MHSOH

I ended up leaving negative feedback for the seller on Ebay. I hate to do that but was left with no choice. I was not happy for several reasons. I paid directly out of my PayPal balance-no bank account for card involved. Supposedly payment didn't get here till 23rd, 3 days after I paid. How come? I received yarn 7 days after I paid. I was also charged way over the cost of postage which was £2.65 and I was charged £4.30. I know packing costs, I do it all the time, but a plastic bag does not cost £1.65. I would have charged £3.15. Post cost and .50p for rest(bag etc).(oh and in case you don't know this, I would not get £3.15, but less than £3 as PP take a cut of ALL money that is paid to me.)

To make it worse, one of the hanks was only 88gm, not the stated 100gm. I wrote on Friday as soon as I knew this. I got this as a response:

We sell on an average hank weight at 18.25% moisture at 100gms in line with the standard regulations on these items, sometimes the yarn can dry out or fall below the physical weight dependant on the actual moisture content.

However, we do try to ensure that our yarns physically weight 100gms and if you are unhappy with an individual hank and can return this intact with the appropriate order number and details we can either refund this or replace it.

I wrote back immediately, having measured the yarn and knowing it was 50m short, 350 instead of 400m. I resisted the urge to comment that I resented being taken for a fool. I said I was happy to send the hank back, for a 100gm 400m replacement, at their expense. As of this evening, 3 whole days after my response, I have received no reply. I decided then I had done all I could. It really is annoying because they have other yarn I really would have bought, and bookmarked one set, not buying until this was cleared up. It wasn't cleared up so I didn't buy.I am aware that not all people are blessed with a SOH and that also humour doesn' necessarily travel well. However, I do wonder why people who normally do not comment, find the sudden urge do so when they feel aggrieved? It's rather like only speaking to be critical. Sad.

Today could have been better. I did have a good, if difficult swim. When the time came around for pills, I took different ones, two of them, and the pain was gone, all gone, within an hour. Unfortunately, I was then hit with a ravenous hunger. I won't do that again, take the two pills. Or maybe I should wait until after I have eaten a substantial lunch? I had eaten, about an hour before, but a light meal, an omelette.

Things are a bit nosiy here with the dogs all sexed up. Trouble is I am fairly certian that no sooner will Carly have ceased her season, Edna will start hers!

My second pair of home dyed socks are coming along well. Just a normal wool/nylon mix, again dyed with food colour. I am using a no hole lace pattern on them which I am pleased with, though i think it would look better on a plain coloured pair.

I have also found place that will make shoes or boots to my specifications. The colours and design I choose. Not expensive either though I will have to wait until I know what our exact financial position. I may not be able to. :(

I really need to knit up some sweaters on the machines. John dropped a rather large hint at the weekend! I have had some orange cashmere swatched up for me for months and still have not knitted it. I also owe Sarah one and haven't done that either. I will, it;s just not as easy as it was. I am trying to promise myself to knit these 3 pairs I have on the needles, and no more, until the sweaters are done.

NO TEA

We went to a craft fair today. It was held in the grounds of the Queen's private estate, Sandringham. I thought, as we were there, we'd pop in for a cup of tea and a chat.The bitch wasn't there and had pissed off to the Caribbean. I shan't bother next time. How rude! Honestly, does no one have any manners today? Not so much as a hint she wouldn't be in.

Fortunately, the set up was such that it was easy to navigate in Daniel, who only struggled once to get over a raised bit.

As often happens, a woman stopped and said 'I love your boots. My sister would kill you for those.' I replied that her sister had no need to kill a cripple for his boots as they were available online! She laughed, which was the intention. Oh, and the boots were my Lilac Lampur Docs.

It was a good show. John bought a beautiful wooden box, hand made and polished. I bought a hat and a stoneware cup and saucer with a sheep motif on it. We bought a pig leaning over a gate having a gossip. (a figurine, not a real one.)

I saw some beautiful multi-coloured leather shoes and I asked the crafter if he had them in a size 8. His response was 'yes, but they are women's shoes', and turned away from me! So f'ing what! I wanted to know the size. He clearly wasn't interested in selling them to a man. Really, where do they come from?

We found a marquee specifically for weavers, spinners, dyers, etc but it was very disappointing. I did see some beautiful own grown and spun Alpaca but I forced myself to resist the temptation. I really have no need for it.

I was hungry and as is normally the case at these places, the food was inappropriate for me. I found a Venisonburger and I bought one of those. It filled the hole and the bun went in the bin. The Venison was really tasty. I have recently started to buy Venison sausage and they too are tasty. Very low fat and hardly any carbs.

This reminds of a really funny joke, at least I thought it was. A young woman, attractive with large eyes and from the wrong side of the tracks, was asked if she had been called Bambi because of her big eyes. She replied, 'nah, cos me movver was shot.'!!!! I found it hysterical. It was a scene in The secrets Diary of A Call Girl starring Billie Piper.

On the way home we stopped for a Sunday Roast at a large Hotel which we pass frequently. We shall eat there again. Very reasonable and excellent quality food.

Poor Luque is really frustrated now. Carly is 'ripe' and so the hormones are driving him wild. In a couple of days it should be over as it's already 3 days. The season is usually 21-28days but they are only ripe for a few of them, around the middle time. This is when they ovulate and they give off a different pheromone and thus the boys go nuts then.

Both of us are feeling much less tense now that we know we shan't be losing the house. In fact, it would seem the news I have is going to be even better than that, but I will not divulge until we are certain and it is all signed, sealed and delivered.

TAX FREE

I ordered Elizabeth Zimmerman's 'Knitting Workshop' and Barbara Walker's A Treasury Of Knitting Patterns, A Second Treasury of Knitting Patterns and Charted Knitting Designs - A Third Treasury of Knitting Patterns.

All from Amazon.com. In case any British readers don't know, as I did not until John informed me, there is no tax to pay on books no matter where they come from. I have previously only ordered one book from them and that was Maria Erlbacher's Twisted Stitches book which arrived promptly.

NO FOOL

Grr I hate it when people take me for a fool.

I ordered 5 x 100gm undyed socks yarn. It arrived after a week so I was already not happy. I weighed each hank the second I got it. One of them was only 88g. I wrote and told the seller this was not acceptable to me. I was told that moisture loss would account for the discrepancy!!!!

Bollocks! I measured the short hank and one of the normal ones. The short hank has about 50m missing. I have written and told them so.

Perhaps they thought I was green? Whatever, I shall let you know the result. I have stated I wish it to be replaced with a full 400m hank with the postage to be at their expense.

AUTUMN CHANGES

I am especially pleased with these. They are the result of my first adventure with home dyeing. I used Kool Aid and I used a syringe to drop the colours on DRY yarn.I then wrapped in cling film and nuked for several minutes.






The yarn is 80% Merino and 20% Bamboo, probably my favourite mix. I knitted it on 1.75mm Hiya Hiya circular needles. They are knitted toe up using my Andersson Construction Method with the Andersson heel Mach II (revised). I would probably choose to use 2mm needles next time.

CONTRARY

After yesterday's good news, you' think the rest of the day would have been good. I had the worst pain I have had for a while, even after topping up. I assumed this was due to relaxing after weeks of tension. I was looking forward to nice long ad deep sleep. Well, bugger me stupid if I didn't have have a really bad night of fitful dozing and weird dreams! It didn't help that the wind and rain kept me awake at first, it was really loud.

Still I when I finally quit trying to sleep and got up, I at least did so with much less trepidation. John sounds much better too which is a relief. I imagine things may be much better now between us as he is no longer carrying that dreadful burden of an awful secret. The suffering he put himself thru for years. Me too, indirectly, because I was living with a 'closed off' person and I knew something was wrong but didn't have a clue as to what. I used to dream often that he was not here, gone with another. In waking time I knew the never would but my gut knew something was wrong with him.

Forgiveness doesn't come into it. I don't think I understand the word really. Do I hate him for doing this? Of course not! Am I still angry? No. Do I still love him? Yes. Do I trust him? Not where money is concerned. Do I trust he loves me? Yes. I think he has suffered greatly thru this and whilst I know he caused it, I am glad it is over and am just sad he went thru this. I'll never understand how he could have let it happen. I am not one for burying my head in the sand and hoping things will go away. I am the opposite of that. The fear would prevent me ignoring it. How he lived with this fear for so long I don't know. I do know it robbed us of a peaceful relationship.

I have learned that someone who truly does love you can hurt you deeply. I have learned that yet again my gut feeling was right. I have learned I still have trouble with trust. I have learned that the supposed 'dead' are not and they can intervene when necessary and when they do, the person needs to be open to the hint and see it. I could have ignored the initial letter form a credit card company that hinted a problem. It didn't say there was, just hinted. I then called the exact right person to sort it out. Her name just jumped off the page of the directory and I called her. All of this just in the nick of time too. Had the first I knew about been when the bankruptcy papers had arrived, it would have been too late. Oh, and I have also learned that I ought to trust the images I get when meditating. Every time I have had a crisis, I get an image in meditation that shows the outcome. It has been correct each time. I still doubt!

John wasn't best pleased that on the Tube two young women, on separate trips, offered him their seat and on of the seats was earmarked for the elderly or infirm!

The second 50gram hank of yarn came out much more to my taste. Still not pooling but a classy spiral. I am now going to re-dye the other one. Just going to over dye some of the orange and green with the black so it is closer to the other hank in look. For some reason the black isn't in fact black, but very dark brown, like dark roast coffee beans. This is from the food colouring I have sued so far. I do have two lots of 'proper' wool dye but have yet to use it.

COMING UP FOR AIR

I was very anxious again his morning. I went for my swim at 11am. I have found if I put sleep first, I can swim better and longer. I was putting swimming first before and that didn't work out.

When I got back from the pool, having decided I'd really rather die than live in a one bed flat in London, and having figured out how to make sure I did, there was a message on Call Minder telling me that the bankruptcy has been cancelled. Just as I had seen in a meditation, but you know me and trust.....we just have to wait for the written confirmation. Also, the figure has been reduced somewhat and out tax person thinks we have more than enough to cover it and will be able to go way too.

Negotiation is still ongoing and it will still be a while before we know for sure what is what but I am assured the house is safe. I will feel better once I know for sure and it is all done and dusted. This whole experience has made me feel worse than almost 3 years ago when I had a lump on one of my balls which turned out to be benign but took 3 weeks before I knew that. I have felt far worse over this.

I have done more sock dyeing. I dyed the other 50grams of the black green and orange. It will not look the same as the one I am knitting, I hope, but who cares, I am learning how to get what I want. It's rather fun.

SHAME FACED

I went out yesterday during the day to the cinema. We saw 2012. We chose to see this at a cinema because it is a film the relies largely on special effects and they are always best seen on a large screen. I don't often go because I find it too physically uncomfortable. However, I armed myself for it. An hour before I went, I took 4 different pain killers, the maximum does of each. I considered taking a muscle relaxant as well but as I had to drive the 24 miles to and from, I thought better of it. Anyway, the drugs worked and I was able to sit out the two and a half hour film. It is always a surprise to me to discover that even when taking the full whack, I am not pain free! I still fidgeted due to discomfort in legs and hips and back and ribs. At the end I couldn't get up out of my seat without John hauling me up.

I awoke this morning full of fear and feeling tearful too. I had been fine over the weekend and was fine toward John too. I have to say I was worried about him being home but I need not have been. I did not feel anger as I feared I might. Anyway, I went for my swim and did double my normal amount of laps.

I couldn't wait to get home and inside again. I do not like being outside at all right now. The way I am feeling is similar to how I felt between 12 and 16yrs of age. I went around looking at the ground. I was lonely and afraid but nothing showed. Everyday school day I went through the same thing-being hit, spat on, tripped over, verbally humiliated, my nick name was 'shit'. Home and family was just more of the same, I found no solace there. I never lost that feeling for many years and even today, I find it very hard to go past a school and will avoid it if I can.

(It is also why I find dog shows such an effort to attend. I do it, and it is not as fearful as it was, but it isn't effortless on my part. I still have to steel myself for it. Groups of people terrify me. My PTSD really acts up too. If anyone comes up to me unexpectedly and touches me, I jump out of my skin. Thankfully I don't lash out. Oh, could you imagine that? I wouldn't last long hitting people would I? I know that for me to write about the fear I have to deal with for dog shows may seem odd when one considers the way I dress for them. I don't understand it either.)

I am not sure why, but all these feelings have come back to me. I have become afraid of being out, at least in daylight. Yes, I went swimming but I couldn't look at anyone. I feel relieved that the supermarket is 24 hour so I won't have to go until late when it is dark and empty.

I think it's stupid but I can't help the way I feel. I don't want to see anyone or talk with anyone. I don't want to put on my face. I am sure this will pass eventually and I shall return to being able to go out in the daylight and hold my head up.

Quite why I feel so ashamed when I have done nothing wrong is not clear at all to me, nor is it clear why those teenage years are back to haunt me.

I am knitting socks as usual. The merino/bamboo yarn I dyed using Kool Aid is really knitting up well, I am very pleased with the colouring. The second hand dye, in Trekking 75/25 is also coming along well. I have made up another no hole lace design and I will probably repeat this pattern for a plain coloured pair.

TIME FOR HANKING

It is still wet here. Poor people in Cumbria have severe floods. Lives have been lost. I always wonder what happens to people's pets. I couldn't leave my home and not take the the dogs.

I slept better last night though I did allow myself a little help. I don't unless it's a dog as a rule but the thought of another sleepless night...

I still have not been out. I picked up John from the station, in my pyjama's. I was glad it was dark as I really thought I night not even go to do that. I didn't go into the supermarket. Told him what I wanted, a low fat plain live yoghurt, and left him to it. I really couldn' face the idea of being out. Normally, I am itching to be able to go out. We get Daniel in the car (the electric chair) and I zoom around our large Tesco. I have no desire to leave the house right now and I felt naked for the brief time I had to yesterday.

I was okay with John too. I was scared I might not be but once again I asked for help with that. We watched the new Michael McIntyre DVD. He is very funny and whilst he does swear, he does not do offensive jokes, more observations we all identify with. He also clearly has his insecurities and this makes him funnier and endearing.

The mistake I made in writing careless words about a person who was so easily identifiable has been cleared up, I am very pleased to report. We have had pleasant email exchange and it is now behind us. I so unused to being forgiven for my mistakes. I really hated the idea I had caused pain. I had not intended to. Had the thing that upset me in the first place not happened whilst the possibility of me losing my home is hanging over my head, I am quite sure I would not have reacted the way I did.

I have done a fair bit of hanking recently. The niddy noddy is easy to use, despite video demonstrations on YouTube that make it look really hard! The drawn illustrations found elsewhere were not helpful either. Finally I just picked the damn thing up and looked at it. I knew what a hank was and I figure it out in about 15 seconds. Easy peasy as they say. Oh and now I know how the hanks get messed up too, if one is careless as one hanks. It has been one of biggest complaints about bought hanks-the hank not being done right and getting tangled as one tries to ball it.

I shall probably spend much of this weekend hanking. This way I also a pretty good idea of yardage/metreage. Already one customer asked I hank for her instead of sending the cakes.

Carly has been in season for a bout a week and has not yet got to the 'ripe' stage as Luque is still behaving himself. I shall know when Carly is ripe because he will go nuts.

Shameless will be coming back home from my dear friend Dawn. When she went there the agreement was that she not spey her until I was sure I didn't want any more from her. I do. I want to mate her to Luque. Both her previous litters produced champion quality puppies but with problems I did not want. I know that Luque has not produced any unsoundness at all so hopefully this will be a better match. Oh, don't misunderstand, Bridget is being kept and very good but she doesn't quite make the grade and Carly, who does physically make the grade, she is ch quality, has this weird skittish temperament. I am very hot on good temper and I do not want this in my line. A ch quality dog that freaks out when at a dog show is no good.

James went to his new home a week ago. Honestly, these dogs are just weird. John and I loved him but we didn't like him much. He didn't like us. He basically ignored us. Oh, he wanted the food and he would deign to wag his tail at dinner time and he might also do so if he hadn't seen either of us for a while. However, he mainly ignored us. Well, the lady and gent he went to live with were told before they came that he was quite an undemonstrative dog but easy to handle.

They arrived last Saturday morning. I let them meet the other dogs first, and then, with trepidation, I let James in to meet them, hoping he wouldn't just walk out again. The little bastard came in, took one look at the woman, and jumped on her, tail wagging furiously and licking her face non stop! She was delighted and in love. I was pleased too, despite me thinking he was an ungrateful little sod! Honestly, he had all his needs met, was cared for and loved, but still we were not good enough for him! Lhasa Apso can be like that. When we got the lead and they were ready to leave, I was thinking, here we go, this is when he will baulk. No. He practically dragged the woman to her car. He couldn't wait to leave home. Hummph!

The woman called a few days later to tell me how happy he was and how thrilled she is with him. He follows her everywhere, sits on her lap, licks her all the time and is totally house clean and eats like a pig. I am glad the little sod is happy!

I guess that is it. I am off to do so some hanking.

OUT OF THE SHADOWS

When I first started writing this blog it was anonymous. I wouldn't have started it had I not been able to remain anonymous. I also had no idea initially what I would write about. Duh! Okay, so I wrote about my knitting and designs.

Then I started, tentatively, to write about my life. Specifically about childhood trauma, sexual, emotional and physical abuse. The response to this was surprising to say the least. I got comments from other abuse survivors who had been moved by my writing or who had learned something from it. I was taken aback. I also got comments from professionals in the field of child welfare. I was astounded.

I soon began to feel guilty. Why?

Shame is one of the most corrosive aspects of the appalling suffering an abuse survivor experiences. Shame is how the abuser controls the abusee. 'What will the neighbours say?' 'You musn't tell anyone!' 'It's your fault, people will know how bad you are.'

I soon realised that I was still feeding that shame by remaining anonymous and also harming those I might help by remaining so. By keeping my anonymity, I was covertly telling other survivors to remain in the shadows, to keep their secret, to keep their shame, the very thing that was killing them and keeping them in their suffering and above all aiding and abetting abusers!

I couldn't continue to do that. Either I'd have to stop writing or I had to come out of the shadows. I chose the latter.

Whilst I sometimes experience fear, sometimes panic, knowing I am in the light, not hidden away, in secret, the therapeutic value of this no longer anonymous blog for myself and others is far greater than fear.

Those who would use what they read here to sneer, or swipe, to do me down, are the ones who have a problem. They are the abusers and I would assume they do not like having a light shined upon them.

I have already been harmed more than most would think possible, so a few people with 'a hole where their soul should be' are not going to deter me.

I had a bad night. Awoke in fear at about 4am and lay there till I finally decided to get up. I was afraid for myself, for John, our home, my dogs. Afraid I'd not just lose all that but the place in my head and spirit I have worked so hard for. There have been times recently when I have felt quite certain that this will be resolved with the house intact. There are other times, like in the early hours when I am so afraid I think my heart will stop. When I wish it would.

The effort of living feels far too much at times. What it takes to keep myself mentally, physically and spiritually capable oft times seems more than I can do. Even during less stressful times, the effort required feels enormous.

I live my life one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, like now. If I stop and think about how my body is deteriorating, how my disease is progressing, how my present physical needs and problems are just the beginning, I could not handle it. So I don't. I deal with now.

Today, I still have the dogs and a house and John and I am still physically capable enough. Tomorrow doesn't exist and when it does it will be today.

I hanker for a few hours of rest, a few hours of not hurting, completely, not the dialled down pain the drugs manage. A few hours without any mental and spiritual effort.

The closest I get to that is when I have healing at the church I go to on a Thursday evening, when I can get there. I lay on a massage couch and two, oft times three, women lay their hands upon my body. Their hands always find the places that are hurting the most, and one in particular always goes to the place in my spine that is the most damaged.

During this time, I drift off. I feel my body let go and I feel myself leave. (I imagine death is like this.) Sigh. It's wonderful. For this brief period, I am gone. I have left my body, my mind, my life behind and I am in a peaceful twilight world without a care. It doesn't last long of course.

I never expect this experience to actually heal me. I know it won't and I know that is not what it is about. Whatever it is, it is a power one can feel. The heat coming through these ladies hands is quite astounding. Really hot. Not so much one burns but hot enough to make one almost believe they are plugged in! (I know when I do this, rarely now, I feel nothing at all but the person upon whom my hands rest always report high heat. I have found that the power in my hands is most beneficial for those in physical pain.)

NOTHING TO SEE

The person I was angry with and about whom I carelessly wrote about my feelings on here (now deleted), and I, have come to an amicable understanding via email. So no need for the anonymous, and cowardly, sniping. You are not helping your friend and indeed will make it worse. Find something less sad to do with your time.

Fun

Whitney, just having had a bath and with oil conditioner still in her coat, and plaited head and whiskers. Looking down making sure the others know this is HER seat.




Carly-ooh, what's that?

Bridget-not at all sure about the thing pointing at her.

WHOOPS!

I was wrong to have written as I did the other day about the dog show incident. It did not occur to me that any dog people, other than the one or two I know who do, (friends) read my blog. Stupid I know. In the past I have always been careful to not identify anyone and I was careless in my writing about this and caused pain where I had not intended to. Some feelings and thoughts, when they could hurt others, ought not be on here. As I have always said, it matters not if I like a person or not, or how I perceive their behaviour, I have no wish to cause pain to anyone. Oh, I know I am not offered the same but that isn't my conscience to deal with is it? Some people think one should give what one gets. I don't agree. I try to behave well no matter how others behave and in this matter I behaved carelessly and I regret that.

Oh, and yes, I have realised that someone passed the information on to the person I wrote about and I know who that was so I really need choose acquaintances more carefully.

Today has been a better day. I slept late again but I did what I had to do when I got up and I also went for a swim, which was very painful, much to my surprise. Even though I had drugged up. I guess it was the tension of the last few days.

My stomach lurches every time I think of what may happen, but I am trying to keep that out of my mind, or rather stay positive about it. I ma one of these people who like to know, whatever the outcome,ratehr than be kept dangling. Bad news is better than none. Good news is of course even better. Not knowing makes me sick.

The last few days, I only took painkillers once. Last night when I suddenly realised how much I hurt. I assume the adrenaline and my mind being elsewhere just didn't let me register it. I am back to my normal routine though as today, the pain was back with a vengeance.

John and I had a long talk last night. I think things between us will be okay. I cannot imagine not being with him but at the same time can't really see things being as they have been. In fact I hope they are much better now he is not carrying such a secret.

It's is Whitney's bath day. Show or not, she needs to be done. I am probably not going to do shows for a while, even if I have entered. With all this going on, I really don't feel up to it.

I am so tired my fingers want to stop typing! I think I could sleep for a week.

THANK YOU

I briefly spoke with a friend today and felt better for doing so but found myself unable to talk with any one else or go out.

It occurred to me that I could email John with all I wanted to say. I did. We spoke about an hour ago, even though I thought I wouldn't be able to speak to him again. He isn't making excuses and sounds wretched. You know, if this had been the first time, one could more easily understand it. Putting it to me like he had some sort of phobia re the govt and officialdom, made me able to understand it, because of my own past and problems. I really feel it was put that way on purpose, to manipulate my response. It worked too until I found out that once he got the first mess sorted he proceeded to make an even bigger one. All he ever had to do was sign a form and send it back. Once a year. End of story. He even stopped paying his first accountant who got him out of the first mess. I'll never understand this and I don't think there is an excuse for it.

The tax lawyer/accountant woman says he does not owe tax, only the penalties for not filing his returns, therefore the IR(S) cannot go ahead with the bankruptcy but she has to work quickly to get it stopped. Already the last 6yrs returns are in and receipt has been acknowledged. (by the way, we call it the Inland Revenue and I know the USA calls it the IRS hence my use of both.)

I have insisted that John shows me proof that I am his beneficiary if he snuffs it. He says he will get copies and show me. I will also insist that his tax lawyer/accountant knows that he is clean as can be before I agree to marry him. Also that my name goes on the deeds to his house if he doesn't lose it over this. There is no way I am marrying him unless I know he is clean financially. I am not going to risk being on the streets again. Okay, so now I am disabled that wouldn't' happen, they have to house me, but you know what I mean. That sort of existence is miserable. I know.

You would probably have a fit if you knew how much money he earns. And knew how little we have to show for it. Don't forget, I took over the finances a few years back when I realised the debt he was in. I insisted or I'd stay put. He capitulated and I nearly died when I discovered what his salary was. Where the f*ck did all that money go? On what? and HOW are you in so much debt? Half the debt is cleared and we have still had holidays. The other half would have been cleared last month but thankfully I found out about this tax thing so have kept that sum in a savings account he can't access even though it it's in his name. He wouldn't know how. Trouble is, I think holidays are out now and the stuff we were going to do with the house upon his pension maturing is also out the window. Assuming there is a house anyway.

One thing we do need is a new car, one with a flat rear space entrance so that the chair can be put in and out via a ramp instead of the current way-we lift it. We are not going to be capable of doing that indefinitely. Apart from that, a car is a necessity. I can't get around without one and he doesn't drive.

I want to thank you all for your kind support. I can only imagine where I'd be without this electronic global village to offer me wisdom and comfort in my times of need. Who ever would even have dreamt of such a thing? Okay I know someone dreamt it for the transfer of information but this is used for far more than that. Certainly now with my limited mobility, it is a life line and also a source of almost instant information. I certainly know that I would not be where I am with my art were it not for the 'net and I would have nowhere to turn in times of need. I have always wanted to keep a diary but never managed a pen and paper one. Now I have one. And I have witnesses. THAT is so important and in a way that I think only another who suffered in secret could appreciate.

So to all my witnesses, I truly thank you. You do more for me than you know.

(I just realised I have not disassociated this last few days!)

frozen

I was going to delete yesterday's post but don't think I can now with all those comments.


I went to sleep last night at about 8 and got up at 9.30am with a pounding headache from sleeping too long. I just wanted to sleep and stay asleep.


One feeling I experience which frightens me is anger. I felt enormously angry yesterday. I had to hold myself tight and ask for help to not act upon it. One reason it frightens me and makes me feel ashamed is that it is part of me that is like my dad and I don't ever want to be like him. Sometimes though the power of it really scares me.


The overriding feeling I have is humiliation. And it is why I wanted to delete the previous post. I have written a lot about my relationship and how important it has been to me and how lucky I am to have such a partner. Everyone who has ever met him have all side the same thing: what a gentle, kind, generous man, he clearly adores you. Now I feel it has all been a sham and I have been made a fool of. I haven't set foot out the door since I found out and I don't have to this week. I don't want to. I have not felt like this for many years. it used to be so strong, I never went out at all for months on end.


I have known something is wrong for a very long time. Every time I asked, I was told no. Yet I knew something was eating at him. To think he went to court and all that crap about 8 years ago and didn't tell me! There was something I found out when he bought the house and he explained it away. There was money being taken off his salary. I accepted his explanation of it being a work loan because we had lived beyond out means. I now realise it was the tax settlement. I took charge of all financial stuff from that. I have control of all the accounts. No tax stuff has ever come here. He didn't tell them he had moved.


In one of the comments, someone said he has just 'procrastinated himself into a corner'. That I can understand. Then I think about me and the consequences for me.


I am physically disabled. I have no assets. None. I have state disability pensions and that is. I am totally dependant on him for my present life. No matter what happens, he has a career and a very high salary. He can rent somewhere. I can't. Rented places don't take dogs. Without me, his life goes on. Without him, mine stops. Or at least becomes very very difficult.
I would have to wait to be rehoused in ground floor flat with easy access. I couldn't get my chair in and out of the car. I doubt I could even keep a car.


So this is what makes it very hard for me to understand how he could have done this. If he loves me, and is who everyone has always said, how could he risk my life like this?


When I first found out about the tax situation, and I did some breaking of things and then bared myself emotionally, something I have never ever done in front of him, made myself so vulnerable, he still LIED!!!!! That is what makes feel the way I do right now. That and the fear of what may happen. I also wonder if his telling me of his feelings for me was just because he rightly thought that would shut me up.


On the practical side, his lie is the equivalent of telling a lawyer he has no previous convictions and so our lawyer has been fighting from that angle and wondering why the tax people are being so determined and disbelieving. Because he does has done this before and she didn't know that and nor did I! He has professional embarrassed her. She told me she was angry with him because had she know she would have fought this from a different angle and it is also the reason the bankruptcy has gone ahead so quickly. To be honest, if she didn't know about me, I think she might well have told him she wouldn't work for him. It was me who found her and employed her. I think she understands, being a woman, my situation.


I always prefer to see the good in people and I approach others from that perspective and usually can see why someone is being obnoxious or whatever. There but for the grace of God go I is what is usually in my mind. However, at times, like now, I think this is wrong and it is why people think I am a push over and can do and say whatever they will because 'Colin won't mind or bite'. I might not bite but I mind. I mind very much. I often feel very wounded despite my smile. I just don't get why people think they can say and do whatever they like to me. I mist give off an air of wimpery or something.


Even on the email lists there are those who seem to make it their mission to be as bitchy and unpleasant as they can be toward me and jump on every word I write and certainly they poo poo anything knowledge I may have to share. you'd think after all these years ofr working with yarn and knitting, I'd know something. But now, they'd rather listen to someone else. A woman. Or at least someone published!


I am no angel and I know I have hurt others. I have never done so deliberately. I have deep regret about how I used to be.


The worst feeling is fear and I am very tired feeling it. It feels like it is eating me from the inside out. I feel is though I am on the precipice of losing it all and even if I don't, I certainly have lost the relationship I thought I had. I can't help but feel humiliated by that, by how stupid I have been. My mum constantly told me you can't trust anyone. I couldn't trust her that is for sure but it does seem she was right.


Oh and no I don't feel I deserved my childhood, despite what I wrote yesterday. I do think I have probably asked for the present situation by believing words and to my gut. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what. Short of torture, hpw could I have gotten the truth? I would never have guessed the problem is what it is. I would never have believed anyone who told me that was what he was hiding. John? Never! What a fool I have been.


You know that feeling one has about how things are just too good to true? I have thought that for ages. The success with Whitney with no one being horrid to me, until recently. A good man. Financial security. a home. How lucky I was yet all the time this feeling that it wouldn't last. I never in a million years thought it would be John who pulled the rug from under my feet.


Of all my family, I really felt good about the fact I was the only one with a stable and good relationship. Neither of my brothers have and whilst my parents stayed married until my mum died, their relationship was hardly successful when you consider what they did to us. Now it seems none of us made it after all. I really thought I had won, despite them doing all they could to keep me down. I overcame them. I thought.(I mean it figuratively, not literally. i don't want to beat them or do them down.)

I'M DONE

Another long term friend has also yet again taken advantage of me. They have done so before and I really had to think abotu if I would allow that possibility again. For the sake of friendship, I decided I would. Guess what? They not only have not turned up with the bitch they wanted mating, they just haven't even told me. It's been two weeks. Oh and they also asked nothing about the tax situation we are in.

Finally and the worst. The bankruptcy papers have arrived. It is going ahead. Why? John has been lying again. he lied to me the day he swore he loved me and how sorry he was and there was nothing left to tell. There was plenty left to tell. he lied to me. He lied to our tax lawyer. He has done this before.(meaning he hasn't done his tax before and has been in court over it before and he didn't tell me or the tax lawye=yer) i am fucked. I will be flatbound in London, unable to go out.

You know, my parents must have been right to treat me the way they did. Everyone since has too. No respect. No nothing. Lies and more lies. Oh, Colin doesn't matter.

There is no one left. I will never trust another living soul. My so called spiritual work has to go to. How can I go and do that feeling like this? I have nothing to give. I am not nay good and judging if something is true so how can I do this in all consciousness?

you know, I hear the sneers at the dog shows, those who think I am a plonker.They are right. I have been very very foolish to have trusted anyone. I am the big idiot they say I am.
I just feel totally humiliated. I never thought any one would make me feel the way my family did. You'd think with my background of being fucked over againa nad again and again I'd see it coming. i never do.

HOW DAFT!!!!!

I allowed the negativity of yesterday to get in the way of my blog writing and two things I really ought to have mentioned.

Today is Whitney's 2nd birthday. 7cc's before she was 2 is quite amazing, especially for a black of traditional type and a nobody handler.

The second really lovely thing is that Lorraine Carter made Whitney a cake for her Championship title. She wrote on it in icing, Champion Polielin's Whitney with Tantra. I was very touched by this kind gesture. it is common practice for people to throw a buffet at the shows when a champion is made up but that is beyond my physical abilities. So thank you very much to Lorraine for doing this for me. Even more special because it was home made. People can be so kind and this helps one not be jaded and cynical. There are those who made kind remarks re Whitney''s success and still others who have stopped talking to me. However, gestures like this show me what really counts. Thank you very much.

ASTONISHING!

Yesterday was a good day at the Lhasa Apso Association of Wales and the south West's' Championship Show. Whitney gained her 7th challenge certificate and reserve Best In Show. The male, a stunning black and white, Owen, gained his first challenge certificate and went Best in Show. Like Whitney, Owen's father is my Luque. Luque and Owen were bred by Elsa Dickenson,( Terendak ) , and Whitney by my friend Linda Robinson, (Polielin.)


As it stands right now, Whitney is the joint top winning Lhasa Apso this year. A male, Jerry, also has 7cc's. There are three championship shows left this year. Whitney is going to only one of those, though I don't expect her to do well at it.

I got up and drove John to the train station and was back in bed in the space of fifteen minutes and I slept until 11.30am. I am still exhausted and hurt all over. The hall yesterday was cold. I am glad I wore my tights and thermal vest after all. Today it is very wet with high winds. I plan to do bugger all today except knit and watch Desperate Housewives.

Edit: I removed a significant portion of this post. I hate doing so but sometimes the best thing for ME is what is important. I haven't the energy to deal with nonsense. I could easily change my mind and put it back but for now this seems to be the best thing to do for myself. I do so hate being taken advantage of and people thinking they can walk all over me and I won't bite. Perhaps my physical condition makes them feel braver or makes them think my character is as weakened as my body. It's been a morphine day to day and I want to go back to bed but it's far too early for the dogs. And I haven't even watched DH!

STORMY WEATHER

Today my friend Marilyn visited and John, she and I went out to the local Italian for lunch. We quite enjoyed it. we would have meandered around town except for this awful weather. Cold, windy and wet.

The weather has been awful all over, especially in the south west and floods etc are forecast.

My show tomorrow, the Lhasa Apso Association of Wales and South West Championship Show is in Stroud, Gloucester. Where many of the weather warnings are! It ought to be clear by tomorrow though.

I am knitting two pairs of socks. One is using the yarn I was sent as a present from a knitting friend. I will report on that when they are done. The other pair is using the yarn I dyed yesterday. I decided to use the yarn over cable a la Charlene Schurch. I am quite pleased with the way this yarn is knitting up. I am using 1.75mm Hiya Hiya's. The yarn itself feels really good, 80% merino 20% bamboo. This mix is fast becoming my favourite.

I am wearing a black and white ensemble tomorrow with a red turtle neck. No photograph but maybe I can get one tomorrow. It includes Dr Martens in white with black stars on them.

HERE you can see a picture of Whitney when she took RBIS in Scotland, along with the BIS and the other winners.

MY FIRST HAND JOB

I dyed my first sock yarn. This 80% Merino and 20% Bamboo. I dissolved 4 different Kool Aids in little pots with hot water. I had already laid the hank of yarn out on the cling film. I took a 10ml syringe and I squirted till I was done. I then wrapped it up and nuked it for 4mins. I turned it over and nuked it again for 2 mins.
When I unwrapped it there was nothing but some clean water. I washed it in Fairy and then spun it. Dried it on the radiator. Nothing came out in the wash. The look is what I had in mind. Now lets see what it looks like knitted.

The young ones looked on, fascinated. Actually, I think they thought it might be food.

SOCK 63 - GRAPES OF WRATH

I knitted these using a yarn I bought from MamaMi on Etsy. I used 90sts and 1.75mm Hiya Hiya circulars.

They are toe up using my Andersson Construction Method and I have utilised the Andersson heel Mach II.
I especially like the way the colours have distributed.

DESPERATE HOUSEHUSBAND

You might like to see THIS.

So far we have found out that the tax situation is such that they owe him money, not the other way around. He has been paying too much tax for years. That doesn't mean all is okay, it isn't as bankruptcy papers have been filed, though not yet heard. Our tax expert is acting as fast as possible to stop this going through. Ridiculously, even though the money is not owed, the bankruptcy can still happen because the court will go with the IR. Unfair is not the word. Criminal. Some person sitting in an office somewhere cam up with a fictitious figure and that means we could lose everything for a bill not outstanding because it was never owed. I'd would not have beleived this possible if it were not happening to us.

I am almost finished with Sock 63. I love the colourway on these and the way the colours have distributed.

I also have got to grips with my niddy noddy so will soon be making loads of hanks. Some with my undyed sock yarn for dyeing, others will be cashmeres and silks and yak and other luxury yarns for sale.

I am going to knit a pair of socks using my 4ply pure wool to see how it holds up. I have tonnes of it and lots of colours so if it works, I have a load more sock yarn to add to my sock yarn mountain. I mean stash.

I watched Collateral Damage yesterday with Arnold you know who. Boy, can that man not act! Still, I was in the mood for that type of moronic fast paced film. It satisfied my pent up feelings.

I also began watching series 5 of Desperate Housewives. I feel as though I have missed a whole series because I don't get what has happened. I don't recall the car accident, Lynette's children growing up, Brie's hubby going to prison, the Eva character having children nor her hubby going blind. I feel as though I have stepped into the middle of it and don't know what is going on.

My favourite character is Brie. Yes I know she is awful but I just can't help it. Susan gets on my tits. How irritating she is. Evie is just unpleasant even if one ought to feel compassion for such a self loathing person. Lynnette is probably the one I'd be friends with along, possibly, with Brie, depending on how long I could resist the urge to strangle her.

I am still feeling pretty much okay. The new regime of drugs and the new swimming timetable is working so much better for me. I can tell because I have also started to lose weight again.Instead of exhausting myself by rising at 5am and swimming a mile, I rise at 6.30am get to the pool for 8.20am and swim only breast stroke until I feel I have had enough. It has been painful recently but not so bad. Weirdly, it is my shins and feet that hurt me mostly right now, especially upon walking.

WICKED

Today has started off better than I expected. I am not so scared or wound up as yesterday. I slept better last night which is weird considering yesterday's news. My swim started off painful but got better and I was not as crippled when I got out as I was yesterday.

If we lose our house, I'd rather die than return to living solely in the flat. It is not at all suitable for me. I'd be trapped. I could not get my wheelchair in it, let alone up and down the stairs to the flat. The nearest supermarket is a car ride away. No where to leave my car outside the flat. No dogs. No knitting machines. I'd have to part with most of my boots and clothing. Never mind the fact of all the homophobic abuse and attacks I got there. Bricks through the windows, wrecked car, physical assault. I could not live like that again. Popping off to the next world, or THE END is the better option by far.

What really p*sses me off is that the tax is not even owed! But it seems that once a court has made a decision, it can't be undone. The IR basically decided on an arbitrary figure and filed suit. The fact John is a PAYE tax payer means nothing to them it seems. That fact would tell them he has paid his tax because it is taken before he gets any money. It seems vindictive that just because he didn't send in the form, they are willing to bankrupt him just for the hell of it. Yes, fine him. That's the law. To destroy all that he has is just plain wicked. We are assured by the tax accountant that she can stop this going further even though it is in the final stages. I am still scared.

I have a dog show this coming Sunday (15th). It is a long way away, in Stroud. It is The Lhasa Apso Association of Wales and The South West Championship Show. I ma not really in the mood for a dog show but I will go.

The weather has turned cold this last few dyas. Winter is here. Around 2-4c (mid 30'sf). Fog for most of the morning yesterday and today. Not even the very heavy coated dogs are keen on the cold! Though if it snows, that is wholely different matter. They will frolic in that all day. They adore snow as do I though my frolicking days are long gone! (In the snow that is.)

I have been playing both Lily Allen albums a lot recently. I like her very much. Her lyrics are so cogent and I like the way she delivers. Thanks be to Joan who sent the link to her F*ck You song on You Tube.

Another new cd is also because of a knitting email pal, Beverley. The Noisetttes. Very different to Ms Allen but very enjoyable. This last two years I have added James Blunt, Duffy, Adele, Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Beth Rowley, Thomas Otten, The Medieval Babes, Nova Menco, Karunesh, Katie Melua and Noissettes to my collection.

I just had a call from the tax accountant. The situation is far far worse than at first thought. She swears she can sort it, that it isn't too late to stop the worst happening. I feel scared and I know John feels much worse. I said my bit when I first found out. All I was concerned about is that he is dealing with this okay and not freaking out. I am not freaking out, I am scared for our home but I am scared for him too. The accountant spoke with us both separately and she dealt with us the way a counsellor would. I was most impressed. It's weird, she is like a long term friend that seems to know us both really well. She has sworn she will work round the clock to sort this and prevent it going the full course. I only found out just in time about all this to stop it. I thank God the credit card company wrote and told us there was a credit report problem. That is how I found out. Had they not done that, that would have been it. The whole lot would be lost.

Even though she has assured me that the worst will not happen, I find it hard to accept it 100%. I feel weird about her too. I trust her and just knew I had got the right ewprson to halep us and after todays;'s long talks to us both, I still think she is the right one. I cannot imagine a large company or some office accoutnat taking this amount of care and concern.

GOLLY GOSH

I don't know what was up with me this morning. Perhaps the fog outside got into my brain. I drove John to the train station and then went to the pool. I do both these things every Monday. When I got into the pool, I realised I had not taken any drugs. Not my heart and gut stuff nor my pain killers. Fortunately I had taken a couple of sprays of GTN as I always do before exertion so I knew my bp would stay down. I was not prepared though for the amount of pain the swimming produced, most especially in my feet. My feet have been playing up recently, crunching when I walk and sometimes feeling like I am walking on broken glass. So now I know just what the PK's do! I have now been taking them regularly for the last 10 days and I do feel better. I also realised that one of the reasons I have had such a hard time with them, and have still been feeling pangs of guilt/shame, is taking them when I am not in pain. That seems weird to me. Okay, so with me there is no such thing as not being in pain, I mean not in bad pain. I accept though that taking the pills regularly is necessary in order to keep it bay. Even the Tramadol information leaflet says they are for pain or pain PREVENTION. You must be bored reading my damn drugs by now.

On the knitting front I bought one of THESE. I really like it. So much better than the metal umbrella thing I have which clamps on to a table. This I can place on my Granny Tray and wind with the whole lot sitting comfortably on my lap. I have already balled several hanks. it is so tempting to cast on another pair of socks but I have resisted. I do not like to have more than one pair on the needles. I will have a sweater on the needles as well, only one, and maybe one on the machine also, but I won't have more than one pair of socks, more than one sweater, on the needles.

I am waiting for one of THESE to arrive also. I can use this to make hanks of some of my yarns for dyeing and also for winding the speciality, luxury yarns I have on cone into hanks for sale on Ebay.

We saw W. It did help me understand him better, not that it told me anything I didn't already suspect. My major thought all the way through the film was 'how the hell did they elect him at all, never mind twice!?'. How embarrassing. And terrifying.

We also saw Mad Money which was quite amusing but really a bit flat. I like Queen Latifah very much and also Diane Keaton. Not so sure that the message of the film was appropriate!

New in Town was another film. Renee Zellweger, a favourite, along with Harry Connick Jr, good looking. This film was flat too. I said to John when Rennee first met the Harry character, shall we FF to them getting married? What really really really really p*ssed me off about this dvd was not being able to bypass the adverts! How dare they force us to watch them? So arrogant. So unethical. It disgusts me and makes me want to throw things at the telly. I'd love to meet the arse*ole who decided it was okay to treat us with such disrespect.

I finished reading Dan Brown's THE LOST SYMBOL. I enjoyed it as I have all of his books. However, I was very disappointed that he used the word 'invalid' to describe a person in wheelchair!! How did that get past him or his editor? Disgraceful. It's 2009 for goodness sake.

It took all day Friday to renew my Blue Badge. Still I won't have to do that for another 3 years now. The woman who dealt with me was very pleasant and made it a pleasure. She was clearly taken with John and I. We had a good laugh and a chat. I was amazed that she was the same age as I. I kid you not when I say I'd have believed she 30. Clearly, 'black don't crack' as Oprah says. I don't believe I have ever seen anyone look this young who is not without surgery etc. She was make-up and surgery free.

Saturday we did domestic things like haircuts, shopping and stuff. However, the temperature has dropped to around 5c and so I had more pain than usual. Not that that stopped me shopping. I think only a coma would prevent me shopping.

Yesterday, we went to Serpentine Green Centre. I bought a red pair of leather gloves. When the woman took my card I discovered that the gloves were on sale and were only £2.99!!!! I do love a bargain. They fit like a glove too. (I normally buy a ladies medium.)

I bought two shirts, one red with with pin stripes and one blue with pin stripes. I only have about 50 shirts so these were a necessary buy.

We used up our £30 worth of vouchers in Tesco. We both really dislike this supermarket but really do not have much of choice about where we shop unless we are willing to travel 30 miles to the best supermarket, Morrissons. There is Waitrose only 24 miles away but it is expensive and quality middle class and doesn't have all we need as it's also small.

Anyway, this is supposedly the largest Tesco's in Britain, or it was. Yet it still can't keep stocked with ordinary items. With it being so big, one would expect to be able to buy more upmarket products. One used to be able to. Not now. I particularly like Belazu Balsamic Vinegar. It is thick and real and very tasty and it is not cheap. They don't bother to stock it now. John couldn't get his multigrain bread or cheese twist bakes. Staples!

Of course, despite my bright coloured boots, my green hat and gloves and cashmere sweater, and the size of my electric wheelchair, I am still invisible it seems. I think it is time I got a machine gun to attach to one of the arms.

I am off to bed now. This is my secret to being devastatingly handsome. Sleeping. No creams. Just drugs and sleep. (I am still waking every 2 hours. That is a pita, as rude people say. I don't swear. So common - like my friend Sarah....)

COMPASSION OR BLAME?

READ THIS (click)

I commented thus:

I have been penniless and homeless and on the streets. I don't forget. I also look people in the eyes regardless of whether or not I give.
I am now in the position of often having to ask for help because of disability. It brings up many of the same feelings that poverty and
homelessness did. The important thing is that I ignore my pride and I ask...most of the time.I have a very good life now. I am thankful each day because I know how fragile it all is. The person who suggested we don't look because we fear being there ourselves, is dead right. In our spirit we know we are looking at ourselves in different circumstances and it is scary. To feel compassion is good and painful. Blame is easy and the cowardly way.

I'll add I think this woman is courageous. Both for her action that day and for writing about it on her blog.

Ebay Destash

 click here Botany wool, Cashmere mixes


More to go on this weekend.

FEELING MYSELF

Well, taking the pain meds on a regular basis really seems to be working out well. More than I would have thought. I have had no sugar cravings. Coincidence? My mood is better and I am not so short tempered. Coincidence? I do know that one of the things I was afraid of was the drugs changing my mood. It is 'mood altering' drugs that i have been taught to steer clear of. I have realised that I am not high. I just am in a better mood because I don't hurt so f'ing much! I can be a right twat (idiot) sometimes.

The postman has brought me surprises this week. Oh, okay, the postman is in fact Flora, and she is a lesbian. And no she isn't at all mannish. But I digress. I ordered Twisted Stitches by Maria Erlbacher, published by Schoolhouse Press. I had to order it it from Amazon.com as Amazon.co.uk did not stock it. I had seen the book on Fuguestateknits' blog. The information told me to expect the book in several weeks time. It took a few days to arrive. I love the book. Oh and I also got the Vogue Sock Book and Cokkie A's book. Not sure why, but what the hell.

The second surprise, even though I knew it was coming, was a hank of Wollmeise. I had seen that a blog/email friend had bought some at a fair and I wrote and asked if I could possibly buy some from her. I really expected the answer to be no as I know Wollmeise is a bugger to get hold of. Not only did this dearly lady not say no, she sent it to me as a gift!!! I haven't mentioned her name because she may prefer to be anonymous. The colours are gorgeous, black, and rusts, going from light to dark. It feels very nice and there is 160+ grams of it so plenty for a nice long pair.

I watched a film this afternoon called The Women. It was okay to watch whilst I knitted. Clever in that not one man appeared in the whole film, unless one did whilst I was twisting a stitch. I am not too sure what the point was or whom it was aimed at since these were all very rich women except for the 'mistress' who was a perfume sales girl. Come to think of it I think this film was snobby and pretentious and they portrayed the mistress as a common working class slut. Perhaps this wasn't a very nice film.

I have just started to watch the seventh series of 24. No I do not fancy Bauer. Not at all. I cannot resist watching this though. If only to wonder how many times this guy can survive what would have killed a lesser man in the first episode of the first series! The whole thing is very silly and very macho and very American and politically incorrect but I enjoy it anyway.

Oh and Carly Simon's new album, Never Been Gone, has arrived and I have listened once. I am not sure what I think. It contains re-workings of her own songs. I always find this difficult and is one reason why hearing songs live that I have only heard on record is not my favourite thing. Her voice though still does it for me. (not THAT but she has always made me feel.)

PIGSBUM!

On Saturday, a friend, Leive, visited. We wandered around town and had lunch in a nice Italian restaurant we hadn't really noticed before.

I watched the second series of Dirty Sexy Money, a deliciously awful Dynasty/Dallas type drama. It was cancelled but obviously they didn't know that when the last of series two was made so I am left hanging and having to make up my own endings for the characters. Pigsbum!

I watched The Reader. A very well made and acted film. Melancholy to say the least. I felt such compassion for the lead character, played by Kate Winslet(boy she can act), but do not condone or excuse what she did.

I was bothered by the sexual relationship between a 15 year old boy and a woman in her 30's. Had that been a man and a 15 ryr old girl, or a man and 15 yr old boy or a woman and a 15 yr old girl, I think this film would not have made it to the cinema or at least not without an awful lot of condemnation.

We also watched the BBC series of Emma and Desperate Romantics. The former being a Jane Austen novel adaptation and the latter being about the The Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood - artists in Britain in the mid 1800's. Jane Austen was clearly a feminist. Quite something for a woman in her day. Although I thoroughly enjoy watching period dramas, I can't help but be aware of how awful life used to be for all concerned. Not just the lack of modern medicine, gadgets, etc but the rigidity of ideas and especially how children were treated. (Austen was also clearly aware that children thought and felt just like adults did and thus their treatment in her day was abusive. She really was ahead of her time in her thinking.)

I think anyone who thinks life is worse now than it used to be, needs their heads tested or just needs to either remember well or get educated. The song 'One day At A Time' which makes me want to puke, despite the fact I do live my life one day a time, has these lines in it that is just so ignorant and facile! It says:

Do you remember, when you walked among men
Well Jesus you know if you're looking below
It's worse now, than then
Cheating and stealing, violence and crime

I have the urge to machine knit but as yet just haven't found the energy. My new socks, with a yarn I got from Mama Mi on Etsy, are coming along nicely. Very nice colours and distribution there of.

I have been taking my pain meds every 6 hours for the last 5 days and it is working out much better so far. I only take 3 x a day, not 4, but that seems to be okay for now. ( PIGSBUM! Australian exclamation.)

Sock 62

These are knitted using Regia's Kaffe Fassett Design Line. I used 2mm needles. I used my Andersson Construction Method and Andersson Heel Mach II. As you can see, these socks are shorter than my usual socks. The yarn is the same weight and length but the row gauge is quite different. As I have known for years, and others doubt(!), colour alters gauge.

I knitted these on 2.25 at first because I  was trying to get them to pattern like the picture-Galaxy. I couldn't. Then I went to my preferred size, 2mm and thought I'd just stick with that. Silly me wasn't knitting with the Galaxy yarn as I had first thought which is why the pattern didn't appear!

NOW I GET IT!

Writing here really does me a lot of good. It generates responses. Those responses teach me, even if it takes repeating the same thing until the light comes on in my head. The light has come on regarding my pain drugs! I shall explain.

More than one person has suggested MJ to deal with my condition. This is amusing because I used to use MJ for precisely that reason, although I didn't know that was the reason. Makes sense? No of course not.

When I had my first MJ joint, I LOVED it. Yes, it made me laugh, yes it made sex wild, but most importantly I was able to let go and relax and I could keep still. I was able to sit still and watch tv or read. I didn't have to keep moving or get up and down. Bear in mind that in those days, I was shut off from my feelings. I was still in a dissociative state all the time.(as an example, I had a liver biopsy and had no pain relief because I was not present emotionally.)

Gradually my use of MJ increased. I gained weight, a lot of it. I also began to be able to think about my past with no feelings attached. This set me on the road to recovery. However, the MJ use was a problem. I saw it as a addiction, as did others. I stopped and always restarted. Whenever I stopped I felt awful. I couldn't sleep. I hurt all over. To cut this very short, I kept being told it was my imagination, there was no withdrawal from MJ use. What I did not know was, and nor did anyone else, and the Dr I had at the time could not have cared less, was that I was ILL! This was the reason the MJ had impacted me the way it had in the first place. It gave me pain relief more or less immediately. I was unaware of that. I know this sounds weird to those who do not experience 24/7 pain but you can have it and not be aware of it. I did used to complain to the Dr about not being able to be still. I know I woke at night when I moved because it hurt. No one seemed to take any of this on board so I thought it was NORMAL. That and the fact I had been taught all my life to 'not make a fuss' and besides that, it was always my 'imagination'.

When I did eventually stay off the MJ long enough, and the withdrawal did not go away, I don't know what I thought. I just accepted that I felt terrible and that it was probably my fault. I just got on with life as best I could.

Then I got my present GP of 11 years. She knew str8 away I was ill. She also knew I did not trust her or any medical professional. She waited until trust grew and also waited for me to tell her I was ill. I never did. Until I was rushed to hospital by a screaming ambulance. I was in much pain and it was assumed I was having heart attack. I wasn't and I knew I wasn't and I tried to tell them that but they knew better and basically told me to shut up.

I knew I wasn't because 1. the pain was not inside my chest and 2. this pain was just a worse version of pain I'd had for many years. The following morning the heart doctor told me I had not had a heart attack (duh!) but when had I injured my neck? HUH? I hadn't, I told him. Then why can't you move your head? Pardon? He showed me by telling me to follow his finger as he moved it. I moved only my eyes. He was right, my neck had very little movement. Okay, so this was when I started having all sorts of tests. And you know where I am today. Being treated properly and knowing what is wrong with me.

So what has this got to do with MJ and my pain meds? A lot!

You see, I considered myself an addict. I now see that as incorrect for the aforementioned reasons. However, I had learned a lot about addiction. Plus I am prone to feeling guilt/shame. I also knew that people who use drugs recreationally for for reasons other than they are supposed to, get hooked and are 'using'.

It could be argued that a lot of my 'education' on this subject was 'cult like'. To me, taking my pain meds when I was not in severe pain was using. So I have had this battle going inside me for years. It is why I had the script for Tramadol for 2 years before I gave in and took it. It is also why I didn't take the morphine when first prescribed. It doesn't quite explain the paracetamol as that is not in the same class but it was still a drug to me!

Basically, I had had a lot of addiction crap pumped into me by ignorant lay people who were addicts themselves and who assumed what applied to them applied to me. I was programmed by my past experiences to succumb to this 'education'. So for years I have suffered pain and felt guilt / shame each time I succumbed and took the drugs.

This last few days I have taken my drugs on regular basis. I do now understand why this is necessary. Several health professionals and other pain suffers have written to me and explained why. It makes sense. Even the information with the Tramadol says it is for the treatment or PREVENTION of pain!!!! As a result I feel much better. The pain has dialled down a lot. Not to zero but enough.

I am very lucky in that I feel no side effects at all from my drugs, either in mood or in feeling sick. The only side effect I get is pain relief.

I am somewhat surprised at the amount of trepidation and shame I have felt while writing this. I knew that to explain my issue with the pain meds, which doesn't make sense without the whole picture, would mean me explaining my MJ history and my involvement with 'recovery groups' and how that has f*cked up my thinking about my situation. I still feel shame about taking the drugs. I don't about taking the drugs for my heart and intestines. I take them, no questions. I just learned that to take drugs for pain relief was using.

I also recall a woman at the meetings who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and once she was taking morphine for it, she was asked to stop coming to the groups as her 'using' was affecting others. Appalling I know but you know for someone like me, susceptible then to cult like pressure, my shame around drugs grew and grew. It was as if this poor woman was not well enough to cope with her disease without using! That seemed to be the attitude.

Gosh, I hadn't realised the depth of screwed up thinking around this. Just goes to show that no matter how far one has come, there is always further to go.