The Whole Truth

So this damned wheelchair thing. I wasn't entirely truthful.

Yes, I hate it. I don't like not being in control. Not a bit. It's another piece of my independence gone.

So we used it for the first time on Saturday. We were in John Lewis. I had bought an expensive saute pan with lid and some locktite boxes for my coffee beans and the dogs' ground up pumpkin, sunflower and linseed.

The woman started to pack them and I asked her not to as the boxes would go in the bag atttached to the wheelchair and the pan could go on my lap. Well, John wasn't having that and snapped at me. I then threw a wobbly.

Get this! I jumped out my chair, grabbed my sticks whoich of course got caught and knocked stuff over. I did a Little Britain sketch basically.

God knows what the people around us thought to see me jump out of my wheelchair. Well, I was emabarrassed and very angry so i stormed off, hobbled off really. I did not look back. Twit that I am, I then realised it was a long way to the car. Did I wait for John? No of course not. I continued to hobble to the car. Took about 30 mins but I was fuming.

I realised later that I had behaved badly but it was John's fault of course! How dare he humiliate me like that!

On Sunday we went out again and this time I used the chair I can wheel with my hands. We only went to Asda so....

Anyway, this morning, I talk to my mentor who promptly informed me how badly I had behaved. Duh! And then went on to remind me how humility is good for one! And how gratitude for having someone to push me around would not go amiss. She is dead right of course.

However, I think this loss of independence and control is going to take a while to get used to. So talking with John aftwards we agreeed to carry on using the newchair that he has to push until I am used ot the idea so that when we go away to Prague and Munich, I will already have accepted it.

I also spoke with my firend Nicky, like most mornings, and she more or less said the same except she added the bit about Little Britain. Despite myself, I laughed at the images I recalled of my behaviour and later when I told John, he did too.

So yes, I will just have to get used to this new chair, learn to accept my position and the lack of control and be grateful that I have someone to push me around and that I can still go away etc and can still walk when I have to or the pain allows.

I still don't like it!