THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME!!!!

I am having a good break here in Germany. Am writing this room our hotel room in Nuremberg. We arrived here about 2pm and will be here all day tomorrow and night, leaving for Mannheim on Sunday.

The drive here was atrocious! Very very wet. It rained so hard we had to slow to 20mph and could not see in front at all. The last time I experienced rain like that was in 2002 when we drove to Barcelona. Fortunately, by the time we got here to Nuremberg, the sun was out.Tomorrow the forecast says it will only be 14c!(but dry). As long as it is dry, its okay.

I just don’t know what it is with some people. Why do they feel they can judge a person they do not know? Write to them, telling them what they think or telling them how to live or to think? I get such emails frequently. I just deleted two people off my friends list on Facebook. For two different reasons. The first because they showed they had no respect for me by continuing to send me propaganda regarding their political beliefs which I had asked them not to do. I could live with not agreeing, one has to, but not with disrespect. If one doesn’t have respect for me, then one can f*ck off!

The second person was even more unbelievable. I do not even know who this is  (as I don’t the one above either but she seemed to know me so I never said I didn’t recall her!). Anyway, she wrote on my wall that she thought I was the type of person who thought everyone was out to get me and I was negative. Clearly not a person I want in my life. Mainly because they have not taken any time to assess their own point of view. If they had they would know that their point of view was way off base. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an optimist and generally happy, despite the odds!

It is not often that I whinge on about my day to day living problems, 24/7pain and the challenges presented by disability. Not even the boorish ignorant behaviour of my fellows. There are of course exceptions and when I have had enough I let rip here. This makes me human not a negative, miserable paranoid individual who thinks you are all out to get me!

It seems to me that this person has issues, which they do not recognise, and instead choose to offend others by projecting their crap onto them. That is what I think though of course cannot know as I don’t know them and only have their impudent messages to me to go by.

Whatever the root cause, I will not accept the unacceptable and I will not have people in my life who disrespect me. To write to me, not knowing me, and judging me is disrespectful! I don’t do that and do not expect others to do it to me.

I really, really, really enjoy the type of trip  we are on. I love to see knew places. I find people fascinating. I have this feeling, which i have tried to express to John unsuccessfully, about how I feel sad that I will leave this world with only having met a tiny fraction of the people in it and knowing NOTHING about all but a few. As it type this I am aware that there are people living a luxuriously wealthy life materially, that others are barely living at all, that others are living in the wilds of Borneo and the Amazon, happy and healthy, with none of what I would consider necessary! I see people in the hotel in the breakfast room and I want to know about them. I want to know the people I see on tv who live in mud huts in a jungle somewhere. All of us seem very different but I know we are not. We all FEEL.

I have as usual taken many photographs. I will blog them once home.

I have been knitting my aran sweater whenever we have stopped to eat or drink. I have had many comments. It is wonderful to know that even when one cannot understand the language one can still get meaning over. I have had Germans, Italians, and unknown tell me how much they like my aran and how they are impressed by the small gauge. When i show them the socks on the needles, they all look very puzzled! Toe up? One needle? Are you Martian? I learned from one German lady in Koblenz that my way of knitting is called Catholic! I do get quite a kick meeting other knitters and knowing that they do just as I do-approach other people who KIP, regardless of how their partners may feel about it! ;-)

I have not bought any yarn at all so far and am unlikely to though I am planning on buying from a source of undyed/white sock yarn if it is still there at this German place I know.

I have finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and am now reading the second novel in the trilogy, The Girl Who Played With Fire. I have really enjoyed the books but I don’t the ‘heroine’s’ behaviour acceptable at all. I am not sure why the author has drawn a character like this as an abuse survivor. To me she is not a survivor because she lacks empathy, is cruel, is condemnatory, and behaves with impunity, excusing her self according to others’ behaviour. This is a VICTIM not a survivor. She uses people. She is very clearly damaged and it is probable that her lack of empathy is down to her abuse BUT don’t make her a heroine because of it.  (Perhaps my current opinion will change as I read on and get to the end of this trilogy. I hope I am given cause to reappraise her and the author of her.) Other than my distaste or this character, I am enjoying the books immensely. Real page turners.(Oh one mistake-he says of a character that her Asian looks are from her Hong Kong mother and her blue eyes from her Swedish father. This is not genetically possible UNLESS the mother carries the recessive blue eye gene and she could only do that if one of her ancestors was blue eyed. Not likely. He also says she has dimples where her parents do not and, whilst not 100% sure, as far as I know if one has dimples(chin etc) then one parent must also have them.)

I have been managing pain and pain meds well on this trip, which makes a big difference. I am resting enough. I have learned that Barcelona is probably, realistically, far too far for me to drive in 2-3days. After driving 317 miles after a day of no driving on this trip, I was very tired, sore and distraught. I get distraught when I am exhausted and sore and not eating right as well. Barcelona is 1000 miles and I would need 5 days to drive there with adequate rest. Just writing it seems silly to me, I have done it in one and half days before..but my disease has progressed way beyond that no matter how I may tell myself otherwise! Stubborn sod that I am.

HIGH MAINTENANCE

Today has not been good. I detest being high maintenance.It embarrasses me. Apart from the incident with the nasty Police who nearly caused us to crash at high speed, EVERY meal I have ordered has been smothered in SUGAR!!!!!

We have never driven this far east in Germany before and it seems they have a thing for sweet dressings on everything. I thought I was safe with chicken and veg or salad or steak and veg/salad. No. All came smothered in sweet dressings. Tonight I managed to get the chef to understand I wanted NO DRESSING at all on any part of my meal.

This is now Dresden. Not gone well so far. Hotel NOT as advertised, NOT anywhere near centre, NO facilities other than food and WiFI. Room not a/c so humid. No way for wheelchair to enter except thru basement.  All I wanted to do was go home but of course no way can I do a long drive again for at least a couple of days.

I am learning more about how my disease is progressing. I am really upset tonight. I hate that John is affected by it, it really p's me off to be dependent and limited. We are really going to have to think thru future trips. Like I think I need two days of no driving between each drive, not one. I am just blathering on now. I just came close to,losing it earlier and just felt ashamed of myself and my needs. It would be so much easier if 1. pain killers also stopped fatigue and 2. if I could eat grain/pulses/sugar. Given the choice, I choose to keep the disease and get rid of the food allergies. It really f8cks me off. It would be so simple to just order what was on the menu. For John and for me. Poor John gets upset too when he realises I am not being catered to and he does his best for me. I just wish he didn't have to, that it could all be stress free.

At the lunch restaurant, up a long flight of stairs, there was a locked lift for handicapped. The only way to use the lift was to go UP the stairs to get the f8cking key! Morons. Every handicapped loo was locked at every stop. THEN THEY SMOTHERED MY FOOD IN THAT SUGAR DRESSING.

When one is driving several hundred miles, one can hardly just say 'hey, let's just try the next place.' No idea where to will be or what it will be like. Tomorrow we will eat out of supermarkets. John refuses to not join me in that which makes me feel bad. I know it's cos he loves me but really I wish he would eat normally. I KNOW he would prefer to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal and not eat out of plastic bag in the hotel room. Do I sound ungrateful? I am not, just feeling shamed at having this damned condition.

GERMAN TRIP SO FAR

The drive from Calais was uneventful and smooth. Although the distance was more or less the same as from home to Edinburgh(over 300 miles) it was far less stressful and quicker because the roads are no where near as crowded. Belgium is always busy, busy, busy, lord knows why, but even so, it did not hinder us greatly. Strangely, as soon as one leaves Belgium into whichever country, the traffic disappears. Weird.

We arrived at our Hotel in Koblenz. We are on the ninth floor. Now this would have a been a problem for me a few years ago but not any more. Have no idea why my epiphany of 2007 after a terrible ‘dark night of the soul’ which lasted 6 mths, should not just bring about the realisation that there had never been anything wrong with me but with those who abused me, should also take away many of my phobias.

Wandering around last night, I saw a Goth man with long flowing blonde hair. He was really quite attractive and other worldly. Reminded me of Vampire Eric in True Blood before he got his hair cut (big mistake me thinks).

I forgot to mention that we met the most delightful and precocious baby girl in the Calsi Ibis. She was only nine moths. She was crawling on the floor in reception and as soon as she saw me coming along on Big Daniel she crawled toward me. She was fascinated and used her hands to feel the wheels, back and front, the wiring. She was really absorbing it all and using her hands and she also studied me. Her father came to take her away and I told him she was okay. We got talking. I knew straight away he was German, and educated, because he sounds just like our German friend Lui who is educated and a teacher and speaks English more poshly than I do. Anyway, I was most impressed by this baby girl, so eager to explore the world and I am certain  she has great intelligence.

At lunch today, we ate outside and unfortunately we were plagued by flies. The waitress thought it may have been that we both ate fish meals (seafood tagliatelle for John and seafood salad for me). Whatever, it spoiled our lunch. There was also a baby girl here too. We couldn’t figure out if was special or just had unusual looks.

It has not been overly warm, about 70 and , for me, a bit chilly in the breeze. No rain though. Yesterday we had plenty of rain. It seems that most of northern Europe is having the same crap summer that the UK is having.

Apart from not sleeping well, which really surprises me, I am doing okay. The last few times, since 07, I have had no trouble sleeping. I am sleeping but waking every hour or so and dreaming vividly. I think it will settle down. i do hope so. i hate closing my eyes and going straight into High Definition Cinemascope. It is tiring.

 

JOHN'S SOCKS

These were knitted for John using 2mm Knit Picks Circulars. I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method, utilising a 1 x1 gusset and the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised). The yarn is Knitman's Kitchen 75% SW Merino 25% Nylon, 425m / 100g. I am very pleased without eh way the colours have pooled. Much to my surprise John asked for this yarn when he saw it and he too loves the pooling. I don't know what is going on with him but my 'grey man' has recently started to buy and wear colours!

DRESS SENSE

I had to see the doctor yesterday because I realised I did not have enough tramadol for the holiday.  My own doctor is on holiday so I had to see a man called Dr Pearce.  I noted that he was wearing a very nice tie. I own the exact same tie. However, he has rather put me off it because he wore his tie with a totally inappropriate shirt! The tie is a beautiful lilac with a really nice flower pattern on it in deep colours.  He wore a red and white striped shirt with it!

It is cold here again today and I have just put the heating on.  I did this yesterday and by the afternoon the temperature outside was in the 80s(27c).  I imagine today is going to be somewhat similar.

I am trying to decide what to take with me when we go away.  I have sorted out the shirts and T-shirts and nightwear that I am taking and the trousers that I am taking but I am somewhat flummoxed as to the hats and shoes.  I cannot really take a lot of either so I need to make sure that what I do take will more or less go with everything.  I have just realised that I have not even begun to think about jackets.  Gosh in the old days when I was so into hiding myself it was really simple because I just took a couple of pairs of sweat pants and sweatshirts!  I cannot believe I used to dress like that!

When I was talking about this with John last night and we were talking about what needed to go into the car I included the large suitcase and then I thought oh and then there is the camera bag and my knitting bag and …and he started to laugh. He said when have we ever taken just one suitcase?!

I am really looking forward to this break.  Germany is such a beautiful country and there is lots to see.  There are many very old places and there are museums and castles and galleries.  We will spend the first two nights in Koblenz and then we will move on to Dresden for four nights and then back south-west to Mannheim.  Dresden is the furthest east we have been.  What we will probably do is set the Sat Nav for part of the journey so that it will not take us on the autobahn.  This way we usually see lots of delightful little villages and nice scenery.  How long we do it for depends on how long it is taking.  I prefer to drive only in daylight and besides which we do not want to get to the hotels late because we have to eat and unpack and all that sort of thing.

To  Remote Knitter: the school you refer to is Bourne School, the grammar school.  This had a very long staircase up the hell.  Alexandra junior school did not.  I do not know where you live but we lived at 34 Goodwood Road Sussex Gardens Estate.  1967 to 1971. Putting aside the horrible stuff, I loved Singapore. It was very exciting. The sounds and the smells and the people and homes made of palm leaves. The food.  The stalls on the side of the road where you could have a meal or buy fruit drinks in plastic bags and with straws.  I used to play in the jungle and I was not afraid of the snakes and knew that if I saw one to just keep still until it went away.  Now I cannot even see a snake on the television without lifting my feet up off the ground! I still check my shoes before I put them on I turned upside down give them a good shake just in case there are snakes or scorpions in them!  The very thought makes me shudder.  I was much braver when I was a boy!  I do not think I started to become afraid until after I realised how much danger I was in from my father.

Still none of my girls are in season.  Not even Whitney who is usually on the button.  I want to breed both Carly and Edna but preferably not at the same time.  However I may not be given the choice as it will not surprise me if Carly and Edna decide to come in season when Whitney does as girls usually synchronise their seasons the same way that women synchronise their periods when they live together.

I am very pleased to report that the upgrade of my Dragon voice recognition software does actually work much better than the previous version.

DELIGHTFULLY WEIRD

I am very pleased with the results of taking the anti-inflammatories.  By the second dose I was in much less pain.  Today is my third day on them and I cannot believe how well I am doing and how well I feel and how my mood has improved.  It would appear that my mood of the last few weeks was being caused by the amount of pain I was in!

It is very difficult to explain that when one is in 24/7 pain it can be very difficult to know just how severe that pain is. It is not acute pain like when you break a bone. It is much more like toothache which just gets worse and worse and worse and because it is always there one loses awareness of it but that does not mean one does not feel crap!

I have been taking more medication and worrying about that even though I have been told that I ought not to worry and to take as much morphine as I need.  It is easier said than done.

Anyway as soon as I started to take the anti-inflammatories I halved my intake of tramadol and have only taken morphine twice.  And my mood is back to its normal positive self.

The downside is that I cannot take anti-inflammatories for longer than one week! Drugs like aspirin, Ibuprofen, Nurofen, etc are DANGEROUS.  For everybody.  They can damage your kidneys and your heart.  They also increase the likelihood of stroke.  They need to be taken as a course just like antibiotics in order for their anti-inflammatory property to work.  So when I have finished this course I will not be able to do this again several months although hopefully the effects will last for quite some time before I am back to where I started.

I went swimming this morning and I did not take any morphine beforehand because I did not need it.  However, much to my surprise my swim was very difficult I felt as if I were swimming in treacle and my left arm went numb which I have not experienced the quite some time.  Still, it is better than pain.  My neck felt strange when I got out of the pool and 30 minutes ago I had to pop a morphine pill because my neck have become really painful and I was not able to move it! I think that is weird! The neck problem and my left arm going numb was one of the very first symptoms I ever experienced years ago now which alerted me and my doctors to my problem.

Bodies are very strange things!

Before I forget, I dyed five hanks of yarn yesterday afternoon. Not only was I able to do it without pain but I also felt really motivated to.  All this because of the humble aspirin!

BUSY BUSY BUSY

I will be spending this week, getting together the clothes I need to take with me for our trip. I am really looking forward to going away.

Yesterday I started to take 600 mg of aspirin three times a day.  The effect was almost immediate.  I feel better all over, and my feet are especially much less painful.  The trouble is, anti-inflammatories are not good for one’s heart or kidneys.  I already have CHD and higher BP.  Of course my BP is kept low with drugs.  However, I retain water very quickly (I have already gained four pounds since yesterday) and this is not good. I can only take the aspirin at these doses for five days. Anti-inflammatories need to be used as a course, just like one would with antibiotics. Hopefully this will dial down my body’s inflammation for the time that we are away.  I am already needing less of the other drugs, and the last two doses, I have not taken any morphine and have only taken half of my usual amount of tramadol.

We took Tukka and Mary-Grace into town yesterday, so that they get used to the hustle and bustle of people and traffic.  They really did very well.

I am enjoying the book, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  So much so that I read for a couple of hours yesterday afternoon instead of my usual reading only in bed when I retire for the night.

I have almost finished knitting John’s socks, being well up the leg on both. He also likes one of the yarns that I cannot sell because the yarn has not been spun properly, and it is given the dye a two tone effect. Recently, John has begun to wear colour! it started with him buying colourful T-shirts and shirts, and then underwear.  Now he is wanting more colourful socks.  I am not going to complain as it is much more interesting to knit with my more colourful yarns!

STRANGE

This is my class of 1970, Mr Williams was the teacher. This is Alexandra Junior School, Singapore. I found this online. It makes me feel very strange. I am 4th from left, back row.

It gives me a yearning for the time and place yet this the place my clear memories of abuse start. This is where my father first almost killed me. It is also where I was accosted when playing in the jungle by a man who then sexually abused me. Whilst I am normally quite upfront about details, in the case of the sexual abuse, I do not feel it appropriate to describe what he did. I can only describe how he ripped my world , such as it was, apart. My father had been abusing me emotionally and physically for a long time by this stage but it was here that he came close to killing me. I was about 10 yrs old. In one of his rages he threw a case of books at me which hit the side of my head, pushing the other side of my head into the corner of an ornate coffee table leg. I was almost knocked out. I recall my mother leaning over me as I lay on the cough whilst she used a cold compress on my wound, all the while blaming me for what my father had done. If only I could be a good boy. This same woman slapped me and called me disgusting when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her what the man in the jungle had done. I only told her because the little girl next door had been accosted too so I thought I ought to say something. Needless to say I never told her anything again and that was the first of many times I was sexually abused. The next series of abuse was by a teacher who was a child pornographer. Nothing compared to my dads hatred of me and his continuing and worsening violence.

BORED STUPID

I think I have come to the conclusion that I am bored and this is what has been causing me to feel the way I have been feeling recently.  I read someone’s comment to another person on Facebook and it was as if that comment had been written to me.  It spoke about boredom and how we need change from our everyday lives.  As soon as I read it I realised that that is just how I feel.  I have not felt excited about getting up out of bed for quite a while.I have not felt excited about knitting yet more socks. In fact, I have not really felt excited about much except my coming holiday.

I have plenty to do until then like I have to sort out the clothes I am going to take and do a lot of washing.  I think also I am going to do some dyeing because that does excite me still.

The trouble with boredom and getting into a rut, it can be self-perpetuating.  The more bored you get the less inclined one feels to do anything! Nothing to do but shake myself out of this and get on with some dyeing and I also think I want to get on my knitting machines. I have an idea for a waist coat.  Whatever I think if I start to play around I will soon get my self absorbed in it.

For my own record: sleeping is becoming more disturbed because of pain.  Severe pain in my rib cage and / or my hips wakes me and I have to change my position. Changing position is difficult and painful until I have done it.  I immediately get relief then and I fall back to sleep until the next bout wakes me up and I have to change sides again.

BETTER DAYS

Since I wrote my last piece I have felt much better!  I woke up yesterday and I just knew it was going to be a better day.  Today has started off well as well.  I do not feel as if I am trying to move in treacle. May be just the act of writing how I was feeling was enough to purge the feeling?

I am really looking forward to our holiday.  We only have about 10 days until we leave.  I really enjoy driving and I am looking forward to the long drives.  I have split the driving so that on day one I have 200 miles to do, on day two 350 miles, days three, none, days four 350 miles.  Then three days of no driving followed by one day 350 miles, followed by four days of no driving, followed by one day of 400 miles, and then finally 160 miles home on the last day.  I am confident that this will not be overtaxing for me.  (John does not drive.)

There is still no sign of any of the girls being in season but I am very confident that Whitney will come in in the next week or so as she always does.  However I am not going to breathe and I do want to be both Carly and Edna and of course they are showing no signs! Edna will be mated to Luque and Carly will be visiting a friend’s dog.

I have just finished 1 foot off John socks using my own dyed yarn.  I died this yarn using various shades of blue and much to my surprise John said he liked it and would wear a pair of socks made from it.  I am half way up the other foot.  I admit my socks simultaneously so that I do not have what is known as Second Sock Syndrome.

STRUGGLING

I am struggling right now.  I do not know why.  I am finding it difficult to deal with my physical problems and I am finding it difficult to deal with food issues.

Up until now I think I have handled by 24 seven pain problem really well and whilst my acceptance that I must avoid certain foods has not been 100% it has mostly been successful.

For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling to get out of bed.  I have been struggling to eat right.  I have been struggling to stay positive.

I just cannot put my finger on why.

I am looking forward to our holiday and maybe John is right and that is all I need is a change but I am not always going to be able to just go away so I am not so sure that this is all I need.

Dog showing has lost its edge to me right now. I do not think it is just because I was so disillusioned and angry when I discovered the relationship between the judge and the winner of Best Bitch(BCC) at a particular show. it might also be that winning does not have the shine that it did.  I know that I am itching to campaign a different dog that I have bred myself. I do not think it can be just about being disillusioned with a judge and a competitor both of whom I had respect for prior to this incident.  The reason being is that I know and have experience of other less than honourable judging.

I do wonder if my physical pain has increased because of the low pressure we have been sitting under the quite some time now.  Last night I was regretting ever having started on painkillers because I somehow think I am much more aware of my pain now when the painkillers wear off.  Perhaps this too is bollocks.

I have to put a lot of effort into keeping my weight down and into keeping myself mobile.  This is not a case of putting the effort in a few hours a week but put in the effort in on a daily basis, all day everyday.

I feel tired.  I want to sleep a lot and I do.  Though my sleep is disturbed of course because of pain.  I do get a really good night’s sleep if I take a sleeping pill on top of everything else I take but I cannot do this on a regular basis because sleeping pills are addictive and they lose their effect as the body gets used to them.

Often when I write and I do not know what is going on with me the act of writing will answer for me.  I cannot say that I feel any wiser now than I did when I first started to write this.

I do not know if any one will understand what I mean that this down feeling is accompanied by a bloated feeling.  I hate feeling bloated.  Even when my stomach is empty it is feeling bloated.No, I have not developed a new health problem.  I have suffered from this bloated business for as long as I can remember.

Even though I have continued to do the things that we normally do like go out to eat go shopping just all the normal things that I do, it has taken effort to do them and I just feel like I want to be in bed all the time.

It would be great, really great, to just be able to sit and doing absolutely nothing, not even knit, and watch TV.  I am unable to do this because I always have to f*cking move. it has been on my mind a lot recently how much I would love to curl up in bed and read or even on the settee and read.  Pain stops me being able to do this plus I do not read very long before I start wanting to go to sleep!

So I guess it is true to say a lot of things are rather pissing me off right now and yet I cannot find a solution.  I am used to having the occasional day when I feel like there is that I have felt like this for a few weeks now and that reads to me suspiciously like something is going on that I need to address but I just cannot figure out what.

(not so) FREE WILL

If you are a functioning human being you cannot help but have come across the idea that we all have free will and as a result we are all personally responsible for the outcome of our free will.

Yet just how free is our will?

Generally speaking we are free to choose or so we are told.  If this is the case then our free will is limited to what we know. We cannot choose an option we are ignorant of.

That there were other options open to me other than those options I had been taught was a shock to me.  At first I could not believe that there was a different way to think than the way I had been taught.  I found that seeing what I had been taught as merely other people’s ideas was so revolutionary for me it took me quite a while to accept it as true. Once I did accept it, I began to change and free myself from my past.

I grew and changed just by coming to understand that there were more options available for me to choose from than I had been led to believe.On those days when the memory of my own behaviour in the past causes me shame in the present, I remind myself that I did not know different.  The shame mainly revolves around having people in my life that were damaging to me and my not understanding the concept of boundaries.  This is one of the most damaging aspects of physical and sexual abuse: having no boundaries.  By this I mean that as other people violated my boundaries from such a young age and so frequently, I was not aware of boundaries either for myself or others.

We will never know all of the choices available to us.  If we make what is ultimately a wrong choice how can we be accountable for that as it could well be that all of the choices we were aware of to choose from were wrong?

It is common to refer to addiction as a disease.I do not know if it is a disease or not.I do know that addiction is not a choice. Imagine wanting with all your might to not do something and still know that you will. I have often heard people who smoke condemn junkies as they take yet another drag on a fag. Likewise, fat people bemoaning the people who cannot control their drinking, as they stuff yet another piece of food into their mouth.

If you are addicted to something, stopping on your own without radical change in yourself, is like vowing to never again urinate! Often people who are addicted, appeared to recover to the unknowledgeable, whereas all they have done is switched to a more acceptable addiction.  Usually one that is not especially visible! I have seen alcoholics stop drinking, sitting at meetings saying how wonderful sobriety is, as they grow to 300lbs.

From my own personal experience with OCD behaviour and anorexia/bulimia I know just how powerless one is to prevent the behaviours that cause so much damage.  I also know how much support and love and understanding is needed in order for one to express what is inside.  I also know that generally speaking this is not available.  Again speaking from personal experience, the psychiatric profession seems to think that the expression of pain is an illness worthy of heavy medication.  Dare to express fear anger and rage sadness or grief and you are likely to be locked up and drugged.  Effectively everybody around you wants you to stop doing that which is making them feel so uncomfortable, i.e. addictive behaviour, yet they block the means of recovery.

Fortunately for me, I was able to experience for several months of 95, 99 and finally for six months toward the end of 2007, the letting go of what was inside me without anybody trying to stop me.  Without exaggeration, I cried daily for hours for months.  The final cleansing, in 2007, took five months and was by far the worst.  My GP and John allowed this to happen because they knew that it must.  Previously I had been locked up and drugged up whenever these feelings showed themselves.

As a result, my own addictive behaviour rarely impinges on my life.  I no longer take hours to be able to leave my home because I have to keep checking that everything is locked and turned off.  This used to be so draining that I just preferred not to leave home. I cannot say that I no longer starve myself or eat too much.  Both are coping tools that I learned and are ingrained in me.  Having said that it is rare that either become a problem now.  In stressful times both good and bad I have to be careful and be aware.  I also rarely now have nightmares or night terrors. I was just speaking to John about this at the weekend because in the film we were watching somebody kept being woken by somebody else’s night terrors.  This was my poor John.  It got so bad he spent nine months sleeping on the couch. Not so much so that he could sleep but to save himself from being attacked.

Anyway back to my original thoughts!  I do not believe that any of us are as free in our will as we like to think that we are.  As the quality of our lives pretty much depends upon the choices that we make it behoves us all to learn as much as we can.  Before all other knowledge it is of the utmost importance that we learn about ourselves.  Even the best educated of us can make the wrong choices because we are ignorant of the most important thing: our self.  Much of what we believe and therefore much of how we behave, is not based upon our knowledge, but upon how we feel.  As a minor example but I think the clear one consider the following: there was a man at the dog shows whom I did not like. He was given an appointment to judge our breed and I refused to enter under him up until the last minute. As I have learned to do, I did eventually ask myself what it was about this person that I  so intensely disliked as I could not blame it upon the way he treated me as I have had very little interaction with him. Even then I could not come up with an answer and my feeling remained.  One day he happened to be walking toward me at a dog show.  Instead of actually seeing him I saw somebody from my past who had caused me a great deal of pain, who had almost killed me.  My antipathy toward this man immediately melted away because I understood that it was not him at all that was the problem but myself and my unconscious memories. We all experience such things but generally we do not question ourselves.

If we look at the world that we live in we can see staring us in the face and where our ignorance leads.

LINUS

I knitted these using 2 mm circular needles by KnitPicks. The yarn is one of my own, Knitman’s Kitchen, and it is 75% super wash Merino 25% nylon, 425 m per 100g. I have shown the socks both right way out and inside out. I think I would prefer the inside out way.  I have used my Andersson’s Construction Method utilising the Mach II  heal and once again using a one by one ribbed gusset. If you want to see a larger version just click on the photo.

 

PROGRESSION

I have not been feeling too bright recently.  I seem to need to sleep a lot.  I also have been feeling like things are too much of an effort and I cannot be bothered.  Having given this some thought I have come to the conclusion that the recent tell-tale signs that my illness has progressed some more has rather pissed me off.

I have said before that I can deal with the pain. Really. I can take pills for it and I can switch my mind off from it so that I can do what I want within reason.  Fatigue is quite another matter and no pill will deal with that.  The two days after a dog show have long been ill days, with the day directly after being the worst.  I accepted that and I carry on showing.  Now though I find that going and giving a talk and demonstration leaves me ill the following day. On Friday, I did not go swimming, I took enough drugs to enable me to clean the dog shit up out of the garden.  Saturday my legs were buggered! I know that there is nothing I can do but accept this. I just cannot always happily accept what is.  I will given time.

About four years ago when I first started showing dogs, a woman became friendly to me.  At first I thought this was going to be a good friendship.  However I became wary of her because I soon realised that she never had a good word to say about anybody most especially her friends.  It also became apparent that she hated to lose and always blamed crooked or stupid judging for it never the lack of quality in her dogs.  The day Whitney won her first CC she bitched about the judging.  I knew then that I had been right to keep my emotional distance.  Recently we have fallen out altogether even though I tried to avoid that but it was inevitable.  Somebody who used my stud dog had a blue-eyed puppy in the litter. I also had one.  This is no big deal it is not a health problem.  However my so-called friend has of course made a song and dance about this, accused me of dishonesty, and does not even seem to realise that she has very similar lines! Not only that but I also had a blue-eyed puppy from a well-known and well used Champion stud dog, but she is not stirring the shit over that! No. She is delighted to finally have something in her mind that she can knock my Whitney for as my boy is her father.  This is all very silly.  People go ahead and breed from dogs with physical defects, some of which are deleterious to the dog and they get away with it.  A blue-eyed pup suffers no ill effects whatsoever, it is just a different coloured eye! I would much rather have these cosmetic problems than physical problems.  (For those who are not involved in dog breeding and showing the reason the blue eye is a problem is because you cannot show them because they are meant to be dark brown in the Lhasa Apso.) I was very surprised when I had my first blue-eyed puppy but it did not upset me.  Whenever one has a litter there are always puppies that cannot be shown for one reason or another and no litter except in very rare cases will produce all top quality puppies.

My attitude to dog breeding is openness.  Unfortunately not everybody is open or even agrees that one should be.  However, I could not keep any known facts about my own stud dog to myself if somebody wishes to use him.  He produces excellent quality stock and any person who decides to not use him because he produced a blue eye is a fool! Especially when said people ignore problems like patellar luxation or bad confirmation or even bad tempers.

As in human beings, the gene for blue eye must be inherited from BOTH parents in order for a puppy to display blue eyes.

It is only three weeks till we go on our holiday and I am really looking forward to it. I have two shows booked before I go though to be frank I am not really looking forward to them.  I have been rather pissed off to realise that even on the day that I entered a show there was no chance that Whitney was going to win because the judges’ best friend had also entered. Guess who got the ticket? I know this sort of thing happens but until that happened I respected both of these people. I do not like being made a fool of.  I might add that I was ignorant of the relationship otherwise I would have known not to enter.  I will not do so again. I know that at least one of the shows I have coming up the judge is as straight as they come.  I have no idea about the others.  At least Whitney has won all her 9 tickets and 5 Best of Breed and about 8 RCC’s on her own merit. The lack of another CC does not bother me. What bothers me is finding how I was deceived, and how myself and all others who entered were shown no respect.  It is very disappointing to have respected people who did not deserve it.  I always feel humiliated when I discover that my trust and respect was misplaced.

FANNY WATCHING

I have been checking out the girl’s fannies for the weeks, more so than usual, because I am expecting them to come into season.  Whitney is not due until the end of August that Edna and Carly had yet to have their second season so I have no idea when to expect it.  However, judging from the behaviour of the girls over the last few weeks I know that is one of them is coming in.  When I checked Carly today I think it might well be her.  If so I shall be pleased because the timing is just right.

I was very disappointed to discover recently that going and giving talks and demonstrations leaves me just as fatigued and pain filled the day after as dog shows do. Pish! This of course means that any ambitions I had to work more frequently and further afield are unrealistic.

Perhaps just the way that I communicate on the Internet via my blog and on Facebook and/or e-mail and just with the people I meet, I can be spreading what I have learned.  My life has changed so dramatically that I really want to share how.  It is not something that one can just write about once and that is it.  Changing one’s beliefs about oneself, about one’s past, and about the world one lives in, takes time.  Often, just like I did, one needs to read the same message over and over and over in many different ways before it begins to sink in.

It is possible that I only thing this in order to cheer myself up!  I do find it odd that I have this gift to share (mediumship) but my body does not allow me to do so very often.  I had been forewarned that my pathway was going to change and that I would work in a different manner. I have only just come to realise how my body dictates what I am able to do.  I have yet to understand how my work will continue or even if it will.  It would seem to me to be such a waste if there was not some way I could talk and demonstrate more than occasionally to 20 people.  I guess the powers that be will guide me however I need to be guided.  In other words this is not down to me and I will have to go with the flow.

I am really looking forward to our trip to Dresden in Germany.  Germany is a beautiful country and as I have said many times its treatment of the handicapped is excellent.I barely have any access issues.The people themselves are friendly and polite and they do not patronise me. They do not assume that because I am in a wheelchair I am a dribbling idiot.  They speak to me not to John if it is me they are asking something of.  They do not pretend that I am invisible.

One of the reasons I really enjoy going away is that I get a break from having to do the day-to-day things.  It is nice not to have to deal with the dogs and it is extremely nice not to have to cook for myself!  It took me a long while to realise that this was one of the main things I liked about being away.  It is nice to be taken care of.

 

TIRESOME

I cannot say that I feel particularly fatigued, but I have felt rather tired. I have been sleeping at night and also having a two-hour nap in the afternoon. I am going to go swimming this morning.I might even bath dogs later today.

I am still shocked by what happened with the old bag in the supermarket on Sunday.  I am astonished by such behaviour.  I also get annoyed with myself because I don’t find such things easy to brush off.

I have also discovered that my feelings regarding a particular show were correct.  There is a close friendship between the judge and the winner.  I cannot be any more specific. I also looked at past judging records, which speak for themselves.  The arrogance of such behaviour! Taking the rest of us for fools.  I am never upset when beaten honestly though it is very difficult to feel magnanimous in defeat, when one knows one never stood a chance in the first place! It is such a shame that people behave in this manner.  We pay a lot of money to enter the shows and the least the judge can do is have respect for us.  No doubt they have rationalised their behaviour so will not recognise themselves in such comments as this!

My puppies are really quite delightful. They were 11 weeks old yesterday. Hopefully Mary Grace will one day be in the show ring.

My next show is Bournemouth, on 18 August.  I have yet to be certain that I’m going.  After that.  It’s the Welsh Kennel Club show on the 22nd. I think my next one after that will be Darlington.

 

TRIGGER

On Sunday, I had a run-in with a really nasty piece of work at the supermarket. this woman started shouting the odds because she wrongly assumed I was about to park illegally in a disabled bay.  She would not listen to reason.  Later in the shop.  She was still going off even know I was in my wheelchair, and she tried to prevent me moving and sat on me! I had pushed her off and reversed and left the shop because otherwise I would have lost it.

Later that night I had disturbed sleep, and yesterday I kept having flashbacks to my childhood.  It really f*cking annoys me that I can still so easily be transported back.  Still I feel much better today.

The cat belongs to a friend of mine. Isn’t he gorgeous? The photograph of me is how I dress for the show at Leeds on Saturday past. my next show is not until 15 August.  I have missed two shows out.  I can do with it not being so hectic!

CATS

I had a terrible day yesterday regarding pain.  However, I have woken up feeling much better today.

Dog people have always warned that when one becomes successful, people will be nasty.  I have not experienced much of this. One 'friend' was clearly jealous and our friendship is all but over.  Now she is causing trouble, with regard to Whitney's father.  So sad.  I am not overly concerned because I kept my distance from this person.  When it became apparent to me what she was like.  Whenever we spoke, she always slagged off other people including her friends.  When a person does that, you can be fairly certain that they are doing the same to you.  The only other bits of nastiness that I'm aware of is some woman who was overheard telling other people that my disease was all put on for sympathy.  As I said, when I mentioned this before, my play for sympathy, cost me an awful lot of money and a lot of inconvenience!  I must be an effing good actor, as I am prescribed heavy-duty painkillers like tramadol and morphine!

Jealousy, I do not understand.  I understand envy.  To me, envy is about aspiration, where as jealousy is about destruction.  At least this is how I view it.

Recently I have not found acceptance so readily available to me. Much to my chagrin, I have found that going and doing a talk and demonstration leaves me shattered the next day.  Just like a dog show does.

The pain of my disease causes I can cope with its never really been that much of a problem.  I am good at ignoring pain, and now of course I have medication when it gets too much and I can't ignore it. On the other hand, fatigue is not something one can do anything about.  It just is, one has to ride it through.  I find this very frustrating.  It also makes me feel old before my time.I do not like being able to do what I want to do and when I want to do it.  I also do not always take into consideration.  This part of my disease and John often has to point out that I have agreed to do too much.  I had a phone call just the other day, reminding me of a booking I had for a talk and demonstration which I have agreed to do the day after a dog show.  I apologise profusely to the person and said that I would not be able to attend.  Because I have worked there before, they understood completely and she also understood my reluctance to accept that it was beyond my capabilities.  No harm done , and I guess this means I am just getting better at accepting my limitations.

I am thankful that I can still swim.  Swimming is very important.  Not only does it help with stress, it keeps my weight down, and most importantly, it keeps me mobile.  The longer I can keep up swimming,  the longer I can stave off the worst.

It also annoys me that I cannot write about my disease and the difficulties it causes me without feeling like I am moaning and making a fuss about nothing. It makes me feel guilty.  A part of me believes I should keep a stiff upper lip and not talk about such things.  There are people far worse off than me etc etc etc

My dyeing has been going well and the selling of my hand-painted yarns has also been going very well.  I really enjoy the dyeing.  It is very satisfying and it is also exciting.  When I prepare to dye, I have no idea what I am going to produce.  That is one of the most exciting things about it.  Actually, it is the most exciting thing about it!  I also get a kick out of mixing up my own colours.  I am not afraid to try new combinations.  I'm also not afraid to see what happens if I'd put this dye in that dye.  I have produced some lovely unique colours this way.
I often mix dyes when I have little amounts left rather than throw away.

I have been up since 5:30 AM as I have to be in bed very early this evening because I have Leeds championship show tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  I have sorted out my outfit which is built around a wine coloured frock coat.  I may be able to have a picture of me dressed up later on today.

GET YOUR FINGERS OUT

It is disappointing to note that several of my favourite bloggers appear to have stopped blogging.  I do hope that they resume.

I have not done anything that is different recently.  I have been really into the dyeing and I'm pleased to say that my yarns have been selling well.  I really do enjoy doing it and I have discovered that on the days when I am feeling particularly bad, if I go and do some dyeing, I soon feel better.  I have an unusual looking metal chair that is fully height adjustable that I use  for grooming dogs, and now I also use it for dyeing.  I find that the pain, even with the morphine gets quite intense when I'm dyeing.

I have been asked by an American publication if I will provide designs for men's knitwear.  These will be for machine knitting.  I have yet to commit myself.

I am in the middle of a cashmere and silk machine knit sweater for John, I am still handed him my Aron.  Just a few rows here and there.  I also have a couple of pairs of socks on the needles.

I am very pleased with my puppies.  Their temperaments are excellent.  Mary Grace is very promising as regards show quality.  Tucker and Jackson are not show quality puppies, but they will make delightful pets.  They are intelligent and affectionate.  They were very easy to lead train.  I sometimes wish I could keep every puppy I breed!

I am looking forward to our trip to Dresden in Germany.  Germany is such a beautiful country and there will be plenty to see and do both on the drive there and during our stay.  Although we have been to Edinburgh, in Jeeves, this'll be the first really long trip in him.  I will take Big Daniel with us, not Little Daniel, as Big Daniel is much more suited for roaming around towns and villages.  Big Daniel is more robust.

If I have not said so before.  Germany is excellent for the disabled traveller.  Not only are there  plenty of facilities, but the people themselves are very kind and helpful without being at all patronising.  I am not ignored, and I'm not spoken to like I am an imbecile.  Here they are much more likely to speak with John than they are with me if I'm in a wheelchair!  Here, they tend to think that people in wheelchairs are dribbling idiots!  I have absolutely no idea what has happened in the UK that we seem to have lost all sense of respect and politeness.  Unless you should think this is a problem of the young.  I am here to inform you that actually the most polite and helpful are the yarn.  It is the older generation 50s and up that are terrible.

I have been invited to judge Lhasa Apso for the first time at a dog show next year.

THE RELUCTANT MEDIUM

Much to my annoyance, I have woken up feeling like a truck ran me over.  No swimming, and more pills than usual.  I did a talk and demonstration yesterday 50 miles away.  I am somewhat surprised that it has taken so much out of me.

I really enjoyed last night's work.  It went really well and I gave some good evidence.  I do wish that those who accuse people like me of faking and conning people would actually make the effort and go and see mediums work before they make up their mind that it's a load of shit!  Yes, there are bad mediums, and there are good mediums who give bad services.  It happens to the best of us.  However, if they were serious enquirers, and they went to enough services, they would soon realise that there is a lot more to it than a hoax!  It seems to me, most people just dismiss it without knowing anything about it and without making any serious study of it.  Both John and I are very intelligent people, and naturally sceptical.  We do not take anything on face value.  Over the last 30 years, we are in no doubt that mediums give information that cannot have been gotten by ordinary physical means.  I think that this is evidence that our consciousness does not die.  Only our bodies do.

When I am working, I see, I hear, and I feel the communicators.  I do not see them and hear them the way that I do in the physical world.  The images and voices are more like dreams and thoughts accept that I'm awake.  I often feel the physical condition that the person says they died of.  Obviously, I do not feel the full force of it, but I will often experience of discomfort in the part of my body that they had affected.  I also feel their emotions, if they get really close.  It's almost like they have come inside of me, and the feeling I have of their emotion is very strong.

I have to say that if I did not have this ability, I do not think I would believe. More than likely I would be a fundamentalist atheist.  However, I cannot deny my experiences, both John and I have tried every which way to explain this away, that does not involve survival of consciousness after physical death.  We have not been successful.

I think that one of the reasons many scientists, not all, are so adamantly convinced that people like me are liars and conmen is because if they accepted the truth of this, it would turn their science upside down and they could not cope.  The whole basis of their life and their study would have to be re-evaluated. Personally, I think science and enquiry are of the utmost importance, and I think that eventually survival of consciousness will be accepted as a scientific fact.  Not an airy fairy, religious thing but something that happens to every single one of us.

I do not pretend to know what the big picture is.  My work is not about convincing anybody there is a God.  I do what I do, to give evidence that our consciousness survives death.  That is all. I do not try and convince anybody of any thing, nor do I tell them what to believe and what not to believe. What they do with what they experience with me is entirely up to them.

I do not know what the purpose of physical life is.  And I do not know what the next life is like.  I do not know the mind of God.  I do not even know if there is a God.  (Those who say they do are deluded.) Just because our consciousness survives physical death, doesn't mean there must be a God.  However, as scientists are very happy to point out, giving God as an explanation for us and the universe, just presents us with another problem.  How did God come to be?  Their Big Bang theory presents the exact same problem, I think!  In other words, there must've been something to bang and there must have been something that caused the bang.  If so, what caused the cause!  It's no different to who created God?!

Having said all that.  I think much of what science has uncovered about the origins of our universe and of evolution is much more sensible than the idea that a being made all this in seven days and we are only a few thousand years old!  I do think eventually, particularly with the way that physics is going, that survival of consciousness will be taken seriously, and it will probably answer many of the unanswerable questions.  I do not know.   I only know that our consciousness survives death.

I should also say that when I discovered this I was not happy I was horrified.  And then very angry.  I wanted that when my life was over, that would be it.  At that time, I found life intolerable.  So much so that I've tried to end it and it is this that gave me the first indication that our consciousness survives death.  I did not feel like a huge weight had been lifted off me.  Nor did I feel peace and a great love.  I felt nothing like that at all.  I felt fear and rage.  I wanted to stop existing.  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I cannot die.  And there is no escape.  I was left with no choice but to look at why I found life so intolerable, and thus started the long road to recovery.  Today I am happy and I understand what happy means.  I used to think that feeling good, was just an absence of pain or an absence of feeling and on the days that I was successful in numbing myself, I would have said I was happy.  I had no idea what happy actually meant!

I have often thought that if I wrote a book about my life.  I could call it The Reluctant Medium.  This is not a gift I wanted, nor did I seek it, but it did explain much of my life and experiences I had as a child, which I was told were either signs of mental illness or of Demon possession!  I had enough problems in my life, and enough people thought I was weird without adding this into the mix!  It is just as well, I no longer give a fuck what people think of me!  What other people think is not my business.  I have to live my life according to my conscience, I cannot live it according to another person's.  Just look at all the pain and suffering in this world because people try and live by the  conscience of other people instead of being true to themselves!

It always amazes me what I end up writing about.  The above is not what I had intended to write amateurs can write about my ordinary everyday things which I thought was pretty dull, but I didn't really seem to have much else to say.  It seems I was wrong.

Moaning Minnie

I'm afraid it's been one of those days I had a bad night due to the pain in my hips and my ribs and the pain in my hips has lasted all day.  I did not go swimming, and I feel somewhat tired today.  I do plan to swim in the morning.

Mary Grace is such a clever little girl.  She already gives her paw on command, one at a time.  I taught her inadvertently.  She gave it to me once and I took it and praised her and that was all it took .  She does it whenever she is asked.

All three puppies are lead trained,  and happily trot along with the lead on.  I have to say that these puppies are the nicest sweetest temperaments I've ever had.  They are very like their father, and they have also inherited his penchant for speaking to you.  Whitney they're older half sister also speaks.  And by this I mean, they howl and make strange noises.  When they are pleased to see you and when it's dinner time, they throw their heads back and howl.  It is a special howl.  It's not like a coyote howl.

I have been busy dealing with the hanks that I have died, and putting them in my shop.  I really rather pleased with this lot of dying and I am itching to do more despite the fact that I have got rather a lot already done!  I have kept one hank back for  myself because I really liked it.  I have already got halfway up the foot of one sock using it.

The weather is crap.  It has been very windy chilly rainy and dull, although right now when I look out, it is still breezy, but the sun has finally come out and the clouds have all but disappeared.

Neither Edna nor Carly have come into season yet, but I'm expecting one of them to do so shortly. The atmosphere here has changed  Carly is being over affectionate, and the girls are being a bit stroppy with each other.

WHAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO

you can see some of these in my shop where I have a £2 off sale until July 2oth, midnight UK time. KNITMAN’S KITCHEN

CERE’S SOCKS

These socks are Cere, my vet. She has the same size feet as I. The yarn is my own Knitman’s Kitchen, SW Blue Face Leicester / nylon, 400m / 100g. My last of this mix. The design is my own. I used The Andersson Construction Method with the revised Mach II heel. This is the second pair in which I have used the 1 x1 gusset, with a modification on the first time. I much prefer this.

Click on pictures for a larger view.

I knitted them using 2mm ADDI Lace circulars. The pattern was made up as I went along and is in my head and therefore not available. I may one day figure out how to download from my brain to a pc/iMac!

MAMMOTH READ

I have done a huge amount of dyeing.  Mainly because I was trying to get a particular colourway to look right, but also because I have been experimenting with different ways of putting the dye on.  I now have an awful lot of work to do because I need to rewind them into balls and then in to hanks.

I have a beautiful cashmere and silk sweater half done on the silver reed knitting machine fine gauge.  This is the John and is in three shades of grey.  This has to be my favourite yarn ever.  It is strong and machine washable and slinky soft.

None of the girls are in season yet, but judging from the way they are behaving either Carly or Edna is about to come in.  I think it is Carly because she also is not eating that well and is just behaving rather oddly.  She is normally an affectionate girl but she is over affectionate, right now.

I am reading my first Stephen King novel for years.  This one is called Under The Dome.  It is another mammoth read rather like The Stand, which I enjoyed very much when it first came out.  I have enjoyed many of his novels, but I think he became too long-winded.  Or maybe I just got bored with that sort of story.

It is excellent news that the oil spill in the golf appears to have been stopped.

The difference in the weather is amazing.  It has gone from very sunny and an extremely hot and humid to cloudy and breezy and cool!

I am really looking forward to our trip to Dresden in Germany.  I know this was a far better choice for us than Barcelona.  Assuming of course that there is no heat wave!  Even if there is, I doubt very much that it will be between 35 and 40, which is what it's likely to be in Barcelona.

The puppies are nine weeks old today and they are going to their first vaccination this afternoon.  All the puppies that had over the years, these have to be the nicest tempered I've ever had.  I've never produced bad tempers , but these three are especially a bold and friendly.  They also talk just like Luque and Whitney do!  Luque is definitely a dominant sire.  I am very pleased with Mary Grace.  She is built very well moves very well and has a lovely attitude.  Unfortunately, she also has mis-coloured fleck in one eye.  I think this would preclude her from being shown, but we honestly is far too well-made, to not at least have a litter from her when she's old enough.

DYEING SPREE

John and I went to the Plate and Porter last night for our 29th anniversary meal. As always, the food was excellent. John had a melon and Parma ham from both for his daughter, followed by a seafood Thermidor, followed by a fruit salad with sorbet. I started with a chicken and fried leeks Caesar followed by filet steak with seasonal vegetables. Then followed by a trio of chocolate mousse, white chocolate ice cream and a dark chocolate crème brûlée with dark chocolate crème brûlée was the highlight for me! So far, I appear to have got away with it as well. It's been at least 13 hours since I ate, and my gut seems to be okay.

Today's utility day at the East of England championship show, and I am not there. This show was on my doorstep, but I didn't enter and it feels rather weird. It was my choice and I stand by it.

The puppies will be nine weeks old on Tuesday and I will get them their first vaccination. At the moment only Tucker is available to buy, but I haven't found a suitable buyer for him. They are delightful characters and take very much after their father, and their older sister, Whitney. Luque certainly puts his stamp on his puppies.I am still very pleased with Mary Grace and I feel confident that she will be staying.

I have really been on a dyeing spree recently. I have been experimenting with different ways of putting the dye on the yarn. I think I have come to the conclusion that having the yarn soak in the acid solution gives me better results than having the acid in the actual dye. However, I have a lot of Landscape dyes and Gay Wool dyes and they all have acid already in them. I have a load of base colours in new dyes now. I am very pleased with them. They give very vibrant colours, with only a little amount of dye. Half a gram to 200 mls of water, gives a very strong colour. I have had a heck of a job trying to diet commission somebody. She sent me a piece of yarn from a hank that she had bought from me months ago. I thought that this would be easy to recreate that she doesn't want it in the same yarn. After many attempts to replicate the colours that she wants, I finally realise that the reason I cannot get what she wants is because of the yarn, not the dyeing. I have discovered something very important: it is not just the dye that makes a difference but also the yarn.

 

GREEN EYED FOOL (DOG SHOW MORON)

I took the puppies to be micro-chipped today.  My friend who did it was also at Windsor show last Friday.  He shared something with me, that made him very angry.

He had overheard two women in my breed speaking about me.  One of them was saying ' there's nothing wrong with him, you know, he just does that for sympathy'!!!!!!

Well my friend was rather incensed by this and told them exactly what he thought of them.  He also has similar problems, so he understands.

I find it amusing that somebody would be so unintelligent, and so twisted by jealousy, that they would say such a thing!  I go through an awful lot of inconvenience and expense just to get a bit of sympathy.  I ought to feel complimented, because obviously if I can fool, a neurologist, a rheumatologist, an orthopaedic surgeon and an x-ray machine, and a regular GP  I must be f'ing good!

I guess this means that some people are getting pissed off at Witney winning so well!

I also did my swim this morning but other than take the puppies for their chipping.  I have done nothing much else, I feel as though somebody has pulled the plug on me!  No energy at all.

All say aaarrrhhh.... poor thing.....

UNEXPECTED JOLT FROM THE PAST

I was speaking with somebody I know today, and whom I like.  I got to know them about 18 months ago, because of my involvement in dogs.  During our conversation, she said something using my old surname.  I was really taken aback.  Whereas I have only known this person for 18 months,  even though I have been aware of them for the last 6 to 8 years, she has known me for 25+ years!  I do not remember her at all.  She clearly remembers me and clearly remembers what I used to be like. 

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this person has done absolutely nothing wrong.

All those years ago I was severely disturbed.  I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.  I was doped up to the eyeballs, most of the time.  My behaviour was erratic.  My mood swung violently from elation to deep depression.  I was actively in to self harm and actively bulimic.  I was completely unaware of myself and others.

I changed my surname by deed poll, and I cringe when ever I hear that name or see it written anywhere.  I hate the sound of it and have done for as long as I can remember.  I changed my name in 1979.

I am not so sure why I feel so disturbed.  I am not that person any more.  I have worked very hard to get to where I am now and am very happy with where I am now.  I am no longer disturbed.  I know what is what.  And I have come to terms as much as anybody can with the horrors of my childhood.

When I think back to how I was and the people that I was friends with,I cringe.  I cringe both at how I used to be and how I could possibly have had those sort of people in my life.  Many people judged me severely or took advantage of my situation, and my weakness.  Not any more. I do not allow it.

There is somebody who goes to the shows that I know from way back then.  But I don't really care what they think because they are a homophobe.  Always have been and have never thought well of me.  So I don't care what they think.

Although I am a product of my experiences.  My past is the past and I wish it to stay there.  I have my grief days, and I know that I always will.  Those who know me from way back then, are not owed anything by me.  They have absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and it is none of their business.  If they choose to judge me or find it amusing, that says much about them and nothing about me.

I really am surprised at the strength of my feeling about this.  I think perhaps I should have more compassion for myself and for that poor wretch that I was.  I do, I know only too well what he was suffering, yet at the same time.  I do inwardly cringe at the memory of the person that I used to be.  So vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, and I let people walk all over me

I am confused and I don't really know why I am so upset about this jolt from the past.

ALL CHANGE

It looks as if we shall go to Germany instead of Barcelona for our holiday.  I realised from the way that the heat affects both John and I that Barcelona in their hottest month of August, was not a good idea. We will go to Barcelona March - April time next year, when it will be cooler.

We will probably be going to Dresden, Nuremberg, and then onto Mannheim, where we will stay for a few days and visit with our friends Lia and Lui, as well as visit surrounding areas.

Good friends of ours bought an Apso from us seven years ago.  They have two sons that are now adult, and they have left home.  They have been sharing, Vienna, between the two homes!  I have decided to give them the gold and white boy from this letter.  Now the boys have their own dog.  Coincidentally, they have decided to call him Luque not realising that that is what his father is called.  I also didn't know that Luque is the name of a well-known footballer!

I am doing a service at Bradwell on the Norfolk coast this evening.  I will leave here at about 4:30 as it is 90 miles away.

It looks as though Mary Grace is going to be another howler.  Luque and Whitney, his daughter, both howl when they are excited.  They both talk as well, they are quite vocal dogs.  They are not barkers.  So I am not saying they are noisy dogs trust that they are very expressive.

It is a beautiful clear sunny day outside.  Not as warm as it has been and there is quite a breeze going.

WINDSOR

Despite the difficulties of getting to Windsor and home from Windsor, I really enjoyed the show. It was in the low 70s and overcast, so it wasn't all unbearable. I enjoyed meeting with and chatting with people.

Whitney showed her socks off and won her ninth challenge certificate. Whitney really does enjoy this. Much to my surprise, she nosied up to the Best of Breed male. Normally, she will growl at any dog that comes near us. She does not do this at home and is very mild mannered when we are out, though she does not tolerate any dogs coming near us.

It was another lovely day weatherwise and we are going to go to Panini's as usual for brunch. I hope we get to the market butcher early enough that she still has venison left. I really enjoy the steaks and the cubed for casseroles. Very low-fat, but very tender and tasty.

It looks as though our plan to go to Barcelona is still on. Neither of the girls that I want to breed are in season, and neither are showing any sign of being so.

It is amazing how gossip gets around. I will clear something up right now. Whitney will be retired by the end of August 2011. This is when I will breed her. I have not made my final decision as to whom I will breed her to. But yes, it is likely that I will breed her abroad. So whatever else you may hear what you read here is the actual truth! (Whitney comes in season like clockwork. She is in season for Crufts and August SKC .)

I am managing my pain much better. I am able to swim five days a week, which I really enjoy and am so thrilled to be able to do again. Now all I have to do is get rid of the seven pounds that I put on! I'm not sure if I've mentioned that those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time, will recall that last year, I have a problem with one of the lifeguards bullying me. It all came to a head as you will remember, and I had a couple of interviews with the manager. I am pleased to say that since that time, which is now over a year and said lifeguard has never returned to the pool side. I am so grateful to the young lifeguard, who at the time was only 23 for having the courage to back me up as he witnessed her behaviour towards me.

John shoulder is doing much better now. However, as is usual with incidents like this, it changes forever the attitude one has. He is much more conscious of security on the way home from the station and now makes sure that he is carrying nothing. Which of course is very inconvenient. It also means that I have more concern, and am anxious to get his phone call to say that he is safe and indoors.