John completed the shelving for my boots. 84 boots, 4 pairs of shoes, 1 pair of slip ons.
I am very pleased with this. It is my own design. I am using DAK(designaknit) software with the SilverLink 4 and my XP PC. The pattern is one whole pattern of 250sts and 290 rows.
This is the shelving John is about to put up for me to store my DM's on.
ANDREW - knitted and designed by me. 70% Cashmere 30% SilkI have yet to learn that there are certain things I cannot do and retain my sanity. The most important of these is that I really must not get into any form of discussion with Fundamentalists. No matter how strong I may feel it always ends the same way: with flashbacks and me wishing to cease existing.
I spent five years in therapy being deprogrammed from the crippling thinking I had been taught. Eleven years later,I am still unable to remain calm or neutral when a Fundamentalist starts to spread their infected thinking.
This has resulted yet again in me leaving the arena in which this has been taking place. There may well be other much more interesting discussions going on in this arena but not without numerous people with this infected thinking. At first, it was relatively easy to say one’s piece and leave it alone. Then one finds that one can block others so that is the route I follow, blocking those whose infection is so strong there is no point in reading or responding. For me though, the more of them that appear, the more crazy I start to feel. One can’t block everybody!
I ended up really laying myself on the line and instead of using logic I just described what it was like to live with their hatred; how it affects me and how it affects others like me. This was a big mistake as all I did was open myself up to humiliation and more responses of cruelty and denial.
Thus I deleted myself from the discussion. I am angry at myself for having been such an idiot in baring my soul in the vain hope I might appeal to their conscience. This was such a stupid thing to do as all it did was excite their their hatred. All that matters to these people is that they are right and that their view of the world is the only one that matters, that their feelings are the only ones that matter. They are utterly self-centred. I know this so why the hell did I even attempt a sane discussion?
You may not but I live in a world that is becoming increasingly more frightening. The rise of Fundamentalism is threatening to myself, to John, and to all people who are different. The fact that Uganda either has or is about to pass a law against homosexuality which includes the death penalty just adds to this fear. They were helped in drafting this law by American senators and American Christians. This hardly makes me feel safe.
I truly fear that the the ground has been set for the second Holocaust and I have no faith that decent people will do anything to stop this from happening. They did not in World War II and I cannot see that people are any different today. Seriously, if I think about the future about whether John and I have another 30 years together, it is not his health nor mine that immediately comes to mind as a reason we may not. No. It is the health of society which appears to be failing and I am truly afraid that we will not have another 30 years because these evil people will have gained power by then.
We appear to be sleepwalking to our own destruction. We pussyfoot around these people, we say that we must respect their views, which is complete and utter nonsense. I respect all human beings but I certainly do not respect all viewpoints and it is a nonsense to suggest that we have an ethical duty to do so.
We have allowed the rise in homeschooling and faith schools which only further serves to indoctrinate children into vile prejudices and damages there ability to think critically. We have allowed people’s ideas to override the country’s laws. A simple common and plain example being that whilst it is illegal for non-Muslims and non-Jews to kill animals for meat in the way that they do, they have a legal dispensation to do so. We decry the circumcision of females yet it is not only legal to harm boys in this way but it is almost encouraged. The argument that female circumcision is worse is no argument for the mutilation of a boy.
People are entitled to their religious belief and I would never argue against that. What they are not entitled to do is to warp the minds of children by indoctrinating them nor are they entitled to have laws passed which favours their religious beliefs or makes legal or illegal that which their religion thinks ought.
Religion has no place in government nor in lawmaking nor in the decisions of scientists and their research. Regardless of how deeply held religious views may be they are not based on fact in any way shape or fashion and therefore there is no legitimacy at all in regarding their views as if they were based on fact.
As a society we really must get to grips with Fundamentalism. The writing is already on the wall and if we are not careful we will end up with a Christian theocracy just as evil as the Iranians regime and the Taliban of Afghanistan. Yes it does appear that the biggest danger right now comes from America but do not let that lull you into a false sense of security as the signs of fundamentalist infection in this country are very clear. Besides which when America falls, as it appears to be doing, we will be in serious trouble.
I am not a well-educated man with no consistent formal education beyond the age of 15. As a result I may not be able to express myself as well as I might if I had the education to back me up. All I can do is describe how I think and feel to the best of my ability.
One thing I will try and calmly address is the accusation that I personally and others who do not believe the claims of fundamentalists and are afraid of them, are guilty of hating a group of people just as we accuse them of being.
This is not true and this is why: I see them first off is seriously misguided people who think and act in a wicked way. This does not mean that I believe them to be evil people. There is a difference between thought and action and the person. I also would not make any laws, nor would I want any, that would render illegal their belief system. I have no wish to harm them in any way whatsoever. All that I wish is for them to stop harming other people. This they do but they deny it. They fail to understand that by holding a belief and preaching a belief that some people are less than others, indeed are wicked, they have created and they maintain an atmosphere in which the people they aim their vitriol at can be murdered and maimed. They have blood on their hands just as if they had maimed or murdered with their own hands.
Once again it comes down to personal responsibility and the understanding that how we think, what we truly believe, informs our actions and has a direct effect upon other people even if we are unaware of that. There is no escape from consequences no matter what we believe or how much we desire it to be so.
I will endeavour not to engage these people in discussion again and I am admonished to not cast pearls before swine.
How it must be to live life without conscience. To think say and do what one pleases without regard for the effect on others.
It must be lovely to vent one’s hatred on one’s fellow man without fear. It must be wonderful to commit any manner of hideous crime upon one’s fellows and know that one is never going to be held accountable. Most of all it must be wonderful to know that one is completely right and never have any doubt.
This is the situation with those who are “saved”.
If one believes that Jesus died in order that your sins will not be taken into account, one has a free pass to Heaven.
As long as one believes, there is nothing one can do that one will have to pay the price for.
You can stand on street corners and shout out your hatred of your fellow man and condemn all to Hell. One can kill unbelievers and feel righteous. One can beat children into submission, and feel righteous. A man may subjugate his woman, and feel righteous. A man may subjugate another, and feel righteous. One can spit on the poor and on the sick, and feel righteous.
One can homeschool one’s children and teach them that science is evil and leave them unprepared for the world that we live in, and feel righteous.
One can abandon one’s children for not living up to your standards, and feel righteous.
One can say that Matthew Shepard deserved his death, and feel righteous.
One can say that New Orleans was destroyed by God for its wickedness, and feel righteous.
One can say that an agonising death from AIDS is deserved, and feel righteous.
To believe that all one’s sins are paid for by another is provably dangerous and provably false.
If all a person sins were paid for, they would not experience the consequences of their own behaviour. The mere fact that they do proves that their premise is bunkum. For every cause there is effect. No beliefs will alter that.
To write, as I witnessed yesterday one of these deluded people do, that without a belief in God there can be no morals is probably one of the most evil beliefs there can be. It denies personal responsibility and perpetuates the lie that man is evil left to his own devices. (Never mind that all of the sacred books were written by men and thus so were their moral codes!)
We rely who on our conscience think deeply and carefully about what we believe and how we treat ourselves and others for we know that our beliefs and our actions have consequences and that we and others will be affected by those consequences. We do not believe in a fairy tale, in magic, that allows us to escape the consequences of our thoughts and our actions.
Evil springs from this very misconception, that we are not responsible for our beliefs and our actions.
Those of us who know this ought not sit down and be quiet in the face of this tidal wave of evil. We must stand and be counted. Evil in all of its forms can never be and should never be tolerated.
(It is also important to understand that just because one rejects the idea of a saviour God does not make one an atheist.)
I get many e-mails from young women wishing to become my special friend. Mostly these are East European women for some reason.
Clearly these women do not read and know nothing about me. No matter how pretty and East European she may be, she is pretty much of no use to me unless she really likes to clean.
I also get many e-mails promising me that my penis can stay hard for a week and that will make it grow another couple of inches. It does make one wonder why the young East European women have bothered to write to somebody with a floppy, and a small floppy at that!
I also get e-mails offering me cheap antidepressants and anxiety medication, probably targeted at me to help me cope with my small and floppy penis.
I also get e-mails offering me cheap painkillers. This is at least thoughtful because if I have taken the pills that will cause me to have a hard on for a week and grow another 2 inches I am going to need painkillers. I am quite certain they are not offering the painkillers because they know about my particular problems with my bones and muscles. I think there is only one boner and muscle that they care about.
And then of course there are the e-mails that start Dear Beloved In Christ and continue “I am writing this letter in an attempt to screw you.” If I really thought that helping some illiterate Christian to obtain 500,000 million pounds from their bank account in Outer Mongolia and was also assured that they were indeed dying, I would throw away my walking sticks and run to their side.
And then there are the announcements from the European lottery fund telling me that I have one trillion dollars to collect as my winnings for a lottery that I did not enter.Of course, I may have entered but you know how forgetful I am. However these kind people are quite prepared to give me 1 trillion just on the strength of my e-mail address.To make it easy for me they even give me a telephone number to call in order to claim my winnings. The phone call would probably cost $1 trillion.
What are you doing Ada? Get off!
Then of course are the e-mails that I truly do enjoy. I get many e-mails from people who say they love me. They write to me because they want to save me from Hell. They love me so much they want to point out how evil I am and that if I do not mend my ways I shall burn in Hell forever because that is the punishment that God’s unconditional love prescribes for people such as myself. These people are more stupid and more blind than the Dear Beloved In Christ authors. Quite unable to see the evil and illogicality in their delightful prose. I am however grateful to these people for writing to me because they stop me becoming complacent and thinking that such evil has receded. One thing that has always puzzled me about burning in Hell for eternity: WTF is going to burn? My body will have become worm food or air particles and even if it has not, there is no way that it could burn forever. If my body can burn forever, then surely the fuel freaks would have harvested most of us by now in order to run their Hummers on the cheap.
It is with great sadness that I write that of the thousand or so e-mails I receive a day not one of them is from Daniel Craig. No. You would think that I mention him often enough for it to a filtered through to him. Blimey, I have even named my two electric wheelchairs after him. Well, it’s a bit late to write to me now Daniel. I am well and truly miffed. Besides, it is far too late, I am already taken. You had your chance. You blew it. Or not as the case may be.
How about this for a laugh: a brother who was a rabid and abusive Jehovah’s Witness has now become a psychic who specialises in family healing. He is so good at this that he charges a very hefty fee and will tell you quite freely that I am quite evil.(To be fair he probably doesn’t mention me at all the rest it should sully his reputation.) Unfortunately people fall for his crap and he is paid for his “services”. The lengths people will go to to avoid the truth. I have to say that I tried initially to think that he was sincere and was merely deluded. I now think he knows precisely what he is doing. Don’t get me wrong, he does not have the power to hurt me any more and I don’t wish him in my life but really how can one preach about forgiveness and family healing when one has such hatred toward a brother? I understand that he must continue to believe I am evil because whilst he does so it keeps his own lie, that we had good and loving parents and that he did not contribute to my abuse by 1. Denying the abuse took place even when I got locked up in a mental hospital and 2. By continually telling me that I was possessed by Demons. The funny thing about this last one was that he got through to me and one night I burst through the doors of the Kingdom Hall begging to be released from my Demons. Oh, the embarrassment on his face and the look of sheer terror on the faces of everybody else. And needless to say there was no trying to deliver me from the Demons. Suddenly, my Demons turned out to be nothing else but “he is a nutter”! I might add, in case it needs saying, that the only reason I succumbed in such a dramatic way was because indeed I was extremely stressed and frightened because of all that was going on and how my reality was constantly being denied, and also because I was on medication that was making me hallucinate. Needless to say my hallucinations were of devils and fire. Coincidentally, the sort of things that my brother had been telling me I was possessed by!
Anyway back to more amusing things.
On some of the discussion boards that there is quite often heated discussion about whether or not homosexual people are human and whether or not we ought to be allowed to live. Many of those who think we are subhuman call themselves Christians. The most common thing about these writers is that they are clearly uneducated. They cannot spell, they do not have the words to express themselves and write the most stupid things. No wonder Christians are so into homeschooling and want to keep real education out of schools. It is the only way to keep these morons moronic.
Quite why this is come into my mind I do not know but I remember very clearly a situation that arose during mass when my brother and I were but boys. We were kneeling at the altar as the priest was moving along the row and one by one placing the Eucharist on our tongues. As he reached my brother, my brother farted. I am laughing like a child right now relating this! It was hilarious and even more hilarious because we had to try really hard not to laugh. It does me in just thinking about it. Very funny. If you if you could see my face!
Okay I guess that’s it I’ve rambled long enough today. I have just realised that my physical pain is very much less this morning. It goes like that. There is no rhyme nor reason to why it was so bad yesterday. It just was and this morning it’s not. One just has to go with the flow.
No matter how I try and prepare myself each year I always end up feeling down at this time. It is my birthday on Thursday and the end of the following week Christmas.
Neither fills me with cheer. I know my life is very different now to what it was and I am very grateful for that. Yet, I fail to not be overwhelmed by bad memories and feelings of loss at this time.
There is little else I can say apart from role on the New Year! I am the world can get back to normal. I will no longer have the fact that I don’t have a family and never had a loving one rubbed in my face.
Yes, I have the man that I love the last 30 years, I have my dogs, I have a good life. None of which obliterates the past and maybe I should stop thinking it will.
I did not write the following. I also was unable to ask permission of the man who wrote this Facebook as his account has been set so that it is impossible to make contact. I therefore will not add his name, just his words which I find profound and is just how I feel about all those who have protested to me how they don’t ‘hate’.
To start my reply, let me say a little about myself as background. First, I am a man who is a progressive evangelical Christian. Second, I happen to be gay. Third, before I accepted myself as gay and finally came out, I spent more than eigh...t years as a leader and as a participant in the ex-gay movement where I tried to change my sexual orientation and assist others in changing theirs. I left the movement in much pain after I realized it did not work for me or for others, and, indeed, caused all of us more harm than good. Fourth, I am a person who for years has studied Christian theology, ethics, comparative religion, fundamentalisms in various religions, fundamentalist and evangelical Christianity, as well as Christianity in a variety of other contexts. Fifth, I am a student of global human and civil rights and a human and civil rights advocate and activist. Given all of these things, might I suggest the following to those other Christians who have chosen to take offense (it is always a choice we make to let ourselves be offended) at an all-inclusive statement about Christians being at war with gays?
First, why are you so offended? We as humans tend to be most angry and offended at those things that point a finger back at us in some way. Perhaps there is more truth to Anne's statement than most Christians care to admit about Christians being at war with gays. If not, what really irks you about this statement?
Second, if anyone who is a Christian is offended, I ask that same person of faith the following question: What are you and other Christians in your sphere of influence doing to educate and advocate for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people around the world who suffer at the hands of religious people today? No one can deny the centuries of persecution of people presumed to be homosexuals in Christian culture by people who were Christians. But what are Christians doing in America today to help the more than two million homeless youth on our streets, of whom at least 25 to 40 percent are estimated by experts to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender? What are you doing to help prevent bullying of kids in your church youth group or at your local schools over issues of PERCEIVED sexual orientation? What has your church done in response to the rash of recent publicized suicides by gay teens and young adults, many of whom were bullied? What are Christian churches doing to help prevent teen suicide by gay and lesbian teenagers who feel hopeless because of the constant harassment and belittling they suffer at the hands of others, who often profess to be people of faith (and in America that usually means that they are Christians)?
How easily we Christians want to forget the sad history of the Christian church toward Jews, homosexuals, women, children, and anyone else who did not fit into the norm. More people than we can count have been tortured and killed in the name of Jesus Christ, and many because they were presumed to be homosexual. How easily we forget that the very word "faggot" comes from the practice of tying homosexual men together like a faggot of sticks and burning them before God to purify the community of the evil of homosexuality in Christian England.
Sadly, what Anne proclaims about Christians being at war with gays has more truth to it than most Christians care to admit. As one who has studied theology, church history, current politics and church polity of various denominations, I have to say that even today there are, indeed, significant parts of the Christian church that are, in fact, at war with gay people in spiritual, psychological and, in some cases, far more literal ways. That is not to say that all Christians hate gay people, or that even most Christians do. But most Christians in the United States are complicit in causing the suffering of gay people around the world because they remain silent and do nothing to stop other Christians from doing evil in the name of Christ. They do not ally themselves with gay people, as Jesus would. They do not stand up for those whom many would consider the least in society (Matthew 25). In many countries of the world today, gay people are worse than lepers. While this is not usually the case in the United States or most other industrialized countries, it certainly is true in lesser-developed areas of the world where the Christian church plays a more central role, such as Africa. In Uganda a law is almost certain to pass in coming weeks, thanks to hateful Christians, who were inspired by American Christian ex-gay ministry leaders who visited Uganda in 2009. Most of the Christian churches in Uganda seem to support the so-called “kill the gays” bill, which requires long, if not life-long, prison sentences for homosexuals and, in some cases, mandates the death penalty for homosexuals and people living with HIV.
In conclusion, I wish that, before other Christians got upset over and proclaimed how offensive it is to be told that Christians are at war with gays, they instead got concerned over what really is happening to gay people in their own communities and around the world and did something to help stop the suffering. Instead of getting irked when they are lumped together with others because of the legacy of the Christian church to date with respect to gay people, Christians in America need to remember that it is largely Christians who are advocating to keep Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and it was largely Christians and other people of faith who fought to get Proposition 8 passed and who are fighting to support it now. I wish that, for once, my evangelical Christian and Roman Catholic brothers and sisters would walk in the shoes of their gay brothers and sisters for even a day. If you do not think that Christians are at war with gays, I dare you to walk into a Christian church and tell the pastor that you are gay and see what happens. I challenge you to consider what it must be like to be a gay person in Uganda, a very Christian nation that is intent on "killing the gays," by the admission of many of its many Christian leaders. Then try educating others in your church about what Christians are doing to gay people in Uganda and see how quickly you are silenced in the name of Christ.
The world can often seem a very frightening place. We look around and we see the harm that people do each other. There is nowhere on this earth where people are not set against other people. It can often seem completely overwhelming and out of our control.
Is there anything that we can do about it?
Yes, I believe that there is.Unfortunately, it requires an opening of the mind of each individual. Therein lies the problem.
I have often said, because I firmly believe it, that if we get the rearing of our children right we will see most of the ills of this world disappear.
Few children are brought up with unconditional love and few are taught how to think. Rather they are taught that they have to be good enough to be loved and have to believe what they are told to believe in order to be accepted.
This sets the child up to be a guilt ridden adult who is unable to think critically and even if they have doubts about the beliefs they have been given guilt and shame will prevent them from thinking for themselves.
One of the most insipid destroyers of critical thinking is religious teaching. The premise that we are but sinful creatures who have to spend our lives atoning for this fact in the hope that we may please a vengeful and fearful God, set people up or failure and shame. Shame-based people will commit all sorts of foul deeds and cause much misery to themselves and to others. They will also be blind and I’m thinking and will see nothing wrong in passing on their belief system to their children. In fact the most affected will feel very strongly that they must “save” their children by making them think and believe the way they have been taught.
It can be difficult to reconcile today’s modern world with everything that we know about people and about science and about history, and primitive religious beliefs and ritual.
Women who wear wigs so as not to show their real hair, people who do not eat certain foods, people who will not work on a given day, people who believe that saying a few prayers will absolve them of all their mistakes and free them from their affects, people who believe that an unbaptised child will never enter the kingdom of heaven, people who believe that dressing a certain way makes them good and people who believe that other people, just by their nature, are deserved of death, people who believe that to worm, de-flea, de-tick a dog is wrong, who believe that not eating meat is the way to heaven. Yes, these are the ridiculous and damaging beliefs that people hold.Just a few of the beliefs of course. the reason for most people believing such unjust and ridiculous ideas is because they were indoctrinated as children. The powers that be in religion know that in order to retain their power they must control the minds of the people and the best way to do this is by teaching children from the earliest opportunity.This way is the most certain route to having unthinking and obedient adults.
It is very much harder to actually try and be a good person, to act unselfishly, to question one’s own motives, to give freely, to love unencumbered by judgement, to listen, to feel compassion, and help another to realise themselves, then it is to follow ritual and the words of a book by rote.
The only hope that we have is to stop abusing our children, to stop being afraid of them, to stop believing that children are born wicked and wild and must be brought under control by their upbringing.instead we must recognise that what we put into children is what comes out when they are adult. Despite religious teaching to the contrary, bringing a child up with unconditional love and encouraging the child to be the best that they can be rather than what we want them to be, will result in adults who value themselves and value other people and are therefore much less likely to harm others. Such people will not be ready to go to war for any old reason, they will not be ready to condemn other people based on their sex, sexuality, or race and most importantly they will not be susceptible to the control freaks and power mongers of religion. This being so they are hardly likely to succumb to religious brainwashing and therefore cannot pass this virulent wickedness onto their own children.
All one has to do is listen to or read people who have succumbed to religious teaching. It is very obvious that their critical mind has been successfully turned off. They cannot see the evil and irrationality inherent in what they are proposing is the Truth. Strangely, their critical thinking ability does not fail them when demolishing a different religious ideology to their own! They can see the flaws and wickedness inherent in other people’s religious beliefs, but not in their own.
There is a well-known British journalist who is Jewish and a supporter of the state of Israel, who writes about other religions and other ideologies and homosexual people in precisely the same manner that Hitler and the Nazis wrote and spoke about Jews which resulted in the Holocaust. To me this woman and her views are abhorrent yet she is paid to expound upon her views on the BBC and is often on a panel questioning people about ethics! This is the sort of thing that happens when people have been taught to believe in a particular way and when people are afraid to criticise another person just because they belong to a particular group and one is afraid that one’s criticism will be construed as racism or anti-Semitism. (Do a Google search for Melanie Phillips and read some of her articles.)
The hardest work of anybody’s life is self examination and being who we are. We will be opposed every step of the way. There will always be other people trying to prevent you realising yourself, trying to control your thoughts and your actions. The most common way for people to do this is through religion and through the admonishment that ‘It’s a Sin’. This control mechanism is very old and very successful. Yet, there would be far less in in this world if we did not try and control others for our own ends.
It is our personal responsibility to deal with our own fears, our own anger, our own thought processes, our own flaws, our own lives. We are not responsible for what other people, adults do and think, but we are responsible for how we react to them. If we give out condemnation, violence, and rejection to those we disagree with WE are at fault.
I believe that all human beings are worthy of love, respect, and care. This I believe regardless of how the human being behaves or thinks. Of course as a human being I find it impossible to feel and act on this 100% of the time. It is unrealistic for me to expect that of myself or of anybody else. However, it is not unrealistic to expect that I do not deliberately harm another and that I do manage.
We treat other people the way that we are inside not because of the way they are outside. It is always down to us as individuals. Blaming the other is a negation of our personal responsibility.
We must of course not by our behaviour and actions condone unacceptable behaviour. Unacceptable behaviour should always be met with intolerance. This does not mean that it is valid to treat people who behaved unacceptably in a hateful and hurtful manner.
If I could take a magic wand and by waving it alter my world, I would wish that every person on the planet would truly love and accept themselves.
I managed to get John to talk to me. After a while he started to talk about when he was mugged earlier in the year. Suddenly his behaviour since then has made sense! I am really surprised I had not realised myself. The trouble is the PTSD behaviours that I have are so much a part of me now that neither of us consider them a problem and my moods are no longer volatile. I am still somewhat taken aback though that I did not recognise the symptoms in him.
The way he has been behaving swinging from bad mood to silence to hyper and being ultrasensitive. Everything about him in the last few months has not been the way he usually is.
The mugging has left him feeling very vulnerable and somewhat shocked. He is 6ft 1” and has never really had any problems physically with other people. The mugging has made him feel old and weak.
I cannot relate everything here and I will not even try but his behaviour now makes complete sense to me.
All I knew was that he was keeping something from me and when I have that feeling I find it very frightening. I am glad that I now know what it is and even more so that he has actually told me. He is like many men in that his training does not allow for free expression of his feelings. Telling me is a big deal for him.
I am not sure where we go from here. I have a feeling though that now he has spoken to me about it that things will now improve.
I feel the most miserable this morning then I have felt for a long time, not since I found out about the tax situation. I had a nightmare filled sleep finally gave in at 5:30 AM and took half a sleeping pill and got up a little while ago with a pounding headache.
John was sick all weekend Monday and Tuesday with a chest infection. This is not a minor thing for him as he suffers from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, COPD. I had to nag him on Sunday as if he was a child to take his antibiotics and other tablets.
Last night he went to London. No warning. He said he suddenly remembered he has an important meeting today. I told him that he did not have to be there they knew he was sick and how dare he take this risk. He, just like child, insists that there is nothing wrong with him. All this through his laboured breathing. I really lost my temper which I hate to do as it reminds me of my father, although I am not violent toward John. I do tend to smash things though and make a mess that I then have to clear up. Needless to say I am paying for that physically today.
He only has just over a year before he retires. I really don’t know what is playing at. He is like very many men who really keep most talk about feelings to himself. He is very good at telling you how his day went with endless boring detail about the tube trip but never about how he feels.
Ever since the tax situation started and his diagnosis I have never been able to relax and think that everything is okay. I have no idea if I’m going to get hit with another big bombshell and of course I’ve no idea what can happen with regards to COPD because he refuses to accept it properly. He does at least take the minimum amount of medication but I’m sick of having to fight him when he needs to take antibiotics. I could hit him every time he says “it’s just my chest clearing out gunk”. NO! it’s your chest saying you need antibiotics! That is why the gunk is there!!! Moronic.
I feel very insecure and tearful this morning. We are supposed to marry in just over 12 months time but I am scared that it will just increase my lack of security. I do seriously think about staying permanently in my flat, on my own, with a couple of my dogs. At least then I wouldn’t have to spend my whole time waiting for the other foot drop.
I thought that awful dreadful feeling was gone and done with because I am no longer being abused as a child. I really did not expect it to come back nor did I expect it come back in this way. I try to live a day at a time, and succeed, but my dreams are of losing it all and him because he keeps me in the dark about everything. I fully expect the police will knock on the door to tell me he dropped dead because he refuses to grow up and accept his disease OR we will be out on the street because of another bankruptcy I know nothing about.
Living with such insecurity is terrible for me. I thought all that was over but the day I found out about the IRS situation was the day the rug was pulled out from under my feet and there is no way of giving me that security back.
Going back to living on my own in the flat is not the ideal but at least I won’t be waiting for the other foot fall time and I would soon adapt to my new circumstances as I’m good at doing that as long as I know what is what.
It is the not knowing that destroys for me. He won’t talk to me he won’t talk to the doctor and he won’t talk to anybody else.
There is nothing left I can do.
“You are acceptable just as you are. Right now. Right here. Not when you or others feel that you are good enough. But now. Who you are. Just as you are. No matter what you have done no matter what you will do.”
Above is what I wrote in my last post entitled GOOD ENOUGH. Below is part of a comment that was left in response to it:
I think, your last sentences could be misunderstood by some people and be taken as excuse for them being dangerous for themselves or others. "no matter what we do" could be interpreted by an amoral being in the way, that it would have proof of or be justified in the fact, that torturing or killing living, feeling fellow beings is o.k.
My first reaction to the comment was an inpatient sigh. Then when I began to think about it I realise that the comment illustrates very well the infection of the human mind by religion based upon rewards and punishments. As a result of this human beings just cannot see how any person could possibly behave well without the threat of supernatural punishment.
I believe the converse is true. I believe the more we tell people how bad they are and how they are going to be eternally damned for their badness, the more likely they are to behave badly.
However this is not really the issue. The issue is I made a statement of fact as I understand it as regards unconditional love. I am not about to change the definition of unconditional love because somebody may decide that as they are loved unconditionally just as they are they have carte blanche to do whatever they wish! One cannot turn the truth into a lie because of fear although of course this is done all the time. Hence the world we live in.
I do find it very sad that people seem unable to conceive of an unconditional love and also seem completely unable to imagine forgiveness let alone give it. We human beings just cannot abide by the idea that hateful acts should be met by love. We would rather continue to suffer ourselves just to see somebody else get what we think is their just deserts.
None of us are in any place to judge. We do not walk in anybody shoes but our own. As cliched as that is it is very true.
I know from my own personal experience that there is nothing more painful than facing the truth.NOTHING. I also know that the only way to attain peace is to face the truth and experience it.
Although I was unaware of it at the time, that my wishing nothing but peace for those people that made my childhood living hell, and much of my adult hood as a result, will mean that they will have to face the truth and feel it or they will not have peace.
What better justice is that? Anybody who has truly faced and felt the truth of the damage that they did, or they had done to them, knows of what I speak.
There is no other justice that makes sense. The idea that my abusers will be reincarnated as abusees is just sick and clearly has not been thought through. This type of Karma which many people believe in means that people who molest and terrorise and beat up children are only carrying out a divine plan!
There is nothing I could do to my abusers that would make them feel what I felt because they are not me. There is nothing that could be done to my abusers that would lessen in any way my own suffering.
It is my understanding that as part of spiritual growth, the attainment of peace, which I believe does not end with the death of the body, that each of us has to face the truth of our lives and the effect that we have had on others for both ill and good. To feel what we made others feel. Now that is justice.
Even if death is the end and there is no spirituality, then my contention that there is nothing I or anybody else could do to my abusers that would make up in any way for what was done to me still stands. I do not want anything for them other than peace. People who are at peace with themselves do not abuse other people. I certainly am not letting them have any more of my life by holding on to the idea that they must pay for what they did. If life is eternal, they will in the manner that I described. If life is a waste of time and when we are dead we are dead, well we won’t be around to give a shit will we?
I also know from first-hand experience that no matter how hard we repress, suppress, and deny the truth is always there and it will make itself known through pain and suffering in our lives.
Monsters do not just pop up out of nowhere.They are created. By us. By their parents. By society. By us. Until we accept this, it is likely that we will continue to suffer the results of such people in our societies.
If we cannot let go of our need for vengeance, if we do not stop denying our vengeance and calling it a desire for justice, we won’t know peace.
It is clear that the majority of people believe in a God of vengeance and damnation despite their protestations that their God is a God of love! Clearly a God who offers love with one hand and vengeance with the other is no better than human the reason being is our own human limitation that causes us to reject the idea of unconditional love out of hand because we cannot conceive of it ourselves. It might help if we stop confusing love with like, or emotional attachment. It is perfectly possible to love somebody one really does not like. It has nothing to do with the way that we feel, but with the way that we act. We can treat somebody well unconditionally. It really is possible. Doctors and nurses do it all the time! There is nobody that I would miss treat because of the way I feel about them. Now if that is possible for me, I certainly know it’s possible for you, and I cannot imagine the power of this kind of unconditional love from an omnipotent God.
I think that one of the most insipid things about religion is the teaching that we are not good enough. The idea that we are not good enough is at the root of so many of our ills, if not all of them.
Not only do the religious powers drum into us that we are not good enough, but they also then offer the carrot of becoming good enough through belief in their ideology.
This leads to otherwise good people saying and doing evil things and, what is worse, they are blind to it.
The reason most religions do their best to indoctrinate children through early education in religion, homeschooling, Sunday school, Bible class, is because they know that if they can corrupt children they will have power over the adult that the child becomes.
This corruption is very clear when you listen to otherwise intelligent adults who believe in complete nonsense and illogical ideas.
It is not my intention nor my business to convince people one way or the other about God. I am not interested in convincing you that there is one nor am I interested in convincing you that there is not one.
If there is a God then this God would be far removed from us human beings. She would not need our constant praise, nor our obedience, nor our worship. These things are only needed by a fragile human ego.
No if She does exist and she is a God of love, then that love, in order to be love, would be completely unconditional.
What does that mean?
It means that we do not have to believe anything, we do not have to be anything other than what we are, we do not have to do anything, in order to be loved. We cannot possibly do anything that would stop Her loving us. We cannot do anything that would cause Her to turn Her back on us, or withdraw Her love. There is nothing we could do that would cause Her to abandon us nor destroy us. She, being omnipotent, would not allow any other being to destroy us either, nor torture us for eternity, nor keep us from Her love. The very idea of a satanic supernatural being is completely incompatible with the idea of an all loving omnipotent God.
You are acceptable just as you are. Right now. Right here. Not when you or others feel that you are good enough. But now. Who you are. Just as you are. No matter what you have done no matter what you will do.
Anyone who has been a regular reader of my blog will know that I fully support the idea of euthanasia for people. Today I was listening to Radio Five Live with Victoria Derbyshire, the subject of which was euthanasia. They have this gentleman named Tony communicating via an electronic pad who wants help to end his truly terrible life, which is of course illegal. Suffering is truly terrible. Here suffering from ‘Locked In Syndrome’ since having a stroke five years ago. He is totally conscious but incapable of controlling any part of his body but his eyes.
They had a woman named Rachel who we were told was a disability rights campaigner and a wheelchair user herself. She was totally against the idea that the law ought to be changed because she is one of these people who believes that if the law was changed that the infirm disabled and sick would all get put sleep left right and centre. What angered me the most about her was that she dared to judge the family of a 23-year-old young man who had his neck broken. This young man was paralysed from the neck down with no chance of recovery. On his say-so his family took him to DIGNITAS in Switzerland, where his life was ended. Although this woman did not come right out and say that his family did him wrong she said that he had been surrounded by people who supported his decision whereas he should have had people who did not support his decision around him as well! How dare she?! What right has see got to second-guess this young man? What right does she have to judge his family? Even more to the point how dare she suggest that he should stay alive just to satisfy her ideals?
I sent a text in to the program saying how heartbroken I was at this man’s predicament and how I believe the opposite to this woman named Rachel explaining that I suffered 24 this/7 pain and I therefore have reason to think upon the subject of euthanasia. As a result of this I ended up speaking on the show.
I do wish that I had not. I was much more nervous than I thought I would be and I spoke rapidly and tried to get too much in and I feel fairly certain that I came across as a nutter and not in the cogent way that I intended.
My heart goes out to Tony and to his wife Jane and to his two daughters. I can only hope that they are all soon put out of their abject misery.
In our obsessive fear of death because other human beings so much unnecessary suffering. There are worse things than death. We cannot avoid death we are all going to die. Death is not something that happens to other people. It happens to all of us and it will happen to you who are reading this.
If death is not the end of our consciousness then we have nothing to fear. If death is the end of our consciousness then we have nothing to fear. In the first instance we will not have been annihilated and in the second instance we will not exist and so will be unable to feel anything. It is a win-win situation.
Except of course for the fact that religionists have made death of very fearful thing that everybody with their stories of hell and damnation etc
The pool that I use for swimming has closed until January 10th in order to refurbish the boilers. I had intended to not swim for six weeks because my local Pool is the one that I left because of bullying. The people at the other pool that I attend had told me that there were quite a few changes and that I might not find my local pool that bad. I have to say that I was afraid to go though.
This morning the urge to swim came upon me quite strongly and I thought it is now or never I have to face this situation head-on. I went to my local pool and I had a good swim and unlike all the other times I had attended this time the guard was really pleasant and I was helped into and out of the pool. I had thought that I would get by with just the occasional dog walk but the depth of cold and ice and snow has shown me that this is far too dangerous for me so swimming is the only way that I can keep my mobility going. If I do not my pain will get worse and my abilities will lessen.
The puppies are 16 days old and are doing incredibly well. Whitney is definitely pregnant and is behaving so.
I went for almost 2 years without any puppies and now I will have had three litters in a 12 month period! This has all worked out very well as I have no shows that I need to attend for several months now.
The weather here as I’m sure you all know is very cold and snowy and icy. For some reason the UK is not equipped to handle this and thousands of schools have shut roads have shut transporters come to a halt, airports have closed and the British people are moaning about the weather. Surprise, surprise!
John and I really enjoyed our trip to Amsterdam. We have both come to the conclusion that short trips would suit us much better. I certainly did not come back absolutely exhausted and in much pain. It was much less stressful for the pair of us. There are plenty of places to visit that are within a for a five-day visit. I have discovered that we can do Barcelona easily by getting a train, the Eurostar, non-stop to Avignon. From there it is only a 250 mile drive to Barcelona. The train comes back the following Saturday having travelled out on the Saturday. So we can be away for just a week. I think it will be ideal. Plus it will be very cheap because wheelchair users and their carers travel very cheaply on the Eurostar.
BREAKING NEWS
It is announced today that the nuptials of BISS Ch Polielin’s Whitney with Tantra JW
and Kutani Secret Agent (James)
has been successful. The issue of this exciting pairing are due on January 12th, 2011.
I have been attending this sanctuary on a regular basis for the last 12 years. It is where I go for peace, shared love, healing and relief from pain. It has always felt like home.
Unfortunately, due to the egos and disgraceful behaviour of other people this is no longer the case. Vile things have been written on Facebook about this sanctuary or rather the people involved in it. I do not care one jot what started this off because nothing excuses the vile behaviour that is now taking place. Absolutely nothing.
Feeling aggrieved, even if with just cause, is not a licence to be abusive. Such behaviour is unacceptable. It defiles the sanctuary and is demeaning to the person behaving in such a manner. They show themselves to be in a sorry state and to be so blind to their own self they cannot or will not see that abuse is unacceptable.
It seems to me that because they feel aggrieved they have decided to lash out at everybody and destroy anything they can. What they are actually doing is hurting themselves. This hatred they harbour rebounds on them and in the long run it is they who suffer.
Mediums, are by definition sensitive people. It is really not possible to work well in such a negative atmosphere. The last time that I worked there the animosity in the vibration made work very difficult and it showed.
I have always extended the hand of friendship and treated everybody equally, had a laugh and a joke had a hug and a kiss and end up being treated like dirt under a shoe because I had the temerity this morning to speak up when I saw yet another Facebook comment about my sanctuary. Although the comment itself was not abusive, like previous comments, it was designed purely to shit stir.
I knew that I would probably be on the receiving end of abuse now that I have made my feelings known. I was right but I deleted the messages unread and blocked the people. One soon learns to scan for key words and delete!
I am astonished that people who have a desire to become healers behave like this! They are sorely in need of healing themselves.I do not mean this in any way negatively. I truly do understand the pain these people are in and understand it is this pain that makes them to lash out. But I also know that the pain they are in is very long-standing and has very little to do with the present day. It is this long-standing pain and suffering that needs to be addressed.I know from my own life experience how painful and difficult this can be.I also know that one must recognise the need for change and healing within before any change or healing can come. Whilst one is still blaming everybody else for one’s behaviour this is not possible.
I have shown where my heart lies. These people have seen me work often enough, though I think it all fell on deaf ears. They have also experienced my kindness and friendship toward them. They have decided that none of that matters because I have called them on their disgraceful behaviour so they have now added me to the list of people to blame for their lives.
Pain and humiliation begets pain and humiliation. The only way to counteract this is through love. That is what these people are looking for. This is not the way to receive it. The worst aspect of abuse is that it becomes unrecognisable and abuse becomes love and lack of abuse becomes frightening and incomprehensible to those who only know abuse.
I hope that the people involved in this negativity regarding Littleport Sanctuary will come to a point where instead of dishing out hatred they can come to love and acceptance. If they can truly see the possibility that they are worthy of this love and acceptance their healing will have begun.
Edna and her puppies are doing really well. Whitney is fascinated by them and disturbs Edna by hanging head over the edge to stare at the puppies!
I have been doing a fair bit of dying and I have been trying out new techniques, one of which I call Flash Dyeing. This is what I got:
Yesterday a person inadvertently sent an e-mail with reactionary content to one of my knitting lists. This one advocates the spanking of children. I am not alone in considering this is an appalling abuse of children. I wrote to the list and I said that I did not want to see such things on my knitting lists especially emails that encourage child abuse.
This is my opinion and I am entitled to it. I am not alone and this is why it the spanking and hitting of children is illegal in several countries. However, this does not entitle anyone to send me vile e-mails like the one I received this morning. The dark soul who sent it chose abusive words to defend her right to abuse her children. I am not surprised that she chose abusive words to defend her position.
What always surprises me is how dark a soul can become without the said soul noticing the light fading.
Yesterday I went for my swim and I also went for a walk. However, the walk was too much and I only just made it home. I ate my breakfast and soon after I went back to bed because I was in a great deal of pain despite having taken my medication. It turned out to be a really bad day pain wise and I was woken from my nap by the pain. I lay there for half an hour and then realised I just had to go and get the morphine. Once I had I was able to function again and then I enjoyed myself playing around, the results of which you can see above.
xoxo
It has been a hectic few days.
Edna had her puppies yesterday. I had been sitting with her since Sunday morning when it became clear that she was in the early stages of labour. I took her to the vet yesterday morning because I was concerned that despite her pushing for just over an hour nothing have appeared and nothing looked like it was going to. To cut a long story short the poor thing had four oversized puppies. thanks to the expertise of the vet nurse Lauren and the vet Cere, she did not need a Caesarean section. Between them they were able to manipulate the puppies out. Each was 10 ounces. We have two black boys and one brindle boy. The fourth puppy was a black girl but she just took far too long after the birth of the first three and she did not make it. Edna and her three sons are doing very well and you would never know that she had had such an ordeal. I wonder how on earth those puppies got so big especially as for the last two weeks of her pregnancy she didn’t eat much.
I had entered Whitney for a show that I really wanted to go to. Unfortunately, this show fell at the same time Edna’s puppies were due. However, Wendy Cain came to the rescue by offering to show Whitney for me. I was very surprised that anyone would put themselves out to do this and I accepted. Wendy showed her really well and Whitney one her 10th CC and went on to win Best In Show.
Whitney and I have received many congratulations for her win but strangely not from close friends. I find people very strange.
They say you find out who your real friends are when life is very difficult. I would say you also find out who your friends are when you are very successful!
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