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I went to the doctor this afternoon becasue I found a lump on my right testicle. I will be having a scan on it next week
I have been feeling frozen since and can't seem to get warm.
Anonymous wrote:
Accepting the fact that abuse in your childhood is not your fault is challenging enough by itself. How does one deal with dreams of the abusers that continue to resurface year after year? If I could find some resolution to this I will have succeeded in my life overcome the abuse.
In my experience such dreams will never go away. In the five years I spent in therapy, I learned that I would not be cured but that i would learn to live with my past and live well. I was also told that the bad periods and bad dreams would become less intense and less frequent. I have found that to be the case.
I still get nightmares/terrors. Not so often and not so brutal. I do find they can be triggered by something I see or hear or by just seeing someone that reminds me or by being teated in a similar fashion. Hence my reactions to events today can be overblown because it triggers the past.
I have days, not so frequent, when I feel vulnerable, afraid and sad. On those days, I have little interaction with others. Not because I wish to hide but because I need to take care of myself and also because being in that space can cause my thinking and reactions to be shaky. Everybody can become the enemy. I have especially learned, mostly, to keep email responses to the minimum!!!
And in response to the person who wrote that accpeting the abuse was not their fault made them feel helpless.
YES!!! Which is why many of us carry the blame. As long as we blame ourselves we can believe that we had power and if only we had been different or done somthing different the abuse would not have happened. Of course, this is a necessary defence mechanism for the child. As children we cannot cope with the knowledge that we are powerless. As adults, such thinking harms us greatly. The realisation of our powerlessness is of such enormity that the grief it produces is almost overpowering.
To recap, this is made from 100% Alpaca, Drops by Garnstudio.
I used 4mm needles for the body with the yarn doubled. I used 3mm needles for the 4x4 ribbing. I used ADDI turbo circulars. The garment weighs 980 grams or 2lb 3 oz's.
The design is my own. Very simple. I knit the body up to the colour change in the round. The sleeves were also knit in the round using the Magic Loop method. I picked up along armhole and knit down.
I knit the cuffs separately as I cannot abide cast off edges. I used my own way of doing a three needle cast off. I have two needles side by side, right sides of garment facing each other. I then use a 3rd thinner needle to take off one stitch from each needle onto the 3rd needle. I then slip one st over the other. Once this is done, I use a much larger needle (6mm) to cast off in the usual way. I do shoulders in the same way. In fact, I use this any time I need to join, like on arm bands or cardigan front bands.
This sweater was one of the easiest to knit and one of my favourites. I 'made it up' as I went along. I had cast on and started to knit it in the round, with no idea where I would be going with it. I am pleased with the direction it took. The tension was 22sts and 37 rows to 10cm.
It seems to me that, in general, people do not get what abuse does to a child.
Not only that, they don't realise that the damage is permanent.
When a child is abused, his or her sense of innocence is gone for good.
When a child is abused, his or her sense of security is gone for good.
When a child is abused, his or her childhood is gone for good.
When a child is not loved their sense of wholeness is gone for good.
It is not something that can be altered, changed, or lessened.
No.
The effects can be lived with and lived with well.
The hole remains.Added:And hopefully sometime in your life, you accept what happened, and recognize you were a child and not in control. It was not your fault, but the fault of the abuser(s).
Oh the years I've missed in not learning that. May my remaining ones be better for the learning.
I agree completely with the person who wrote this in the comments section.
My point is that no matter what the work done on oneself, no matter how one understands that abuse is never the victims fault, some things cannot be undone.
Put in another way: say someone chops off your leg.
You can come to terms with it.
You can learn to live very well with just one leg.
You can even get a prosthetic leg.
You can forgive the chopper.
You can fully understand that the chopping off of your leg was not your fault.
However, you are still minus a leg!
And you will never, ever, not ever, be the person you might have been with two legs.
I did something odd today.
It is Mother's Day and I bought flowers for my mum. They are on the bay window sill in a nice new glass vase.
My mum died April 10th 2004 and I hadn't seen her for many years. She wasn't a good mum. I never bought her flowers whilst she was alive. I didn't even know where she was for 10 years. I didn't know she had died until July 05 . I found out one night whilst surfing the net.
Place your choice of meat in the slow cooker. Beef brisket is good.
In a fry pan place 30 mls (2 table spoons) of oil, Olive is good. Heat on low. Add to this the following:
1tsp ground corriander
1tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground tumeric
.5 tsp ground nutmeg
.5 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tblesp of fresh ginger or one tsp of ground.
2 tble spoon of fine chopped garlic
4 whole cardoman seeds and 4 whole cloves.
Put in fresh red or green chillies according to taste.
Let this fry gently till well mixed up.
Now back to the meat in the slow cooker. Put in veggies, celery, green peppers, courgette(zucchini), leeks, onions and I would use some frozen mixxed veggies, the small kind, that mixes peas and sweetcorn and carrot.
Cover with half a cup red wine and water. Now put in the stuff from the frying pan. Add a couple of bay leaves. Also add about half a pint of sieved tomatoes. Salt to taste.
Stir up and leave to cook all day or overnight.
What I do is make a few dishes this way, and I place them in those plastic boxes that are airtight, and freeze them. I get about 7 meals from each cooking.
Take one whole chicken. Stick it in a slow cooker(6.5 litre one i.e. large). Chuck in celery, onions, leeks, loads of garlic, a handful of herbs, courgettes(zuchini), and a couple of green peppers. A cup full of red wine. A little sea salt and some black pepper. Cover with water and leave to cook for many hours(at least 6hrs).
You can do this in a large saucepan or a pressure cooker. You will then have to watch it! In the pressure cooker you will need to let it cook for 2hrs and you will need to top up the water. In a suacepan you will need to simmer for about 6 hours and you will have to top up with water.
This will serve 7 meals. It is cheap too.
Slow cookers and much more convenient and also energy saving, both for you and fuel.
Are you a fat git? Do you struggle constantly with food?
I did for many many years too. I read all sorts of stuff about how to eat normally and remain healthy. I took all sorts of medical advice. None of it helped. In fact, much of it was ignorant clap trap.
This is how I deal with it now and what I found out. I do not intend to get into discussion about it. If it helps you fine, if it makes you angry, deal with it. This works for me.
Until i was 30, I kept slim by starving and binging. I'd go as long as possible without eating(maybe 3 days) and then I would gorge. Then I'd starve again.
Why? Because I knew that if I ate, I would not be able to stop until I had eaten far too much food. I knew once I started to eat, I would eat until I was sick. if I had a slice of bread, I knew I would eat the whole loaf. One biscuit, and the packet would be gone.
What i didn't know was this: it was the eating of carbs that caused this. I didn't know that I didn't eat carbs in the first place, such cravings would disappear. It does NOT matter for my body whether the carbs are refined or not, the effect is the same.
I discovered this because I complained that I always felt tired, hungry, and bloated. I complained that when I ate, I wanted more and then I fell asleep. Even if I had eaten a normal portion of food, if it contained carbs, I would fall asleep. I was very moody. I would get the 'shakes'. I also had constant diarrhoea and acid reflux.
Thru email, it suggested to me to try the Atkins diet. My doctor recommend it when i spoke with her. It seems my surgery's doctors all recommended it.
I DO NOT follow the Atkins diet but I did at first and discovered a way to eat that suits me.
Firstly, I followed the Atkins diet. Even though I felt absolutely awful the first week, I kept at it because I knew there was no other way for me. I could not continue the way I was before.
After a week, I awoke feeling the best i had ever felt. John, who did not know what I was doing, noticed I looked really well and my complexion had changed. He said I was 'glowing'.
The tiredness, the bloat, the diarrhoea, the acid all stopped. This I did not expect. By the way, I had been a vegetarian for over 20 years so this was a big step for me.
After a while, I had lost 100lbs in weight. I felt much better in every way. I also dropped the Atkins diet in it's pure form. Oh and I dropped from 8.8 to 4.7 in my cholesterol count. Which is from 325 to 174 for the USA.
AND THE CONSTANT HUNGER WENT AWAY.
I eat loads of veggies. At least 1lb a day.(no potato, corn, parsnip, etc) I eat any meat and fish. I do not eat much fat. I eat a little dairy.
It is the protein that keeps one satisfied, not the fat.
Of course, I sometime find my self wanting to eat the foods I know will make me ill. And I have slipped and eaten them and payed the price.
Most importantly, I quit making excuses and feeling resentful that I could not eat those foods I like and that others seem to eat and have no problems with.
From experience I know that many people will not follow this eating pattern. They will make excuses. They will balk at the idea of not eating bread or cake or rice or pasta. I have heard all the excuses. I know the excuses well cos I made them myself! These excuses just mean that for the sake of eating some pasta or bread, we'd be happy to die or live miserably!
Eating this way is not boring! Not at all. It doesn't mean plain food. The food is good, nutritious and appetizing and very tasty. It is up to you. And it is NOT expensive, in fact it is cheaper.
Bear in mind that man used to eat like this as a matter or normalcy! Those people who declare that we must eat carbs are talking rubbish.
This is not a carb free eating plan anyway, just a low carb one. There are carbs in veggies.
Do you like chocolate? So do I. And I eat it every so often. I eat 75% to 85% dark choc. It is low carb. It satisfies with just one or two squares. However, it is high fat so I don't have it often. Before I cleared my system of sweet stuff, I could not face eating this chocolate. Now I couldn't eat the normal kind-far too sweet.
So for the many people who have a problem with weight this may be the way for you. It is the only way for me. It requires desire, honesty,determination and a willingness to accept that we can't eat the way we want to without suffering. It also means we have to deal with our emotions in a way that doesn't involve eating!
I will publish recipes here from time to time.
The sun is shining so I won't need to sit for 30 mins in front of my 10,000 lux light today. I soon won't need to use it all. If any one out there also suffers due to lack of light, I thoroughly recommend you get one. It consists of a box with 4 strip lights in giving out a total of 10,000 lux light. Nothing less will do. One day light bulb will not do! Since I started to use mine, I have not had the awful black depressions and lack of motivation that winter brings on. It really works and for me it worked from the first day.
Luna and Micah got it together 4 weeks ago and she is now 4 weeks pregnant. Micah is such a good boy. Luna is taller than he so he needed my help in the form of two throws folded so that he could stand on top of them. This way he was able to reach. After the first time, he came up to me and 'asked' for the throws!
Moon has been on honeymoon for a whole month! Normally, the 10-12th day of a season is the mating day. Not with her. She didn't mate until the 28th day! Thankfully she went to a good friend so it has not been a hassle. She just stayed there until she was ready. I will collect her on Saturday.
Micah attended his first show, a breed club open show and he won 2nd in his Junior class. I was very pleased with that. The dog placed first is a good dog.
I am in the process of knitting a variation of the sweater I posted last week.
I managed to get John to the doctor on Monday. I insisted. It was not good news. It seems he has a serious lung condition, though not a tumour as I feared. Why do some people hate dr's and leave things till they are really sick? He couldn't breath 150 in the breathing tube he had to breathe into.
My own thoughts and feelings have been all over the place this last month. Feeling nothing, then feeling happy, then feeling like I want to cry all the time. And I have started having night terrors again. Although I hate them more when I am on my own, it is better cos then I don't wake John up! He has learned over the years to wake me from a distance and not to touch me until I am fully awake again.
Shameless is growing up nicely. She is so intelligent and well behaved but still with loads of 'look at me' character.
I have almost completed the body and neck of my hand knit Alpaca sweater, just finishing the left side of neck and it will be done. Then on to the sleeves. I have stuck to hand knitting just one sweater at a time, leaving my Aran alone until this is complete. I find it easier as it doesn't seem to take so long to complete one sweater!
I don't normally care for these emails that are supposedly full of meaningful stuff. However, this one is good:One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Yes, I know it has been a while since I wrote on my blog. Things have been tough recently, More pain and fatigue than usual. This time especially in my hands. I allowed this to get me depressed, as I prejected like a crazy person , envisioning me not able to knit or groom my dogs and before long I was imagining being unable to move, being bedridden and thinking of ways I could end my pathettic bed ridden life! It doesn't do to let your inamgination free! I am sure this wasn't helped by John being in the USA and me running into that evil bitch I told you about last September. How I didn't pick up my sticks and beat her silly with them I don't know, but I didn't. I walked away(or hobbled away) with dignity. At least she had the good grace to keep her eyes on the floor, unable to look at me. So that brought on some obessive anger for a few days. Somewhere or other I recall reading that when one is confronted by such anger, the best thing to do was to pray that the object of your anger to receive all you wish to receive. I balked at the idea but realised it was me that suffered from the rage I felt so I prayed that she find peace. It works. Not perfectly but it does. Whenever I think of her, I just 'bless' her. And sometimes I manage to think that before I think of running her down.... 
I used 3 different colours of a 2/15 merino, cashmere, silk mix(50%, 25% and 25%). Knittied on tension 4* on the SR 830 fine gauge. 36sts and 68 rows to 10cm(4ins). I sewed the sleeves onto the body instead of joining on the machine. It was much easier! I'll leave you to guess which type of stich pattern I used.
1x1 rib neckband, joined on machine and then folded to inside and sewn down.
This is a close up of the pattern I used. My own creation, very simple.
It is Friday and John ought to be home tonight. Instead he is flying off to Portland, Oregon in the USA on business. Don't mind about that but that it does p**s me off that he gets sent at a moments notice. Plus I look forward to seeing him at the weekends and now won't until the 23rd.
Now, how about this for a piece of underhanded immoral company behaviour. I have a credit card, initially an Abbey National card. It is now an MBNA card cos Abbey sold it to them. My interest rate went up by about 4 % str8 away. Not such a big deal. we had that card with a large balance on it and we did not use the card apart from to pay off the balance. Without telling me, they put up the interest rate by a whopping 15% to 28%!!!!! B**tards! All I got told when I complained was 'tough'. Well, have already paid half of the balance off this week and the rest will be paid off very soon. And that will be that. MBNA can go to hell.
It seems to me that by putting the interest up by so much, they were hoping I would not be able to get the balance down and thus be trapped and they would continue to be able to rip me off.
Today I am going to have to pick up dog doo from the garden. This means I will not be doing anything else today apart from watch tv. It is the job John and I would normally do together at weekends, with him doing most of the heavy work. I can't leave it another week, especially because next Saturday I have to go and pick up Moon, a 400 plus mile round trip, which means I will be fit for nothing on the Sunday. The weather has been either very wet or frozen with snow so there is more dog doo to pick up than usual.
Last night, whilst watching ER, my dogs were all in front of the tv, chewing their bones and playing with each other. How lucky I am. Little Shameless goes around teasing the adults and they all put up with her or only lightly admonish her with a growl which sends her off to the corner for a few seconds till she is back looking to see what else she can do. Micah has now accepted that Luna does not want nooky anymore so he has taken to lying beside her and washing her ears. Very romantic. Tilly spent some time on my lap, licking my face. Nechung in her her place on her throne, John's armchair, surveying the others and keeping things in order. What would I do without my dogs? I know I would sink into boredom and self pity. My legs are particularly painful this week and without the dogs to look after I am sure I would succumb to the pain. Instead, I am able to pretty much ignore it and just get on. No matter what, I have to deal with the dogs, I have to feed them, walk them, groom and play with them. I don't need to be told by a scientist that people who keep pets benefit from better physical and mental health as a result.
This was knitted on the Silver Reed 830 fine gauge using the SL4 and DAK. I used 1 strand of each colour, a 2/15 weight 50% Merino, 25% Cashmere and 25% Silk yarn. The tension was 6 and the gauge was 39sts and 46 rws to 10cm. I used all 250 needles to get a width of 64cms(25.2ins).
Showing the neckline. I think I am going to fold over to inside and sew down.
Well I've been sick. SARS, Bird Flu, or just the common cold. Take your pick. So I have done **** all except sit around and watch dvd's and listen to music, mainly Restless(Janis Ian) over and over til the dogs dogs told me to 'give it a f*****g rest'.
My left side decided not work properly. First off my arm which became pretty useless. No sooner was I able to touch my self again, my left leg decided to go on strike. The dogs thought this was funny. 'oh look, poor thing, his legs buggered,he can't get us, so we can stay out....' I love them too.
Now I am back to normal, hobbling and joints that snap crackle and pop.
Whilst all this was going on, all 4 girls that can breed, decided they wanted to. So they all are in season. Yes, they synchronize their periods just like girls in college dorms(so I am told).
We had had fights and lesbian floor shows. If I had my movie camera handy, I'd have filmed it and made dvd's to sell to dirty old dogs and owners of reluctant stud dogs...
Poor Micah got very confused and just didn';t know which one to shag. The Dax of course is out but she is his favourite, probably cos she is a right slapper. She has been a nightmare, shoving her rump at anything that moves. His sister is out for obvious reasons. Turns out Frauke can't breed, persistant hymen, so she was out. But Luna, who wanted him and was allowed to, he ignored! What to do? Let Tilly the Dax be his fluffer and then whip her away and put Luna in her place. Worked well, once I gave him a helping hand.
On Saturday I have a 500 mile round trip to do to allow Moon to meet up with a black and white hunk. That is if the snow doesn't thow a spanner into the works.
I'll be glad when this period of lust is over. It is exhausting playing who what where as they can't all go out together and it isn't just a mtter of keeping him away, ahve to keep certian girls away from others cos they fight, especially Nechung the neutered one who thinks just cos she aint getting any, no one else should.,...And Shameless, the pup, thinks it is ahoot and loves to wind them up...
Bet you wish I'd stayed away, but hey, we can't have everything.
__________________
John who will be 60 on the 8th April. I caught him unaware as he hates having his picture taken. We had just got back from walking the dogs.
Micah
Micah
Micah
Shameless - Micah's daughter at 17 weeks.
Nechung - mother of Micah and Moon, 9years and 3 mths.
Luna.
Luna showing her 6.5 weeks pregnant tummy. Micah is the father of forthcoming littter.
Moon smiling for the camera. Moon might be pregnant as a the result of her Northern Honeymoon.
To recap, this is made from 100% Alpaca, Drops by Garnstudio.
I decided to knit the sleeves from the top down, using the Magic Loop method, i.e. one long circular needle. Simple to do. I also knit the body up to the armhole in the round. My tension does not alter whether I knit flat or round. However, in this instance it would not have mattered as the pattern would have been the same-1 row knit and 1 row knit 4 purl 4.
Yes I am back from my honeymoon. A whole month away. And I shagged for a whole week too, the last week. Now I have this wonderful new 'Britney' hair do. What you think?
I had a bath this morning. I then went and dug around in a garden pot. Great fun. And you wonder why I am named Shameless!
Not complete and will have drop sleeves. The yarn is Drops Alpaca,by Garnstudio, used double and knitted on 4mm needles. Feels wonderful and is heavy but not overly so. I did this because I bought 3 kgs of the yarn in 3 cols and decided I really did not like it knit singly, unless I knit on 2mm needles! Hence the two colours used on this sweater.
I only decided on this collar as I got near to front neck shaping. I made it up as I went along, but knew what I had in mind. I am quite happy with this. I used 3.25 mm for the 4x4 rib, as I did with the hem.
I was rather surprised this came at as a picture at all. I couldn't see thru the viewfinder! It shows the beginning of the lunar eclipse experienced a few nights ago, maybe a whole week ago...
I used 3 different colours of a 2/15 merino, cashmere, silk mix(50%, 25% and 25%). Knittied on tension 4* on the SR 830 fine gauge. 36sts and 68 rows to 10cm(4ins). I sewed the sleeves onto the body instead of joining on the machine. It was much easier! I'll leave you to guess which type of stich pattern I used.
1x1 rib neckband, joined on machine and then folded to inside and sewn down.
This is a close up of the pattern I used. My own creation, very simple.
This was knitted on the Silver Reed 830 fine gauge using the SL4 and DAK. I used 1 strand of each colour, a 2/15 weight 50% Merino, 25% Cashmere and 25% Silk yarn. The tension was 6 and the gauge was 39sts and 46 rws to 10cm. I used all 250 needles to get a width of 64cms(25.2ins).
Showing the neckline. I think I am going to fold over to inside and sew down.
