I went out yesterday during the day to the cinema. We saw 2012. We chose to see this at a cinema because it is a film the relies largely on special effects and they are always best seen on a large screen. I don't often go because I find it too physically uncomfortable. However, I armed myself for it. An hour before I went, I took 4 different pain killers, the maximum does of each. I considered taking a muscle relaxant as well but as I had to drive the 24 miles to and from, I thought better of it. Anyway, the drugs worked and I was able to sit out the two and a half hour film. It is always a surprise to me to discover that even when taking the full whack, I am not pain free! I still fidgeted due to discomfort in legs and hips and back and ribs. At the end I couldn't get up out of my seat without John hauling me up.
I awoke this morning full of fear and feeling tearful too. I had been fine over the weekend and was fine toward John too. I have to say I was worried about him being home but I need not have been. I did not feel anger as I feared I might. Anyway, I went for my swim and did double my normal amount of laps.
I couldn't wait to get home and inside again. I do not like being outside at all right now. The way I am feeling is similar to how I felt between 12 and 16yrs of age. I went around looking at the ground. I was lonely and afraid but nothing showed. Everyday school day I went through the same thing-being hit, spat on, tripped over, verbally humiliated, my nick name was 'shit'. Home and family was just more of the same, I found no solace there. I never lost that feeling for many years and even today, I find it very hard to go past a school and will avoid it if I can.
(It is also why I find dog shows such an effort to attend. I do it, and it is not as fearful as it was, but it isn't effortless on my part. I still have to steel myself for it. Groups of people terrify me. My PTSD really acts up too. If anyone comes up to me unexpectedly and touches me, I jump out of my skin. Thankfully I don't lash out. Oh, could you imagine that? I wouldn't last long hitting people would I? I know that for me to write about the fear I have to deal with for dog shows may seem odd when one considers the way I dress for them. I don't understand it either.)
I am not sure why, but all these feelings have come back to me. I have become afraid of being out, at least in daylight. Yes, I went swimming but I couldn't look at anyone. I feel relieved that the supermarket is 24 hour so I won't have to go until late when it is dark and empty.
I think it's stupid but I can't help the way I feel. I don't want to see anyone or talk with anyone. I don't want to put on my face. I am sure this will pass eventually and I shall return to being able to go out in the daylight and hold my head up.
Quite why I feel so ashamed when I have done nothing wrong is not clear at all to me, nor is it clear why those teenage years are back to haunt me.
I am knitting socks as usual. The merino/bamboo yarn I dyed using Kool Aid is really knitting up well, I am very pleased with the colouring. The second hand dye, in Trekking 75/25 is also coming along well. I have made up another no hole lace design and I will probably repeat this pattern for a plain coloured pair.
I awoke this morning full of fear and feeling tearful too. I had been fine over the weekend and was fine toward John too. I have to say I was worried about him being home but I need not have been. I did not feel anger as I feared I might. Anyway, I went for my swim and did double my normal amount of laps.
I couldn't wait to get home and inside again. I do not like being outside at all right now. The way I am feeling is similar to how I felt between 12 and 16yrs of age. I went around looking at the ground. I was lonely and afraid but nothing showed. Everyday school day I went through the same thing-being hit, spat on, tripped over, verbally humiliated, my nick name was 'shit'. Home and family was just more of the same, I found no solace there. I never lost that feeling for many years and even today, I find it very hard to go past a school and will avoid it if I can.
(It is also why I find dog shows such an effort to attend. I do it, and it is not as fearful as it was, but it isn't effortless on my part. I still have to steel myself for it. Groups of people terrify me. My PTSD really acts up too. If anyone comes up to me unexpectedly and touches me, I jump out of my skin. Thankfully I don't lash out. Oh, could you imagine that? I wouldn't last long hitting people would I? I know that for me to write about the fear I have to deal with for dog shows may seem odd when one considers the way I dress for them. I don't understand it either.)
I am not sure why, but all these feelings have come back to me. I have become afraid of being out, at least in daylight. Yes, I went swimming but I couldn't look at anyone. I feel relieved that the supermarket is 24 hour so I won't have to go until late when it is dark and empty.
I think it's stupid but I can't help the way I feel. I don't want to see anyone or talk with anyone. I don't want to put on my face. I am sure this will pass eventually and I shall return to being able to go out in the daylight and hold my head up.
Quite why I feel so ashamed when I have done nothing wrong is not clear at all to me, nor is it clear why those teenage years are back to haunt me.
I am knitting socks as usual. The merino/bamboo yarn I dyed using Kool Aid is really knitting up well, I am very pleased with the colouring. The second hand dye, in Trekking 75/25 is also coming along well. I have made up another no hole lace design and I will probably repeat this pattern for a plain coloured pair.
3 comments:
It's sad you have to go throught this agai. I hope it passes soon.
Could you be feeling this way because you are used to having other people handing over their shame and guilt to you instead of accepting responsability for their shameful actions themselves? You could be unconsciously internalizing guilt and shame on behalf of someone else in your life right now even when the guilty one(s) have not asked you to or blamed you.
Sort of by automatic proxy?
XXXX
Colin, it's toxic shame raising its ugly head again, along with the feelings of helplessness, being at the mercy of someone else's behavior and the government's reaction to it. Toxic shame tells us not that we have a problem, but that we ARE the problem. Tell those old tapes/voices in your head (I'm not saying you're hearing voices, but I think you know what I mean, LOL!) to FUCK OFF! You are not your stuff or your money or even your relationships. You are valuable in and of yourself. John screwed up - and he needs you now more than ever. Even more: YOU need you now:)
Love to you,
Joan
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