviour. I did so much for those people  and because I had the temerity to say no they shit all over me.  It is their loss for sure.  It is just rather hard to take when one realises that a 30 year friendship which meant a great deal to me was not what I thought it was at all. They became the good parents that I never had  and yet they turned out to be no better than those I already had.  In fact, possibly worse because I don't know what sort of person would take advantage of such a vulnerable person and use what they know about them to their advantage.

 Depending on how long you have been reading my blog you will know that I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was so diagnosed in my teens. I have done much work to control this. I mention this because one of the things that the woman often reminded me of was what a good friend she was to have put up with me when my illness was at its peak, both in terms of depression and also mania.  I refused to acknowledge the emotional blackmail she was using by telling me how good she was to me when others wouldn't be.  The more I think about how I allowed her especially to manipulate me the more angry I become  so I guess the root of my anger is really toward myself. Yet I must remind myself once again that the Colin back then who was un- recovered and not in control is not somebody I ought to be angry at at all but someone I should feel nothing but compassion for. It is not always easy.

I have been unmedicated for my bipolar disorder for 12 years now. I have had neither the depths of depression  nor the height of mania since then. I did learn that I became very depressed in winter so now I use a light box which really does work. In times of stress, I do become hyper but it has never developed into full-blown mania. I have pretty much  learned the warning signs and I take avoiding action.