Monday, January 28, 2013


My Dr is so good. I am having blood tests on Wednesday and then a double appointment with her. We will find a way to juggle or change my drugs to see if this alters my weight. The blood tests is to see if my thyroid is okay am,ongst other things. 

I have not ever felt so uptight about my health. Pain is easy, I can deal with hat but the need for lots of sleep and the weight gain despite eating little is doing me in. I must get my routine back and I just am not able to. I have been swimming almost daily, which is good, but it is at differentent times of day. I used to be up, no trouble, at 6am every day, and finished swimming and home by 8.30am. This left the rest of the day to rest, do dogs, knit, nap, whateverv. I want that back.

I am NOT depressed. I am juts angry and upset about this inability to get into routine. My Dr understands its a problem and she also understands how my equilibrium is best served by being in a good routine. I can't bear this hodge podge way of doing things. Like this morning I ought to have driven John to the Dr for his appointment and I could not get out of bed. I did not wake again until 11am. I am not dozing, I am not dreaming. I am in deep sleep without waking for anything up to 11 hours and then I think oh shit, i won't sleep tonight and yet i go to bed at the normal time, I start to read and I wake 10 hours later, sitting up, kindle in my lap, on the same page. I don't feel fatigued at all during the day. I am in very much more pain since last Monday and am taking much more pk's but not more than previously able to handle. I don't feel sleepy on them and I do NOT take them with my night drugs becasue morphine gives me nightmares.(common side effect.) 

I've got Cruft's coming up and I am so afraid I won't have an outfit to wear and I'll look like a crippled slob. I HAVE to get rid of this weight, only 10 fucking pounds, but it has stuck like glue. I am eating no more than 1500 cals a day and it hasn't budged an ounce. I don't want to go back to the 'the man  with the sticks'.I LOVE dressing up and it makes me feel real, it makes me exist as COLIN, not ignored and abandoned. I feel helpless. I want it back. I love that man, the one I finally became and now I feel like he is slipping away and I am becoming the man of old, the victim, the miserable fat crippled slob I was for years when I thought everything was my fault. I don't understand this at all. I can feel him slipping thru my fingers each day going further away. I can't let that happen but I don't know how to stop it. I can feel myself drowning.

I can deal with pain. I don't care about pain. I am expert at dealing with and ignoring pain. It's all this other shit with it I can't handle and makes me feel so desperate. 

My idea was to come off all of my drugs and see what happened but Dr has explained that would be crazy and dangerous.

I love being in the water despite it hurting like hell but eyes closed, mind on something importnat to me, likke the puppies, and soon I am away from the pain and moving freely in the water. In the water, once the pk's work and my mind trick works, I feel so free and warm and agiule and weightless. It is truly gorgoues. I do enough of it for iot to be considered a good wrokout. Yet still my weight won't budge. Damn. 


Dan and Julie in San Diego said...

Hi, Colin,
Ten pounds does not make you the "man of old, the victim, the miserable fat crippled slob You were for years when you thought everything was your fault." Ten pounds is just ten pounds of weight, nothing more. Don't make the leap in your mind to link the two together. You are capable, happy, kind Colin, same as a year ago, even if you have an extra ten pounds. I wish you well on gettinbg back into a good routine. It does make like a lot easier. But slipping out of it does not amke you an unworthy person. There is no such thing. All are worthy.
Julie in San Diego

Unknown said...

I so agree with Julie. Your doctor sounds fantastic - she's working with you to figure out what is which and how the issues can best be handled. Helping one but not backsliding on another. Unfortunately it can take time. Be patient with yourself.