part of an email response to another person:
It's brainwashing. They abuse you then deny that they did. Others collude in this too so YOU end up being seen as mentally disturbed. Which of course you are because you cannot trust your own perceptions because they have repeatedly undermined you. Told you black is white. Over and over until you really cannot tell what is black and what is white. You get so that when people abuse you YOU apologise. (Abusers most often appear perfectly lovely people and those around them would never see them as the insecure bullies that they are. Oh, they DO see the effects displayed by the victim but they pretend they do not. 1. It is frightening to them that their perception of a person could be so wrong 2 and they cannot bear the thought that the world is not as they see it. So they collude in the abuse by not seeing it.)
So the cycle goes on and on and on unless we break out. Our spirit, deep down, knows the truth and in the end we have to with that truth no matter what. If we do, if we have the courage and the fortitude to face it, then we break free of these insidious bonds and our real selves, hitherto fragmented by doubt and fear and pain, come together as one and begin to shine, with the abusers shrinking back into the dark from whence they came.
I recently saw a video, produced as an example of a positive AH HAH moment, where the man said it was the birth of his daughter and how he realised the was responsible for 'moulding her into the kind of American I want her to be'. I was horrified! Truly. The poor child stands little chance of being HERSELF and certainly even when in adulthood she finally gathers her fragmented self together, her father is unlikely to accept her wholeheartedly because she won't be what HE thinks she ought to be.
Abuse is always about control. Fear. And acting out their own abuse, the pain now forgotten, while it expresses it's self thru abusing others.
Not all of us react to abuse by abusing others. We abuse ourselves instead.
You know, sexual abuse and physical abuse gets a lot of publicity now and at least is noiw really considered damaging and taboo BUT the most severed damage is done emotionally and mentally and we are still not connecting the dots with this most common abuse.
I noted how pervasive it's effects are. When was the last time someone gave way for you when out driving? Or said excuse me before barging through to get where they are going? yes, we are losing our sense of civility and connection with others. It is a direct result of people closing down due to abusive teaching. Even those who were not physically and/or sexually abused, live in a society that does all it can to prevent one being oneself. Truly the biggest challenge in life is to be who we are, think for ourselves, and accept that our craving to belong and be accepted can only be satisfied by fragmenting our selves and suppressing our feelings and that doing that leads to a miserable and ultimately wasted life. We can only live by one conscience and that is our own. To try and live according to the conscience of others is destructive and fragments our self yet again.
Not belonging, being rejected by the group (family) is probably the most painful of griefs but it ultimately leads to freedom and joy.
3 comments:
Hello Colin
I wanted to thank you for your post. I wholeheartedly agree with what you have said. I believe that this kind of emotional abuse starts at birth (perhaps even before). We do all sorts of awful things to babies being born these days, we don't trust the natural processes. I am not saying that sometimes there is a need for medical intervention - of course there is - but very often this intervention is unwarranted and every kind of intervention interferes with the natural hormones and chemicals which begin the bonding process between mother and child. So begins separation and dissociation by the baby. We leave our children to cry for hours alone in the belief that we are teaching them good sleep habits, and ignore their painful cries for attention and very real need for closeness with their parent. We don't feed them naturally and even if we do breastfeed - we often do so according to our schedule, not the baby's. We leave our children in the care of strangers. We destroy trust in others from the very beginning and teach them that their needs are not important, that they don't have value in themselves. Imagine what that does to a growing brain.
I could go on and on - but I just wanted to say I really appreciated that part of your post about emotional abuse and also the part where you emphasise the importance of being yourself. We are not here to mould or shape children, we are here to help ensure that they are allowed to unfold in their own true nature, just as they should. We are here to guide gently and to love, unconditionally. That's a really hard job - but it also brings the most beautiful rewards if you try. I am not saying I get it right all the time, but I do try with my kids.
Oh Colin you are so wise. Would that the world were different. I am feeling very vulnerable and raw at the moment and reading your thoughts always helps.
Absolutely true -- your post and the comments.
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