Another long term friend has also yet again taken advantage of me. They have done so before and I really had to think abotu if I would allow that possibility again. For the sake of friendship, I decided I would. Guess what? They not only have not turned up with the bitch they wanted mating, they just haven't even told me. It's been two weeks. Oh and they also asked nothing about the tax situation we are in.
Finally and the worst. The bankruptcy papers have arrived. It is going ahead. Why? John has been lying again. he lied to me the day he swore he loved me and how sorry he was and there was nothing left to tell. There was plenty left to tell. he lied to me. He lied to our tax lawyer. He has done this before.(meaning he hasn't done his tax before and has been in court over it before and he didn't tell me or the tax lawye=yer) i am fucked. I will be flatbound in London, unable to go out.
You know, my parents must have been right to treat me the way they did. Everyone since has too. No respect. No nothing. Lies and more lies. Oh, Colin doesn't matter.
There is no one left. I will never trust another living soul. My so called spiritual work has to go to. How can I go and do that feeling like this? I have nothing to give. I am not nay good and judging if something is true so how can I do this in all consciousness?
you know, I hear the sneers at the dog shows, those who think I am a plonker.They are right. I have been very very foolish to have trusted anyone. I am the big idiot they say I am.
I just feel totally humiliated. I never thought any one would make me feel the way my family did. You'd think with my background of being fucked over againa nad again and again I'd see it coming. i never do.
I'm not willing to let this go...
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Knitting is still going on, but I've lost of bit of the mojo. It's OK I
always get it back and I highly doubt it won't this time as well. I am
t...
5 months ago
23 comments:
This is just terrible! How do you know John lied to you when he said he loved you? Why would he have stayed with you all these years if he didn't love you? I don't understand.
I'm so sorry you feel badly. I wish there were something I could do, other than just type words. I do hope you find some kind of peace again and I hope you are NOT flatbound in London, again. That's the way I feel in Virginia, and I know it feels terrible.
My thoughts are with you often.
I do so very much hope something works out well for you again soon.
I wish there was something I could do or say to help you at this time. Know only that you are very much in my thoughts and if peace of mind could be sent by wishing, it is on its way in abundance to you.
Hi Colin, I am so sorry for all that things that happen to you. Keep hope. I am sure that in his manner John loves you. Is there anything I could do to help you ?
Colin, I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. No one deserves this treatment. I can only imagine how you feel, I have my own crap to deal with (Hubby has been out of work since last January).
I wish that there was something that I could say...it is hard having a heart of flesh instead of one of stone.
I will hope for you to feel better soon. You are not responsible for other people's actions; only for your own. Hang in there.
Colin, I don't know you (except to read about knitting and dogs on your blog), but I am worried about you. You sound like you're truly in despair. I don't like to hear you talking like this. Please call a therapist or doctor and get some help.
Colin, I am so so sorry. You really don't deserve this, and you KNOW that the way your parents treated you was totally undeserved by you. You are a very strong, worthy person - and even though I only met you the once (when you did the Learn to Knit stand last year at the NEC) I came away thinking how cool you were.
There can be nothing more horrifying than having your trust broken by the people who you should be able to trust to the end of the earth. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but please don't let this stop you from trusting anyone ever again. You are strong and you will get through it, and I know you will rise to the challenge.
Thinking of you.
Kate x
I'm so sorry you've been treated badly. I think you're a lovely person. Please don't give up being a trusting soul. I, too, am trusting and have been treated like shit by those whom I thought were friends because I didn't do what they thought I should when they thought i should do it. But I go on because even though I have a terminal disease, the benefits far outweigh the negative. It is far better to be trusting than to be cynical. It makes you the special person you are.
Oh boy, this must be a bad dream.
What is going on? with the tax situation and bankrupcy and people screwing around with you.
THEY must have a problem, and you just happen to be involved in it unknowingly.
I still hope, this will get sorted out somehow, and you will not be stuck in a situation not good for you with circumstances not suiting your health and ability levels.
Wishing for you to have this sorted out is all I can do, but I do it wholeheartedly.
It's never stupid to trust - trust is about you, not them. Thinking of you
Colin DOES matter. Colin IS important. Colin has given himself, his honesty, his truth, his pain and joy to me and people like me. Colin may not feel loved, but he is loved and respected by me as I read his blog and I can face the difficult days knowing that there is someone out there who knows how they feel and has lead the way in courage, making it easier for me to follow because I have an expample of courage and dignity in action to light my way.
I am writing to you in the third person in case using a personal pro-noun is too painful.
You are STILL Colin, you are still YOU with all your positive and uplifting ways. NO-ONE who has hurt and betrayed you can take that away from you, or they would have changed you by now.
Colin - the person you are, is indestructable because nothing that has been done to you has altered who you are inside,and it never will.
email me if I can help or share with you to ease your pain XXX
Colin, I very nearly wrote to you last night as I was having a contretemps with someone on a list (that's as far as I'll go in the identification stakes). I thought of writing to you because I trust your judgement and advice. My rule about internet is that I say nothing I wouldn't say swinging a bell on the village green.
Bankruptcy - do you and John have a civil partnership? I'm sorry I can't remember. If you don't, get yourself to a different tax lawyer and do whatever you can to isolate your own assets. Even if you do, a different tax lawyer might be a good idea. Remember that even if backruptcy were to go ahead, your disabilities mean that you can keep stuff other people wouldn't be allowed to keep.
I wish I had the room to be able to say "come stay here a while". I'd give up my bed and sleep on the settee, but, alas, you'd be without your precious dogs: B'Elana says "no". And you don't argue with a Klingon rotweiler, however sweet she is.
Saying your parents must have been right is self-pity. Not a surprise, since you were long ago programmed to think along those lines, but it's self pity nonetheless, and it's not part of the Colin I know.
Spiritual work... give it some time. I work principally through the Tarot and there are days when I really feel I am just going through the motions, while other days I'm really buzzing with the energy. Feeling down is a sure way to cut myself off.
Who the hell else but you would dare present themselves at dog shows like you do? I know it takes a lot of confidence because after my John died, two and a half years ago, I decided to stay in the village, even if I was 'the only gay in the village'. Now I discover that it's pretty much an open secret that I have aids, and are people bothered? Nope. (And I have plenty of offers of lifts to the health centre and nearest shops which are ten miles away...)
Tackle first things first and concentrate on the money matters. Prioritise the rest. Decide how many chances people have to let you down (I'm soft hearted and give people a third chance after 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me') But after the third one, there's no appeal.
I've sent you a separate email with my phone numbers in it in case you've lost them. I'm around pretty much most of the time, though I take my sleepers at nine or ten and there tend not to make much sense till the next day. IF YOU NEED TO TALK PHONE ME!!!!
I am now going to worry about you until I see this post online, or I see another more upbeat post from you, or until you phone me. If you need a bolthole for a few days, please warn me so I can change the bed linen (I'll sleep on the settee) and remember not to look at all the dog hair floating round the floor. And I'm still going to worry for/about you!
Your parents were not right to treat you badly. John was not right to lie to you and cause you so much pain. And you are not right when you put yourself down. You are an amazing person who has survived in spite of stupid, mean, and unloving people. I am sorry that you will be stuck in a flat but you are a respectable person with a kind heart. It is clear that your dogs feel your love and they give love back to you. Life can be difficult but we must keep good thoughts and our chin up. I don't know why John is acting this way but I do know that you are a good person. You are loving, helpful and fun. You have a great sense of humor. Most important, you do not deserve to be treated badly! You have value and worth and there are better people out there who can appreciate the good person you are. You attract bad people but that does not make you bad. Every cloud has a silver lining so you must be patient for the good things to come your way.
You are special and important.
Oh Knitman, don't dispare (dispair?) well, however you spell it, I hope you won't wallow in it too long. Your life is what you make of it and being a trusting person is beautiful. Shame on those who have hurt you and taken advantage of your trusting nature. Don't let their bad behavior and immoral conduct change who you are. Hold your head up high and be true to yourself. You are accountable only to yourself, maybe a higher power, but not to anyone else. Just keep doing what you know is right and live your life happy, regardless of what those around you do, say or think. Hope you have a better day tomorrow!! I have learned to distance myself from so called friends (and family) who put me down and go out of their way to be hurtful or who discourage me. None of us need someone in our lives that demoralizes us or makes us doubt our abilities or value. How sad their lives must be, and how miserable they must be, to go around inflicting negativity and pain on someone else. Would you take advantage of someone else's sweet and trusting nature? I think not. Be proud of who you are every day, and if you find you have said or done something that you don't like, try to make it right, change your behavior and move on. We only have today - yesterday is in the past and doesn't matter anymore. Tomorrow will never be here because when we get there - it will today again. Live in the moment and be yourself - and like who you are! Happy knitting Knitman! You will bring joy to someone else's life today - you just might not know it at the time!! Take care!
Goo
Oh dear, what a mess. Please don't think this way. I am sure it will be straightened out. You must try and be strong. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. Don't do anything rash. Trust is such a delicate thing and it can be damaged so easily. Believe me I know. (One of these days we will have a talk) You must talk this thing out with your partner when you are calmer. Being this upset is not good for your physical or mental health. From what you have said in the past I very much doubt that his actions were meant to be deliberately cruel to you. He procrastinated himself into a corner and then was afraid to "own up." The very thing he was afraid of has happened and you are both in a panic now.
Sending you a hug, Susan
Sweet Colin, this just breaks my heart. You have indeed had a difficult time with the people in your life of late. You must not let it harden you. You have come so very far from your horrid childhood. There are always people who are less than perfect and we can't know why they make the decisions they do. Some are carrying heavy loads that we don't know about or understand. Draw on your own strength - and you have much more than you can imagine - to get you through the next little while. Perhaps you are the strongest one now. The honest, good, secure, loving person you've become may be what others are needing right now. Don't you dare let anyone fracture the person you've worked so hard to become. So what if trust/promises/relationships are broken? YOU AREN'T. You are stronger than all of these. Others will have to look at themselves in the mirror. You just be happy to see yourself there!
Colin DOES matter.
These are only words I can share, your post left me stunned.
Yes, Colin does matter. I dreamed about you last night and all was well. I hope it's prophetic. Hugs to you. Just remember that happiness is a warm puppy and those you have lots of.
Colin, you will get through this. You have resources you are aware of and some you never knew you had. John loves you - he may have lied about other things, but I believe he loves you. You are afraid because your security is threatened. Boy can I understand that. You WILL get through this and if all the posts before haven't convinced you, believe me, you matter. You have had an impact on people all over the globe. Believe it - and please don't stop the spiritual work - you bring hope and love to so many. You can't get that from nothing!
Hugssssssss!
Joan
Colin, I had such a hard time trying to get to sleep last night, thinking about your situation and realizing there's nothing I can do except say the following. It's OK to feel humiliated, sad and angry. You've had a terrible shock. You must be just dizzy with worry. I see some good advice in the previous messages on this post. I also have childhood experiences which can come roaring back when something bad happens and I feel betrayed. It's good that you can express it, at least on your blog, and let some of the (self) poison out. After that you need to look at your post again and see that you are worthy, you are a good person, smart and capable, and you will be able to deal with this situation. It won't be easy and probably not quick, but you will survive. You must look after yourself first. Please talk to someone professional if you can, it's hard to think clearly when your drowning. Lots of love, Valerie
Colin, I had such a hard time trying to get to sleep last night, thinking about your situation and realizing there's nothing I can do except say the following. It's OK to feel humiliated, sad and angry. You've had a terrible shock. You must be just dizzy with worry. I see some good advice in the previous messages on this post. I also have childhood experiences which can come roaring back when something bad happens and I feel betrayed. It's good that you can express it, at least on your blog, and let some of the (self) poison out. After that you need to look at your post again and see that you are worthy, you are a good person, smart and capable, and you will be able to deal with this situation. It won't be easy and probably not quick, but you will survive. You must look after yourself first. Please talk to someone professional if you can, it's hard to think clearly when your drowning. Lots of love, Valerie
Oh, Colin...I only just found this now...when I am just about to go off to my daughter's school for a conference...damn! I wish there was something I could say or do...but know I am thinking of you, and hoping things will get sorted out in some good way. You matter. You can't imagine how much!
((((((((((MEGA HUGS)))))))))) and much love,
Paula
Colin
You do matter. You are a wonderful person, full of life and love for other people. I too was mistreated by my family, always looked at as the troublemaker, still am by my brothers now that mom and dad are gone. But I also know the love of a good man and my children and a few good friends. Stick it out, keep moving forward and have faith in yourself.
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