THE RELUCTANT MEDIUM

Much to my annoyance, I have woken up feeling like a truck ran me over.  No swimming, and more pills than usual.  I did a talk and demonstration yesterday 50 miles away.  I am somewhat surprised that it has taken so much out of me.

I really enjoyed last night's work.  It went really well and I gave some good evidence.  I do wish that those who accuse people like me of faking and conning people would actually make the effort and go and see mediums work before they make up their mind that it's a load of shit!  Yes, there are bad mediums, and there are good mediums who give bad services.  It happens to the best of us.  However, if they were serious enquirers, and they went to enough services, they would soon realise that there is a lot more to it than a hoax!  It seems to me, most people just dismiss it without knowing anything about it and without making any serious study of it.  Both John and I are very intelligent people, and naturally sceptical.  We do not take anything on face value.  Over the last 30 years, we are in no doubt that mediums give information that cannot have been gotten by ordinary physical means.  I think that this is evidence that our consciousness does not die.  Only our bodies do.

When I am working, I see, I hear, and I feel the communicators.  I do not see them and hear them the way that I do in the physical world.  The images and voices are more like dreams and thoughts accept that I'm awake.  I often feel the physical condition that the person says they died of.  Obviously, I do not feel the full force of it, but I will often experience of discomfort in the part of my body that they had affected.  I also feel their emotions, if they get really close.  It's almost like they have come inside of me, and the feeling I have of their emotion is very strong.

I have to say that if I did not have this ability, I do not think I would believe. More than likely I would be a fundamentalist atheist.  However, I cannot deny my experiences, both John and I have tried every which way to explain this away, that does not involve survival of consciousness after physical death.  We have not been successful.

I think that one of the reasons many scientists, not all, are so adamantly convinced that people like me are liars and conmen is because if they accepted the truth of this, it would turn their science upside down and they could not cope.  The whole basis of their life and their study would have to be re-evaluated. Personally, I think science and enquiry are of the utmost importance, and I think that eventually survival of consciousness will be accepted as a scientific fact.  Not an airy fairy, religious thing but something that happens to every single one of us.

I do not pretend to know what the big picture is.  My work is not about convincing anybody there is a God.  I do what I do, to give evidence that our consciousness survives death.  That is all. I do not try and convince anybody of any thing, nor do I tell them what to believe and what not to believe. What they do with what they experience with me is entirely up to them.

I do not know what the purpose of physical life is.  And I do not know what the next life is like.  I do not know the mind of God.  I do not even know if there is a God.  (Those who say they do are deluded.) Just because our consciousness survives physical death, doesn't mean there must be a God.  However, as scientists are very happy to point out, giving God as an explanation for us and the universe, just presents us with another problem.  How did God come to be?  Their Big Bang theory presents the exact same problem, I think!  In other words, there must've been something to bang and there must have been something that caused the bang.  If so, what caused the cause!  It's no different to who created God?!

Having said all that.  I think much of what science has uncovered about the origins of our universe and of evolution is much more sensible than the idea that a being made all this in seven days and we are only a few thousand years old!  I do think eventually, particularly with the way that physics is going, that survival of consciousness will be taken seriously, and it will probably answer many of the unanswerable questions.  I do not know.   I only know that our consciousness survives death.

I should also say that when I discovered this I was not happy I was horrified.  And then very angry.  I wanted that when my life was over, that would be it.  At that time, I found life intolerable.  So much so that I've tried to end it and it is this that gave me the first indication that our consciousness survives death.  I did not feel like a huge weight had been lifted off me.  Nor did I feel peace and a great love.  I felt nothing like that at all.  I felt fear and rage.  I wanted to stop existing.  It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I cannot die.  And there is no escape.  I was left with no choice but to look at why I found life so intolerable, and thus started the long road to recovery.  Today I am happy and I understand what happy means.  I used to think that feeling good, was just an absence of pain or an absence of feeling and on the days that I was successful in numbing myself, I would have said I was happy.  I had no idea what happy actually meant!

I have often thought that if I wrote a book about my life.  I could call it The Reluctant Medium.  This is not a gift I wanted, nor did I seek it, but it did explain much of my life and experiences I had as a child, which I was told were either signs of mental illness or of Demon possession!  I had enough problems in my life, and enough people thought I was weird without adding this into the mix!  It is just as well, I no longer give a fuck what people think of me!  What other people think is not my business.  I have to live my life according to my conscience, I cannot live it according to another person's.  Just look at all the pain and suffering in this world because people try and live by the  conscience of other people instead of being true to themselves!

It always amazes me what I end up writing about.  The above is not what I had intended to write amateurs can write about my ordinary everyday things which I thought was pretty dull, but I didn't really seem to have much else to say.  It seems I was wrong.