I didn't swim today. I have finished up my cashmere sweater.( Yes, it's for me. )I have bathed Micah and I am knitting a pair of socks and watching the first series of Footballers Wives on DVD which is seriously awful and compulsive viewing. I have also re watched the first two Harry Potter films.
I find it hard to know when it is okay to stop and when I am being lazy. Well, I definitely need to rest today. I feel much better. Perhaps 1 mile a day swimming isn't going to work. I perhaps need to do it less than daily.
I have been wanting to write more about my 'dark night of the soul' of the last 6 months. I have learned so much from it and have much I could share about it. However, whenever I think about it, I just start crying again. I think just because of the enormity of it and because the agony of it is so fresh. I am glad I went through it. It has freed me and taught me more that I needed to know. Learning and growing never stop but hopefully it won't all be so painful!
One thing I have learned is that there is abuse far worse than physical, sexual and emotional.
It is mental abuse.
It is teaching a child WHAT to think instead of how to think. It is teaching a child self hate. It is teaching a child they have no value. It is teaching a child to fear themselves. It is teaching a child not to enjoy. It is teaching a child that pleasure is wrong. It is teaching a child they have no choice. It is teaching a child they are not worthy of respect. It is teaching a child they do not matter or count. It is teaching a child they are responsible for the pain and suffering of adults or of a man who was killed 2000 years ago. It is teaching a child they are born evil.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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3 comments:
Actually swiming every other day is better for you. It allows your muscles to rebuild themselves. This means less fatigue after exercise.
Also you walk how many dogs every day? Even slow walking is a form of aerobics and should be taken into account when you exercise.
Quelyn
I so understand your feelings about abuse. I am right there with you. It has taken years to be able to do things I enjoy without feeling guilty about them. It's alot easier to know we deserve good things and to feel that way. Hang in there!!
As for walking, I walk about 2 miles each day, and it took nearly two years before I actually felt good from it. It was very hard work. I also had to get my low thyroid managed.
I find this mental torment you have suffered at the hands of your abusers absolutely horrifying, you know now it isn't your fault nothing is, you were 'hoodwinked' into believing all this, and for that I am saddened for you.
Yes the lost years will haunt you, not that you want to have them back, but of what you 'could' have had, in the right hands. But, you have analysed it to your own credit and will now work on sorting out those files held in your brain store, and re-teach your brain to look at the reality of it all.
You were brought up by ignorant people and I don't know what you are meant to have learnt by this road you were pushed onto, but I know you have side stepped it at last and found your own road, it's good and strong, and you are rebuilding the real you. Of course it hurts and tears flow, let them, you've nothing to be ashamed of hon, and the tears will wash your soul and free you...now that you've released the pressure you will gradually hurt less but it takes time.
Know I, and many others who read this blog are there for you, day or night...take encouragement from our strength of will, and go in Peace Love and light...higz Cher x
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