Monday, September 04, 2006

Broken Trust

This is difficult for me as I feel so much shame about this.

In short this is what happened.

I have had a very close friendship, so I thought, with someone I trusted completely. The only person other my John that I felt this about. I was wrong. very wrong.

We returned from my trip early because it was physically too much for me. I arrived home to find my 'friend' was not there, the dogs were in a mess, the house was. Like a fool, I became very concerned for my friend. No reply to phone or text. Yesterday, after a week of no contact, they turned up at my house thinking no one would be home as she had my show schedule and knew I'd be away at a show. John was in and she and her boyfriend were foiled.

Turns out this person was just in my life for the money and my generosity. I was completely taken in. I shared stuff with her that I have never shared with anyone but the therapist I used to see. She 'shared' with me too. It was all bullshit it seems.

What is worse, I never saw this coming. At no time did I ever think anything wasn't right. I am normally very careful who I let into my life. In fact this person was the one who did all the running. She always made a point of saying hello and chatting and then started to phone me. After a few months of this, I started to call back and then we had a coffee together and then it just snowballed into the best friendship I had ever had. At least that is what I thought.

Going to my dog show was really hard. I only went because the woman i go with, also disabled, trashed her car and without me couldn't go. So i went. Other than that i have stayed in. Outside just seems too big a deal for me right now.

Now my day out during the week will be no more. I can't do it on my own. I can't manage the walk or my wheelchair on my own.

Worst of all I feel totally humilated and a fucking idiot for believing in someone who was a total fraud.

13 comments:

Beverley said...

Colin, I am so shocked to read what you have written, lucky you came back when you did as presumably the dogs would have been left unattended all that time and you could have come home to a far worse situation. I am here, as always at the end of an email if not in person. Its going to be hard to trust a person again, but it will happen. xx

angie cox said...

Oh Colin ,such things have happened to me and I have been emotionally wrecked for a while then I have found the strength to fight back. It's grief and betrayal an awful lot to cope with .Just realise you are not an idiot we all have to trust and sometimes we are betrayed in the most hideous ways .We are all thinking about you .angie ,Jeff and Holly x

ferg said...

I'm so glad to hear that you, your partner and your dear dogs are all well. Obviously there are other people in the world who aren't well one way or another.
You have spoken to us so bravely before. Go back and read some of your own wonderful words and statements. Your strength will recover.
Lots of love Gillian.
ps I know "love" is a glibly used word but I coyldn't think of anything else that showed I cared as much.

NikolaAnne said...

Indeed, don't beat yourself up over them, they are not worth your energy.

W all get taken in from time to time, nasty, but fact of life.

*hugs* Pick yourself up, and put it down to experience. You do have good friends to support you.

Cherry Rolfe said...

There is an idiot here and its not you Colin. The greater our hurt, the greater our hope - that people won't let us down. They will and I don't think they mean to, they just do. This girl has just lost a very good friend and she will miss you. To be such a fool she must walk on glass everyday of her life, to be so selfish her heart must be empty and full of longing. Lick your wounds Colin, but keep loving. Out there, out here, are some sound and and honest folk who care.

Bogie said...

First and foremost, you should not feel shame over this. It is she who should feel ashamed for taking advantage of you; it is she who should make amends for treating you so horribly; it is she who betrayed your friendship.

I am sorry this happened to you. I believe in karma and just as the good that you put out will come back to you, everything that she puts out (and takes) from the world will come back to her. (Hopefully tenfold).

Take care.

Ann said...

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, Colin. One thing though -- you've done nothing wrong. Blameless. It's she who's behaved abominably, she who's been wrong. Not you. Please do not blame yourself for trusting another person. Placing the trust is right, flouting that trust is what's wrong.

Victorix said...

It's never idiotic to trust, its her bad not yours, don't beat yourself up, you had no way of knowing.

Lynneb said...

Very sorry about want have happened to you, jus think of the saying (what goes around comes around) if not by you, but sooner or later she will get her just deserts.
About going out are there any local comunity groups in your area that would take you out for the day.
Keep positive.

Anonymous said...

It was a nasty mess but at least one thing happened that was good you were not feeling good and came home in time for the dogs, she will likely be kicking herself as she will also be out getting stuff from you the most sorry thing is you getting out and about, but you know Colin it would be a sorry world if we could not trust anybody I am sure someone will come into your life again that you can trust dont give up.I am happy at least it was not your health or your partners health, that is good.

Anonymous said...

No shame, no humiliation and you're not a f'ing idiot. Some people are professional frauds - they cannot be real or true if they have to.
On the other hand, it is too easy to be a cynic - not believing or trusting in anyone.
For the rest of us in-between these two extremes, there is life. Some good times and good friends - others not as good. I firmly believe no one gets through this life without having some clunkers come along. There's pain, embarassment, being hard on oneself - but all things happen for a reason. We may never know that reason but something good will come of it.
Don't keep yourself shut in - that allows her to win.

Anonymous said...

Oh Colin, What you have written has me in tears right now. Not only about how wicked it was to treat your dogs like that but the guilt that goes with it all, because you trusted someone you caused pain to your lovely dogs. I know that feeling. It also brings a lot of anger not only against that so called friend but to yourself. You must instead be grateful that you found this out now and that they will never get the chance to do this to you and yours again. Put the RSPCA on them. They deserve inprisonment for what they have done. It was wicked. You cant change what has happened and punishing yourself is not the answer, punish them instead but getting them, put their name on line and let every one know what shits they were.
Janet Fleming (Norwich)

Diana said...

Colin, I too am shocked.. I know there are some self centred folk out there, but this takes the biscuit. Don't let tthem get to you. For every bum like that there must be 20 or more .. lots more, it is to be hoped.. decent caring persons.I just hope they get theres.
WGRCR !
Diana