Wednesday, March 08, 2006

No Secrets

Some people say you are only as 'sick as your secrets' and perhaps that is true.

However, one needs to be wise in telling your secrets. It is also not neccesary to a) tell everyone and b) to tell all to the same person!

There is only one person who knows ALL of my secrets and that was the therapist who saved my life.

My partner knows some of them. He will never know the details of the abuse. I would not ever burden him with that. He doesn't need to know and to know would hurt him in a way that will not be repairable. It is enough that he knows the generalities.

As for telling anyone else, no. I used to be open about it years ago. When I wasn't well still and knew nothing of boundaries. I didn't know then that people use such information to hurt you.
Even now, people I had considered good people and close to me have used what they know about me against me. Some never see you as a whole person. A person who has vaild feelings and opinions. If they disagree with me, they always use my past as justification for dismissing my feelings or my opinion, because my past makes it not possible for me to 'think clearly'! Funny how similar that is to the techniques abusers use and cults use.

And people wonder why one has to build strong defences in order to survive! It is absolutely necessary. I only let in those I want to let in and I am lucky in that I have good people in my life who love me, respect me, and see me as whole, not some damaged freak.

Funny, in the past I would have been whatever you wanted me to be in order for me to be liked or feel safe. You didn't have to do anything. Now it is YOU who has to prove yourself. i don't trust easily and I have no time at all for games or being polite. I don't waste my time on ignorant or stupid or self centred people. Life is too short to waste it. I will not hurt others or be rude but I won't put up with crap either! Gone are the days I would lsiten politely and attentively to idiots or those who just moaned and moaned byut never did anything to change their lot. Let them leach of somone else or better still, fix themselves!

I have all the time in the world for those people who are not afraid to look inwards and have the courage to change. The rest can f**k off and leave me alone.


FuguesStateKnits said...

Hey Colin! Just checking in:)
I read your most recent entry and it reminded me of a conference I attended last October - for lawyers representing kids, lawyers representing parents, judges and masters, and what we in the states call "department of social services" or "department of family services" Don't know what the term would be on your side of the pond. I had participated in the making of a video doing a hearing on permanency planning and was part of a panel discussion and presentation to our colleagues. One part of the mock hearing had me telling the court that I objected to the introduction of the child (my client's) therapist's statements. I remember telling the crowd how discouraging it is that so many kids who leave care don't want to to to therapy and it's no wonder because some of them never know the privacy of a TRUE therapeutic relationship!! I got a round of applause for that comment. So, hopefully while still sad, it encourages you. Kids need to be safe and to feel safe to tell their secrets. That's my goal in life, buddy.
Hugs to you,

Anonymous said...

This is what I like to hear Colin, you talking out of your arse again!
Blah,blah, blah - poor you, lets wear it all on our sleeve like some kind of medal because the world is soo cruel to you and you alone.
Hey, I FEEL your pain (to coin a catchphrase - now who says that all the time to negative comments??) - but you've got no secrets, you stupid man, you've told everyone on here time and again.
Keep it up though, as you have a following who read your blog and piss themselves laughing to each other by email.
Its a cruel world, it must be, because people like you really exist!

Anonymous said...

Ah-ha - the little man wants some blog sympathy from his faghags - well you go right ahead, if it makes you feel good - and obviously, this is the only thing that does that for you. Guess the old knitlists have gone a bit quiet for you of late with no-one to flame - lets see you start a battle all by yourself !
Poor, poor colin - yackity, yackity yack!
Bet you don't post this comment, yellowbelly!

Unknown said...

Lyndsey - whatever need you are trying to fulfill, will not be satisfied by writing this nonsense.
Of course you will continue, but might I suggest that your bitterness will be better served by facing it head on instead of acting out in this fashion.
You don't understand human nature or you'd realise this has no effect onme but it does have a negative affect on you. You would benefit from facing yourself rather than attacking others.

Anonymous said...

There's a lot to be said for the old saying "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing". Pathetic's comments speak volumes about Pathetic, none of them particularly flattering...

Anonymous said...

There's a lot to be said for the old saying "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing." Pathetic's comments tell us a lot about Pathetic, none of it terribly flattering...

Anonymous said...

I must admit I am shocked that someone could be so venomous, far better to do as Steve suggests and if you can't say anything nice say nothing.

Anonymous said...

I've always found that it's those who have little to complain about who do it most often.

~Sharon J

StickLena =KnitLena said...

I share some of your experiences and might understand where you come from. I have been betrayed, abused and abandoned as adult. Death have taken babies/prematures/my dad/my granny from me and that too hurts a lot. Someone that is severely hurt young must be in more pain than adult ones. I have stopped to tell people about my complete situation,´cause they think I make it up! So foolish, what reason can there be to do that?! I have learned to go for a few reliable friendships. Real trust I seldom feel for anyone...Think I cannot stand more disappointment, have nothing left to handle such issues by....
But my knitting and my cat gives me relief and the internet contacts with other knitters too.

FuguesStateKnits said...

sticklena - so sorry to hear what you have been through! My thoughts and prayers are with you as you heal from your own pain. As for "pathetic's" comments, they are transparently sad.
colin - your blog probably has helped more people than you will ever know:)