No matter how I try and prepare myself each year I always end up feeling down at this time. It is my birthday on Thursday and the end of the following week Christmas.
Neither fills me with cheer. I know my life is very different now to what it was and I am very grateful for that. Yet, I fail to not be overwhelmed by bad memories and feelings of loss at this time.
There is little else I can say apart from role on the New Year! I am the world can get back to normal. I will no longer have the fact that I don’t have a family and never had a loving one rubbed in my face.
Yes, I have the man that I love the last 30 years, I have my dogs, I have a good life. None of which obliterates the past and maybe I should stop thinking it will.
4 comments:
Feeling the same way at this second.
My life too, is different NOW, but sometime I feel it all come back like yesterday.
It sucks.
I hear you Colin. I too am dreading Christmas this year, the first one without my husband. However I have got my daughter, and we currently have somewhere to live and will have each other over these holidays. So on balance I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have decided that if I feel overcome with fear, anxiety or just simply missing him, I am going to acknowledge and embrace the feeling, so it will pass. I have noticed in myself that the more I try to push the feelings to the back of my mind the longer those feelings hang around. I guess the saying "what you resist persists" is true after all. Beverley xx
I take st john's wort to banish the blues, and we plan trips etc - saw the Spamalot musical on Monday, visited the german markets in Brum and have meals planned with various friends this week. I don't hate xmas, but I hate how the shops go mad for a few weeks (when they're only shut 2 days, if that!).
Colin,
First, Happy Birthday! Hope you and John enjoy the day. Second, Christmas is a sad time for many people for many reasons. My father died this year and I have been grieving since May. I have decided to "choose" how I will feel during this holiday. In private I will be quiet, sad, and hope the holiday passes quickly. In public, I will smile, be friendly, and consider the feelings of my relatives who also miss my father. Life and how we react is a choice.
I understand how you expect your current "good life" to erase your painful past. Unfortunately, the past is like a ghost which haunts us if we let it. The answer is to "focus"; put your eyes and mind on the things you love and enjoy. When your mind slips back to the past, tell yourself " I will not spend my time or energy in the past". Focus your thoughts and your feelings will improve.
Rob
P.S. You do have a family; John, your dogs (children), and the many friends you have on the internet.
I wish I had a man to share my birthday with! Can I borrow John for a few hours? Best wishes to you!
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