DAMN, BOTHER AND BLAST! (Good news too!)

My happy confidence in the new drug regime to control pain has gone to pot! Yesterday the pain was so bad I nearly threw up. It has been suggested to me that I start off my swim slowly in order to warm up. I have to say that I had never thought about this. I know that one must warm up one's muscles before weightlifting or running but it did not occur to me that one also needed to do it before summing.

I will not get to the pool now until Monday because my central heating has broken down. The plumber is coming at 7:45 AM and it is unlikely that I will get to the swimming pool by 8:30! I have had to go out and buy myself and electric blanket because it is cold here and I cannot do with getting cold as this will cause me many more problems. I have enough difficulty keeping warm as it is.

I am very pleased to say that Pussy won Best Puppy at today's championship show. Her sister, Plenty O Toole, won Best Puppy In Show on the Sunday just past.

I spent 2 or 3 days uploading my CD collection onto my Mac Book Pro only to discover that I had already done it all and had backed it up onto an external drive!

I am extremely pleased with the new music system and DVD Blu-ray system. I am now listening to music much more like I used to before it became to much of a chore to constantly change CDs. I also had not realised that part of the reason I had stopped is that much of being enjoyment had gone because I wrongly believed that my ears had degraded when in fact it was the fact that I was listening to MP3s via the iPod all the computer that had degraded the music! Now I am back to listening to my music in the way that it ought to be heard and in fact in the best way that I have ever heard. It put a lump in my throat when John told me that listening to his vinyl records, classical and opera, was the best sound he had ever heard. I was so pleased to hear him say this because he is a man of few words and rarely enthuses about anything. When he told me that we should buy any high-cost items now before he retires in April I had to really think about what would be good for us both and not just me which I know is what he meant for me to do. Coming up with audiophile audio equipment was the right choice. It was for both of us, not just me. John is generous to a fault with me and I was determined to get something he would really enjoy. I succeeded. The TV is for us both too.

When I got my electric recliner and one for him too, I really thought that was a good choice. It was but John refuses to use his. The dogs use it! I know he thinks of it as an old man's chair. He'll get over that at some point. Whereas I love mine and don't think of it as an old man's chair at all. More my throne.

TRAMLINES

I knitted these using a pure Merino yarn that consists of 2 ends of Merino and 1 end of SW Merino. This is what gives it the tweed effect when dyeing as the superwash takes up more dye very quickly. It has 400m/100g. I dyed the yarn myself.

I used my own Andersson Toe Up Construction Method, with the Andersson Heel Mach II (revised).

The tools I used were two Chiao Goo 2.5mm/60cm circulars. I knitted them both simultaneously so that both were finished at more or less the same time.I alternate the socks every 10 rounds.

BEING NOT DOING

I am feeling good. I have been swimming three times this week and the last two did not hurt! I have figured out that I need to take my drugs two hours before I swim. Once I figured that out, it was matter of knowing how much morphine to add to the other three painkillers and nerve blocks I use as my 'baseline'-1000mg Paracetamol, 100mg Tramadol, 400mg Gabapentin. 20mg of Morphine lessens the pain enough for me to swim thru it and it does stop. 40mg keeps it away completely but I am happier on just the 20mg as this does make it so I can swim without too much pain and I'd rathe leave the larger doses for down the road as my condition progresses.

I was thrilled to be up at 6.30am as I always used to be. I am really hoping this is the beginning of me getting back to my routine and proper pain control. I am sleeping well though it has not been easy to get up. This morning it wasn't.

I have again been feel in g useless recently. Thinking about my life and what I have done with it. It has all been spent sporting myself out from my poor start. I have been successful at that. Even now, I feel good about being able meet to my challenges. I feel good about myself when I find my way through the challenges. Like the daily battle I have with my body. No that doesn't sound right. It isn't a battle, more a challenge. I feel really good about sorting the right drug cocktail to enable to continue swimming. I went form swimming one mile a day to barely being able to swim 20 laps twice a week. This week I did 2 half miles and one full mile. Swimming is the only exercise I can do. Initially it was the only exercise I could do which didn't hurt. Those days have gone. Nothing I do is pain fee. I am not pain free. So there we are.

The thrill I get though from overcoming is good. Learning how to live with this is a constant challenge and quite an exciting one. I know what I want to do -knit, show the dogs, dye yarn. For as long as possible.

The point to all this is that it is all self-centred. The challenges are all personal. I don't' know if I am making sense here. At 52 I look back over my life and it is has just been about surviving. De-programming so I had a chance at a good life. I wonder what on earth my life means when it has all been about me. Don't misunderstand. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am happy. I feel very fortunate to be here and to have the life I have. I am so very very lucky. Yet, I think there ought to be more. I don't mean more material things. I don't really know what I mean. I have been given so much by others in my life. By John, my ex-therapist now friend, my best friend Dawn, and various people, some strangers, throughout my life. I have been given love and guidance and new ideas. Given the strength to carry on, to face my demons, to overcome them. To love myself and accept myself.

So you see I have been given so much and it seems my life has been about that and I wonder I have given back. Maybe all of these thoughts are just my ego. Maybe I think I ought to do something concrete, be somebody. This is true. Yet as I write I think that I just need to accept that I may never know what I do. What mark I have left on the world and will leave behind me when I die. I hunk maybe I have been thinking I need to do something obvious-like John is very successful in his field, world renowned for his writing and lectures and knowledge. He will not be forgotten. He is in the history books and will always be.

The more I write, the more I realise that I have fallen for this ego driven idea that I must DO something. Yet I know deep down that all I need to do is to BE. Just be. I don't know what effect that has and maybe that is the lesson I need to learn. Just get on with being me and stop worrying about it.

FEED US NOW.mov

SOCKS IN PROGRESS

These are a pair. The darker sock should end the same colour as the orange and the orange should end as the dark one has begun. I dyed this myself using blanks but dyed in a different way to my last attempt. Not sure exactly how these will turn out. I am not anal about my socks and do not care if they match. The yarn is 75% sw merino 25% nylon. 420m/100g

The pair below, Tramlines, are again dyed by me. The yarn is 64% merino and 34% sw merino, 400m/100g. The % is what causes the tweed affect as sw takes up dye quickly and deeply. Knitted with 2.5mm Chiao Goo, 60cm length.

EPIPHANY

Since my epiphany almost 4 years ago, I have changed. Really changed. Although maybe I haven't and the real me just came to the surface? Whatever, it is remarkable. This change is still happening.

First of all, because the epiphany was the realisation that I had been abused because of who the abusers were and not because of who I was able to release the final, and worst, pain and grief. I thought at the time it would kill me. Fortunately, my Doctor understood what was happening and understood why my gut was so affected. Grief really does hurt physically and takes it's toll on the body.

As a result people who were in my life are no longer. People who made me feel bad. People I had in my life because of guilt feelings I had. People who knew all about my past and used it manipulate me. When I think of that, it appalls me. That is truly wicked.

The reason for writing this today is because of another side effect of my release which I could not have anticipated. My taste in music has grown wider. The most surprising to me is that I am now including male singers. Apart from 3 albums by David Bowie back in the early 70's, I have never bought music by male singers. I have recently bought Nivarna Unplugged. Yes, I know!!!! If you had told me I would like this I'd have asked you what drug you were on! Now, I have just ordered 3 cds by Noah and The Whale. Their name is synchronistic too as I have been thinking a lot about the biblical story of Noah and The Whale and my astonishment that there are people who believe it is true!

I have added the following artists to my new likes: Amy MacDonald, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Laura Marling, Katie Melua, Beth Rowley, Mary Gauthier, Madeleine Peyroux, Lily Allen, Eliza Dolittle, Imelda May, Blue Harlem, Devil Doll. Mostly different genres.

Prior to this, my likes were Carly Simon, Amanda Lear, Joni MItchell, Carole King and Donna Summer. That was it.

This is exciting to me. I love music and now being able to hear new artists and appreciate them is wonderful for me.

The most obvious change is the way I dress. I see photographs of myself dressed for dog shows and I still get a shock! Yes. A shock. It is so not the me I used to be! I love the new me though.

I am also now more able to tolerate emotional situations I was not able to previously. I am able to make a stand against wickedness and not feel battered and bruised by it nor be sent back to flashbacks and panic. I mean by this that I am able to write, as I did last night, in counter attack on those people who would defend the Roman Catholic Church and it's stance on protecting abusive clergy. Yes, there are many who do indeed defend that. So I write on opposition to it. Not because I have any hope of changing the mind of those writing such wickedness because I know full well their mind set and I am not going to able to change them with a few words. However, by writing as I do, other survivors take something from it that helps them. How can I make such an arrogant claim? Simply because I get hundreds of e-mails from people the world over telling me how my words have helped them along their path toward light. I am more than humbled by this. Anyway, I have awoken feeling good today which is not my experience of past involvement in such exchanges.

ARE YOU SAVED?

GIT IN THE ARMCHAIR

BEING SOPPY

OH B*LLOCKS!

Yesterday, I was able to swim and to walk the dogs. I took a good dose of my drugs for each activity. This was what I needed to discuss with my doctor because I have got fed up with having to juggle my activities and my drugs.

However, things have not gone quite as I expected or planned. I took a 2nd dose and waited an hour and then I went for a walk with the dogs. Not only was it painful it has completely exhausted me. I am so stiff and sore that I cannot even take my boots off.

This is what I do not understand. Despite the pain being dealt with, (even today although my walk was not pain-free it certainly was manageable and without drugs it would have been impossible), I get so fatigued and achy. It seems to me that a crumbling spine and arthritic joints are not the only issue.

I am disappointed to say the least to discover that even with effective pain control I am still not going to be able to live as if I was fit. To be honest this is what I was expecting from more pain control as it seems to me that it is the pain that stops me doing as I wish. Clearly, fatigue is the main issue and there appears to be no drug for that. Bollocks!

E-MAIL NASTIES

On one of my e-mail lists there is a person who uses a pseudonym that I have found objectionable for quite some time and I blocked their e-mail so that I did not see any messages from them.

Yesterday, this person accused another list member of hating Jews just because they are German! I was absolutely appalled at such a disgusting e-mail. Yet it seems that nobody else was apart from the person it was aimed at. Although the moderator put the sender of that vile e-mail on moderated status, the receiver of it and myself for commenting were also put on moderation. I find this is fairly typical of many e-mail lists where no one seems to have the guts to put a stop entirely to the unacceptable. The writer of that e-mail would have been barred completely if it had happened on my list.

It is not possible to tell where the writer of the e-mail comes from, what nationality religion or colour they are, and we only have their word for it that they are a she. The e-mail sent attacking the German man was violent and extremely nasty and I am impressed that the German man himself did not respond in kind.

There are always people like this on lists and they are able to manipulate others and make it appear as if they are the innocent party. However it seems that their sole purpose is to stir up as much discord as they can. What really angers me is that such obvious behaviour is ignored by those who are supposed to be taking care of the list. They allow the manipulative behaviour to occur and end up punishing those that are its targets. A very sorrow episode indeed. One that is likely to repeat itself as effectually it is allowed to.

This person is known for causing such unpleasant disturbance on multiple lists.

Even as I write I cannot believe that such a evil accusation was made on a public list which is supposed to be about an art / craft. It was completely uncalled for. Anyone who bothered to think would know that the accusation was baseless because we do not know anything about the person who writes under a pseudonym. A most ridiculous pseudonym at that!

I am waiting for an appointment with my Doctor in order that we might discuss my drugs regime. I am sick and tired of juggling and worrying and not doing things because of not having, as I see it, the freedom to drug up enough to be able to do what I want to do. I keep having to decide between going for a swim or walking the dogs. Dyeing or swimming or walking. This is because in order to be able to do what I please I would have to go over the prescribed amount of drugs. I either need something more powerful or the freedom to dose as required. I know how to handle the drugs and I know what drugs I can take more of what drugs I cannot take more of and I also know when I don't need them. I am not sure where this discussion will lead but I feel I really need to do something that will improve the quality of my life and not frustrate me so

much.

The wind has been blowing strongly here for a few days and it is still blowing this morning. Yesterday the wind was very strong and yet the temperature was in the low 70s! I wonder if we are headed for a harsh winter the same as last year.

IMPRESSED AT LAST!

I had a phone call to tell me that I was now registered with the Doctor I wanted - John's. I felt quite confident she would take me on despite having a closed list. In my letter I decided not say anything about the Doctor I didn't want to stay with but rather made it seem the problem was entirely mine. I feel a tinge of guilt as I always do when I find I have to cut a person out of my life. However, as I am a frequent flyer with the Doctor and have serious issues, I need to feel safe and comfortable with the Doctor I have. Sorted.

Today's swim was dreadful. I got there late to start with because of a traffic jam. Then I found my swim very painful and I eventually had to stop and try and get my neck moving. It worked and seemed to release the nerves that were sending burning sensations down both arms and across my chest. Briefly I felt panic wondering if this was my heart but soon realised that if was and I carried on swimming, I'd get worse not better!

I was delighted to watch John's face as he listened to his classical on vinyl over the weekend. He is very impressed with the record player I bought him. He has much that has never been put on cd so he is happy now he can play it and he said the sound is best he has ever heard. Now, if you knew John you would know that he rarely says anything other than 'it's alright',(makes me want to hit him at times!), so when he does say something other one knows he is really impressed.

I have the urge for machine knitting this week. I might knit a sweater and I might also knit up some un-dyed sock yarn and dye some 'sock blanks'.

I hate eating first thing. I do eat breakfast when on holiday, a large one. I then don't eat again until late afternoon, sometimes evening. No idea why it doesn't turn me off when I am away. I am going to try to eat breakfast here. I certainly won't be doing so before I go swimming nor when I first get up but I might eat around 10am instead of waiting until 12 or so.

EVOLVED FOR LOVE?

We went out to Queensgate Mall in Peterborough. I could not resist photographing this hostess trolley type thing. It is foul, tacky, tasteless. Painted silver AND they wanted £595 for it.

Then I saw this Top Man and had it not been for my meds, my blood would have boiled! Really, this seam is a disgrace. I am sure it will sell and the buyer will not care or notice. I am sure though that if they see GOOD seaming, they will realise how they are being ripped off. Don't think that big money will mean good finishing. I went into a very famous designer's boutique and personally handled and examined a sweater selling at €1200. It had loose threads hanging, wonky seams. Appalling. I would have binned it had I made such a bad job of finishing.

To be fair, I see bad finishing in knitting magazines too, often on the front page.

Finishing is of the utmost importance. If you have spent many hours knitting a garment you don't want to ruin it by shoddy finishing. I read many people writing how they hate to finish and I wonder why they knit in the first place. Sewing is part of good knitting. Don't want to do it? Don't knit. Find a different hobby. Sometimes it is just fear that makes some avoid finishing. It really is a simple process. It takes time but time very well spent. No need to fear it. Doing a good job does not require you to be supper talented. It just requires that you commit, be patient and take pride in your work.

I really like the two shirts below. The one on the right is the most expensive I have ever bought but it is simply beautiful, not just in look but handle too. The green jacket was expensive but I got it on sale. I would not have paid the original asking price which was 5 times the sale price! It was bought in Engelhorn, a store in Mannheim, Germany.

The brown jungle like shirt was reasonably priced and is very much my type of design. Has an African look to me. Interestingly the front left and front right are pleated which adds to the appeal of this shirt.

I may have some exciting doggy news very shortly.

Life is still a challenge. I guess it is for us all regardless. I mean that my disease is more of a challenge to deal with recently. A symptom I had a few years ago is back. Moderate to severe pain down both arms and across my chest. This symptom originally caused concern for my heart and I was treated as if I was having a heart attack 3 times until the last heart surgeon took some notice of me and realised that my pain was not my heart but something else - my spine. He noticed how I moved and how did not turn my head but my whole body when I needed to see to my sides. Anyway, not even I knew I didn't move properly. I had had the problems for years and I had adapted without realising I had a problem. i was aware of odd things-numb hands, poor balance, sudden pain, cramps, eye sight disturbance but it was all erratic and mild and I did not think I could go to a Dr with what sounded like a hypochondriac's complaints. I did not have good Dr's then. When I changed 12 years ago, my new Dr saw straight away that I had physical problems.

I have typed this by hand, slowly and with one finger. Other times, I just could not. There was a time I type 80wpm but no longer. I mainly use voice recognition software to type for me. Today I wanted to type myself.

We were only out for 90mins today yet the dogs greeted our return as if we had left them days ago. Then I put them all in the garden and was moved to joy as I watched the gambol about, tails wagging, creating each other. After a while I called out 'do you lot want dinner?' and they came flying past me into the kitchen, got into their cages and waited, with Luque and Whitney and Pussy howling until they got theirs. Such a pleasure I tell you. My dogs give me so much. I am certain that without them I'd be far more disabled, further along in the disease's progression. I'd have no reason to get up in the morning. No matter how bad I feel, I do it. The occasions when getting upright was a challenge too far, fortune has meant John was home to ;let the dogs out, give me my drugs so that I could get up once they took effect.

Dogs fascinate me. They are a completely different species from us. Some say they are parasitic and evolved their curtness so as to appeal to us, stroke our egos, just so we feed them and thus their species survives. Really? It certainly does not seem like that to me. I don't have a different idea about why but that reasoning just doesn't gel with me. I have lived with dogs for 40 or more years and know that they feel, not just physically, but emotionally, and that they think. One of my dogs, Whitney, waits by the door when I am out but John is in. She also will not eat when away from me. I don't really see how pining is just an evolutionary thing. To what end?

JOHN'S WINDING ROAD SOCKS

John chose this yarn from my friend Lia's local yarn shop. She lives in Sandhausen, Baden-Wurtemberg, Germany. The yarn brand is Super Soxx. For my conservative husband this is a daring colour! In fact, as he gets closer to April's retirement he is getting more colourful.

I used my own Andersson Sock Construction Method using the Andersson Heel Mach II. I knitted them using 2.25mm circular needles in 60 cm length by Chiao Goo. I find these needles to be the best I have ever used by far. Nothing that I know of compares. I knitted them each on their own needle, knitting 10 rounds on each alternately so that I finished both almost at the same time time and no SSS!

CLOUDY DAYS

I have to say that I do not feel in the best of moods recently. I do not know why. I am sleeping well. I am not having bad dreams. I am having difficulty getting up in the morning. And it is this latter that 1st indicated to me that some isn't right because I always want to get up because I always have so many exciting things to do.

One thing I have realised recently is how my disability leaves me feeling vulnerable. I have never been physically confident. Now I feel even less so. Although I have fairly negative feelings toward visiting America-mainly because of the strong homophobic religious atmosphere-I realised yesterday that being unable to walk properly and needing to use the wheelchair is what tips me over the edge to not wanting to go at all. I am not one to harbour ridiculous fears and prejudices and I have tried not to feel the way I feel about the USA but every time I convinced myself that we are just talking about a small number of religious loonies the news and the Internet tell me this is not so. Some very extreme people with vile ideologies have already been elected into power, 2 of them as governors of states!

Anyway, I have got off the point. I'm trying to figure out why I feel low. I have had a lot of pain since our holiday so for about the last 6 weeks or so. I also look back over the last year and it is obvious that like the previous years I have physically become worse. Swimming is no longer easily. Whereas I always found the first few minutes hard to do, and now I generally find the whole swim painful. Most especially my neck both arms and chest.

I don't like writing about this. It does not suit the image I like that of the happy-go-lucky man who ignores the challenges! How silly is that? This stems from the fact that men are supposed to be stoic and not complain and also from the fact that I get really annoyed with people who do nothing but complain! My closest friend and I have very similar diseases and we do share with each other about it but both of us have full lives and get on with it despite it all.

May be it is normal for me to not be able to feel positive and strong all the time with regard to my disease. I met somebody recently who has the same disease and I was horrified to see what it had done to them in such a short time. I felt really bad because all I wanted to do was get away. I did not and I spoke and gave them a loving touch as we parted. I had to fight myself though to not recoil. I am not daft I know exactly why I reacted like that. The truth is I may never get like that. That is not always an easy fear to conquer though.

It is hard to know why I feel so sluggish. I feel bloated and heavy. I seem to lack energy.

Something has just popped into my mind. As I may have mentioned previously, we have upgraded our audio system and television with audiophile quality equipment. The look on John's face when he 1st heard his opera music through the new system was what I hoped to see. I too am astounded at the sound quality of both CDs and vinyl and also the quality of the television picture, especially when watching DVD and Blu-ray. We also exchange the speakers to high quality as well.

We have done this because John is soon to retire and we would not be able to do this once he has. he told me to think about what we want or need and to buy now. So the wheelchair was upgraded to the best. I bought two electric armchairs. Then after thinking about what we would both like I went ahead and bought the hi-fi equipment.

I realise that I feel guilty. This was just a niggly little feeling when I spent £100 on a shirt but it has now grown to a fully fledged guilt. I know that John has similar problems about spending money. I do not think we feel exactly the same way about it and certainly not for the same reasons.

When I was growing up, I was taught to be grateful to anything that I was given because I didn't really deserve it and they were only giving it to me because they were good. This feeling has stayed with me.

Every morning recently I have sat in my armchair and I've looked at my Macbook Pro which is the 1st thing I switch on when I wake up and then in front of me the Arcam hi-fi sits there taunting me and basically saying “what were you thinking?" You could have spent that money on the starving in Africa all you should have saved it for a rainy day.

During the learning process and buying process I of course was enjoying myself. I happily spent several days, not all at once, studying and auditioning various bits of equipment. Then after I have made my decision and it was all set up in the house I set about enjoying it. Then this feeling of guilt started to come over me and I now realise that I do have difficulty in enjoying what I have. Whereas I know that I am very fortunate in that we could afford this I now just feel bad and almost ashamed to even talk about it!

I think our world makes it difficult to have when others have not.

LIFE

One thing that has been on my mind since I heard someone saying how the fans were robbed of his future songs, speaking of Kurt Cobain. Not so. They don't exist and never will. I also don't believe the world has lost anything in the death of this man (mr Jobs)but gained enormously in ways we are mainly ignorant of, by his life. I am almost tempted to say that we die just when we are supposed but that isn't what I mean. I just don't know how to word what i mean. I just think we gained so much from their lives and were not robbed by their death as we have no way of knowing WHAT more was to come or even IF anything more was to come. This doesn't just apply to the famous or obviously creative but to all of us-from the pissed old tramp in the gutter to the Queen, to the street hooker, to the bank clerk, the baker etc. It seems we all fit and have a place and through our being we touch everyone - known or not. We breathe in what others breathed out yesterday. What we say and do and believe has direct effects on the world we live in. None of us is an island. YOU really do matter. YOU really do have an effect. A simple smile for a stranger might be all that was needed to help them live another day. Your moment of judgement and harshness toward a stranger might be all it took to send them over the edge. During the times I have felt useless and just dependent, it has come home to me forcefully just how that is not the case, and how I affect others in ways I am ignorant of. One person wrote to tell me they had decided not to end their life because if I could survive abuse then so could they. All I did was tell the truth of my life for myself. I didn't know it would be for others too. But if I don't wake up tomorrow, it would be foolish to think I had more to do! The wind is howling, my upper spine is howling. I want to go to bed and stop this writing! Just know that nothing is wasted. Oh and there is little point in fretting over not being perfect. We will all give out negative in our lives but if we work in giving out mainly positive, it's at least the right direction. We do so not for what it brings us but because it is the right thing to do. We don't do it to please a deity, to assure our place in heaven, because that is not good at work but ego and self at work. We do good because we are and we can and good is our reward. The more we get it right, the more our light is bright-to shine for us and for others. So simple a child could think it up! xo

GOOD MORNING

SOCIETAL DESTRUCTION

I really enjoyed the dog show on Sunday. The judging went pretty much as I expected. Mary-Grace was not placed and Pussy came 3rd. It was the judges 1st appointment and I entered because I think it is only right and proper to give 1st timers a chance even though I was fairly confident that she would not appreciate my dogs. She didn't.

Although I find it very stressful to be among so many people I still enjoyed meeting people. I am beginning to enjoy the social aspect of the dog shows.

The weather had not been as forecast and instead it was wet and cold. As the day went on the rain stopped and it became warmer but it was still not very hot day promised. I am relieved that it was not. Home however was a very different matter as it was having the hottest weather in the British Isles! By the time I got home in the late afternoon it was still 30°C.

I may have written here a while ago that my doctor was leaving the medical practice that I attend. However, it turned out that I could follow her to her new practice. I have been to the new practice and it is completely unsuitable for me. It is small has very little parking, like half a dozen spaces, and is 6 miles from home. On top of that it appears that she is only going to be working 2 days a week. I have come to terms with the fact that she will no longer be my doctor.

This presents me with a problem. The practice I am with is a very popular one and all of the doctors have their capacity of patients. The doctor who has come to replace my doctor is not one I could have a good relationship with.

He is a fundamentalist Christian who takes the Bible literally. Not only do I have a problem with a medical doctor who is supposed to be a man of science, thinking in such a primitive way, but I definitely have a problem with having a doctor who sees me and my kind as evil and the cause of societal destruction. I do not believe I can have a good and constructive relationship with somebody who does not view me with positive regard from the outset.

I have to write in and request that John's Dr will take me on her list. I do not know if she will but I know that I already have a good relationship with this woman as I have worked closely with her with regard to John and getting him to take his COPD seriously. She is a very nice woman and I know does not think of us in a negative way.

The manager of the practice understands my position and reading between the lines I am fairly certain that she is on my side though of course she cannot say so. I do not know what is going to happen and of course I am worried about it. I need a doctor with whom I can have a good relationship you know as I am not a not often seen patient! I am high maintenance in that regard and will only become more so as my condition worsens.

Recently I have had quite a lot of difficulty with my hands and getting them to work properly. I do not understand how this connects to spinal arthritis and I am going to ask about that. A few days ago I was convinced that the problem I was having with my hands was because the circular needle I was using for knitting John socks was too short. I changed to my normal 80 cm length but it made no difference. It is hard to explain but it is as if the messages from my brain are not getting to my hands and my hands are working very slowly. Not exactly painful, just weird. I could not even open jars or bottles. It has gone away again now but I know that it is a recurring difficulty and I want to know why this happens. I am at least glad that it is not the circular needles because I have 6 pairs of Chiao Goo in 60 cm length! I find working with the 60 cm length to be much better as there is less cable to pull through.

DRIFFIELD 2011