I was speaking with somebody I know today, and whom I like. I got to know them about 18 months ago, because of my involvement in dogs. During our conversation, she said something using my old surname. I was really taken aback. Whereas I have only known this person for 18 months, even though I have been aware of them for the last 6 to 8 years, she has known me for 25+ years! I do not remember her at all. She clearly remembers me and clearly remembers what I used to be like.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this person has done absolutely nothing wrong.
All those years ago I was severely disturbed. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals. I was doped up to the eyeballs, most of the time. My behaviour was erratic. My mood swung violently from elation to deep depression. I was actively in to self harm and actively bulimic. I was completely unaware of myself and others.
I changed my surname by deed poll, and I cringe when ever I hear that name or see it written anywhere. I hate the sound of it and have done for as long as I can remember. I changed my name in 1979.
I am not so sure why I feel so disturbed. I am not that person any more. I have worked very hard to get to where I am now and am very happy with where I am now. I am no longer disturbed. I know what is what. And I have come to terms as much as anybody can with the horrors of my childhood.
When I think back to how I was and the people that I was friends with,I cringe. I cringe both at how I used to be and how I could possibly have had those sort of people in my life. Many people judged me severely or took advantage of my situation, and my weakness. Not any more. I do not allow it.
There is somebody who goes to the shows that I know from way back then. But I don't really care what they think because they are a homophobe. Always have been and have never thought well of me. So I don't care what they think.
Although I am a product of my experiences. My past is the past and I wish it to stay there. I have my grief days, and I know that I always will. Those who know me from way back then, are not owed anything by me. They have absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and it is none of their business. If they choose to judge me or find it amusing, that says much about them and nothing about me.
I really am surprised at the strength of my feeling about this. I think perhaps I should have more compassion for myself and for that poor wretch that I was. I do, I know only too well what he was suffering, yet at the same time. I do inwardly cringe at the memory of the person that I used to be. So vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, and I let people walk all over me
I am confused and I don't really know why I am so upset about this jolt from the past.
5 comments:
Tis weird how defensive you can gt over a name... I changed mine when my mum remarried, and liked it so much I kept it. I think I also associate my new name with leaving behind some bad stuff.. although I still need to work on leaving the bad stuff behind. The other day a lady kept getting my name wrong over and over and I got so cross with her. Names are important, in magical stories they talk of names having power. I think in our minds they do. I guess I'm trying to say that what you're saying makes perfect sense to me, no idea how to fix it. It just makes sense.
Yes, there are triggers that can set me of too, I just remember that it's in the PAST & I need to keep moving forward.
I had an abusive brother-in-law, who had a pet name for me. (I was a child & he was an adult, so I couldn't stop him from the abuse.)My BIL died & I haven't allowed anyone to call me by that name, nor do I respond when someone tries to call me that name anymore.
Your feelings are normal.
Perhaps this has come up in your life now to show you how far you've come. Stay positive Colin, you're an inspiration. x
I can understand how the name from the past has made waves in your today, you know how you have grown from that man of 'yesterday' to the man you are today. And worked hard for that growth and change.
But the past is behind you, and you are the man you have beome, no name from the past will change you back or drag you back...
Names do have power over us, but we give them that power, so now you have taken the power away from that old name. Create a 'death rite' and give that name and the imagie of the man who had that name a nice and permanent burial..
Paper man with name printed on it burned out in the back garden might be a nice and tidy one.
I tend to agree with Maggie. Also, if that individual cannot make the leap from who you were and who you are, it may be better to sever the connection or at least compartmentalize your interactions to safe topics.
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