How do They Sleep?

I had to appear before a panel consisting of a lawyer, a doctor and a woman whose job I have no idea about.

This is because I am now disabled and I applied for Motability which gives me a disabled badge for my car which enables me to park in disabled bays and also provides money toward travelling and free car tax. (The car is John's actually)

These people had my own doctors report, a neurologist report and a report from another consultant about my osteo arthritis of the spine(I don't know what he is called). On top of this, they had sent their own doctor to see me.

All of these professionals made it very clear that I have severe difficulty in walking, severe pain when ii do, and that I walk very slowly. Their own doctor gave a score of 3 from the hips down. 4 means one is paralysed.

This panel ignored it all and refused my application. They did however award me middle rate care which is awarded to people who cannot cook for themselves, bath themselves or dress themselves or get in and out of bed on their own!!!!!!!!

I am housebound without a car. I cannot shop for myself. I cannot get to public transport, and even if I could, it is too dangerous to use it. If I fall who will pick me up? Where would I go to anyway? I can't walk any distance without severe pain and although I force myself to, so that leg muscles don't waste, my legs soon stop working altogether thru weakness. I have recently had them give way under me 4 times in one day!

I have not felt this angry in a very long time. I don't know what to do with it. I cannot tell these people what it think. Government bureaucrats are cowards and they hide away, making decisions about other people's lives. Decisions that can make life very hard for the person they have power over. They were cowardly, they refused to tell me their decision there and then, but posted it to me a few hours later. I am sure they knew I would not keep quiet if they told me to my face.

I am astounded, as is my doctor and everyone that knows me, that these bastards did this to me.

Now I can appeal the appeal, which I am told can take years and their information on it, warns that I could lose all my benefits if I do!

I really really want to talk with these people, to their face, and tell them exactly what they have done and ask them how they can sleep at night when they care so little for the lives of others. Perhaps one day, one of them will come to understand what constant 24/7 pain is lie. What disability is like and how humiliating it is to put people through what they have put me through.

I find since then, I keep feeling like I am about to burst into tears and the I get hit by waves of rage. I am so frustrated. There is nothing I can do. I don't know what to do. Until recently, I have coped with my disabilities quite well and have been happy despite them and have learned to live with them and still do as I please, within reason. Now I feel quite desperate. My illness is not going to go away. The neuro made that clear. My spine won't heal itself and they can't heal it either.

If it were not for John, I'd be completely sunk and I only see him for 2 days a week anyway. If anything happened to him, my life would be over. That is a terrifying thought on all sorts of levels. It would be the worst thing that could happen even if I was well because I love him. Now I am dependant on him too. He does for me the things I can't do during the week. I have another friend who does what she can once a week for me.

I try not to think beyond today and am usually very successful. One day at a time has been my motto for many years. Since all this crap with Govt goons, it has been harder. I feel very afraid.(I think this may be why writing is a good idea - I didn't know I was afraid - I thought I was angry.)