Today and the previous two days have been rather strange. It would appear that I zoned out on Saturday afternoon. I have very little recollection of what I did. John tells me that I was stumbling a lot and that I seem to be completely elsewhere mentally. The last time we both remember me being that bad was in Aachen in Germany a few years ago.
The reason I asked him about Saturday afternoon is because I realise I only have very vague memories of it and yet I did not take a sleeping pill until the evening. Even that will work very quickly and John says that within 15 min of taking it I was gone and he had trouble getting me to bed.
The following day at Leeds dog show I was fine. I was somewhat sore of course and at the end of the showing I had to go back in with all the winners and I needed to call the ring stewards to come and help me get back up on my feet from kneeling down. I came home and I was my usual exhausted self. I ate kebabs and some yoghurt and then fell asleep in my chair.
I slept in my chair all night. Amazingly I awoke this morning and got up with out any aches and pains! I have been for my swim and I have also walk the dogs!
This is an extremely rare occurrence the day after a dog show as I am normally completely done in. Not today for some reason.
My attitude is to enjoy it whilst I can hence I walked the dogs. Despite how well I feel today I know that I’m not cured and I’m just having a good day.
No embellishments. This is what happened.
After Leeds last year I did not go to any Ch shows and thus my friend Angi with whom I go to shows, had to bare all the costs herself. So despite the fact I was not happy about entering this years Leeds, I did to be fair to Angi.
Last afternoon, she called me to say she could hardly walk and wouldn't be going. (She has similar probs to me.) I decided I would still go. Mainly because I was already geared up to go.
Now last evening I took my sleeping pills with yogurt and to my relief I did not taste the drug. It is foul and I cannot swallow it with water and not taste it. Anyway, I remember little else after that!
This is the weird bit: I did NOT set my alarm for 2am. At precisely 2am Luque barked loudly. I awoke with a jump and checked the time and as it was 2am, I picked up my phone to turn ff the alarm only to find I had not set it.
Anyway, as you now know Pussy made her debut at Leeds and she won Minor Puppy Bitch. I was very pleased. She went really well and seemed to take it in her stride tho I could tell she was a little uncertain juts by the set of her tail. I t was up and over as it should be, but slightly flopping down one side. This is her way of showing she is perturbed. She does not do it at home. Then I went in with Mary Grace and she was 2nd.
Gavin Roach was my camera man again for me and I will show the photos later.
Alison Blake really took my by surprise. I was truly touched by this act of kindness.
I had said I was taking Daniel back to car and loading him in and when I had done that, I'd be back t get my dogs and show trolley. Well, I finished loading up Daniel and was coming back into the showground when I saw Gill Watts-Catley and Allison Blake coming toward me. Allison was pushing my trolley all packed! I was gobsmacked. I tell you, that act of kindness saved me a lot of pain and fatigue. Totally unexpected.
I saw loads of other people and said hi and chatted. Again, a few I didn't have a clue who they were but they knew me so I chatted with them and didn't let on that I was thinking WTF are you?
I didn't really start to hurt badly until on the drive home. Am now home, well medicated and will have an early night. A thoroughly good day.
part of an email response to another person:
It's brainwashing. They abuse you then deny that they did. Others collude in this too so YOU end up being seen as mentally disturbed. Which of course you are because you cannot trust your own perceptions because they have repeatedly undermined you. Told you black is white. Over and over until you really cannot tell what is black and what is white. You get so that when people abuse you YOU apologise. (Abusers most often appear perfectly lovely people and those around them would never see them as the insecure bullies that they are. Oh, they DO see the effects displayed by the victim but they pretend they do not. 1. It is frightening to them that their perception of a person could be so wrong 2 and they cannot bear the thought that the world is not as they see it. So they collude in the abuse by not seeing it.)
So the cycle goes on and on and on unless we break out. Our spirit, deep down, knows the truth and in the end we have to with that truth no matter what. If we do, if we have the courage and the fortitude to face it, then we break free of these insidious bonds and our real selves, hitherto fragmented by doubt and fear and pain, come together as one and begin to shine, with the abusers shrinking back into the dark from whence they came.
I recently saw a video, produced as an example of a positive AH HAH moment, where the man said it was the birth of his daughter and how he realised the was responsible for 'moulding her into the kind of American I want her to be'. I was horrified! Truly. The poor child stands little chance of being HERSELF and certainly even when in adulthood she finally gathers her fragmented self together, her father is unlikely to accept her wholeheartedly because she won't be what HE thinks she ought to be.
Abuse is always about control. Fear. And acting out their own abuse, the pain now forgotten, while it expresses it's self thru abusing others.
Not all of us react to abuse by abusing others. We abuse ourselves instead.
You know, sexual abuse and physical abuse gets a lot of publicity now and at least is noiw really considered damaging and taboo BUT the most severed damage is done emotionally and mentally and we are still not connecting the dots with this most common abuse.
I noted how pervasive it's effects are. When was the last time someone gave way for you when out driving? Or said excuse me before barging through to get where they are going? yes, we are losing our sense of civility and connection with others. It is a direct result of people closing down due to abusive teaching. Even those who were not physically and/or sexually abused, live in a society that does all it can to prevent one being oneself. Truly the biggest challenge in life is to be who we are, think for ourselves, and accept that our craving to belong and be accepted can only be satisfied by fragmenting our selves and suppressing our feelings and that doing that leads to a miserable and ultimately wasted life. We can only live by one conscience and that is our own. To try and live according to the conscience of others is destructive and fragments our self yet again.
Not belonging, being rejected by the group (family) is probably the most painful of griefs but it ultimately leads to freedom and joy.
I am off to have a ‘field’ test on my eyes to test for any blind spots. Eye test last week suggested AMD and Glaucoma. I dare not think about this.
Jack the gardener is here and once he is finished, off I go.
The new electric reclining armchairs are excellent. So much so I fell asleep in mine the first night they were here.
Took me several hours but finally set up the new amp. It was not easy discovering which wire was which speaker.
I have a dog show on Sunday at Harewood Hall (in the grounds), Leeds. Weather will be dry, we are told, but at 18c not very warm.
I also got to try out new Big Daniel last night and am very pleased with him. More roomy and comfortable.
Tell me, I have wardrobes stuffed full of clothing. I mean all not often worn. Tastes change or I just choose others more often. Up to now I have only managed to re-cycle worn out or ill fitting clothing. Is it okay to re-crycle perfectly good clothes to make room for more or to just make room? I will not be recycling any of the expensive, classic stuff. I basically mean shirts. I have tonnes of them.
xo
I write this sitting in my new armchair which arrived today. In fact two of them did. They are electric recliners.
I am astonished by how comfortable I am and how uncomfortable I was before. I find it very difficult to keep still because of pain. I fidget, get up and down, move around. I have already stayed put in this chair for far longer than I ever have on anything else, except my car seat.
Our minds and bodies are amazing. Or maybe it is my ability to disassociate?
My disease started when I was in my 20’s, the mid 80’s. It was gradual and I adapted WITHOUT REALISING there was a problem. John knew I had a problem long before I did but even he didn’t notice straight away.
Anyway, the point I am making is that often one does not know one is suffering until it stops. For example, the sort of pain I have is not acute like breaking a leg. It is more like a constant tooth ache which grows in intensity. I am so used to it that I had to be told to take my drugs. John and friends would notice long before I did that I had gone white and confused. I’d take the drugs and when they work I am shocked at how much pain I was in!
I am having a very similar experience right now. I am shocked at 1. how uncomfortable my previous seating arrangement was and 2. how bad it was posturally. (Spell check says Posturally is not a word. It ought to be.)
Once again I feel extremely fortunate to have been able to get these chairs. I normally cannot go out and spend this amount but fortune smiled on me last week and I wondered how to use it: on taking care of myself.
John says he is perfectly happy with his normal armchair. Ashley, the man who owns the disability warehouse, bet me that within 24 hours John will be using the other one!
Initially I had loads of messages saying how those writing liked the videos. None have written to say they don’t. I have decided to ask anyway. Obviously I cannot please everyone.
The videos are unedited and what I say is spontaneous and unedited. The written me is less spontaneous and is edited.
I will see how many are bothered one way or the other. I am not promising anything. I might come up with a way to please most. It did not occur to me until today that not all can hear from their machines.
These were knitted by Christa Nantz using one of my Knitman's Kitchen yarns, Banka Mundi which is a sw merino/bamboo blend at 400m to 100g.
These were all taken at Windsor Championship Show June 29th 2011. The Judge was Sue Ellis of the famous NEDLIK Lhasa Apso kennel. A breeder of many Champions whose opinion I hold in high regard. Mary -Grace won her class. The picture on the bottom left is Mary-Grace giving me her paw. She does it all the time. I taught her to do it but never had one like her who just does it all the time and if you take it and say thank you, she stops!
