SMALL AND FLOPPY

I get many e-mails from young women wishing to become my special friend.  Mostly these are East European women for some reason.

Clearly these women do not read and know nothing about me.  No matter how pretty and East European she may be, she is pretty much of no use to me unless she really likes to clean.

I also get many e-mails promising me that my penis can stay hard for a week and that will make it grow another couple of inches.  It does make one wonder why the young East European women have bothered to write to somebody with a floppy, and a small floppy at that!

I also get e-mails offering me cheap antidepressants and anxiety medication, probably targeted at me to help me cope with my small and floppy penis.

I also get e-mails offering me cheap painkillers.  This is at least thoughtful because if I have taken the pills that will cause me to have a hard on for a week and grow another 2 inches I am going to need painkillers.  I am quite certain they are not offering the painkillers because they know about my particular problems with my bones and muscles. I think there is only one boner and muscle that they care about.

And then of course there are the e-mails that start Dear Beloved In Christ and continue “I am writing this letter in an attempt to screw you.” If I really thought that helping some illiterate Christian to obtain 500,000 million pounds from their bank account in Outer Mongolia and was also assured that they were indeed dying, I would throw away my walking sticks and run to their side.

And then there are the announcements from the European lottery fund telling me that I have one trillion dollars to collect as my winnings for a lottery that I did not enter.Of course, I may have entered but you know how forgetful I am.  However these kind people are quite prepared to give me 1 trillion just on the strength of my e-mail address.To make it easy for me they even give me a telephone number to call in order to claim my winnings.  The phone call would probably cost $1 trillion.

What are you doing Ada? Get off!

Then of course are the e-mails that I truly do enjoy.  I get many e-mails from people who say they love me.  They write to me because they want to save me from Hell.  They love me so much they want to point out how evil I am and that if I do not mend my ways I shall burn in Hell forever because that is the punishment that God’s unconditional love prescribes for people such as myself. These people are more stupid and more blind than the Dear Beloved In Christ authors. Quite unable to see the evil and  illogicality in their delightful prose.  I am however grateful to these people for writing to me because they stop me becoming complacent and thinking that such evil has receded. One thing that has always puzzled me about burning in Hell for eternity: WTF is going to burn? My body will have become worm food or air particles and even if it has not, there is no way that it could burn forever.  If my body can burn forever, then surely the fuel freaks would have harvested most of us by now in order to run their Hummers on the cheap.

It is with great sadness that I write that of the thousand or so e-mails I receive a day not one of them is from Daniel Craig.  No. You would think that I mention him often enough for it to a filtered through to him.  Blimey, I have even named my two electric wheelchairs after him.  Well, it’s a bit late to write to me now Daniel. I am well and truly miffed. Besides, it is far too late, I am already taken. You had your chance. You blew it. Or not as the case may be.

How about this for a laugh: a brother who was a rabid and abusive Jehovah’s Witness has now become a psychic who specialises in family healing.  He is so good at this that he charges a very hefty fee and will tell you quite freely that I am quite evil.(To be fair he probably doesn’t mention me at all the rest it should sully his reputation.)  Unfortunately people fall for his crap and he is paid for his “services”.  The lengths people will go to to avoid the truth.  I have to say that I tried initially to think that he was sincere and was merely deluded.  I now think he knows precisely what he is doing.  Don’t get me wrong, he does not have the power to hurt me any more and I don’t wish him in my life but really how can one preach about forgiveness and family healing when one has such hatred toward a brother? I understand that he must continue to believe I am evil because whilst he does so it keeps his own lie, that we had good and loving parents and that he did not contribute to my abuse by 1.  Denying the abuse took place even when I got locked up in a mental hospital and 2.  By continually telling me that I was possessed by Demons.  The funny thing about this last one was that he got through to me and one night I burst through the doors of the Kingdom Hall begging to be released from my Demons.  Oh,  the embarrassment on his face and the look of sheer terror on the faces of everybody else.  And needless to say there was no  trying to deliver me from the Demons.  Suddenly, my Demons turned out to be nothing else but “he is a nutter”!  I might add, in case it needs saying, that the only reason I succumbed in such a dramatic way was because indeed I was extremely stressed and frightened because of all that was going on and how my reality was constantly being denied, and also because I was on medication that was making me hallucinate.  Needless to say my hallucinations were of devils and fire.  Coincidentally, the sort of things that my brother had been telling me I was possessed by!

Anyway back to more amusing things.

On some of the discussion boards that there is quite often heated discussion about whether or not homosexual people are human and whether or not we ought to be allowed to live.  Many of those who think we are subhuman call themselves Christians.  The most common thing about these writers is that they are clearly uneducated.  They cannot spell, they do not have the words to express themselves  and write the most stupid things. No wonder Christians are so into homeschooling and want to keep real education out of schools.  It is the only way to keep these morons moronic.

Quite why this is come into my mind I do not know but I remember very clearly a situation that arose during mass when my brother and I were but boys.  We were kneeling at the altar as the priest was moving along the row and one by one placing the Eucharist on our tongues.  As he reached my brother, my brother farted.  I am laughing like a child right now relating this! It was hilarious and even more hilarious because we had to try really hard not to laugh.  It does me in just thinking about it.  Very funny.  If you if you could see my face!

Okay I guess that’s it I’ve rambled long enough today. I have just realised that my physical pain is very much less this morning.  It goes like that.  There is no rhyme nor reason to why it was so bad yesterday.  It just was and this morning it’s not. One just has to go with the flow.