KNITTING PROOF

This is the alpaca sweater i am knitting for my self in a simple knit/purl check. I am using two ends of Drops alpaca on 4mm needles. I am using Lantern Moon Ebony Circulars.

This is John's aran sweater. I am using 5mm Lantern Moon Ebony circulars. The yarn is Cascade 200 and the design is my own.

This is another pair of socks for me. I am using Karbonz in 2.25mm size. the yarn is by Wendy and it just caught my eye. I am going to knit this a s a tube sock.

I am pretty sick at the moment and have been since Cruft's back on the 8th. I expected to feel really bad the two days after the show but that feeling didn't lift and I gradually got worse and worse until finally I developed a fever (tho now I think I had one a lot sooner than i realised) and difficulty breathing. I had been taking more and more pain killers because my joints were on fire and I was hurting much more. Anyway, I finally went to the Dr today and I had a temp of 38c and a chest infection for which I now have anti-biotics. I should have gone last week of course but didn't want to make a fuss!

NO END POINT

I thought I was okay when I woke up, having slept well. As the hours have passed, I have become aware that I don't feel okay at all. I feel afraid today. What of I am not sure. The future? How my disease is progressing?

The last few weeks have been emotionally charged. The build up to Cruft's which I dreaded attending and then really enjoyed. Mary-Grace did very well too. The recovery from it. Trying to make peace within myself with regard to someone who hurt me deeply. Not sure I can. Yet I hate discord with people. If I were not going to see them again it wouldn't matter I suppose but I am likely to and it is preferable for me that I feel okay about it. I made a move in that direction which seems to have had a positive result but I find my feelings toward them are not resolved. In time they will be. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give the impression I have forgotten and all is well. There will never be trust there. It isn't about dislike or ill feeling. It's about trust. I don't trust them and never will. Can I live with that and still be friendly?

We are still in the process of getting the house sorted out. I think we have come to accept that we will never be clutter free. Given that, there is still stuff to be done. A tonne of rubbish to be removed to the tip. This is when I get frustrated. I can't do any of this on my own. It only gets done during the four days John is here and there is a limit to what he can manage too.

I still struggle with misplaced guilt. Feeling guilty that we are in such a fortunate position now. Enjoying what we have and our financial freedom. The difference is that I know it is misplaced or more to the point, is unnecessary as misplaced suggests I should be feeling guilty about something else. I was brought up to feel guilty. I was programmed, deliberately, to feel guilty. I have come a long long way from those dark days but as I have written and said a hundred times, more probably, the remnants of those days still haunt one. There is no 100% recovery. There is so end point, no destination, only a progression, a growing toward, no arrival. If I think about that, it is really obvious. An end point? A time when growth stops? No more learning? That sounds like stagnation to me. Death even. 

Perhaps I can grow beyond feeling guilt and shame when I am in a dip and just accept it is part of life, part of our learning, part of the process of knowing. I have more or less stopped feeling guilt and shame with regard to my physical problems. Juts the mere fact of being in pain made me feel ashamed and thus I went untreated and unknowing for so many years. Even since my diagnosis back in '04, and my accepting pain medication in 07, I have had strong feelings of both not just about the pain itself about the medications. Guilt because I must have done something to cause this and guilt over using drugs to help me. Shame for being weak and not good enough to overcome this myself. (Guilt is about what we do and shame is about who we are.)

My stomach has settled somewhat since I started to write. I never know what I shall write until I start to write. I note how frequently I express fear, guilt and shame. This is not surprising. All abuse survivors will know these feelings intimately. A moment here to explain that there was a time I did not know these feelings because i had locked them all away. When people spoke to me about them, I had no idea what they meant. In self help groups people would talk about their feelings. Some would show their feelings and I would be horrified and feel such a fraud because I did not feel like that. in fact there were those who indeed thought I was a fraud too because I did not share these feelings. What I did not know, and what these people did not know, was that I was numb. I was so terrified of my feelings, of experiencing what had been done to me, I had disassociated completely. Thus I was able to relate a horror that had been done to me with no emotion. this is the danger of self help groups. there will always be people in them who think they 'know' and they are a danger to the weak and vulnerable, like me. Inevitably they come across someone like me and I am outside their 'knowing' so they dismiss those like me as frauds or 'too sick to help'. I guess this attitude is part of their damage too. I only know that for me, it heaped more damaged upon me and had me barking up the wrong tree for the recovery I was so desperate to achieve.

I received the best compliment I could have received recently. My long time friend, longer even than John, said to me that she did not know anyone, not one person, who had wanted recovery more than i did, who had fought for it harder than I did, and who had succeeded as much as I have. See, she knew me back when I was 20. She has also known many many damaged people throughout her life and so I took her words as the compliment they are. I often wish I wish I could show those who read me, who are still struggling deeply, the frightened very damaged boy i sued to be. i cannot do that. I can only share with you my life today and my memories and my thoughts and I hope I do it honestly enough that it gives hope.

ENDING THE WIND PROBLEM

We have just spent 90 minutes watching a woman called Jeanne Robertson, a 'humourist' from North carolina. She was very funny. Gentle humour without any rude bits at all. I love the accent. I have no problem with rude humour but I really like this woman too. 

I am knackered. I am off to bed. I had a good physio session today. I was a good boy and didn't just swim, I did what the hospital told me to do and did these weird exercises involving my legs and groin which when I was first shown I thought to myself 'are they taking the piss or what? These are really easy. I not a cripple for goodness sake (well actually it was for f*cks sake).' It turns out they knew what they were talking about after all which i suppose since they have medical degrees and I have no education past 15 is not too surprising. These exercises are bloody hard to do and thank goodness I get to do them in the water and not on land cos if they were on land, i'd fall over on the concrete and that would really not be good. Quick thinking, Batman. I suppose a medical degree is useful after all. I have no idea if the physio works or not but it hurts. That either means it is working or that they don't like me. 

Well, early in the morning a man is coming around to fill my hole. I have been meaning to have it filled ever since we moved in here, 14 years ago. Now finally, I found the right man to do it. I had asked Ernie the builder but I guess Ernie the builder didn't care very much for filling my hole as he never did get around to doing it. Well, it has to be done because on windy days the wind comes right through and it is really noisy. It can be quite scary and even the dogs move away from it and turn and stare at it. So finally, my hole is being filled and this should not just stop the wind problem but also prevent the heat escaping too. The coal and then the natural gas fire that used to fill my hole is no longer there, hence the hole. It really isn't necessary for it to be there and when I think about it, 14 years with it unfilled is just,well, unthinkably unthinkable. So tomorrow a man named Howard is going to fill it and we shall leave him to do it in private because of the next paragraph.

I feel like going out tomorrow so we shall. We will our usual exciting trip to John Lewis where the staff know us so well it's a wonder they haven't stuck 'sale' stickers on us. As odd as it may seem, i find it de-stressing to just wheel around the mall and looking at stuff. i look at stuff I am never going to buy. I am always taken aback, every time, at just how big some bras are. Blimey! I had no idea boobs came in that size. I see some very nice hand bags which I ponder upon but decide I like my balls and I really am not going to get rid of them just because I love that orange hand-bag. Women are so lucky with the variety of stuff they 
can wear. 

I am trying to persuade Joh to have swap our 40" for a 46". I have told him that now we have an electric bed, we can have the 40" on the wall opposite the bed. We can watch DVDs in bed and be situated just right to do so. You see, we replaced a very expensive Blu-Ray player for another very expensive Blu-Ray player (both 3D too). We have one very expensive BD player under the settee. I have told him that really is a waste of a very expensive BD player and wouldn't it make more sense to buy another very expensive tv, this 46" one, to put on the wall in the lounge and move the 40" one that is presently there, upstairs to the bedroom where we can then use to watch the very expensive BD player that is going to waste under the settee? Doesn't that make sense to you? It does to me.

PUTTING ON MY FACE

I went to Crufts yesterday. On the Wednesday I was absolutely dreading going and I really thought that I might not. I just could not face the idea of having to put on the show persona that I do in order to make the shows doable.

 Yet after my swim on Thursday morning I came home and within about 10 minutes I had come up with my outfit for the show. This enabled me to contemplate actually attending.

I showed Mary-Grace. It was a very difficult decision even to enter Crufts in the first place. If I did not enter I would have hurt a dear friend and I would have given in to the nasty aspect of the dog came. Yet by entering, if Mary Grace did well, then this nasty element would be thrilled to bits to have something they can bitch about and make themselves feel happier by putting both me and the judge down.

When Mary-Grace one limit bitch I was completely shocked. In fact I did not realise that I had one I thought that the judge had just picked out the first cut. It was the steward who told me that Mary Grace had been placed first. So if you were at the show and you are reading this now you know why my face look the way it did and why I did not have a big grin on my face!

The open bitch winner was absolutely gorgeous and in full bloom and I knew that Mary-Grace would not win the bitch ticket. In fact I was not expecting anything else at all. So when Mrs Cain  came up to me to present Mary-Grace with the reserve bitch ticket I was once again shocked. Of course I was absolutely delighted.

It was an incredibly long day. I think I did not get into the ring until 4 PM and I had been up since 2 AM and at the shows since 6 AM.

It was lovely to meet so many people and have so many people come up and introduce themselves to me because they are friends on Facebook or just because they had heard of me and they wanted to wish me well. It was also a delight to have the owners of one of the boys out of my present litter watch me in the ring and of course see me win.

 I got home about 8 PM in absolutely vile foggy weather. I went to bed soon after and I got up at midday and of course I feel as though I have been run over by a truck. I got through yesterday with much more medication than I would normally take, which is allowed by my doctor because she knows that dog shows are an integral part of my quality-of-life. Today will probably be just an ordinary day as regards the amount of medication.

I have deliberately not named any of the friends that I met some of whom I have not seen for a long time. I will not mention any people by name because I'm bound to leave some out and I do not wish to hurt anybody's feelings.  You know what my memory is like!

Mary-Grace is for me the ideal Lhasa Apso.  She is feminine yet sturdy. She is very well angulated without exaggeration.   She covers the ground effortlessly and with the economy of movement needed in their natural   environment of the Himalayan mountains.  Her skull is moderately narrow rather than the moderately broad that many seem to prefer and her nose is half the  length of her skull. Meaning that her nose is one third of the length from the tip of nose to the occiput.  Now that covers her qualities as a show dog but she surpasses all of that with her most delightful personality. She is incredibly affectionate and she is very smart. She is not the easiest of dogs when it comes to other dogs and she does not back down easily once she decides that she will dominate another! Some puppies she adores and other puppies she does not and we have absolutely no idea what makes the difference! She is very typically weird as all Lhasa Apso are!

POSITIVITY IS NOT DENIAL

I have the puppies to vaccinate today at 4pm. I am lucky that I have a vet who is a personal friend, Cere Vidal. She is lovely. Dumbo here did not realise that when she left the local practice she had moved to an independent surgery just 20m away. I only found this out when we spent the day together recently and had lunch in the place we had our wedding dinner. So now she is who I go to. She is Spanish. It is one of those occasions I really wish my mum had brought us up bi-lingual. Cere speaks excellent English it just reminds me that i missed out on another language. I have no aptitude for languages as an adult. I've tried.

I fell asleep last night right here in my computer chair. My balance was terrible last night too. It seems okay this morning.

The sun is shining and I have plenty to do today. Nothing I have to do except go to the vet. So I think I shall design and set up DAK8 on the new PC. I have to say that I really quite impressed with W8. I have had no trouble with it. the Samsung PC is easy to use. It is touch screen and mouse controlled. Easy to find stuff.

I am not going to lie and say I feel on top form today. I don't. It is just these days though that the mental work I have done, the positivity, comes into play. In the past days like to day would have been spent miserable and in bed or raiding the fridge. Instead, I accept today is not my best, do what i can do, like play with the PC and knit. Keeping in mind that this will not last and that there are those far worse off.

This isn't mental gymnastics. Nor is it denial or whistling in the dark. it's true. YOU decide what to dwell upon. What you dwell upon tends to grow. So if I dwell on my body and how unfair it is that I have this damn disease the result will be misery and a person not fun to bea around. So instead I dwell upon the truth: I have a wonderful husband, my dogs, good friends, the ability to use my mind, my creativity-I can hand paint yarn when i physically can-I can knit, I can read. i have so many interests and not enough hours each day. (I could dwell upon how I can't do all I want to do). 

So you see, it isn't lying to one's self nor is it a mental game or trickery. It's the truth. you can decide what to dwell upon. the negative of the positive. It isn't what soem New Age guru's cruelly teach people-that they can cure their disease by thought and either overtly or covertly blame people for their diseases. no. This is dealing with what actually is and deciding which of the two choices-negative or positive-we will choose at any given time. Choosing the positive will make your life easier. it won;t make you rich and it won't cure you of all your ills. It will just make you happy despite the crap. (I know a person who always thinks on the negative. She always moans and it is always her so hard done by and nothing is ever her fault, always others. Well, within a year of being diagnosed with the same disease, she is permanently in a wheelchair and totally dependent and still blaming everyone and still moaning. Perhaps a change in attitude would have made no difference to the progression of her disease but it most certainly would have made her and those around her happier.)

Dinner Time 24 02 2013

DOG SHOW NASTIES

I have noticed that those who complain about horrible people are in the dog game are usually those who are the reason! You know what I mean. Those who complain about the gossip and the back stabbing. They are usually right in the centre of it. That doesn't mean i don't think they are genuinely upset by it. I think they just don't see how they create the bad atmosphere that they complain about. There is a couple that both John and I have been polite and friendly to. they don';t know us because they have never been polite enough to respond in anything but the most perfunctory way. Yet I know, for a very brief conversation, that they too complain  about how mean people are yet they themselves are hardly friendly, all but ignoring John and only just managing to respond if I say Good Morning. Why do people do this? Don't they realise we all feel the same way? we can feel hurt. we all can feel mistrust. What if we stopped the crap, looked at ourselves and saw just how we contribute to it? I know that for myself, I have reigned in my attempts at friendliness and openness. i wrote a letter of support to someone and it was interpreted in the most negative of ways and I was made out to be the villain yet it was the person themselves who carried the venom not me. So now I don't even try to encourage or support or compliment. However, i will NOT allow myself to become brittle and unfriendly. Will you? Do we want a dog world like this? Do we want to use FB for back stabbing? Do we want to use it as just another way of being cruel and mean spirited? The under hand remarks made about Deita and why she won. Stupid. they come from a place of jealousy. far better to put your energy into breeding a quality dog so that you too can enjoy the wins and have to listen to people like you deride every win! Those that forever bleat on about the crookedness and unfairness are not seen as paragons of virtue by others. no we see you as bitter and twisted especially when you show inferior dogs to boot! (This is where they won't even see themselves!) I know that I have a good friend in someone who, were the gossips to be believed, is nasty egomaniac. i now know this not to be true and I am embarrassed to have let it get to me in the first place. Not that i am alone. I am not how others were led to believe either.  As you can see from my very open views of my home and dogs, they are not stacked in cages to the ceiling and I do not breed many litters every year. These two things were spread about 'virtuous' people and were the reason I was kicked out of a breed club. Don't be daft, of course no one apologised! They have just looked for other reasons to do me down. The baffling thing is that these people believe they are the virtuous ones. seriously. It is they who complain about mean people are. They don't see their own behaviour . I had put it all behind me and did my best to be befriend and kind and friendly. That was a mistake for which i was punished and a lesson I have learned. some people are just mean spirited and nothing I do will alter that.

No we cannot change others. That leaves us with the most powerful tool at our disposal. We change ourselves. Yes. We make sure that we do not add to the shit. Never repeat anything we are told by another about another and never believe it either! don't rubbish a dog you have never been over. Don't rubbish a dog you have been over and if you are a judge you most certainly ought not be talking about those dogs you have had the privilege of going over unless it is in positive terms. It is childish to refuse to speak to people. A polite Good Morning is all that is required. It gets really stupid to have load of people sitting around not talking to each other!

If we want our hobby, (it's a hobby, we are not searching for the cure to cancer) to be a happy enjoyable one, then we have to make it one. yes, i know it's hard to be nice and friendly to people you know do you down at every opportunity they get. Ironically, if we don't continue to be who we are, they win and we become who they say we are! If who you are is suspicious, distrusting, cynical, then perhaps you ought not be int he game or you need to put some serious effort into personal change.

Oh, I know that none of the above is going to make going to make going to shows a blissful experience! Of course not. Most will dismiss this as the ramblings of a wanker. That's okay. I know from experience though, through listening, that there are people who are very decent and nice people and they suffer as the result of this atmosphere. THEY don't have to. By refusing to let others dictate how they behave or react, they can take control of their own selves and come to find the shows enjoyable despite those who would have it otherwise.

It does the breed harm in the long run. New people are not welcomed. Good breeders are afraid of being stung. Judges take any questions about their judging as criticism and are very defensive so people don't bother to ask questions. Another avenue of learning blocked. The knowledge of the successful long term breeders is blocked because they are rubbished by those around for a year or two who think they know it all. Vicious campaigns of lies started by those who think their pets ought to win and think they don't because of who they are instead of recognising that their dog is not quality enough to win.

There IS judging that is crooked or ignorant. This game involves humans. they are still in the minority. 

No one is suggesting that we look only though rose coloured glasses at the game. No. Only that we look to ourselves, our own behaviour, our own attitude and ask ourselves how we contribute to this game. Is it negative or positive? It's quite easy. ask yourself if this is positive or negative: I am not speaking to him, because so and so said he doesn't like my dog. I am not speaking to them because they didn't place my dog. It doesn't take much looking at to find the answer. 

None of us is perfect, no, but not all of us are mean of spirit either. And yes, some of us when hurt, contribute in negative ways which we are not aware of and would be ashamed if we were. 

Well, that is my ramblings on this subject. It was triggered by the fact that I hear so often about how 'awful' people in our breed are and the realisation that those saying this contribute to the awfulness! It is always someone else's fault. well, no its' not. We each create the atmosphere under which we show our dogs. So the responsibility is ours.

PlayTime 22 02 2013

AN ORDINARY DAY ( FOR AN ABLE-BODIED MAN!)

 I wake up and not for the first time. This time I decide that I have had enough of trying to get comfortable. I shuffle over to the side of the bed so that I can reach my sidetable wear I find my drugs. 

In a small tray lays 800 mg of gabapentin, 20 mg of morphine, 100 mg of tramadol, 500 mg of paracetamol, 75 mg of aspirin, 25 mg of atenolol, and 200 mg of  colofac. 

If I manage to get the drugs out of the tray and into my hand without spilling any I swallow them all in one go with a sugarfree drink out of a bottle. Never water because my mouth tastes like the bottom of  a bird tray.

I then have to wait at least 40 minutes before I feel capable of getting out of bed. Before we got our electric bed, I would shuffle myself to the side of the bed and then allow myself to fall out of bed so that I fell onto my knees. I would then use the radiator and the bed to support myself as I got up onto my feet. Now with the electric bed I press the button until the back support has risen to almost vertical. I then move my legs until they fall down the side of the bed. I shuffle along a couple of feet on my bum and then I press another button which raises the part which I am sat on until I raised so much that I am standing. Using the wall for support I put on my slippers and grab my walking stick. I'm now ready to go downstairs. I take the stairs slowly and the two dogs that sleep with me wait patiently at the top of the stairs until they know it is safe for them to come down as well.

I can now manage to let the dogs out and make myself a coffee. I take my coffee and I go and sit at the computer. During my time at the computer the effect of the drugs increases and I then feel able to do more demanding jobs such as getting myself a meal.

What I have described above is an ordinary day and you will note that I have not included showering nor dressing. Only on a very good day can I do either of these things without help.

On a swimming day,  I will add 20 mg of oxycodone or another 20 mg of morphine to my morning dose. This will enable me to get to the pool to take off my pyjamas put on my  swimming trunks and swim. After my swim I can barely walk. However I have a nice large room kitted out for the disabled and using the hoists and supports and the bed I can manage to shower and put my pyjamas back on. What I cannot do is dry myself completely as I cannot dry my back so I invariably and putting pyjamas on a wet body.

On a bad day, I will not be able to get out of bed at all without doubling or tripling the amount of morphine. I most certainly would not be able to dress or wash.

On a dog show day, I have two get up to and a half hours before I need to leave. My clothes have all been set out  the day before. The day before the amount of painkiller I use is increased and I also take a large dose of sleeping pill. I then go through the usual process of getting myself ready. Although I do of course automatically increase the amount of drug I take first thing, I am sure that the adrenaline that has begun to course through my body helps me do what it is I must.

By the time I have arrived at the show I am of course in a lot of pain because of the drive. However as I am usually the first person to arrive I have plenty of time to take more drugs and to wait for them to take effect. I then find where I need to be and I take all of my stuff and my dogs to that place using a trolley which is now electrified so that I do not have to push it.

I sit at ringside all day until it is time for me to show my dog. With any luck I will not be kept on my feet for very long and I will not be asked to move many times. We have one or two judges that like to have you going around in circles after circle after circle while they make up their minds what they are doing. I will not show under these judges now and to be honest I don't really think they know what they are doing. I think it totally unnecessary to move our breed five times in one class.

During this day, I am acting. One, because despite what people may think I am an introverted person.  I do enjoy the dressing up very much and it is a distraction from the way I walk.  Two,  by acting and interacting I am able to push my physical difficulties into the background. I recall quite vividly at one dog show where I had just won best of breed. I was moving my then un electrified  trolley to the group ring when another exhibitor saw me and said, you didn't win then. I replied that yes I had one best of breed. His response was you look miserable. What this person had seen was me with my guard down and the look on my face was pain.

When I arrive home from a show, I go straight to bed.   John will unpack the car and deal with the dogs. Later he will come up to the bedroom and  help me get undressed or if I have fallen asleep he will undress me.

The following day I will be incapable of doing very much at all. I certainly will not get out of bed without double or treble morphine and I will then have a very quiet day. I will sleep most of it. The day after I will be almost back to normal as described above.

Everything I describe here is a normal day. It does not describe the bad day or a terrible day, just a normal day.

Some people think I am able-bodied.

Knitman's Method

KNIT AND KNAT

  This is knitted using two ends of Drops alpaca.  I am using 4 mm needles. In this case the needles are the Lantern Moon ebony interchangeables.  They are truly excellent. I knitted another sweater using this exact same yarn back in 2007.
(   Alpaca Sweater )

 The yarn  I am using is Cascade 220.  This will be a sweater for John. The design is my own. Once again I am using Lantern Moon Ebony interchangeables  in 5 mm this time.  What you see is just the swatch.  I designed the chart using Design A Knit 8.  I upgraded from DAK7. I am so far very pleased.  This really took the headache out. I was able to chart the above and consequently setting the first two rows  of knitting was very easy.   At the moment it seems as if this will be wide enough for the measurement that I require for the sweater! I just have a few more rows to do and then I shall wash it and try it and measure it.

 Very clever of you to have noticed that these are not knitted. I've bought two new  pairs of Dr Martens.  Aren't they gorgeous?



 This is one of the puppies that were six weeks old yesterday. I will be keeping this one and also her black and white brother and her gold and white sister. I will not be keeping the two girls permanently but will be running both on until I decide which one I shall keep. They will all be getting their microchips done today.

PUSSY'S PUPS 5W6D 14 02 13

ACCEPTING TRUTH

DISABLED SOULS

  oh my! I knew a dr who had spine surgery and she told me to never allow that. I have also known others have it who say the same thing. Only one I know had aand she doesn't regret it BUT with her it was have it or not be able to walk. For her, she can walk, but like me is in constant pain.

At the risk of sounding self-pitying, I really don't understand why people don't understand that being in 24/7 IS disabling. It means one is disabled. I am not able to live a normal life. Disability doesn't just cover para or quadriplegics or the mentally affected. Frequently not being able to dress myself, frequently unable to get out of bed unaided, always unable to walk unaided, and mostly in a wheelchair for any distance more than in my house. In my house I tend to okay because I usee furniture and walls to balance myself. Plus if you are visiting, then I ma okay that day so to you, unless you really know me, I won't appear to be what most term disabled. This govt have made is so we are the targets of resentment and bitterness from others now.

 I feel guilty on my good days. Two weeks ago when i seized completely and could barely move and had to ask for outside help to get my meds for me, I actually felt PLEASED! Pleased because I was really suffering and this showed just how disabled I am. That is stupid! On my good days I feel guilty. I feel I am not earning my disability!

How many people go to the pool in their pj's? I do because if I get undressed to get dressed, to only get undressed and dressed again, I wouldn't be able to swim!

I feel guilty doing what i enjoy-dog shows. Never mind the 2.5hrs I need before I can leave my home, never mind the copious amount of morphine I need, never mind the two days recovery I need, with the first spent in agony, pills don't help much on that day. Do i complain. NO! I enjoy the show so i pay the price. That price though alos includes nasty minded people being extremely
 unkind which i did not even think about because that is not how my mind works and despite my background I am still shocked by the mean spiritedness of some and by my own naivety. 


During this cold weather, I am BORED! I went out today with John. We went into a supermarket type shop. I was very stiff by the time we got back to the car, not because I walked, but because it was cold. I get cold very quickly and cold leads to pain and stiffness and the inability to move much at all, thus more cold. Still, I went to Panini's with John, dragging out as much time as I could OUT of my house. Even with all I can do indoors, the dogs, music, tv, dvd, the iMac, FB, I still need to get out! 

How anyone in their right mind can think i am able I have no idea. How normal is it to take 2hr43mins to get up and shower and dress and ready to go out?  On a good day? (we had to time it for the tests).
Or is it I am too happy to be disabled? Too upbeat? Too independent. I don't ask for help at shows? Unless I fall over then I have no choice. Perhaps people forget about the times I fall over. Both in the ring and out. 

yes, I do handle all this well and no one likes a moaner but then one gets accused of being a fraud, a liar precisely ebcause of having the attitude that is good! 

What is the point of moaning and cry and ranting? It won't make me well.You know what i did when i was first diagnosed properly and knew I was fucked with no chance of getting better? I got in my car and DROVE to OSLO, NORWAY! It was November. It almost killed me and I was in agony most of the time and I was only fit enough to walk up and down, once, King whatever his name is street. But I DID it and knew I would never be able to again. And here I am 8 years later and I no i can't drive to Norway again. The IMPORTANT thing is that I drove to Oslo, Noway. I got see Norway, a little. I think that is amazing even if others see it as proof I am fit!

So i still say f*ck you to those who would do me down. i refuse to be miserable. I WILL wring every last ounce of joy out of my life. 

I may have severe problems with my body and be limited by it but YOU have severe problems of another sort and they have crippled your soul.

CHANGING OUR MINDS

Good morning! No, have not just got up but I have jobs to do first thing. Getting out of bed is the first job: better with the electric bed once I find the right buttons. Don't ask what happens when I don't. Then the dogs have to be let out and the squawking seagulls, I mean puppies,  now have to be let out too. Then Pussy and Megan get fed. then the puppies get fed. The adults know my drugs have not kicked in so watch out that i don't fall on them. Even Megan has cottoned on to that.

Be positive! Every cloud has a silver lining as they say. I have suffered body dysmorphia since my teens. I would look in a mirror and all I saw was a fat hideous hunchback of Notre Dam figure, even when I only weighed 7stone. I pretty much dealt with this by refusing to have a mirror. I had only a small one for many years to shave. 
Well, when I had my epiphany that all changed. We now have two large mirrors. On my bad days I don't look because if I do, I hate what i see. On my good days I see Daniel Craig. THAT is the silver lining I was referring to. It does get better, it really does. If you want it to and are prepared to do what it takes and what it takes is that you change your mind. Seriously. There is no magic pill, no magic answer. We just need to change our minds. It is of course the most difficult thing in the world to do. We often don't know what our mind is, let alone that it needs changing. For me, I had to realise that the ideas I had been taught, were just that, ideas, nothing more, and that i could create my own ideas, ideas that would enable me to live without fear and shame which was destroying me. To realise that my parent's opinion of me, the Church's opinion of me, my brother's opinions of me, were just that, opinions and nothing more, I was free. Once I realised that all any of us have is ideas. I had to change mine. The first and biggest problem I faced was to ditch the idea that if I told about the abuse, God would strike me down dead. The first six months of telling were among the most frightening of my life. So much so that I did lose it for a while. But as time wore on and I was still alive I began to realise that my therapist was right. Nothing happened bad happened to me for telling the truth.

Over the years, my ideas about myself, about life, about other people changed. I know they changed for the better because I have such a good life today. I always find that when I feel bad, it is I who needs to change MY thinking on the matter. Be it getting rid of the person, as sometimes that is how our idea must change, we change our mind about it being good for us to have such a person in our lives, or we have to change our attitude to a problem.

All of our problems from abuse, addiction, fear, shame, shyness, all of them respond only to a change in us. Deep within us. A complete overhaul of the way we think. It is simple but in practice it is not and is extremely painful but so worth doing. I am so glad I no longer live the life I used to live, in it's horrible dark dark day after day of suffering, years on end. Today, I don't often suffer in that way. My body suffering is a doddle by comparison.

If I can, you can. You just have to be prepared to change your mind. Literally. The difficult part will be finding out what your mind is. Meaning,, finding out what you really believe. That is really very astonishing. I was gobsmacked to discover some of my core beliefs about myself and others and the world. My core belief was that I was evil and unloveable and unacceptable. Once we knew that, we had to find out what the ideas were that made me think that. Well, I wasn't loved or liked or accepted by my own parents so obviously I was no good.  Not obvious at all. I eventually after years of work, came to realise that the problem hadn't been me but them. WOW! That had not occurred to me. It also wasn't that simple. i couldn't possibly believe that. if I did, God would smite me. After all, one has to Honour Thy Parents. 

I am always surprised at what I write once I start. So here you have it, my thoughts this cold and wet morning. I am happy.

Pussy's Pups 5wks

ONE POUND AT A TIME

The puppies really scoffed down their morning meal. I forgot to leave food for them during the night which is a good thing really. They have to learn to eat when given. They certainly were on this straight away even tho mum's milk bar was available.

I seem okay today. Just the usual boring details.  Will be a day of getting to grips with my program and letting dogs and pups in and out.

Whatever it is you have to do which may seem daunting, cut it down into small chunks in your mind. That way things become easier. It is why the idea of living one day at a time is often passed along. It helps and is obvious. We only ever have to think about the time from getting up to getting back to bed. That doesn't mena one doesn't plan ahead but don't fret on plans next week, or next month. No just think about today.

I once weighed 21st7lbs (303lbs). The idea of losing as much as I needed to was beyond daunting. So i didn't think about it. i thought of only losing one pound. I weighed myself every single day. Yes because I couldn't weigh myself once a week and be hit by disappointment-dangerous. So every morning, after loo, undressed. Eventually each pound lost brought me down to 13st (182lbs). In the last 5 years I have kept it off until last year which as you know was very stressful and I could exercise very little. I put on 14lbs. I am also much sicker now than I was back then. So I have done well. but it was a pound at a time.

These sayings , like a day at a time, may sound trite, but they are for real if we stop and think. If we are all over the shop, feeling crap, and in a mess, our way clearly isn't working. We need to find solutions. Finding solutions doesn't mean getting addicted to the latest New Age craze or fundy religion-yes both are addictions of the mind. No, it means starting with the little things. No matter if it's OCD (been there doen that and sometimes go back), weight loss, hoarding, needing to clean up the house. Just little chunks at a time. 

All we have is now. That is all we deal with. How we deal with now determines the next now. xo

DARLING LITTLE F*CKERS

The joy of puppies! I put them all out for maybe 30mins and they cry and whinge to come back. I pout them back in their fresh clean pen. They pee and poop! They then cry to go back out. So dutiful master puts the little dears back outside. After a while, they cry to come back in and when I go to get them, half are trying to sleep, shivering away, on the cold concrete. I put them in the clean and fresh pen again. Since then they have been playing at 'lets be a flock of seagulls'.Darling little f*ckers!

I slept well again. (I just checked the seagulls and in fact it's only one making the recket-the girl I am planning on keeping. Typical!) 

As I was having a pee and scratching my belly I noticed that there was definitely less of it and I could see the sides had all but disappeared.(there is a mirror above the loo). I weighed myself and indeed another 2lbs have gone. My Dr's fear and mine, that i might have to drop a drug or two from my arsenal were unfounded. i must day though that 1. I am back to regular swimming and being sensible about not knackering myself and forcing myself to get up at 5 every day. It seems alternate days is adequate. 2. my appetite has decreased a lot. That was another thing-the new drug does have increased appetite as a side effect. Maybe it has just gone away? Whatever, it's working for now and for that i am pleased. the awful fatigue is not with me either. Now that I really am grateful for. Fatigue is worse than pian in my book. It is hard to describe to someone who has not experienced it. It is not tiredness. Its like your body, your limbs, are heavy concrete and you have to move through treacle.

Unusually, I am stuck for puppy names. I have yet to decide on the names for the three I am keeping. yes, for now, i will be keeping two of the girls and 1 boy. Clearly I will not need two girls but I cannot perceive a difference quality wise right now. By 8 weeks I might well have.

I was going to go for Tantra's Alexander for the black and white boy because a dog I much admired from a photograph was a top winner called Ch Cheska Alexander. it was Cheska Lhasa Apso that first caught my eye and gave me my love of these dogs. Anyway, i could not live with calling my dog Alex. that name has bad associations for me and no matter how i would try, I would remember why every time I called him! Besides, I think that for me, that maybe this dog name should just be left to that dog I admired so much.

I know I said one of the girls would be Tantra's Fabulous Fanny because the Tibetan terrier that won Cruft's about 3 years ago was called Ch Araki Fabulous Willy. Now I am not so sure I will.

One also has to find names that are not to similar to the dog's ear. Like I was going to call Megan Wendy but when I called Wendy, Whitney came running.

My Lantern Moon circulars were absolutely lovely to wok with. I have only knitted a swatch, using a hairy alpaca, but it was smooth and easy, no snagging. the weight in my hands was good. The warmth too. I was concerned about the shorter than i am used to tips but have found that shorter tips are better for me!

Well, my drugs have kicked in so I must take advantage and go and bath my Pussy. She is looking decidedly ragged though nowhere near what you'd expect from rearing 6 puppies. She has done such a good job. Her weight is still plump too. 

SHAMING THE DISABLED

KNITTING

 I am glad to say that my muse is back. I have several sweaters planned to hand knit and I am working up to using my knitting machines that are now set up.

I have been on a bit of a spending spree with regard to interchangeable needles sets. The latest acquisition is one which I still cannot quite believe that I bought. You can see them above. I have yet to knit with them as I have only just unpacked them. They feel lovely in the hand, are a good weight, and feel very smooth. if you want to know how much the set is, Google it!

 As you can see they are indeed Lantern Moon Ebony Interchangeable Needles.

These are the yarns I am intending to use:

 The Cascade yarn at the top is for John and it will be an Aran.  The  Drops alpaca is going to be a textured knit  for myself and I also have the same yarn in a lovely moss green. The Alaska will also be an Aran and that will be for me.   Finally,  the Peace Fleece  yarn will also be an Aran for myself.

 I use a design software program called Design A Knit  for my machine knitting. I have been wondering whether to upgrade to version 8 and I have decided that yes I will because I will be able to chart out my Aran designs.  This will make life much easier for me as I will not have too use pieces of paper and numbers that I keep in my head. I was still basically only need the chart to do my foundation rows  unless of course the pattern changes as the sweater progresses or I decide to do something like Raglan in which case I will print out the full instructions. I have always done all this in my head but I confess that it has been increasingly more difficult to do the more painkillers that I have to take.

Once I have found a folding table that is lightweight I will also be back to dyeing my yarns for sale.

 DISABILITY

This is such a sore subject for me, pardon the pun. On my really bad days there is a part of me that feels  I am earning my disability status and benefit.

This government have succeeded in making people on disability benefits the target of the general public's anger. They have succeeded in blaming us for the deficit. I find that on Facebook or people that I meet when I am out in my wheelchair frequently offend me by constantly bringing up unasked  the subject of disability fraud. They always add "we don't mean you of course". That is designed to make what they say not offensive and it does not work. The government's own independent enquiry found out that 0.07% of disability claims were fraudulent. I cannot understand why people's anger is not put where it belongs: upon the rich who do not pay their taxes, the banks for behaving like boys with Monopoly money, and the politicians.

Not long ago I received the most vile email attacking me for being on disability benefits and yet attending dog shows. They accused me of being a fraud and in their ignorant state that I should go to a hospital and see in mobile people in their beds-the real disabled as she put it. What shocked me the most was that this was somebody whom I actually knew. The venom and the ignorance truly caught me by surprise and devastated me for a couple of days. In fact it frightened me. I was not hurt in the sense that I am sorry to have lost this person out of my life because I am not. Know what frightened me was the venom with which the letter was written and for a while I thought I do not leave my house. I felt as if I would be watched during my every move.

People really have to get a grip with what disability is and is not. The vast majority of people who are disabled are not immobile. Look at the Paralympics!

 Chronic pain that is severe and 24/7 counts as disability. The fact that I am able to be on my feet for short periods of time and even walk very short distances with the aid of canes and lots of drugs does not make me able. I am still disabled.  My balance is such that I fall on a regular basis. My bowel and my bladder do not work properly, I have heart disease, my spine is falling apart, I have neurological disease, and on top of that  I am bipolar. 

As I write this I feel embarrassed because it feels like I am moaning and of course  being English I was brought up to have a stiff upper lip. I also feel very uncomfortable because I feel that I am justifying my disability benefit. A lot of the time I have even wondered myself if I deserve the status of disabled. My doctor could not believe that I even asked her the question. She told me to ignore the government and those resentful jealous people. She told me that I am in no way capable of work and that I am very fortunate to be able to do what I managed to do and she says I am only able to do that because I have courage and determination. She supports me in every way she can because she believes in quality-of-life and therefore I am prescribed strong opiates without which I would not be able to swim, walk, nor attend dog shows.

I have shared on here some very personal things regarding the abuse I went to was a child and I did so gladly and without shame. I know that it has been of benefit to others and I continue to write on that subject. I used to publicly speak on it and raise money but I can no longer do that. 

However, writing the above about my disability has been a very unpleasant experience and I feel very uncomfortable sharing my feelings about it. It makes me feel like I have stood naked in front of people. I know that other disabled people feel exactly this way. They too have been shamed. There are so many illnesses that make one disabled where one does not look it. Ignoring me completely, there are diseases like lupus and multiple sclerosis which are very disabling in many people  yet they are not necessarily visible. My best friend has multiple sclerosis and you would have no idea if you met her because like me she is a determined person and proud and she fights.

 It seems that those of us who show tremendous courage and fortitude  in the face of our disability and pain are penalised and shamed for it.

THE RCC CRIME SYNDICATE

It has been too long since I have written a blog post. The trouble is that since I have been on Facebook it is just so easy to share my thoughts on the spot. I am going to try to make blog writing part of my day like it used to be. I am certainly not going to leave Facebook so I can only endeavour to do as I have said. My blog has been very meaningful to me and I know that it is to other people also and I therefore feel that it is important to keep it up.

ABUSE

As any survivor of abuse will understand there is just no part of our lives and that is not informed by the abuse we suffered. This does not mean that we wallow in self-pity. It just means that we experience our world in a way that is different to others. It cannot be any other way. Our brains are programmed in that way because of our past. This is absolutely no different to any other living  human being.  All of us are informed by our past and it dictates how we see the world.

I recently had to intend a bladder clinic to get help for my bladder problem.  It did not go exceedingly well. Not at all. The specialist nurse that I saw, although very nice and amusing, left me feeling quite shaken. She asked me how much did I drink each day and I informed her that I drank  between six and eight litres a day.  She then informed me that she would not be giving me the pads that I needed nor really be doing anything else until I cut down to 2 L a day. I was greatly upset by this. Not straightaway. It didn't really hit me until the Sunday where her words basically brought me to tears. Because of my disease there is so much that I have to do each day and so much that I have to not do each day that I really felt that I just could not cope with having to restrict my water intake as well. From the moment I heard her words I immediately felt guilty every time I took a sip! Now this is one of those situations where past abuse certainly does inform the present! I overcame the situation rather quickly. I telephoned my doctor and I explained to the receptionist that I was in a bit of a mess and within an hour my doctor had called me. She immediately told me to ignore what I had been told, to have a blood test the following day, and to have an appointment with her today.

Of the most amusing thing is that the blood tests showed that I was dehydrated!  I had not reduced my drinking. The test for my thyroid and my liver function also came back normal and so did whatever else was tested.

I had got into such a tiz that I had wanted to stop  taking most of my medications believing that they were stopping me from losing weight and had probably caused my weight gain of 14lbs.  in fact what had caused the gain was pain  which has been significantly worse over the last few months of last year not to mention all of the stress of last year. During the last two weeks my weight has started to drop significantly because I am able to swim again. 

The swimming regularly again has greatly been enabled by a drug called oxycodone. I take one of these with two of my morphine and I'm able to swim very well. The oxycodone has a rather peculiar effect on me in that it energises me rather than the sleepy effect it has on most people! Thus I am able to swim. I feel so much better as a result.

 KNITTING

 I have a few projects ready to be designed and knitted. Two of them will be simple knit and purl  chequered sweaters with either set in sleeves all raglan sleeves. I am using Drops alpaca for this.  I already have one sweater knitted with this yarn and it is beautiful. I use it double on 4 mm needles.

 I have three Aran sweaters to design.  For this I have Drops Alaska, Cascade 220, and Peace Fleece worsted weight which is 75% merino 25% mohair. 

 I will be able to design the cable patterns I will use on my computer which is going to make life much easier for me.  I have used a software program called Design A Knit 
 for my machine knitting for many years.  Now the upgrade allows me to design hand knits as well.  So I will be able to chart it all out before I  knit my swatch.   No more having to keep it in my head.

 I no longer knit small pieces of pattern, measured them, and put them all together for designing Aran.  I usually knit 150 stitch swatches.  this makes it much easier on me and also makes it much more accurate. I also know that the actual sweater will not be much wider than my test piece.

 I have yet to commence using my machines again even though my machine room is ready to use and just requires a little adjustment. However, I have a letter of 4 1/2 week old puppies  to deal with and they are wonderful time wasters! Although I consider it a joy to sit and play with them and joy is never a time waster.

ABUSE AGAIN

There is much more to share particularly on the ongoing situation with the Roman Catholic Church and its deliberate shielding of criminals. I just do not have the energy right now to write about this. Suffice to say I am sick of all of the people that comment on the written pieces about this all full crime trying to defend the Pope and his bishops who are responsible for covering up crimes for many years and yet they cannot find one word of kindness or empathy toward the victims of this abuse. This really angers me and I often weigh in  with my comments. This is on the Anne Rice page on Facebook.  The callous disregard  of the victims of abuse may anger me but the complete lack of self-awareness  shown by many of the writers  just astounds me. Not only do I not understand how they can at best ignore the victims and at worse blame the victims, I am at a total loss to understand how they can still venerate people who have proven to be criminals. Part of me understands the damage done to the mind when indoctrinating as children and then I think of the way that I was indoctrinated and how I have overcome my own indoctrination and I wonder why these people have not done the same instead of continuing to contribute to the evil.

ARAN STYLE SWEATER

Knitted on 2.75mm circulars, back and forth using Drops Baby Ull. Still in progress. My own design.

Neck done firstly using 2mm and continued with 1.75mm

PUSSY'S PUPS

LOSING IT

My Dr is so good. I am having blood tests on Wednesday and then a double appointment with her. We will find a way to juggle or change my drugs to see if this alters my weight. The blood tests is to see if my thyroid is okay am,ongst other things. 

I have not ever felt so uptight about my health. Pain is easy, I can deal with hat but the need for lots of sleep and the weight gain despite eating little is doing me in. I must get my routine back and I just am not able to. I have been swimming almost daily, which is good, but it is at differentent times of day. I used to be up, no trouble, at 6am every day, and finished swimming and home by 8.30am. This left the rest of the day to rest, do dogs, knit, nap, whateverv. I want that back.

I am NOT depressed. I am juts angry and upset about this inability to get into routine. My Dr understands its a problem and she also understands how my equilibrium is best served by being in a good routine. I can't bear this hodge podge way of doing things. Like this morning I ought to have driven John to the Dr for his appointment and I could not get out of bed. I did not wake again until 11am. I am not dozing, I am not dreaming. I am in deep sleep without waking for anything up to 11 hours and then I think oh shit, i won't sleep tonight and yet i go to bed at the normal time, I start to read and I wake 10 hours later, sitting up, kindle in my lap, on the same page. I don't feel fatigued at all during the day. I am in very much more pain since last Monday and am taking much more pk's but not more than previously able to handle. I don't feel sleepy on them and I do NOT take them with my night drugs becasue morphine gives me nightmares.(common side effect.) 


I've got Cruft's coming up and I am so afraid I won't have an outfit to wear and I'll look like a crippled slob. I HAVE to get rid of this weight, only 10 fucking pounds, but it has stuck like glue. I am eating no more than 1500 cals a day and it hasn't budged an ounce. I don't want to go back to the 'the man  with the sticks'.I LOVE dressing up and it makes me feel real, it makes me exist as COLIN, not ignored and abandoned. I feel helpless. I want it back. I love that man, the one I finally became and now I feel like he is slipping away and I am becoming the man of old, the victim, the miserable fat crippled slob I was for years when I thought everything was my fault. I don't understand this at all. I can feel him slipping thru my fingers each day going further away. I can't let that happen but I don't know how to stop it. I can feel myself drowning.

I can deal with pain. I don't care about pain. I am expert at dealing with and ignoring pain. It's all this other shit with it I can't handle and makes me feel so desperate. 

My idea was to come off all of my drugs and see what happened but Dr has explained that would be crazy and dangerous.

I love being in the water despite it hurting like hell but eyes closed, mind on something importnat to me, likke the puppies, and soon I am away from the pain and moving freely in the water. In the water, once the pk's work and my mind trick works, I feel so free and warm and agiule and weightless. It is truly gorgoues. I do enough of it for iot to be considered a good wrokout. Yet still my weight won't budge. Damn. 

HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY

Although you would not think so from the poeple appearing ion the tv talking about it, Holocaust memorial Day DOES include gay people, disabled people, gypises etc. Did you know that gay survivors, far from being helped and compensated, were in fact imprisoned and considered to have brought the holocaust upon themselves. Unfortunately, every speaker on this day have so far failed to mention the gay people who suffered and died in the camps, let alone those who survived and whose stories were ignored and suppressed.

The type of hatred that led to the Holocaust is rife today. I red it on here very day. Every time I hear people moaning about the East Europeans, the lies about how Muslims wih 10000 kids egt free houses and benefits, every time I hear about about 'foreigners' getting benefits and housing just by turning up. THIS is what led to the the Holocaust.

Every time I hear ga pople being spoken of as if we are 'less than', every time I hear the disabled referred to as frauds and 'costing too much'. 

THIS is why I am so vocal and adamant about such things. I KNOW where it can lead. Anytime you de-humanise us, the Holocuast is just around the corner. Every time you de-humanise ME, I shudder. I know my history. I don't forget the holocaust. When I was young and learning about it, first hand too as we had friends who were survivors, one Jewish , one gay. I though back than that this was another world they were talking about. I never in a million years thought it would happen again. Yet it has happened agin-in Africa, in Bosnia. And listening to the rhetoric of my fellows on FB, in the newspapers, on Twitter etc I fear very much that it could happen again here. We are in bad economic times. Instead of saving our ire for the rich and the bankers and politicians, we have turned against each other, juts as those in power want, and it is this that can so easily lead to another holocaust.
I feel a shudder of fear whenever I hear our religious leaders condemning me as evil, as the reason society is falling apart, as a danger to children, as the source of all that is evil in our society. What is more they are allowed to! Just swap black, jew, asian, for agy and you just might see the evil in theri words. But, hey, as long as it's not you they are condemning, it's okay isn't it? Seriously, when you read/hear Melanie Phillips, Hitchins, the Pope, the archbishop, Widdicomb speak about us, substitute the word gay for black, jew, woman, asians and you just might get it.


Telling me to ignore it, in other words shut up, doesn't wash. Until the threat to m y life and the lives of others is not threatened on a daily basis by these bigots, I will not shut up.

KNITTING MUSE RETURNS

This yarn is beautiful to work with and to wear. I use two ends knitted on 4mm needles. You can see my previous sweater knitted with this yarn here:  Alpaca

This is going to be another aran. I have knitted one, my very first, in this yarn before. You can see that here:  Alaska

I have not used this yarn before. it is by Peace Fleece and is 75% wool and 25% mohair. This will be an aran type sweater.

I have not used this yarn before either. It is 100% Peruvian wool. This will also be an aran type sweater.

mary grace

I filmed this today.