South Africa

John is going to Durban, South Africa on Tuesday until the 15th of April, lecturing. Last minute work trip.

I do not like the idea. One because SA is not a safe country. And also because he hasn't been away for so long since I have become disabled. This will be a challenge. Tho my friend Nicky has already said she will be here to help me when I need it. Mainly to do the shopping.

I only see John at weekends anyway. I am used to him being back Fri till Monday morning. The jobs I can't do get done then.

Most importantly, I just miss him when he isn't here.

Lilac Cashmere

This is the truest colour representation I could get. Knit on the SK830 with 2 x 2/28's Mongolian Cashmere. 38 sts and 58 rows to 10 cm. It is 52cm across and less 8 cm at bottom. Done entirely in st st. Washed and tumble dryed 3 times! It shrank no more after the second tumble. I had miscalculated and it was too long. Now it is the size I intended.
Front neck.
Sleeve FF shaping.
Diagonal shoulder line.
Back neck.
Sleeve cuff.

OCD

I have never done anything by halves. Sometimes my obsessions have been good, oft times not. I started with it when I was a child. It has only been recently that I have understood that for me OCD is a way to avoid pain. The stuff I did as a child was damaging to me tho. It started with food. And compulsively checking. And sex. The latter being fairly obvious in light of the abuse. Oh and I used to cut myself.

All of this got way out of hand. I ended up weighing only 6 1/2 stone(91 lbs) in 79, as a 21 year old.
I grew another 1.5 ins after the age of 24-probably due to my eating being much better.

I developed an obsession about the outside world and stopped going out. I would read all the time. And I was obsessional about listening to music. I never had music on for background noise. No. I used to really listen. I'd lay down or sit and do nothing but listen. It shut everything else out.

Later in life I discovered alcohol and drugs. These were a Godsend, so I thought. They let me shut off without exhausting me! I could stop all my OCD behaviour. And best of all, I would achieve what I wanted-numbness-oblivion.

However, this particular friend was a wolf in sheeps clothing and it turned on me. It stopped working. No matter how I tried, no matter what mix I used, it stopped working. And yet I couldn't stop doing it! Even tho I was physically sick, I still carried on. Desperate to stop feeling.

Fortunately for me, this resulted in my own pressure cooker, the one inside me, blowing-finally and the right person was there to help me. Once I was helped thru what I needed to go thru, work thru all that pain I had been unable to handle for all those years, Istopped using and stopped harming myself and stopped with the checking, washing etc.

It's been many years now without all that shit.

However, and this is the point I have been getting to, OCD can be of help! I have come to realise that my obsessional nature is helping me!

How?

Simply, when I am knitting, designing, thinking about doing it, or sewing up, I am away from my physical pain. The same with when I am delivering a litter of pups or bathing and grooming-which to me is like knitting-creating a finished product altho in this case it is just a clean well groomed living being-one of my dogs.

I came to realise this because I had noticed that when I go out I am very aware of the pain. Especially when I go to a meeting. I am sitting. I am doing nothing, I am unwinding. And the pain hits me.

So--there is always a silver lining to everything! My obsessional nature is helping me now deal with this physical pain.

Today, I have been very fatigued and no matter what I have done, can't shake it off. I couldn't nap, I tried. However, I have completed a sweater. Doing this helped me focus on something other than my body.

One of the reasons I have found my disability and physical pain so easy to accept is that it is far, far more preferable to the sort of pain I used to be in. Soul pain is appalling and much worse than this is.

Going thru the necessary to get to the other side is not easy, of course, and much worse than I could describe in words. However, it was very much worth it. I was lucky. I survived. And I was loved.

I know of too many others who didn't survive and I have a very clear memory of my own journey to ever get complacent. I'd rather die than ever go thru any of that again. Today life is good, so much more than I ever dreamed was possible. I didn't get what I wished for because it wouldn't have occurred to me to wish for my present life. I just wanted the pain to stop. It didn't enter my head there might be more to life than that.

ooo..er...Mrs

This is all SALLY'S fault. It is she who sent me the link! Below are the sock yarns I bought.
I ordered them Sunday night and they arrived today, Tuesday. Excellent service. Go here.

The Whole Truth

So this damned wheelchair thing. I wasn't entirely truthful.

Yes, I hate it. I don't like not being in control. Not a bit. It's another piece of my independence gone.

So we used it for the first time on Saturday. We were in John Lewis. I had bought an expensive saute pan with lid and some locktite boxes for my coffee beans and the dogs' ground up pumpkin, sunflower and linseed.

The woman started to pack them and I asked her not to as the boxes would go in the bag atttached to the wheelchair and the pan could go on my lap. Well, John wasn't having that and snapped at me. I then threw a wobbly.

Get this! I jumped out my chair, grabbed my sticks whoich of course got caught and knocked stuff over. I did a Little Britain sketch basically.

God knows what the people around us thought to see me jump out of my wheelchair. Well, I was emabarrassed and very angry so i stormed off, hobbled off really. I did not look back. Twit that I am, I then realised it was a long way to the car. Did I wait for John? No of course not. I continued to hobble to the car. Took about 30 mins but I was fuming.

I realised later that I had behaved badly but it was John's fault of course! How dare he humiliate me like that!

On Sunday we went out again and this time I used the chair I can wheel with my hands. We only went to Asda so....

Anyway, this morning, I talk to my mentor who promptly informed me how badly I had behaved. Duh! And then went on to remind me how humility is good for one! And how gratitude for having someone to push me around would not go amiss. She is dead right of course.

However, I think this loss of independence and control is going to take a while to get used to. So talking with John aftwards we agreeed to carry on using the newchair that he has to push until I am used ot the idea so that when we go away to Prague and Munich, I will already have accepted it.

I also spoke with my firend Nicky, like most mornings, and she more or less said the same except she added the bit about Little Britain. Despite myself, I laughed at the images I recalled of my behaviour and later when I told John, he did too.

So yes, I will just have to get used to this new chair, learn to accept my position and the lack of control and be grateful that I have someone to push me around and that I can still go away etc and can still walk when I have to or the pain allows.

I still don't like it!

This 'n ' That

I was feeling so pleased with myself, having almost finished my the second and final piece of the Aran sweater. There I was at 7am this morning, knitting away, thinking 'oh good, this is almost done,' when I noticed I had left a bloody great chunk of the pattern out! So...I had to frog it back to row 9 with now another 120 odd to go!

Tashi, so named by her new owner, has left us on her way to Cyprus where she will live with an RAF family until their return to the UK.

John and I bought a new wheelchair. I hate it! It is very good chair. It goes well and John finds it very easy to push with me in it. It has small fat wheels thus making it easy to go over bumpy terrain-like cobbled streets. Which is why we bought it. The one we have, is not so easy to maneuver, and is useless on anything other than the floors of shopping malls. So when we have been on our trips, I end up having to walk with my sticks and thus get very tired, get more pain and get more bad tempered.
So what is the problem with this new one? I have no control! I can't wheel it myself. I have no control over it whatsoever and I hate it! Something I am going to have to learn to deal with.

My Simply Knitting arrived this morning. I have not looked at it yet. I also get Knitting. Both of these are UK publications. I also get Knitters and Interweave Knits, both American publications. There is no comparison between the first two and the second two. The USA ones are superior. Ours look like amateur productions. Why? Why do we in the UK always have to put up with second rate goods and services? (mostly)

DRUGS. I have found a combination of drugs that works re the pain. It doesn't take it away altogether but it does lessen it a lot, enough to enable me to get on. This last couple of week sit has been particularly bad. Last Monday was especially bad with me being almost unable to get on my feet and move. Thus the drive to try something else. The best thing is this combo is not addictive nor will it lose it's effectiveness like the codeine does. Not only that, there are no side effects at all I can discern. Plus I can still have a bowel movement! Now that is a real find!
The drug is plain old Ibuprofen taken with 40mg Protium. Of course I do wonder if the Protium just masks the fact I may be bleeding to death from stomach.....

I was also prescribed Gabapentin which is for epilepsy and neuropathy. I am supposed to start off on 300mg and build up to 1200 over several days. NO WAY!
I have been on these sorts of drugs before, Tegratol, and I stopped. They make me feel completely flat, no ups or downs, just nothing. I'd rather have the physical pain than feel nothing.

Sally is a bad girl. She knows why. It all has to do with socks and links to sock sellers on the net. How could she? Isn't my stash huge enough as it is?

The temperatures here have gone from 5 to 15 c in just one day and has remained at about 12-18 for a few days. Wet and windy of course.

It is bath day today. For one of the dogs, not for me. I figured out if I do one a day, in the early morning, I can manage and it doesn't so much matter if afterwards I can't move anymore. At least I have done the most important jobs-taking care of the dogs. It really irks me that I cannot walk them like I used to. I do still do it, with John when he is here, and I feel better for doing so but it kills me physically.

Well enough prattling for today. I must get on with Nechung's bath.

Icecream Sock

This is my Icecream Sock. So called because it reminds me of Haagen Daz, which I miss! The yarn is selfpatterning from Sirdar. 70% wool 30% nylon.Weighs 34 grams.

I cast on long tail with 4mm. Knit 37 rows rib with 2.25mm and then knit 50 rows before heel shaping on 2.75. 54 rows after heel shaping before toe decreasing.

I am really pleased with this because I did it without a pattern. The math just suddenly 'clicked' in my head and now i can knit any gauge any size and get it right.

I have another on the needles using Rowan Felted Tweed, used double, that I have left over from a sweater. I shall try the short row heel with this one.

I Got It !!!!

I got my Blue Badge today. No problem at all. They issued is str8 away. Took one look at me and that was it. No humilation involved, no questioning the reality of my disability. And the council is well known for being hard to get a Blue Badge from.

On top of that, the council are registering me as disabled.

Makes me even more determined to find out why the other wankers turned me down for Mobility. I have asked for a 'Statement of Reason' and then my lawyer will look at it.

Off to bed now. I am knackered.

Mail

I get loads of mail every day. You know the type that begins with an S and ends in an M. No matter how I filter it still comes.

It wouldn't be so bad except they seem to think that:

1. I live in the USA
2. Have huge debts
3. Have a small penis
4. Am impotent
5. Like lesbian porn
6. Take lots of drugs
7. Want a mortgage.
8. And seem to think I am old.
9. And think I will be stupid enough to hand over my bank details to the widow of some African Dignitary who died tragically.
10. Call me Beloved In Christ and then go on to try and rip me off(well they would wouldn't they?)

Feels Like Heaven

I managed to get the colour right on this photo!

This is 70% Cashmere / 30% Silk. Feels so good you could make undergarments from it.

The gauge is 37sts and 50 rows to 10cms. 7 strands of 2/60's(thinner than sewing thread). I used a couple of strands of Oxford grey, 3 Black and a couple of French Navy knitted at 5 on the dial on the SR830, using single bed only.

It turned out exactly as I hoped it would. I love the style, it just drapes so well. Smart casual. Set in sleeves.

Finished by mattress stitch and machine washing and tumble drying. The washing / drying really brings out the full beauty of this yarn. I treat all cashmere and cashmere mixes the same. This yarn is fully machine washable, like all cashmere(at least all Ii have used, Mongolian), at 30c.

I used to be able to knit a sweater like this in a day, including finishing. This took me 4 days. Depends how I am doing. Today was crap. Spent most of it not being able to walk at all. The dogs thought my crawling around on all fours was a hoot! 1gm of paracetamol and 100gms of codiene later and I can now stand up. I HATE taking pain killers and I don't often, but today was just one of those days.

A poor picture but gives an idea of the hems I used for neck, sleeves and body.

Frumph!

Just been doing the Sunday things-the tip, and some shopping. All I do is the driving, John does the rest.

We got into Tesco and my legs just became leaden and overall I felt very weak. So it's off to bed and hopefully I am okay later as I have a two hour talk to give this evening. I normally stand, with my sticks, and as long as I move, I manage. Tonight, I think I shall tell them I am sitting for the duration!

I just finished a 70% cashmere / 30% silk sweater using 7 x 2/60 at tension 5 on the SR 830. I used 3 different colours, Oxford grey, Black and French navy. I also knit it without the ribber, using st st hems throughout and for the neck too. Will post a pic later.

On the needles I have a sock in some of that mulitcoliur sock wool (Sirdar), using 2.25mm for the ribbing and 2.75 for the rest.

Toward The Light

Last October I went away for a week to Lake Konstanz. It was a beautiful place. Unfortunately, while I was away, I progressively became slow and miserable. I had put this down to the pain I was in and the fact I had been unable to empty my bowell.

When I got home, apart from immediately emptying my bowell, I did not feel better at all. I got worse. I couldn't stay awake, felt slow and really down.

During a routine appointment with my GP, she said to me 'you are depressed again. I assumed you would be.'

She had mentioned to me that she thought I suffered from winter induced depression, during the winter of 2004 when i was severely depressed. She had known me 5 years by then. My friend, Karen, in Denmark, had also said the same to me. I was too depressed to really take note.(Whlist way in Lake Konstanz there had been no sunshine.)

However, this time, last October, Karen was forceful in reminding me of her opinion about my depression and again talked to me about getting a light. I still didn't do anything. A light? Sounded like new age crap to me. I had been down that route for years, one lame, expensive therapy after another, all amounting to nothing and leaving me feel stupid for being so gullible.

Then my Dr showed me my medical history over the last 30 years(the length of time I had been in the UK). It clearly showed that all my major illnesses and time spent in hospital had occurred during the winter months. In the spring and summer, there were no Dr visits-I was always manic then. Thus my diagnosis of Bi Polar Disorder. Only once was I hospitalised for mania .

I went home and researched on the net about Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD - terrible acronym!) At first, I only saw information provided by the sellers of the light boxes. The more I searched, I came across scientific articles on the subject. I read that lack of light can stop the pineal gland from working properly. It disturbed the production of melatonin and seratonin. It caused depression and sloth. It could also cause mania in Spring/Summer.

The pineal gland is the only organ, other than the eyes, that contains light cells.

I was almost convinced. I decided to buy a light box. For it to work, the strength has to be at least 10,000 lux. An ordinary daylight light bulb will NOT work!

I paid £300 for mine. It was the best £300 I have ever spent. Since the day it arrived, 4 months ago, I have not been depressed. This is the first winter since 1975 that i have not suffered from depression. And I sleep much better.

All I have to do is sit in front of this light for 20 minutes daily. That is it. No meds. Nothing else to it. (I might add here that 30 years of medications, loads of them, and not one of them did any good at all and most did a lot of harm.)

Of course I have had days when I don't feel great. Everyone does. I have days when I feel bad tempered and grotty because my physical pain is so bad. However, I have not once felt suicidal, nor have I wished to stay in bed or been so out of it, I couldn't function. As anyone who has experienced depression will know, the difference between depression and sadness or feeling pissed off is very marked. They are not the same at all. Depression is like living in black treacle. It is nothing like being in a bad mood.

Oh and one article suggested that people who had lived in climates where the sun shone all year around, suffered more so when moving to a climate where winter was experienced. That was me-I had moved from the tropics in 75.

Of course, solving this aspect of my difficulties is only part of the story. I would still have had serious problems because of my past and still do. However, depression is now not one of them. Thus I have more ability to deal with the other crap!

Lambswool Boucle 2

This is another sweater in the lambswool boucle yarn I have. This time I knitted it on tension 6, instead of tension 8 at which I knit the green one. This drapes better and looks better. The other is too loose. This is a beautiful yarn. It machine washes and tumble dries. 80% lambswool 20% nylon.

It is not easy to knit with at all. Picking up sts is very difficult because one can't see them! Therefore the sleeves are knitted top down, something I have not done before. I was concerned that casting off at the end of the cuff ribbing would look horrid or not pull in well. I needn't have been concerned, it doesn't look any different to my normal bottom up method.

The sweater is light weight, only 500 grams for a sweater that is 64m wide and 70 cm long, including rib. It is sewn using backstich. I normally sew with mattress stitch but these sts are not easy to see! It is also drop shouldered whereas I'd prefer a set in sleeve or raglan but decided the sewing up would be too difficult given the visibility problem.
I am pleased with this neck, both in fit and height. It feels good when worn.

Improved Sock Number two

My second sock, using 2 x 4mm circs. This is a much better fit and the sts look right. I realised as I was knitting this that I had left out some steps in the first sock, like when I was decreasing on the heal, the should have been 1 row of knitting between the decreases! I also changed the heel on this one, using st st and not garter st.I did this today whilst waiting for Alice to whelp. The yarn is something called Alpine in Taupe which i found lurking behind the armchair. An acrylic wool mix.

Newborns

This is Alice resting with her first litter, born this afternoon. Three boys and 1 girl. All shaded red.
Dachshund pups are very ugly when born and remain that way for several weeks but turn into beauties.

Sock

I am feeling rather chuffed. I finished my first sock. I used the book by Jill Schaeffer and friends called Socks & Circs. I used two circs. I am pleased with myself because I was able to read and folow the instructions. i have not been able to do that before, hence I design my own stuff. NOw I have done this one sock, I can figure out how to do what I want, I think.
This sock will be undone. The sts are too loose- ie the yarn too thin for the needle size. The yarn itself is lovely 50% NZ Wool 50% NZ Mohair. I used 4mm needles and ideally I think it should be 3.25mm or 3.5mm. I'd have to use more sts. I would also change the garter stitch heal I think. Oh and this was knit top down which i found easy and once I got to the foot part, just put it on my foot every now and then until I was sure it would fit. It fits perfectly.

I must say when I first realised that many people knit socks, I couldn't see the point. I thought well you buy 3 pairs for for a couple of quid and they are always hidden so why bother? However, much to my surprise this sock feels lovely on my foot, where as I thought it would itch. I can now see myself knitting more and more to the point wearing them indoors, no shoes. I also think maybe people will be getting these as prezzies!

Alice has not had a pup yet but she is in the first stage and will move into the second stage, the pushing, soemtime tonight. I was up all night last night and will be again tonight. There is no knowing the exact time they will start to push and this first part, the scratching up the nest, the restlessness, not eating and all can last 48 or more hours. So once this phase starts, one just has to stay put and watch them. So pleased I knit!

Two Circs

I am sitting around waiting for Alice to whelp.
So I decided to try again with the sock thing. 4 or 5 dpns are definitely out. No way.
Magic Loop. What's magic about it? I couldn't handle it.
Finally got the hang or 2 circs. Once I figured out why I kept ending up with all the sts on one needle!
So maybe a pair of sock are on their way - once I can find a pattern written for 2 circs. I couldn't make my own as I do for sweaters as I have no idea how socks are done.

Old Bitch

This is Nechung, otherwise known as Nechung de Koempfer with Tantra (imported France. Thanks to Laurent and Francois). She is now 8 years old and seems to have reverted back to puppydom. She has been very playful recently. She sleeps on our bed and is the top dog. She is quiet about it tho, doesn't cause trouble. Her growl is enough to keep the others in line and she occasionally will headbut but never attacks or bites.
This is Tantra's Micah, born 24th November 2005. Known as Micah. Nechung's son. I am rather pleased with him and am excited that he may fulfill his promise.

Good People

http://knit-picking.blogspot.com/

A site that shows how the human spirit can grow through adversity.

Friends In Deed

We are only here for a short time and we need to use our time wisely. Life is too short for creating crap. Although many people spend their time doing just that and some, it seems, enjoy doing so. So we don't bother with them.

People from all walks of life, intelligence levels, backgrounds, perform miracles everyday. There is so much good in our world. We don't hear much about it. Our tv's and newspapers and magazines feed us a daily, hour by hour, minute by minute, diet of crap. No wonder we find it hard to see the good. We aren't shown it or told about it! The way things are, it looks as if only the crap exists and that it drowns out the good stuff. NOT SO! We have to be active and not lazy. We have to make the effort. We have to see it! Good surrounds us all, all the time. We just have to see it and feel it.

One person, one of many, who fills our world with good is Cynthia O'Neal. You can find out about her here:

http://www.friendsindeed.org/

It's no good thinking 'oh what difference will I make?' Anyone can make a difference. Smile and be polite with strangers, at the shops, anywhere. Listen to someone. This is a truly great gift and is often all that is needed for healing to take place. Do something for someone that you know is helpful. Chucking money in a collection tin is not the kind of doing something I have in mind!

Above all, and certainly top in the helpful stakes, have positive regard for your fellows. You don't have to like them. Just treat them as you would want your self to be treated. (warning: never forget your own self regard-that way you won't take shit from people)

No Secrets

Some people say you are only as 'sick as your secrets' and perhaps that is true.

However, one needs to be wise in telling your secrets. It is also not neccesary to a) tell everyone and b) to tell all to the same person!

There is only one person who knows ALL of my secrets and that was the therapist who saved my life.

My partner knows some of them. He will never know the details of the abuse. I would not ever burden him with that. He doesn't need to know and to know would hurt him in a way that will not be repairable. It is enough that he knows the generalities.

As for telling anyone else, no. I used to be open about it years ago. When I wasn't well still and knew nothing of boundaries. I didn't know then that people use such information to hurt you.
Even now, people I had considered good people and close to me have used what they know about me against me. Some never see you as a whole person. A person who has vaild feelings and opinions. If they disagree with me, they always use my past as justification for dismissing my feelings or my opinion, because my past makes it not possible for me to 'think clearly'! Funny how similar that is to the techniques abusers use and cults use.

And people wonder why one has to build strong defences in order to survive! It is absolutely necessary. I only let in those I want to let in and I am lucky in that I have good people in my life who love me, respect me, and see me as whole, not some damaged freak.

Funny, in the past I would have been whatever you wanted me to be in order for me to be liked or feel safe. You didn't have to do anything. Now it is YOU who has to prove yourself. i don't trust easily and I have no time at all for games or being polite. I don't waste my time on ignorant or stupid or self centred people. Life is too short to waste it. I will not hurt others or be rude but I won't put up with crap either! Gone are the days I would lsiten politely and attentively to idiots or those who just moaned and moaned byut never did anything to change their lot. Let them leach of somone else or better still, fix themselves!

I have all the time in the world for those people who are not afraid to look inwards and have the courage to change. The rest can f**k off and leave me alone.

Anticipation

Well, although still very angry, and wavering between that and despair and feeling quite good too, we have organized a trip.

We are going to Prague. We will leave here on a Friday night in August, go the thru Chunnel, and spend that night in the SuiteHotel in Calais. Early Saturday we will drive to Prague, staying en route Saturday night and then arrive at the Dorint in Prague centre on the Sunday. Wednesday will see us leave and head for Munich where will stay at Novatel in the centre, leaving Saturday morning to head home. Saturday night will be another stopover en route and Sunday night staying in the same hotel in Calais. Get through the chunnel early on the Monday morning and head for home.

I adore driving, especially through Europe and it will be exciting to visit the Czech Republic as I have not done so before. Although it isn't easy as regards the pain part, it is exciting so that supersedes my discomfort. Besides, I aint walking! Walking is the real pain.

The woman at the Dorint was kind enough to warn me that the streets of Prague are mainly cobbled. That counts the wheelchair out. I have made enquiries and have discovered that I can hire a self propelled scooter to take with me.It won't a problem with the cobbles. Feasible or not, I do not know yet. The other option is to take lots of codeine. Or not go. Not going is NOT an option. The codeine is not really an option either, unless I don't want to poo for a week. Having experienced that in October in Lake Kontstanz(see Chipolata post in October 2005), I really don't want to do it again. Whatever I decide, I am still going. Life is short and pain or not, I am going to get the most out of it I can.

Sunday was not a good day. My dinner ended up on the floor, and partly on the aran sweater I have almost finished knitting. Why? Well, John had put all the dogs away because I had wiring strung across the room , a satellite aerial, which led to the GPS for the car. I was working out the route to Prague. Once he had put the dogs away, he walked back into the room and decided the window needed closing. Yes, the window my aerial was hanging out of. He walked str8 into the wires and pulled the GPS machine off the sofa and broke it. £800!!! Broken, just like that. My dinner ended up on the floor, and over other stuff. I'll leave you to figure that one out, I am far too ashamed to say how it ended up there.Nothing further happened as I then left to go to church - on my own

I had to wash the almost completed Aran sweater or it was going to stain beyond help. I got all the stuff out and spun it and left it to dry. Then I discovered I had been a complete pratt. I did not wash my swatch. Why on earth not? Well because this a pure wool, hand wash, and that is what I was going to do with the garment so didn't bother. Well guess what? I should have. I know, I know. I have been at this so long and I should have known better. However, what has happened is not what I would have expected. It is HUGE! Instead of 63 cm wide it is 76 cms wide! Washing expanded it. The pattern looks great tho. You should have seen how dirty the yarn was! This is much lighter ecru that i thought it was. Anyway, so now I am knitting the final sleeve and will complete this garment. perhaps I will then sell it on Ebay as it will be too big for me.

Alice the Dax is due to have her puppies this weekend tho she could hang on a day or so after that. So come Friday, I will be staying put. This is her first litter, and probably her only. She is two now, or will be later this month.

Dax pups are dideous when born. My first littter of them was such a shock. What f**k are these, I said when I saw them. Long torpedo shaped things wih a pointy end.Ugleeee! They do of course end up really very pretty but they don't start to blossom until they are about 6 weeks or so. As adults they are just gorgeous. Lovely tempered, not yappers, placid but energetic. Never a cross word from my Daxies unless they are pregnant and other pups around.Even then, it's only a warning growl.

How do They Sleep?

I had to appear before a panel consisting of a lawyer, a doctor and a woman whose job I have no idea about.

This is because I am now disabled and I applied for Motability which gives me a disabled badge for my car which enables me to park in disabled bays and also provides money toward travelling and free car tax. (The car is John's actually)

These people had my own doctors report, a neurologist report and a report from another consultant about my osteo arthritis of the spine(I don't know what he is called). On top of this, they had sent their own doctor to see me.

All of these professionals made it very clear that I have severe difficulty in walking, severe pain when ii do, and that I walk very slowly. Their own doctor gave a score of 3 from the hips down. 4 means one is paralysed.

This panel ignored it all and refused my application. They did however award me middle rate care which is awarded to people who cannot cook for themselves, bath themselves or dress themselves or get in and out of bed on their own!!!!!!!!

I am housebound without a car. I cannot shop for myself. I cannot get to public transport, and even if I could, it is too dangerous to use it. If I fall who will pick me up? Where would I go to anyway? I can't walk any distance without severe pain and although I force myself to, so that leg muscles don't waste, my legs soon stop working altogether thru weakness. I have recently had them give way under me 4 times in one day!

I have not felt this angry in a very long time. I don't know what to do with it. I cannot tell these people what it think. Government bureaucrats are cowards and they hide away, making decisions about other people's lives. Decisions that can make life very hard for the person they have power over. They were cowardly, they refused to tell me their decision there and then, but posted it to me a few hours later. I am sure they knew I would not keep quiet if they told me to my face.

I am astounded, as is my doctor and everyone that knows me, that these bastards did this to me.

Now I can appeal the appeal, which I am told can take years and their information on it, warns that I could lose all my benefits if I do!

I really really want to talk with these people, to their face, and tell them exactly what they have done and ask them how they can sleep at night when they care so little for the lives of others. Perhaps one day, one of them will come to understand what constant 24/7 pain is lie. What disability is like and how humiliating it is to put people through what they have put me through.

I find since then, I keep feeling like I am about to burst into tears and the I get hit by waves of rage. I am so frustrated. There is nothing I can do. I don't know what to do. Until recently, I have coped with my disabilities quite well and have been happy despite them and have learned to live with them and still do as I please, within reason. Now I feel quite desperate. My illness is not going to go away. The neuro made that clear. My spine won't heal itself and they can't heal it either.

If it were not for John, I'd be completely sunk and I only see him for 2 days a week anyway. If anything happened to him, my life would be over. That is a terrifying thought on all sorts of levels. It would be the worst thing that could happen even if I was well because I love him. Now I am dependant on him too. He does for me the things I can't do during the week. I have another friend who does what she can once a week for me.

I try not to think beyond today and am usually very successful. One day at a time has been my motto for many years. Since all this crap with Govt goons, it has been harder. I feel very afraid.(I think this may be why writing is a good idea - I didn't know I was afraid - I thought I was angry.)

Posing Puppies

Moon, 14 weeks, 02.Mar.06. Micah, Moon and Luna share the same sire, tho Luna has a different dam to Micah and Moon. Luna's mother is Finty, who can be seen elsewhere on this blog.
Luna at 12 weeks and 3 days, 02.Mar.06
Micah at 14 weeks today, 02.Mar.06