Friday, August 10, 2007


John is away. He has had to go up north to sort out family stuff after 3 deaths.

I find it rather odd. Since his dad died 30 years ago, John is head of his clan. Meaning sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles etc all turn him, the 'boss'.

Weird, yes?

Weirder still is when he calls me and I feel like I am talking to a complete stranger because my BBC English speaking John has become a Geordie speaker and sounds nothing like my John.

For you Americans and Canadians, this is like your Northern state TV newsreader, Peter Jennings for example, suddenly turning round and speaking Southern Hillbilly.

When he is away, meaning not here at weekends, it really does send it home to me how I might be quite stuffed on my own. I can't go and do a proper shop. So I have to make do with the odd bits I can get in the supermarket till he gets back next weekend.

I rarely let thoughts of the future impinge on me but every so often it does enter my mind that maybe he will get too old and infirm to help me or that I will get so much worse, it is progressive, that he wouldn't be able to anyway.

I would seriously rather die than a. be separated or b. end up in a nursing home, even if it was together. John feels the same.

I'd rather go out with a bang than a whimper.

But I don't think about it and live each day as it comes. It is the only way to live for anyone really. It is certainly the only way to live with a disease that causes 24/7 pain. You learn to really appreciate the less pain days and the bad pain days pass eventually.

And for now I'd rather hurt and still be living a good life, which I do, I don't let it stop me. The day it stops me is the day I get off the bus. Before the medicos and the law take my choices away.


junie said...

Dear Colin,

your post is so poignant that it brings tears to my eyes.

About the socks. They are lovely. I wonder, is that the new Fassett sock yarn?
Hoping for a better tomorrow for you...

Anonymous said...

Your post is a bit thought provoking. It is odd how different people are at a distance, isn't it? Colin, although you are ill, you have more life in your than most 30 year olds I know. However, I agree with you - I'm going out with a bang, not a whimper.

Jill Schaefer said...

I am sorry John is away.

Artis-Anne said...

I so understand what you are saying . But WHY is it always a battle to get decent pain medication in this country ? I had another battle with my GP again this week to up my dose; do I care that I can get addicted to morphine ? NO !! All I want is less pain & mobility.
I also fear the 'nursing home'image and would rather go out with a bang.
What would we do without our other loving half ? Hope he returns soon :)

Hilde C. said...

Thinking of the future scares me too, it took some time to learn not to do it. Life is better anyway when one is able to be actually present in the present, bad days or not. Makes life more intens I think :-)
Beautiful socks by the way :-)

BB said...

Hi Colin,
I hope John gets back soon. I'm the same when Frank is away And your post also puts my whinges about self inflicted hangovers and muscle aches and pains from Rugby into perspective. I wish you more pain free days or as near pain free as you can get.

RecycleMicol said...

Too funny! My sister moved from Texas to Tennessee and within a few weeks had a completely new drawl! I thought we sounded southern before, but then my husband's family is from Kentucky! Whew! I sound like a Yankee compared to them! (not a put-down...they're 'salt of the earth' folks!)

I wish all of us a dignified exit from this life when the time comes. I worked for a Hospice for several years. They really do so much to help ease the pain and comfort people in the process of the thing that so many of us fear...the inevitable unknown.

Nice socks!!! Love the heel.