JADE GOODY

Most of you are probably unaware of this young woman. She came to fame on one of the Big Brother series. Her fame increased when she was in a celebrity version of said show. She was accused (wrongly I feel) of racism. There was a Bollywood movie actress on with her and they got into an argument. Ms Goody called her Miss PopaDom. For this she was sacked, vilified in the press, and became Enemy No 1.

This was really all about class snobbery. Ms Goody came from a very humble background. What Americans would call 'white trash'. (No one pointed out how utterly condescending Ms Shilpa Shetty had been to ms Goody on the show. Nor the fact that Ms Goody had been referred to as White Trash)

During this, I was disgusted to witness a serious discussion with a panel of well respected journalists who ripped Ms Goody apart. They called her ugly, common, thick. They were appalling. One of them was Yasmin Alibhai-Brown and I was shocked and disgusted by her. I had up until then had great respect for her and her championing of the downtrodden and her anti racist stance. Yet she not only did not stop this offensive tirade against Ms Goody but was part of it.

Ms Jade Goody is 27 years old and has two children. She has just a couple of months left to live. She has terminal cancer. No, it it is not a publicity stunt. This is real. Facebook is playing host to some vile and vicious people who are actively wishing her death to be long and painful. They have even formed their own groups to cheer her suffering on.


This type of thing makes me want to abandon my own principles and do some damage. Instead, I try to become more aware of the light.

GOOD DAY

WISBECH

First of all we went to Wisbech. I had to put a cheque in the bank and that is my nearest branch (10 miles away). We then went to Poundland which I love to do. Got household items we needed.
Visited a men's outfitters called Robert Goddard where I saw some lovely red cords not in my size and John saw a very handsome soft suede jacket not in his size. He bought a shirt and I bought nothing.
Later in W. H. Smith he bought mags and the daily paper whilst I bought the second issue of The Knitter. I have to say I am impressed with this magazine even though I declined to buy the first one. I really like the man's slip stitch jumper in this issue.

SWIMMING

I didn't go swimming yesterday nor did I go today. I will probably go tomorrow.

DOGS

As I had not been to the pool for two days, I thought I could manage to walk the dogs. Half way around the walk, I found I was very tired and not very able to move my legs. I had no choice of course but to continue on home. I think John,( no I know ), had a hard time not being too far ahead of me as I slowed to a snail's pace. I hope this was a just a blip and not the way things are now. I have just sat the rest of the day and am now going to bed, knackered.

KNITTING

I have completed the front piece of the garter stitch raglan sweater on the Brother 940 using the garter carriage. I am 20 rows away from the first decrease on the back piece. I am really pleased with this so far.

As for socks, I have knitted up to the gusset increases on one sock and am not far behind that on the second sock.

My Aran back is also now knitted up to the first decrease. This too is a raglan.

DVD - THE TUDORS Series II

We are into the second series of The Tudors. This is excellent, truly. Trouble is they do show executions. Heads being chopped off I can cope with. Burning at the stake or boiling alive I cannot and I leave the room and block my ears until it's over. The guy playing Henry 8th is good looking, mean looking, sleazy looking and very sexy. Good casting I would say. The machinations between him and the Pope etc really shows how idiotic the question of religion and Xtianity is. Not only does the Emperor have no clothes, he never did!

Oh and last night we watched the latest MUMMY film. Greta fun. How come Brendan Frazer is so attractive when he isn't good looking? Nothing about his face fits, yet the whole package works very well.

GOD

I had a quiet word with the Almighty and She has promised me that I can have my own space in Her house, well away from the downstairs guests. Seems she hasn't much time for the loud-mouths either. Hates it when they speak for Her and claim to know Her mind. So She says they can jolly well stay put until they change their minds. Not a thing She can do unless they do. Whilst She waits, She has hinted that She'd like to learn the Andersson Heel. Oh, crumbs! KnitPicks or Addi's? Circulars or DPN's?

ETERNITY ? NO THANKS

Could you imagine spending eternity with Swift and his ilk? I must be mistaken because I thought Jesus was a man of love and compassion yet followers such as Swift clearly think differently.

Of course he and the men who flew into the WTC are cut from the same cloth. May they enjoy eachother's company on the other side.

Fortunately for them, they will ALWAYS be able to change their minds and turn to the light but will suffer the consequences until such times as they do.

The Great Spirit does not punish them, they will punish themselves. So they think, so they will be. The Great Spirit never turns away and never bars the way. The light will always be there. It's up to you .

SETTING AN EXAMPLE

This comment which was left me last night, is such a good example of what I was talking about in HOW IT WORKS. Poor deluded man. I don't believe we should have anything but compassion for such a person in our best moments. Yet at the same time, we need to be vigilant and not accept the unacceptable. Have compassion but don't allow the dark it's way.
Meanwhile, I'd like to thank him for illustrating so well the darkness I was writing about and the affect such religious brainwashing has on the minds of people.


Rev. Donald Spitz said...

Of course you are too much of an anti-Christian bigot to publish this, but the truth is, most, if not all problems on the planet earth are from people like you, people who reject Jesus Christ. Our prisons are filled with people, like you, who reject Jesus Christ. Most, if not all; rapes, murders, robberies and thefts are committed by people, like you, who reject Jesus Christ. AIDS is mainly spread by people who reject Jesus Christ and have sex outside of marriage. Children AIDS get it from people who reject Jesus Christ.
I hope you will turn from your sins and receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and escape the fires of eternal hell. Turning from your sins and giving your life to Jesus Christ is the only way you can escape the fires of hell and receive everlasting life. If you persist in your sins and continue to turn your back on Jesus Christ, you will be lost forever.
SAY THIS PRAYER: Dear Jesus, I am a sinner and am headed to eternal hell because of my sins. I believe you died on the cross to take away my sins and to take me to heaven. Jesus, I ask you now to come into my heart and take away my sins and give me eternal life. http://www.armyofgod.com

5:38 AM, February 14, 2009

HOW IT WORKS

To those who grew up healthily, were not abused and not subjected to a fundamentalist ideology, it can be very difficult to understand those of us who were. They do not understand the mind control techniques by abusers. Please understand that I include in the term abusers those who bring up their children in their religious ideology.

Lets take a look at the religious angle first. One is taught the religious beliefs of the parents or school or other adult sin power over the child. A child naturally believes the adults around him/her. The is power that adults have over children is well known and well abused. Heard the Jesuit saying: 'give me the child until he seven and I shall give you the man'?

Tell the child that if they are not good, not what we tell you to be, you will burn in Hell for eternity. Tell the child that to doubt is wicked in itself., Tell the child that to question is wicked. Tell the child that it is Satan who puts those doubts in their mind. tell the older child who presents scientific facts which refute the religious teachings that Satan planted the evidence in order to fool him or her and he or she will got to Hell! Tell the child that they are flawed, their thinking is wicked, they do not know their own mind, if they dare to question. Who are they to question the Holy See? The nun? The priest? The pastor? How wicked they must be.

Now the adult who abuses the child in a physical or emotional or sexual way uses precisely the same techniques. They will deny the child's memory, experience, feelings. They will tell the child that

1, it did not happen
2. if it did happen it was the child's fault
3. the child is wicked so deserved it
4. it was the child's fault that the adult lost control
5. the child wanted it
6. how dare the child dishonour their parent?
7. the child was imagining it
8. the child has no reason to feel bad
9. the child is deluded
10. the child's perceptions are inaccurate.


In both cases it is highly unlikely the child will grow up to be a healthy functioning adult. It is highly likely that they will grow up to follow the same religious ideology and continue the abuse. Unfortunately, some of the sexually abused will grow up to do the same. Many also continue the violence and emotional abuse. They know nothing different.

The person brought up in such a way lives in perpetual fear and self doubt. They do not trust themselves or their ability to think and reason. They do not trust their feelings. How can they? They have been taught not to. They have been taught they are flawed and wicked.

For those abused into a religious ideology, they can grow up hate filled and believe they are love filled. They can bomb abortion clinics, kill gays, stone adulteresses send planes into buildings, beat children senseless, kill children in the effort to exorcise demons. They can do all this in the name of Love because they have been corrupted. They have been brainwashed. they have been taught to think this way.

A victim of sexual and physical and emotional abuse can continue into adulthood still being abused. They choose partners and friends who abuse them. They don't see the abuse because all they see is that they are rightly being punished for being a wicked person. they spend their lives trying to be good and therefore stop the pain. if only they were good, if only they could get their act together, they would not be treated badly. it never occurs to them that they are not at fault and that the way those around them are treating them is wrong and not their fault.

If they dare to start to question their badness, to dare to suggest that their parents or family or others in control over them, were abusive, they will be subjected to further stronger abuse and denial.

It takes enormous strength and courage to escape this mind set. There is huge fear involved. Huge pain. Such that it could kill you or send you insane. I am proof that it can be achieved. There are others like me who managed to escape.

Still there are many others who do escape and still many othIi met at the Knitting fair who home schooled her children because she was a fundamentalist Xtian. My heart aches for her and my heart fears greatly for her poor children that she is abusing in the most wicked an insidious way and with the full sanction of the government.

Our government sanctions the abuse of children by allowing faith schools. The physical abuse of children is sanctioned by the law allowing the circumcision of babies and children. The barbaric mutilation of boys like this is so commonplace that we don't even see it as abuse! Yet when done to a girl, we do. One cannot compare pain or abuse. Abuse is abuse, there are no gradings!

The world we live in, the pain and suffering all around us is there because WE ALLOW IT. If we don't allow it, we cause it. WE PUT OUR IDEAS ABOVE THE HEALTH AND SAFETY OR OURSELVES AND OUR YOUNG.We pass on our fear and shame and guilt to out young. Above all we pass on the inability to see the pain and suffering and it's cause.

How can one believe people are evil? Is it not clear that the evil perpetrated by people is seen as good by them? And for those who commit evil acts, such as torture, or the physical punishment of children, do so because they are releasing their own pain? They have become twisted and corrupted by those who had control over them.

Actions and ideas can be evil and result in evil. Human beings are not.

Delights

Bridget in foreground, Enzo with back to camera, and Carly in background. Just in from the snow. Keeping all three. Bridget is sticking her tongue out, not her jaw.
Enzo.
Phoebe, sold. Not sure if the other one is Carly or the unnamed boy.
We've had loads more snow this evening.

Wollmeise

SO I thought I'd see what the fuss was about.I waited a week until there was something to buy. A whole week. I just kept refreshing the IN STOCK page.It was available tonight. I clicked on 3 items to put in my shopping basket. There they were. I then went to pay. In the time it took for to move from my shopping cart to the payment part, the items were sold off to someone else. I am not into playing such games as this. Forget it. Let those stupid enough to do it, carry on doing it.Had I known that that this could happen, I wouldn't have got involved.

HEAPING IT ON

REMINDER: fasting blood test Thursday 26th February at 9am.

I wrote a detailed email to the dental practice explaining as politely as I could why their attitude of non care to their disabled clients is not good business. I explained how humiliating it was to have one's needs ignored and one having to beg to have those needs met, and being met with refusal. (I am afraid here in the UK this is common practice.)I also pointed out that to take on benefit receiving NHS patients and then refer them to a fee paying service just heaps humiliation upon them. I am fortunate in that I have other means by which to pay.

I got a letter back which stated that 'we are sorry practice policy doesn't suit you and we hope you see fit to make an appointment with us.'

In other words-we don't give a shit. Like it or lump it.

I had to go to the supermarket even though it is a blizzard outside. More snow. I have gone off snow. I got there just in time to take the last disabled bay, which I was reversing into when an able bodied couple whizzed in and prevented me. Oh, and yes they did see me, my badge and my sticks when I got out my car, which I left where it was. Not in a bay, but also not obstructing anyone.

I realised recently why I have a thing for snow. It reminds me of happy times in Germany when I was small and sledging down Killer Bottom Hill near our home. It was so named cos the way down was fast and bumpy. I used to love it and was very welcome relief form otherwise dark times. This last two weeks has rather done away with that fantasy. Snow may look lovely, and it certainly does, and it makes me feel wistful I think is the word, but it is completely impractical. For everyone not just those of us who have mobility problems. I wanted to go the Spiritualist meeting tonight as apart form the pool, I have seen no one this week. Not to be. I can't go in this snow. Too far and too dodgy on the roads.


The dogs haven't even been for a short walk. They don't spend much time outside either. I tried to pick up their poo today now that the snow melted, but it was frozen so I couldn't shift it. Now it is covered up again anyway!

I am formulating in my mind how to write a blog post explaining clearly the mind control techniques used by fundametalists and other abusers which makes it so difficult to see the abuse and so difficult to escape it. It will go some way I think to explaining to those who are outside of this - ie not religious survivors or childhood abuse survivors (they interlap). I can see why those outside cannot see how anyone can think the way fundies do or how abuse victims think. I will explain just how the mind control, or brainwashing, works and why it is used. I will also explain why so many fundies home school and why so many so called faith schools exist. It all faciltiates the brainwashing goals and they have nothing to do with love or wanting the best for the children.

Yesterday there was a news item and it kept referring to Muslim children, and Xtian children and Jewish children. There are no such children! There are only children who are controlled by people who think a particular way. The children themselves are merely their victims.

Todays' Life

I feel much better today and have awoken in a better frame of mind. I have only just started to feel sore this last half hour after having dealt with the puppies and dogs. I slept from 11.30pm to 8.30am though the last hour or so was dozing. The important thing is, I only became aware of my hips towards the end of my stay in bed and I got out of bed with little trouble. It looks as if the slow release Tramadol works.

I am still afraid of this drug. I am concerned about tolerance, dependence or addiction to it. I have not found any sensible information about it, only horror stories on web sites from people who say they got horribly hooked and had terrible side effects. I have no side effects whatsoever. None. Which is unusual for me. It just lessens the pain. Speaking about it to the chemist only resulted in me being told 'well, you aren't going to stop taking it since your health will get worse not better, so it doesn't matter.' I did not find that helpful to say the least!

I shall go swimming later today. I shall also got later tomorrow. Now I only need to go early on Tuesday and Wednesday. Saturday I will leave out and let Sunday be optional. I think 5 days a week will be enough.

I am about to start the garter stitch sweater on the Brother 940 using the Garter Carriage today. I am pleased with it.

I have managed a fair bit of my Aran too. I am only on 6 row repeat away from decreasing for the armhole. This is the second piece, the back, so it won't be long now till I start on the sleeves.

I found the quote below by following a link on an email. It comes from Heathwitch's site. The quote is really good and encapsulates my life and thought.

“We all want to be free. That is human nature. We want to be free from pain and suffering and limitations. If we look deeply into our hearts, we know what we want; we are in love with the condition of liberation. Our pain is the feeling of alienation or separation from our Beloved, which is this freedom … But finding true nature is not for the timid. It requires courage and a sense of adventure, a fearless heart, and optimistic strength.” — Hameed Ali

PS: if I make a dental appointment I will need help to remember it. Even writing it in my planner will not work because I forget to look at it. I have made an appointment at 8.30am to see my Doctor at 11am and I have forgotten to go! So I was thinking I could write the date and time of it here on my blog and maybe someone would remember it and remind me. I hope that isn't too cheeky a thing to ask.

How It Is

I have no idea why but I am craving sugar today. Or bread. Both probably. I hate feeling like this. Really hate it. I have not succumbed and am eating as normal but that doesn't mean I don't want to.

I am not hungry. I don't even feel bad about anything, as far as I know. Always have to put the proviso there as I know from experience that once can be feeling upset about something and not be aware of it!

Sometimes I think I crave to eat those things just because it's what I am used to doing to make myself feel better. However, it only makes one feel better in the very short term. Waking afterwards to memory of it is dire to say the least.

Nowadays, I don't purge or vomit so I have to stick with the damage if I do succumb. I won't.

If a magic fairy arrived down here now and said he could cure my physical problem or take the food issue away, I would choose the food issue. No contest.

I have been feeling antsy this last few days around food. I have eaten properly but have felt hungry a lot of the time even though I am eating enough.

This really hasn't bothered me in such a long time. I am perplexed as to why it would now. The way I feel physically, the enjoyment I get from dressing up and doing the dog shows, the sheer pleasure from wearing nice clothes and looking good and feeling good is what keeps me on the str8 and narrow right now.

I know this will pass. The sooner the better. I hate this teetering on the edge feeling. I also just plain hate feeling like crap which is how I feel. I feel bloated. I feel anything but comfortable.

You know, sometimes I think I just want out. I don't mean I want to stop living. I just feel like I need time out. Each day is an effort. Nothing comes easily. From waking in the morning, the struggle is on. It starts with just hauling myself out of bed. Not because I don't want to get out but because it's so damn difficult to get out! Then off to the pool. I enjoy it but it is an effort to do. No matter how much good it does me, and it does me much good. If I don't do it, I seize up and things are worse. I often long to just be able to lie in bed, curled up with a good book, and switch off. I can't do that. I tell you, it was very very tempting to accept the morphine script yesterday. I think in the back of my mind I knew it might not be a good idea as it would really be easy to 'switch off' with that. Oh I have diazepam in the drawer. That combined with the Tramadol would switch me off. But I don't do it. It's not what i want. I don't' want to switch off. I just want to feel comfortable. I want to lie down and read my book and be lost in it, not having to move constantly, to not be aware of my damned body the whole time. Even when asleep I have to wake up just to change position. No rolling over in slumber.

Writing here takes me down roads I didn't know were there. I didn't know when I started to write that I would end up talking about how uncomfortable I am physically all the time nor about the daily effort it takes (and that voice telling me to quit whining can go f**k itself. I know who it is and he can go to hell).

Okay, so now I am more aware of my body. I don't know if I can explain this in an understandable way. If you have weight trained or spent time lifting stuff when you are not used to it then you will have an idea of how my body feels all the time. And that is without the snap, crackle and pop of my joints. As I sit and type, I am aware of every tap my fingers make because it hurts. They hurt. They burn. My hips are sore and the pain travels down both legs. This is why I move all the time.

I am so used to pain, that I often give the impression of not being in any. Only John really can tell. Just like when I tried to tell people in the past about by psychic pain, people disbelieved because I showed no emotion when telling of awful happenings. Same now. My GP knows I guess because she had seen me for 10 years and knows what to look for and because I trust her, I can let her see my pain, be it physical or psychic.

I couldn't do that when young. My pain was never seen or recognized and if I dared show it, I was mocked, dismissed or treated with utter disgust. Feeling pain is a source of shame for me. I was shamed to the core for feeling pain.

I still feel that. Writing this, that voice is there telling me to delete, delete, delete. I hear can hear the disgust, the mocking tone, the shame.

This is partly why I was so shocked to be offered morphine. Is my pain really that strong? My reaction was this was rather over egging the pudding. Yet I hadn't said about the night pain in desperation, I said it almost in passing. I don't know, those who know me well say my face and body say what my mouth won't.

I tend to believe whatever anyone tells me. I know what it is like to be told something truly terrible by a person who is saying it with no emotion, or almost as if they are smiling. I know it means they have dissociated. I know it doesn't mean they are lying. That is of course the easier thing to think for any listener. I know that these awful things that happen to people, to children, we don't want to believe. I know they do happen.

Anyway, being stoic and uncomplaining is not the way I am all the time. Trouble is there is **** all I can do about the pain and discomfort. I am aware of that. Okay, so yes, I can lessen the pain much, thank fully with the pills. Not the discomfort though. No drug can give me that comfortable feeling, where i can lie and read or sit and watch TV and concentrate on that and not move. No, they will only knock me out of a while and that isn't what I'd like.

I had though doing my TM would bring the comfort I mean but alas I can't keep still long enough for that! I still get a mental relaxation from it but my body still hurts and forces me to move.

I sometimes wonder if today's problems are the result of me starving myself for so many years and also of living tight as a drum for so many years, hypervigilant, always on the look out, always on guard, always watching for the next blow.

Oh B*llocks!!!!

I got a letter from the dentist today saying I had missed an appointment. One I didn't know I had. They send texts out as reminders, without which I'd never remember.I didn't receive one. They say they sent one. I am to pay a fine for not turning up.

What really irks me is that I am supposed to receive free treatment and yet I have had to pay for all the treatment I had have had so far because the dentist hasn't done any of it but got the hygienist to do it. Hygienists do not come under the NHS, thus I pay. If it were not for John, I'd have had to forego the treatment. This just doesn't seem right to me.

IN THE DYKE

I slept better last night as I was not woken up by pain. I got about six hours. This doesn't mean I didn't get up to pee of course!

My swim went well. On the way back, I took the main road as the temperature was -2c and the roads were white looking, as they were when I left home.

THREE cars were off the road and in the dyke. What is the betting that they were all driven by men who believed they were much better drivers than they were and that they were superior beings so icy roads would pose no threat to their masculinity?

I have swatched up a garter stictch design for a sweater, using the Brother 940, my own design and the Garter Carriage, otherwise known as the Turtle.

GOSH!

I don't know what else to say really. My GP offered me morphine for the night pain. I really am not sleeping well due to it. I have discovered that sleep really is very important and to go without good sleep makes me much worse and crabby to boot.

I declined the offer. I am worried about the affect it may have other than the pain killing properties. Apart from that, I am just not ready for the next stage yet. I can deal with this with help though I am not ready for morphine help.

So I agreed to try a long acting Tramadol instead. I know this drug is good for me. I don't have side effects from it and it works. So tonight I will take a 100 mg dose of the long acting one which hopefully will last thru the night and also mean I will not have to take anything when I wake up other than the pills for my gut, heart and blood.

I just hope it works. I also discovered that the main reason for avoiding new hips now is because they only have to do them again after 10 years so they prefer to wait until I am in my 60's. Assuming I need them. Besides, I'd really rather not have anything like that done. At all. Ever.

Despite what posts like this suggest, I am not an aged cripple to look at but more like a Hollywood heartthrob who can't be bothered to walk unaided as I am so spoiled by fame and riches. Those who have seen me, know this is so. Those who haven't, think George Clooney sitting down......

STANLEY

I used a 2/8 (4ply , fingering weight, 400m to 100gm) pure wool yarn. I knitted it on the Silver reed 830 fine gauge machine. The tension dial was 7 and 1 dot and the gauge was 35 st and 48 rws per 10cm (4" ). The pink stripe came about because I used the pink for scrap top and bottom when doigng the swatch and realised it went well with this green.
2x2 rib for neckband, joined on machine.

Set in sleeves. The whole sweater was sewn together using mattress sticth.

SLUSH

It is very cold and yet the roads and pavements look as if someone has spilled coffee flavoured Slush Puppy all over the place. The drive to the pool was slippy.

My swim was difficult. I felt weak again. Right now I am freezing cold and my hands are having difficulty typing this. No idea why as I am home and my house is heated well. I get like this for some reason I don't understand. I feel cold from the inside out and it is very hard to get warm.

I will be seeing Elizabeth at 4.10pm as I have now had two letters stating I must go for a check up and blood work. So off I go. I shall ask her about the weakness and the cold.

I finished the sweater and will blog it later.

Not much else really.

COLD AS ICE

POOL

I had yesterday off and I went to the pool this morning. Again, the bully wasn't there much to my relief and I was able to get on with my swim and not be stressed. One of the other lifeguards told me that the staff were planning to take me out for a drink if the said lifeguard was of permanently. It seems she is off on sick leave due to 'stress'.

I have mixed feelings. Relief that she is not around. Guilt just cos I am used to that. I feel sorry for her too. Yet I am also pleased to be able to attend the pool for my swim with my gut churning wondering if it will be her on duty. Feeling like that rather defeats the object.

PUPPIES

I lay down on the floor in the living room and let the puppies have their way. They seem to think that noses and ears are for chewing on, and lips are for licking, trousers are for pulling, and failing that shoe laces will do. It was great fun laying there, speaking in baby talk to them and generally acting the fool and having a good time. Getting up was a spectacle itself and I was glad to not have it recorded on film.

This is the best litter I have had I think. I am keeping 2 boys and 2 girls. At least for now. I am very pleased with them. I do know which I prefer of the two boys and which of the two girls, but the two I don't prefer are too good to let go. In plainer English, one boy and one girl are one type and one boy and one girl are another type, but all four fit the standard very well. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. I should be so lucky as to be in this position!

KNITTING

I have completed knitting another sweater and half sewn up half of it. It is 4ply (fingering - irk! I really hate that term) pure wool. I am going to knit another 'Edward' but without the stripe and with a ribbed collar. This will be for John. I have knitted just one repeat on the Aran sweater, and I have a piar of socks on the go, both socks knitted past the toes and 2o rounds into the foot.

SNOW

The snow is still thick and the roads and pavements are still iced. More forecast for tonight but then it it set to thaw. I might then get the dog out for a walk.

I bought a pair of Nike Pro under thingies. Very thin thermals that I gather are worn by mountain climber sand skiers. I am thinking of returning them as they do not do what the packet suggests. I look nothing at all like the body on the packaging when I put them on. Still, they are comfortable and they help keep the cold at bay.

WOMEN OF THE CLOTH

I know two women who are ordained Anglican vicars. One of them bought a dog off me and the other one helped me through my period of grief.

Why am I telling you this? Well, quite simply because some people, judging from the spiteful mail I have had, seem to think I am an atheist and anti Xtian. I am neither. I am anti cruel ignorant fundamentalism of any persuasion. Why do I mostly have a pop at the fundy Xtians? Apart from it being deliciously enjoyable, there are just so many of them and they make it so easy! The net is full of them and the knitting lists seem to be populated by millions of them.

C. and B. are what I call truly spiritual people. They are not vicars because their aim is to save their skin. Far from it. They are vicars because they CARE about you and me and they believe that thru their ordination as vicars, they are best placed to serve mankind. Okay, so I don't share the same belief system but so what? Their aim is the same as mine. Their base reason is the same as mine. In other words, they do what they do for selfless reasons, not in order to curry favour with a feared God. I do what I do for the same reasons, though I write certain things on my blog just cos I like to stir the pot and even so, I never write what I don't believe.

Besides, with so much darkness spewing forth out there it can but help to bring even the tiniest bit of light relief.

IMAGINE BEING SAVED

Imagine being able to eat as much as you like, laze around all day and still have a fit toned body.

Imagine being as mean and as rude as you like and still be popular and loved.

Imagine being as reckless as you choose to be, drive your car down a busy road at 70 mph and survive unscathed.

Imagine jumping tall buildings and not being hurt.

Imagine being really stupid and yet still being rich.

Imagine never feeling depressed, no matter how negative your thinking is . You certainly won't be depressed because anything bad happens to you.

Imagine never dying. Yes, that's right. You will never die. Your body will last forever.

These are just a few of the benefits of believing that Jesus died and PAID for your sins. You can do and think as you please and suffer no consequences. How about that? And remember, you shall never die, because 'the wages of sin is death' shall not apply to you because Jesus already paid your debt.

Imagine being perfect, free from the consequences of all your actions and thoughts.

Imagine being alone.

Coming Over All Funny

KNITTING

I have knitted the back and front of another sweater on the SK 830. This time in a 4ply (fingering weight). It is a light shade of green with a pink stripe across the chest.

I don't know, recently I have the urge to machine knit. I have hardly done any for ages. Now I have all sorts of ideas.

I think I might put some up for sale on Etsy and Folksy and see what happens. That is after I have finished knitting sweaters for John and I. Whenever that is...

PUPPIES

The puppies are 6 week sold tomorrow. Today they go to Tony's to have their microchips implants. You'd be amazed how this is done. The thing that gets stuck into them is huge, like a canula, and yet the puppies don't make a sound. I am having Whitney done too. Being an adult, she might well have something to say when it is done.


PS: I do wish the 'Followers' section read 'Readers'. It sounds much less grandiose. I know I am close to sainthood and all but really.....

SNOW VIEWS

The area around here is rural and very flat, though the picture below must show the only hill for miles!

I find these windmills quite majestic.

God Save Us

From this type of Xtian!

Try this one too.

And this one really shows the darkness in her. The next one is shocking to me and I am stunned that people really think like this and think they are holier than thou! Her thinking is no different to The Taliban and every other evil fascist fundy on the planet, whether they call themselves Xtian, Muslim, Jew, Hindu or by another name. These people are those who leech the light right out of this world.

This is the type of person who used to watch and cheer when non believers and other sinners were burned alive. Now they just smile in the way that does not light up the eyes.

And this belief is a modern invention.

Isn't self righteousness a sin? (Tho I think her self-righteousness is the least of her to be concerned about.)
How about this quote? May it encourage and inspire you to be thankful for the many (undeserved) blessings you enjoy today!

This poor woman must have suffered greatly and be truly fearful to have allowed her heart to darken so

Edward

I used 2/28's, twofold, of Mongolian Cashmere. This works out at approximately 700m per 100 gram, Laceweight. I used a Silver Reed 830 to make it. The tension dial was number 5 (2 and 2 for ribbing). The gauge I got was 38.5 sts and 61rws per 10cm (4ins) or 9.6 spi and 15.25 rpi.

This is photographed straight out of the tumble dryer. It has been washed in washing soda first to get the oil out. A 40c wash that took 48 mins. I then washed it in a liquid wash delicates on a 30c wash for 42 mins. It was then tumble dried for an hour. I then washed it again, and tumbled it for 30 minutes which is how long it took to dry completely. (All three wash cycles include a 1200 rpm spin for a few minutes.) This sweater can now be washed and tumbled forever with no further shrinking. I tend not to tumble any more though, just machine wash and leave to dry naturally.

Treating cashmere as outlined above really brings out it's wonderful handle. It is how the garments from the top cashmere sweater manufactures treat theirs.


I used a folded stocking stitch band.

The sleeve head I worked out a a couple of years ago. It is a 'cut off' raglan basically. After I spent ages working this out and test knitting, I discovered another bright spark had already done it! I used fully fashioned shaping, by moving the outer 3 stitches in by one stitch. I increase by moving the outer 3 stitches out by one stitch and filling the empty needle with the heel of adjacent stitch.
Above is the side seam and below is the sleeve seam. I use mattress sttich for sewing up all of my garments.

DANGEROUS DYKES

I vowed last night I would go swimming today no matter what. I didn't go really early and left here at about 8.15am. There was a little flurry of snow but the road outside was fine to drive on so off I went.

As I was driving to the pool, my car suddenly started slip sliding away. I very nearly ended up in the dyke. I think it was luck not driving skill that helped me stay on the road and straighten up. My heart pounded and my hands shook. I have no idea why the car did that. The road was clean and I was doing under 30mph, much less actually as I was slowing to turn a corner.

The area around here is all reclaimed land. A thousand or so years ago the Dutch came here an taught the people how to build dykes. So many of our roads run long the top of them, with deep water filled dykes either side. Unfortunately a lot of drivers are careless, drive to fast, and end up in the dykes. Some drown. Not so long ago a mother and her children perished in a dyke.

When I got to the pool it was raining lightly. Once I was in the water, I felt such relief to be back in the water. I do so love to swim. In the water I feel at home and I hurt much less and am completely mobile. I have always enjoyed swimming, long before I got sick, it's just now it is even more important to me.

When I left the pool, it was white out. I drove home, the long way, on straighter and main roads, thru a blizzard at no more than 30mph, sometimes less. The amount of idiots that drove faster and whose cars had no lights! The most treacherous bit for me was getting out of the car and into the house without falling.

I have telephoned John at work and suggested he leave as soon as he can because otherwise he will be spending the weekend on his own in London.

London Lights

ONE

TWO

These links will take you some beautiful London night photographs.

The Third Day

I completed knitting my wine coloured cashmere sweater yesterday on my SK830. I have sewn one sleeve head in so far. I took my time and listened to music whilst I did. No point trying to watch tv as I need to concentrate and also to see well, which means not wearing my glasses so I can't see the tv anyway!

Last evening, my neighbours son, Michael, went with me to Tesco as I needed to shop and I knew that today would be out because of snow. The weather men were correct. Michael frequently goes with me to the supermarket if I need to go mid week. He does all the fetching and carrying.He is very helpful and intuitively so. He knows without having to be asked what needs to be done.

This is my third day of not swimming. I hope to be going tomorrow. I have enjoyed the rest although I did not sleep well last night. I am wondering if maybe I need to cut down the number of days that I swim or cut down on the number of laps and keep the days the same. It has certainly occurred to me that maybe it is my getting up at 5.50am and swimming a mile by 8am that is knackering me. I forget that my illness is not just about pain but I have limited energy too. It seems that I have been so intent of doing the swimming that everything else has fallen away because I am just too tired for much else.

Not bad for 62 is he?

Yes, imagine having seven this size hanging on your tits.

View from my bedroom window this morning.





Three of the dogs in action. Strangely, they came in dry.

Below is my car.

As We Believe

Pool

I didn't go again this morning. I thought maybe I needed more than 1 day of rest. I had thought I might go later today but the only available slot is 50 Plus and I went to that before and it is full of mature ladies who the SS considered too mean.

Knitting

Although I cast on more socks, I am going to try and finish a cashmere sweater on the machine today. I also want to do some swatching for the machine. I have loads of really nice 4ply pure wool and I want to make something with it on the standard gauge machine. I am already knitting an Aran by hand with it, using the yarn two fold.

Death And Dying

My comments on this subject were not related to the fact I was having a crap day. I wasn't thinking that if this pain gets worse I shall top myself. Obviously I have thought about what may happen in the future but mostly I live in the day I have.

I have known several people die of pancreatic cancer. One of the worst. There was also a case recently of a young man, paralysed form the neck down, who went to Dignitas in Switzerland where he chose to end his life. His family could have been prosecuted for taking him as they 'assisted' his suicide which is illegal.

The fact that it is illegal makes me very angry. When I hear the people who object to suicide speaking I want to give them a good slap. How dare they bring their personal religious beliefs to bear on the subject? Who do they think they are? How dare they demand that another human being suffer just so they can be more at ease with their God? Because that is what it boils down to. They do not give a toss about the suffering person, only about their own salvation which their ridiculous belief teaches them is dependent upon them always showing how much they are on God's side, no matter the pain and suffering it causes others.

What we believe matters immensely. It dictates not just our lives but the lives of others. And I don't just mean what we believe as regards God and the Universe etc. No. I also mean what we believe about ourselves and about others.

If we believe children are born bad, 'in sin', then we are going to treat them differently to the way we would treat them if we believed they are born good. If we believe that we are different to others and have more control and talent, we can happily use a mobile phone whilst driving a huge lorry without fear of killing anyone. If we believe that people of a different race are not as worthy as us, we can stand by and watch the slaughter and do nothing. If we believe that people of a different sexuality to us are deviant, we can treat them as sub human, as lacking the same feelings of love and tenderness that we have. If we believe we are bad, we spend a lifetime wasting energy on the never ending effort to be good, all the while never feeling good enough. And if we feel like this, we are likely to form a religious conviction based upon this self hate and try to force this belief on others because we cannot tolerate others who think differently to us because it threatens our very being.

If we believe that by killing the children of those who hate us, we will end hatred, we will live and die with the consequences of that belief.

If we believe we are special, or chosen, and others are less than, we will reap the consequences.

If we believe that those who think differently from us are less worthy of life, are evil, then we live and die with the consequences of such a belief.

If we believe we are good in essence, if we have love and compassion and understanding for ourselves, we will have the same for others. We would not treat others the way we do. We would not be afraid of otherness. We would not create a God in our image and give him human attributes and be afraid of him. We would recognize that if we are children of a God then we are in the image of God. We are like God. We are the made of the same stuff as God. In the same way that a horse gives birth to horses, so we are made of the same stuff as God. Spirit. As such we cannot be bad. We cannot be separate, we cannot be other, we cannot be apart, or abandoned or destroyed. Spirit is eternal, indestructible. It is God. And we come from Spirit. God can no more cut us off than we can cut ourselves off.

We are responsible. The world we live in is our responsibility. Look around. WE created this world. Each of us. Each of us inhabits our own world. No two people inhabit the same world. We create it, each of us, our own version of the world. So we can change the world. We change it by changing ourselves, by changing our beliefs. It is our beliefs about the world, the meanings we have created around ourselves, our experience and what we see, that creates the world.

We do not see the world as it is, but as we are. This is not fanciful pseudo spirituality but scientific fact. We see the world as our brain interprets it, not as it is. We cannot see the world objectively. Ever. Everything, absolutely everything, is subjective. Objectivity is impossible.

It really is true that if we want to change the world we have to change ourselves.

This is not yet another reason to beat oneself up for not being good enough! Change is slow and can be painful. It is necessary though. For me . For you. For us all.

36 Days

Whitney wanted to join in.

Boy

Boy

Boy to keep.

Boy

Female-sold to the first legally married gay men we have met.

Female - to keep.

Female - to keep.

One of the other boys is also sold, but do not know which one.

Before these were born I said I wanted a male and 2 females to keep. I got my wish it seems. The three I have earmarked look very promising.

I have had a good day. I took two doses 6 hours apart and will take another before bed. I bathed two adults and 7 puppies with plenty of rest in between. I am now just going to do nothing and read and retire.

I think having a moan did me good but I do want to make it clear that I am not in agony 24/7! Not at all. Anyway, I fed up with this subject. I just wanted to spell out that there is no need to think I am suffering terribly, I am not, or that I am thinking of topping myself, I am not. I was just having a good old moan. I do think yesterday was the first in 5 years I have felt like that.

Live And Let Die

I don't know why but yesterday I just got really fed up with hurting all the time. I went to the pool and I got in to find it very hard to move. Not thru pain but thru weakness. I thought it would pass off but I had to admit defeat after just 2o laps. I then could barely get out of the pool. That was the start of me feeling sorry for myself.

I do believe in all the time this condition has been with me, this is the first time I jumped into my pity pot about it. I also felt angry about it. Still do. Today is not much better.

It is getting worse in small increments. I knew it would and I know it will progress further as time moves on. It used to be that I felt much relief when I lay down. Now that isn't so. No matter what I do, I can't sleep more than 5 hours without pain waking me up. I then have to struggle to get out of the bed. By the time I have done that, and thought about more pills, it is a waste of time as I am fully awake so I don't bother.

There is not one part of me that does not hurt. Even as I type this my hips are singing their annoying little ditty despite the drugs I took two hours ago. My hands too are singing harmony with my hips. There is an area, right between my shoulders, where the vertebrae are tender. I can't move my neck side to side. My feet crunch when I walk. If I keep still too long, I hurt like heel and then find it very hard to get up. If I stand too long, I hurt, if I lay too long, I hurt. No matter which way I do things, it bloody hurts.

Worse is the weakness or fatigue. Recently it has been more weakness than fatigue. There is a difference. With fatigue I feel achingly tired, a tiredness that sleep does not remove. With weakness I feel okay, not tired, though my body will just not do what I want it to do. I can't open jars, or even a bottle of Pepsi Max. Oh I can do it it just takes much effort. Moving is difficult. Like when I tried to swim yesterday.

Today, I have not gone to the pool. I have two dogs to bath today. That will be enough. I bath Micah last evening. I need to think about giving the pups their first bath. I do enjoy this. Bathing the dogs is relaxing and is worth the effort and whilst I am doing it I forget myself.

Normally, I am able to push my body's blasted song out of my consciousness. Quite why I couldn't yesterday and am having no success today I don't know. I understand it it pointless to moan about it, it won't go away.

It makes me angry to hear doctors who are anti euthanasia say that no one need die in pain, that modern care and drugs stop it. BOLLOCKS!!! It is a lie. People do die in pain because drugs do not work in many cases. I know this is true because I know several people who all died painfully despite good care and drugs. I also know that my own heavy duty drugs do not stop me feeling pain. They do make it less but then my pain is not as severe as cancer for example. It really pisses me off that people think they have the right to stop others doing what they want for themselves just because it goes against an idea they have. How dare they? What right have they got to insist that a person die in pain or suffer complete loss of dignity just because they cannot handle death? Or because they think their God wants someone to suffer a horrible death. As for playing God, what do they think they are doing? What is life support? What are antibiotics? What are all drugs and medical treatment? Is it not all interfering with the natural way? Of course it bloody is! And if the Drs stopped doing all they could to deny the inevitable, their powerlessness over death, perhaps so many people would not suffer at their hands.

The thing that frightens me the most about getting sick and dying is the falling into the hands of the doctors. Losing control. Because of the current law and the attitude of these people, anyone facing a horrible death has to commit suicide long before they are ready to because they cannot take the risk that they will not be able to and then be reliant on a loving person risking imprisonment or be under the control of doctors who will allow the disease to play on till it's last agonizing note.

If one allowed a dog to die in this way, you would face prosecution. Yet we insist that people die this way.

How simply wicked.

( I didn't know this is where my post today would go. Please do NOT read anything into it. I am no where near ready to pop my clogs thank you very much. My thoughts on euthanasia have been with me a long time and recently have been on my mind a lot. This post is not a cryptic way of saying I am thinking of ending my life. Far from it! I want as much time as possible. My condition is liveable with, very well, and is no reason to end it all. I just have the hump with it today. And as I am apt to do, my writing just goes off on a tangent.)

Cupid

I knitted these using my own Andersson method and utilizing the Mach II heel. I used KnitPicks 2.25mm circular needles, each sock knitted on it's own needle simultaneously. The yarn is from a German supermarket named Globus. Very cheap and food quality. 75% wool 25% nylon. The stitch pattern is a modification of a stich design I did for a sweater that was my first design published in a magazine, Machine Knitting Monthly.