Saturday, June 28, 2008



We did our shopping last night. A delightful black girl child smiled at me and I said hello to her. Like many children, I assumed she was fascinated by my wheelchair. This child was no more than 6 yrs old.

I was horrified when she started to proselytise!!! She wanted to tell me all about the Real Lord and give me a dvd. However, she didn't have it on her so would come the next day and maybe I would be there?

I smiled and said thank you and she skipped off to her father and brother, also very young. I wanted to beat the father up. I wanted him in court right there and then charged with child abuse. i wanted his children removed to a place of safety. I wanted him to see the great harm he was doing his children by forcing this fundamentalist crap onto his children. i wanted him to understand that what he was doing was evil. Of course, I did nothing, said nothing, but expressed my anger to John.

Later, I had to wait for quite sometime to use the disabled toilet. The door opened and who should walk out, all able bodied 6ft plus of him? Yes, the fundamentalist father. He gave me a look of disdain and promptly let the door slam shut! I guess his love of the Lord doe not extend to everyone.


I have a dilemma or an issue or whatever the right word is about my drugs. I avoid taking them. Not the heart drugs, BP drugs, stomach drugs or cholesterol drugs, but my pain killers.

I worry about the effect they have or may have. I can't figure out if they only kill the pain or if they make me mentally feel better. It is the latter than worries me. Let me explain.

I took a dose today because I have the dogs to bathe and prepare for the show tomorrow. Now, I had been somewhat grumpy most of the morning, short tempered, grotty. As I often am. An hour or so after taking the pills I am not only feeling little pain but also in a good mood. I just don't feel grumpy and grotty any more.

Now is that because the pain has abated or because the drugs are changing my mood? John says it's because I am not in pain. He says I don't look or behave 'high'.

I worry about it. These drugs are not paracetamol but heavy duty Tramadol. The pack warns of dependence. I approached the chemist about it when I picked up my last sript for them and her response was that I ought not be concerned as I was l unlikely to stop taking them as my disease is progressive so what did it matter? Not a helpful answer really.

I am used to hurting. What I don't like and am not always aware of, is my grumpiness. I become aware when I over react to a petty annoyance. Then I feel bad and think I am losing it to have got so angry over a trivial thing. I feel so much better when I take the pills, not grumpy. Not hurting either. You see my concern? Am I not grumpy as a direct result of the drug or am I not grumpy as a side effect of not hurting?

Then of course, I take the pills only when the pain is bad. Trouble is when I have 24/7 pain and I do not find it easy to know when to take drugs and when not to. I have got used to it. So I am often unaware of how much pain I am in. Until it abates and then I think 'phew', thank goodness that's eased off.

I am sure this is a confusion for me because of my ability to disassociate. A trick I learned as a child when being abused. Not new. Many, if not all, children who are abused do it. To survive.
Trouble is, it is causing problems. I went undiagnosed for years because I mostly disassociated from it. Not just that of course but also not having faith in drs and my main experience had been with drs that assumed anything that I complained of was 'in my head' and stress related. My present dr is not like that at all. In fact it was she who had to broach the subject of me being ill with me as I never mentioned it to her. She had watched me, the way i moved, the way I held myself, the way I spoke(at times slurring as if drunk), the look of exhaustion, the paleness, the sometimes lack of balance and of my clumsiness. She noted it all and eventually when she realised I was not going to bring it up, she did. She knew I wasn't hiding it or trying too. She correctly surmised that I had either suppressed it or was afraid to mention it for fear of being sent to a shrink. Once she did, I was surprised but went along with her. I went for the xrays, to the neurologist, the rheumatologist, for the thalium scan etc etc. Much to my surprise I really had physical problems and worse than I thought. It wasn't nothing after all. And it wasn't stress or my 'nerves' or 'in my mind'.

So here I am, off on a tangent again, wondering about these pills. Am I feeling a good mood because I am not in so much pain or am I feeling good because the pills make me feel good?

I still argue with myself over how much pain I am in anyway and whether or not take drugs in the first place. A lot of the time, I get around fine. Certainly in my home. I can't walk far with out impinging pain. But even my easy appearing movement indoors is done despite the crunching pain I feel or the deep aches. I move despite it. Another benefit of my being able to act as if. It is also a drawback as it can give the wrong impression as to my situation. Mind you, there are those times when nothing I do can hide the fact of it from me or anyone else. At such times, I am well and truly buggered!!

edit: I have never taken more than 200 mg of Tramadol in one day and have yet to take it for more than a couple of days in any one week so I am sure I do not get withdrawal from it.
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