I am struggling right now. I do not know why. I am finding it difficult to deal with my physical problems and I am finding it difficult to deal with food issues.
Up until now I think I have handled by 24 seven pain problem really well and whilst my acceptance that I must avoid certain foods has not been 100% it has mostly been successful.
For the last couple of weeks I have been struggling to get out of bed. I have been struggling to eat right. I have been struggling to stay positive.
I just cannot put my finger on why.
I am looking forward to our holiday and maybe John is right and that is all I need is a change but I am not always going to be able to just go away so I am not so sure that this is all I need.
Dog showing has lost its edge to me right now. I do not think it is just because I was so disillusioned and angry when I discovered the relationship between the judge and the winner of Best Bitch(BCC) at a particular show. it might also be that winning does not have the shine that it did. I know that I am itching to campaign a different dog that I have bred myself. I do not think it can be just about being disillusioned with a judge and a competitor both of whom I had respect for prior to this incident. The reason being is that I know and have experience of other less than honourable judging.
I do wonder if my physical pain has increased because of the low pressure we have been sitting under the quite some time now. Last night I was regretting ever having started on painkillers because I somehow think I am much more aware of my pain now when the painkillers wear off. Perhaps this too is bollocks.
I have to put a lot of effort into keeping my weight down and into keeping myself mobile. This is not a case of putting the effort in a few hours a week but put in the effort in on a daily basis, all day everyday.
I feel tired. I want to sleep a lot and I do. Though my sleep is disturbed of course because of pain. I do get a really good night’s sleep if I take a sleeping pill on top of everything else I take but I cannot do this on a regular basis because sleeping pills are addictive and they lose their effect as the body gets used to them.
Often when I write and I do not know what is going on with me the act of writing will answer for me. I cannot say that I feel any wiser now than I did when I first started to write this.
I do not know if any one will understand what I mean that this down feeling is accompanied by a bloated feeling. I hate feeling bloated. Even when my stomach is empty it is feeling bloated.No, I have not developed a new health problem. I have suffered from this bloated business for as long as I can remember.
Even though I have continued to do the things that we normally do like go out to eat go shopping just all the normal things that I do, it has taken effort to do them and I just feel like I want to be in bed all the time.
It would be great, really great, to just be able to sit and doing absolutely nothing, not even knit, and watch TV. I am unable to do this because I always have to f*cking move. it has been on my mind a lot recently how much I would love to curl up in bed and read or even on the settee and read. Pain stops me being able to do this plus I do not read very long before I start wanting to go to sleep!
So I guess it is true to say a lot of things are rather pissing me off right now and yet I cannot find a solution. I am used to having the occasional day when I feel like there is that I have felt like this for a few weeks now and that reads to me suspiciously like something is going on that I need to address but I just cannot figure out what.
6 comments:
I'm really sorry you're down and hurting, right now. I can always tell when rain or snow is coming because my joints start to ache with a deep, dull ache. It used to be just my damaged ankle, but my knees, elbows, shoulders and, sometimes, my fingers hurt. Pain meds don't touch that pain, either. Maybe the low IS causing some problems for you.
The dog showing business can lose its glow, sometimes. My sister went through that until she'd get another really great dog. Once, she also changed breeds. She switched from Affenpinschers to Japanese Chins and had a renewed show career. She never lost her love of the Affies, though, and kept a few. She, too, would get frustrated with SOME officials. As for me, I enjoyed the obedience ring much more than the conformation ring. Jo never understood that.
I do hope you and John have a good holiday and that your pains give you a little respite. Your pictures are so wonderful!
It to me sounds like Depression is hitting you. And that is quite understandable. You are going through so much, that mentally, it is draining you. And physically, along with the other health issues.
Depression takes on both mental and physical attributes.
It may be wise to speak with your doctor about trying a mild anti-depressant. It really can't hurt to try.
HMMM I think John is right a change of scenery would be helpful. You are in a rut. Same things day in and day out aren't the challenge they once were, hence, no distraction from the pain. When I get like this, and I think we all do, it is an effort, to be sure, to keep going. I don't have the answers. So I am no big fat help other than being supportive. Hang in there my talented friend.
I understand. In some ways I've been the same place. Can't put a finger on it, just not right...yet know I have to keep going.
Your disillusionment with the judging ring is justified.
The extreme lows and highs in barometric pressure plays havoac with my arthritis and pain and for me too it's getting to a stage where I can no longer ignore it.
Be gentle with yourself. Right for you seems to be cathartic. And I enjoy (not sure if that's the right word for today) reading and keeping up with how things are going with you.
Depression is awful. I've had it all my life. I will probably spend the rest of my life on medication. And with my arthritis, I'm to the point of requesting pain medication my self. If I need it to make it through the day, so be it. Take something to help you sleep. Sometimes worry is far more harmful than the drug itself.
You're thought of, cared about and prayed for daily.
Jo
Bless your heart , you have so many friends who really care about how you are feeling day by day,myself included.
sometimes it really helps just to know there are friends who care for you and that you can release to with out the judgment of what ever you share about your health and feelings.
have you tried cutting sugar out of you diet?
just a thought , it helped me .
You are in my prayers and thoughts daily too,your friend in Florida, karrol
I'm so sorry you're in pain. I hope that finding something new to work on {re: your next post} will distract you from the pain, and allow you to relax a bit.
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