SHOCKING

SHOCK NUMBER ONE
When I am riding on Daniel, anyone I touch or anything I touch gets an electric shock from me to it / them. Quite shocking.
SHOCK NUMBER TWO
My dear puppies just ate my Motorola EM330!!!! It somehow fell off the shelf. I first of all saw a bit of sticky paper with the M motif on it. Then I saw a flat battery. Meaning it was flat shaped. I thought to myself, 'this looks like a mobile battery'. Then I saw the back of of mobile on the carpet. I went into to the garden to hunt for the rest of my mobile, hoping that the puppies had not literally eaten it. I eventually found the rest in one of the cages. The chip was intact and is no in my old phone until the new EM 330 arrives. I love this phone and it is hard to get. The reason being is that my fingers can text on it and punch out a number without pressing 3 at a time! (BTW the puppies were 6mths old yesterday.)
SHOCK NUMBER THREE
It is 30c here and I am tired though not too sore. I had a nap. I had a dream. One of THOSE dreams. It starred me and ......John!!!!!!!!!! Next week it is our 28th anniversary, on the 7th. And I had one of THOSE dreams about him.......

HOT HOT HOT

It was already 25c at 10am this morning. That would be 77f. It is muggy at night which is not so nice. The heat definitely makes me feel better. Despite not being able to walk for most of Saturday, I am now just taking the Naproxen and giving the Tramadol or Morphine a rest. It seems to be okay so far although it is only this morning I have not taken it! ;-) the only thing I don't like about the Naproxen is having to eat before king it. That means having to eat something when I wake up which I hate to do.

I still have not received either payment or communication from the Ebay non payer. To be frank, I'd rather she didn't. I'd rather re-list the yarn. I cannot understand people like her. After her first bid, it took several days before she wrote asking if she could pay when the second auction ended so i could combine postage. I wrote back agreeing but pointing out that the polite thing to have done would have been to ask me BEFORE the first auction had ended. Nothing more came from here. The second auction came and went and still now rod from her. I sent an invoice and still nothing. I sent a second one asking that it be paid immediately. Nothing. So after seven days I started a non payment dispute. Still nothing from her. Then a third auction ended and she has the cheek to have bid on and won an item. She proceed to send me a message saying how shocked she was at my treatment of her and then had the audacity to tell me how much postage she was going to pay!!!! What is worse, her calculations were out completely because she didn't take into account to weight of the cone (did she think I would say the yarn weighed such and such and include the cone?) or the weight of packaging. I responded and still I have not heard from her.

Yes, I know I mentioned this already in another post. I am pissed off by this poor attitude. It is so unnecessary. I hate people trying to get one over me which is clearly what this woman is trying to do. Still, she is on my banned bidders list now.

Oh, and as I said before, I do not set the postage costs, the Royal Mail do. Not only that, I lose on it anyway cos PayPal take a cut of every payment. So when an item goes for just .99p it costs ME money to send it out!

Other than that, though, this is rather fun experience. I enjoy packing and sending the yarn to it's new home.

I might put some stuff up on Etsy and Folksy at fixed prices and see what happens.

OH CR*P!

Not a good day so far. I can barely walk and am having to use the sticks inside today. I didn't feel this bad last night when I got home from Blackpool.

Blackpool was a lovely day, windy but warm. It got a bit too warm for my liking. Whitney showed herself off as she always does and was 2nd in her Limit Bitch class.

Over two weeks ago a woman bid on my yarn. She won. After a few days she wrote and asked if she could delay payment until items she was bidding on finished the following week. Although miffed that she had not asked this of me on the day of having won the bid, I agreed. SEVEN days after the second wins she still had not paid and had ignored my communications. I started and unpaid item dispute with Ebay. Today I found that she has won more items and not only that has written to me sating how shocked she is at the unpaid item dispute and , get this, telling me how much postage she should be charged!!!!! Lets make one thing clear now: the weight I give of the yarn is just that-the yarn. The CONE weighs more!!! Plus, not being a business, I do not have access to boxes and any type of packing I want. I have postage bags and the yarn has to fit in those. I also have to pay for them. If someone buys a lot, then they get more than one package. It isn't rocket science. It really pisses me off that I will not be able to leave negative feedback for this rude buyer. I will have to be content with leaving none. However, I can BAN bidders and guess who will be first?

The dogs are really very clever, including the puppies. None of them have jumped up at me today and have approached me carefully. Whitney asked if she could ge ton my lap. I let her. She just lies there staring at me. When I look in her face, I sometimes want to cry. Not sure why. I just know I love this dog like I have not allowed myself to love a dog before. It is scary for me. I fell for her when she first arrived and she has for me too.

Today is cool and dull so don't know what happened to the hot sunshine we were supposed to have. It is supposed to be 30c+ next week. The warmth is good for me BUT when it gets too warm, I swell, just like others do, but because of the swelling, the impingement on my spine is worse and thus I get worse. Of course, one cannot command the weather to regulate itself to keep one at just the right temperature!

BLACKPOOL 09

The writing on the waistcoat says Woof Woof, Grr grr......

JUST A QUICK ONE

Just got back from the Doc armed with my drugs and new one called Naproxen which N.I.C.E. have decided is more effective and safer than Ibuprofen or Diclofenac. I will soon find out how they do for me. Not a long term drug but to deal with inflammatory flares.

Am off to get ready for tomorrows show now. Running late as was in the surgery over 2 hours!

NO REACTION

I haven't mentioned something I have learned. It is very difficult, if not impossible to undo the learning of disassociation, shutting down of one's feelings.

I wonder if the people who have seen me handle Whitney to her big wins have thought me a miserable git. I don't smile. I show nothing. I don't not show my feelings deliberately. It is automatic. I have found out that not only do I shut down bad feelings but good ones too. Although, the difference now is that I am aware of my feelings even if no one else can see them.

Inside I am thrilled to bits. I could cry. This is a dream I have nurtured since I was 12 years old coming true. I could not be happier about it. It just doesn't show, but believe me I feel it.

BELIEF CHANGES EVERYTHING

I have a dog show on Friday in Blackpool, 210 miles away up in the north west. The weather promises to be about 25c, the high 70's. We'll see. I find that weather men and women lie.

Seventy cones have now left my home and one still cannot see any dent in my stash. I think it will take some time before it shows. I put up 7 lots. this evening just from what I could see around me in my pc and knitting room. I feel much better about because I changed my thoughts about it and now think about the pleasure this yarn is going to give others. If they are like me, I know they will receive much from this yarn.

I am going to the Doctor tomorrow morning. I need to get my painkillers sorted out. My hands have been painful for days and today i took Ibuprofen 400 with my tramadol and paracetamol and my hands stropped hurting and felt better all over. HOWEVER, I am aware of the dangers of anti-inflammatories with regard to water retention, kidneys, and blood pressure. So I need to go and see about what can be done. I need to do something as the pain in my hands has stopped me knitting and I can't have that.

Strangely, although I did not swim, and have not had much discomfort, I have been barely able to walk most of the day. Getting out of bed this morning took me ages and I wondered if I was going to manage it. I have also threatened to topple over about three times. weird if you ask me even though it is a part of my condition. It still unsettles me to suddenly start to topple over for no apparent reason. Hence the sticks.

Generally speaking I am feeling happy. Not just good, but really happy and content. I am so glad I went thru that awful experience at the end of 07. Since then, i have really become more and more myself and more and more happy. I really did let go of a load then. I have come to realise, that for my anyway, the results are not sudden. I did not dump the grief and then jumped for joy. No it has taken 18 months to get here and I am sure the ramifications are yet to be fully realised.

I have changed the way I dress and wear lots of COLOUR. My mediumship has really improved. My talks have really improved. My knitting has improved. My life has improved.

All because I no longer believe what I used to believe.

It really is that simple.

What we believe makes our life.

KNACKERED AGAIN

For American readers or other people not British, Knackered is the word posh people, like the Queen, use to describe a state of tiredness.

Yes, I am knackered. I have come to realise that I cannot be putting up yarn on Ebay every day. So my initial estimate of it taking about two years to sell my stash is now being revised to three.

I have put up more tonight on EBAY (click on link). There is some lovely Todd and Duncan yarns; lambswool and merino/cashmere.

When I got back from swimming this morning I began to weigh and pack. By the time I had finished and sent off it was mid afternoon! I went to bed and when I got up again, bathed Luque and ate and then put more yarn up. Phew.

I am already finding I have some rude customers. Those who don't pay in a timely manner.I fnd it really annoying. So now I have had to add a 'please pay within seven days' on my listings. ALSO I have discovered that sellers only have the option of leaving positive feedback for a buyer whilst they can leave positive, neutral or negative! In other words they have us by the balls which is most unfair. Already I have buyers who have had not had the decency to leave feedback, even one or two who have written to say how happy they are privately! My only option is that I do not leave feedback until they do.

People also seem to think that I decide how much postage is!!! I don't. Royal Mail do. How can one blame the seller for the charges made by someone else?

Anyway, so far all the yarn I have auctioned has gone so that is a good thing. One cannot see any benefit within my home yet but that will take time. I told you I have a HUGE stash, more than many shops. John was getting worried about upstairs floors caving in.

Then of course there are 16 or so machines.....

Cashmere

I have been sorting out my yarn stash and I have found some stunning yarns. I almost cried but then just told myself it will be better off elsewhere.

The point is much of it is very fine weight, 2/28, cashmere, cashmere silk, and some even finer and other luxury yarns too.

Some of it is one very large cones of 1 - 2 kgs. I was thinking of knitting 100gm blanks on the machine and selling it that way. The reason being that if I wind it into 100 cakes, it is likely to end in a tangled mess for the buyer when they try to knit it or re wind it a sit is very fine. The cake idea works well for 4ply (fingering, sock weight). There is no problem with either re winding the knitted 100 gm blank or knitting str8 from it. It is oiled so must not be washed while in the knitting blank state but after swatching and completing your knitting.

Anyone have a thought?

Click on link:

EBAY

MAKING CHOICES

This is the photograph taken by Carol Ann Johnson at Three Counties Championship Show where Whitney won the Bitch CC, Best of Breed and went on to Utility Group 4.

One thing I notice is how Whitney looks; her shape and stance. This is what I cannot see myself. I am very pleased with how she looks and the view others are getting of her. She is such an excellent example of her breed and a true delight to live with.

I am also surprised by myself. Looking at the man in the picture, I would never have believed you if you had shown me this even just 10 years ago. That couldn't possibly be me! I would never dress like that. I would probably not even be at the show.

I am happy with the man in the photograph. It wasn't always thus. I hated him and wanted him dead. I could not look at him in the mirror and for many years only had a mirror big enough for me to see my face when I shaved, and even then I averted my eyes from his.

All I saw was the unlovable, disgusting degenerate I had been told I was. I didn't see the frightened boy in agonizing pain. I saw what I had been taught to see.

Today, I see me. I see light in my eyes. I no longer hate myself. I am sometimes angry at myself for having believed such tripe and for having punished myself so severely. I am sometimes ashamed of the me I use dot be. Mostly, I think back and I feel compassion for that boy who really did deserve to be loved and ought to have been, realising that all he did and thought was due to the corruption of his soul by the lies of others.

I am mostly free of the pain and the shame today. I am not free of my past. I don't want to be. I am who I am today because of it so how could I want to be rid of it? I realised recently that had my life not gone exactly a sit did, I would not have John in my life and I would not be me. I would not want to be without either John or me.

I did not suffer just because of what was done to me, but mainly because of what I was taught to think and what I thought about what was done to me. The one thought that ruined my life, that caused all the suffering, the one thing I was TAUGHT to think that was at the root of all that anguish was this: there was something wrong me and that is why I was unloved and abused. Despite knowing that physical and sexual abuse was wrong, I was till at fault because if I had not been me, they would not have done it, and if I had not been be I would have been loved.

The truth set me free. The truth being that the problem was THEM. They would have treated me the same way even if I had been the someone else I longed to be. No matter what I did, it would have changed nothing because|I could not change them and it was them who needed to change.

Further to this realisation, I have come to realise that we all treat others in the way we do not because of who they are but because of who we are. Mostly we believe the opposite and we can see the result of that thought in the world we live in.

Truly, what we choose to believe is everything for it is our beliefs that dictate how we live our lives. Yet we are taught that it is others who have that power over us, that we are merely puppets who react to others, not realising that the way we react is our responsibility and is not caused by the other but by ourselves.

Even the Gods we choose are just bigger, badder, more powerful versions of ourselves. We have such Gods, like the Xtian God and Muslim God, who are vengeful and jealous and angry and demanding, because we cannot envision unconditional love and most of all we cannot forgive. Unconditional love means precisely what it says. No matter what, we are loved. No matter what we will never be abandoned nor destroyed. This does not mean we will not suffer. It does mean that PEACE will always be available to us, no matter what.

People fail to understand that for one to have peace, all must have peace. For how can one be at peace knowing that your brother or sister is suffering?

Put another way, how can YOU be at peace in Heaven knowing that others are in HELL? Your self righteousness may convince you that you can but the reality will be very different.

What we seek for ourselves we must also seek for others. Whilst we hold judgement and anger and condemnation toward another, we will never have peace. We will banish ourselves from Heaven until such times as we accept unconditional love.

Accepting love is so much harder than we think!

NEW ROUTINE?

I have spent all morning pricing up, posting, labelling, weighing the yarn I am selling on EBAY. It really takes some effort but it pleases me to be doing it, knowing it is going to a good home where it will be used.

I am not swimming today nor tomorrow. I did swim yesterday and was surprised to find I got sore and fatigued quickly so did not complete. I was surprised because after the show on Wednesday, I slept 11 hours, did nothing at Thursday, slept again in the arvo and then went to bed. I would have thought that would have been plenty of rest. Aparrently not!

I am now thinking that my swim days will be Monday to Friday and I will leave weekends for my break. Even if I do mid week dog shows and miss swimming, I still will not go at the weekend.

Yesterday, I was called to be asked if I would go to Bedford Church to serve. I said no. I was ratehr surprised at that. Taking care of myself! Oooh, whatever next.

I had a client on Friday, soemthing I don't often do. The sitting went very well. I felt terribly sad for my sitter. He was gay, in the closet, and his partner of 48 years had died of cancer and he wa sall alone in terrible pain with no one to share it with because it was a secret. How truly awful.

THIS is what homophobia does to people. Shame on the homophobes and religious bigots. They will reap what they sow.

LOTS OF PICS

PHOTOGRAPHS

Click on link above and then scroll down until you see Whitney and myself. I prefer the last one, Img - 0187.

POLIELIN'S WHITNEY WITH TANTRA

This is Whitney with the judge, Sally Pointon, and Me. This is the day she took her 1st Challenge certificate and Best of Breed at WELKS 2009. The photograph was taken by Our dogs photographer A. Walker. (I have no idea if I am allowed to do this.)

MY NAME IS NOT IMELDA

CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE

On Tuesday, as I was preparing for the show yesterday, I lost my bottle. I didn't feel comfortable about my clothing and didn't think I wanted to show under the particular judge. I almost didn't go.

I know this appears not to be the case, but I am a shy person and always have been. I just have a very good act that has got better over the years. I am much better than I was, of course I am, but there are days I just want to hide. Tuesday was one such day. How could I have the nerve to dress that way? I used to be dull wallflower, blending into the background. My dress sense now hardly allows me to hide myself!

Wednesday, yesterday, the show was great. It was cold and wet, again! The big black mark against to society was the toilet facilities. One set of men's, women's and one disabled, all over the far end of the showground! I took to peeing behind the marquee. as common as that is, I had no choice. I drink a lot and pee a lot cos of the drugs I take and the loo was just too far away.

My IBS caused an annoying/embarrassing/funny moment. My guts had been calm but then started to grumble. I was surrounded by people so I got up and walked out of the marquee, stood well away from anyone, and let one off. Then a lady, who is nice and whom I like, came up to ask if I was alright standing there on my own!!!!! all I wanted her to do was go away. I didn't even have a dog with me to blame it on! Not only that, I realised this was not just wind and I was going to have to take the trek over to the loos. I had no one I could ask to come help me get re dressed so it was all a bit of a palaver. I was most surprised because I had taken morphine the night before and that normally stops any movement for about 36 hours. Damn! So I can't guarantee I won't need to go at dog shows anymore.

Whitney won her class, then went on to win the Challenge Certificate (Best Bitch) and then went Best of Breed. Later in the Utility Group(where all the Best of Breeds of this group compete) she was placed Group 4. THAT is a big deal too.

I am really glad I went. (Oh and despite my concerns about my clothing, I had loads of compliments yesterday, more so than usual. Weird how when I feel like hiding, I get so much positive reinforcement.)

THREE COUNTIES SHOW 17th JUNE 2009

EMAIL NASTIES

Tomorrow is a dog show so I will be unavailable from about 6pm tonight until Thursday.

I had a good swim this morning. I will do Whitney in a little while. I have been planning what to wear tomorrow. I have come to enjoy this part of the show preparation. My, how I have changed. Who knew I could be so vain? The weather forecast is not brilliant so my original idea is not going to work as I don't think wearing purple/lilac suede boots will work in the rain. I still think I want to go purple-trousers, waistcoat with dragonflies on it, and topped with a Panama and black or dark jacket. I bet I go for something entirely different!

I have done my Ebay, banking and email. I got an 'email nasty ' this morning. Someone had complained, not to me, but on my sock list, that information they wanted re my Ebay listings was not available. No email to me to ask, just a public complaint. I responded, publicly, and mildly. I received an 'email nasty' this morning from said person.

Do people have no shame? Do they never consider their own words/behaviour? Or is their ego too big? Yes, I know I have been known to be rude, reacted OTT, etc and when I do I apologise, normally without needing to be told, even if I feel I was provoked. If I have not it is because I don't think there is a need to. I am not so up myself that I don't consider I may have made a mistake when reviewing my own words/behaviour/reaction. Simply, perhaps an apology was appropriate and I deemed, wrongly, that it was not. I am human. It try not to let the behaviour of others dictate my own.

I also strongly object to people using my health against me or mentioning it when writing their tirades. My health is not the issue. If you don't like me, fine, your loss, but please leave my health out of it. It isn't a reason to feel you can't disagree with me or dislike me. I am not different to anyone else. I just happen to have physical problems along with millions of others.

You know, I am aware that people easily dismiss my thoughts and feelings as either being irrational due to being an abuse survivor or, now, because of being in pain 24/7 and drugged up , therefore I can't think str8.

So if I show irritation at someone's words or behaviour, or heaven forbid, disagree with them, it is not because they could possibly be at fault or wrong , but because I don't have legitimate thoughts and feelings for the reasons stated earlier. In other words, they use the same tactics that those who abuse do.

It doesn't bother me as much as it used to because I now realise that any person who uses either the abuse or my illness as a weapon against me, or as reason to dismiss me, is truly lacking integrity of thought and feeling and that is reason enough for ME to dismiss them.

So there. ;-)

MY BODY TALKS

Last night's talk and demonstration went very well. The audience were with me during the talk and when it came to the demonstration part, the evidence came thru to the point and clearly. Evidence of survival clearly given.

I have certainly grown. I had a heckler last night. i ignored him and just continued with the demonstration. When the service was finished, I was told he was another 'worker'. Clearly he didn't feel he was very good so needed to try and destroy what I was doing. I didn't let him. I feel proud of that.

People being people, there is this sort of thing goes on amongst spiritual workers. Even vicars and priests have the same crap over who gives the best sermons. It's all phooey and embarrassing. It would not occur to me to make this about me and be competitive. How daft.

I was able to do last night's work without suffering, though I did lose my balance briefly, because I drugged up. I would have thought that was the end of it. No it isn't. I feel it this morning. It would seem that whilst the drugs allow me to do, it doesn't stop the toll on my body to be felt later. So no swimming today. In fact nothing today. A lazy day knitting in front of the box.

PS: previous post; yes of course I know the other meaning for my title. Why'd you think I chose it? Gosh, don't you people know me by now? ;-)

HAVING A DUMP

It seems John has go the urge to dump too. He has filled the car with stuff from the sheds and we have taken ti to the dump. He has at least another two car loads to dump.

There is a large and heavy sack on the landing outside of the bedroom. I know that is full of yarn. It is yarn that has been knitted. Sleeves, backs, fronts, all abandoned for one reason or another. I have faithfully kept it all in this heavy, full sack.

Do you think I dare to dump it without looking in it? Do you think I could be that macho? Just sling it out like a man?

WARM DAY

Today turned out nice. Lovely and warm.

John and I went into town, picked up two waistcoats I had ordered. Had to go back later as I did not have a tie to suit one of them.

I have spent a couple of hours photographing yarn and putting it on EBAY.

I am now going to sit and knit and watch films.

BORING

The weather has taken a turn for the better. Lets hope it stays this way as I have another dog show on Wednesday in the Malvern Hills. Lovely area of Worcestershire.

I put more EBAY YARN up last night and will do some more today.

I awoke this morning during a dream I was having about John and I being somewhere or other and searching for my pain meds. In the dream I was close to tears and was laying down, barely able to move. We found the pills and in trying to get them open, I spilled them.

Guess what? I woke up. And guess what? I hurt like hell! And guess what? It took a while to get up. And guess what? I ALWAYS have trouble getting my damn meds out of the blister packs.

And Guess what? It is ILLEGAL for the chemist to give me my drugs in bottles. How f***ing stupid is that? The only way they an supply me with the drugs loose is in a tray of drugs, marked out in days and times, 7 days at a time. which would mean I would ave to go every week to have this tray given to me.

And guess who would be sure to drop it? So I carry on as I am and just make sure the dogs are not in the room when I get my drugs and try to pop them out of the blister packs.

And guess what? Broken pills taste foul!

Guess what else? I calculated that I need 448 pain pills every 28 days.(That's 8 of one and 8 of the other daily) I get 200 every month and I always have pills left over. so I am not doing as badly as I thought.

SIMONE AND DONALD SWAN

These are the pairs I am working on now. The top one is 4ply / Fingering 75% wool 25% Nylon. I have devised a travelling type rib for these. It goes form 2 x2 to 4x4 to 2x2 again and so on. The needle is a Hiya Hiya 1.75mm. 92 sts total. Unfortunately, I could not get the yarn to do something more interesting with it's colours. The gauge is 11spi x 14.5 rpi.

The bottom one is the Schafer Anne yarn which is being knitted on a 1.5 mm Hiya Hiya as it is really thin at 560 yds to 100gms or something like that. It is a wool mohair nylon mix. This is an ordinary 2 x2 garter rib. 100sts total. As with the above, the colour distribution isn't thrilling but it is nice and feels good too. The gauge is 12spi by 16spi.

I altered the recipe for both of these socks. When looking at my foot, I realised that my instep started to rise abotu half way along my foot, yet I wasn't increasing for it till much later. On these socks I started to increase at half the length of the foot before heel. My total foot is 10" so I knit a foot 9" before I turn heel. I start to increase for instep at 4.5". I increase both side of sole by 1st every 6th row.

The paper clips I stick in every 10 rounds. This is how I keep count and do not lose my count as I do when using a round counter as I forget to turn the bloody thing.

Today has been a good day. I put more stuff up on EBAY. I am quite getting into the swing of it now. I am just about managing to be ruthless and only keeping the colours John or I will wear, more or less.

I did my normal swim. As I did yesterday. I had Wednesday off and will have tomorrow off. I think if I stick to this, 3 on, 1 off, 2 on, 1 off and make at least two of those days 'rest' days, meaning staying out indoors, I think i have a routine that satisfies my needs for my body and for my mind.

Being Friday, I'll pick John up, get Daniel in the car, and go and take him for a spin around Tesco's. I quite like that.

It has been a sunny day although it took till the afternoon before I felt warm. I stopped arguing with myself and put the heating on. I argue with myself about that the same a is do about taking the drugs. Shall I? Shan't I? Round and round. I feel guilty for both. Heating in June? Do I really need pain killers? I spent some time around people who were very anti mood altering substances to the point one twat even had an op without meds! This is a long story and I have no time to go into now nor the inclination really, but I have hang overs from that period of my life and it has stuck with me enough so that I feel guilt for medicating myself. The only way I have noticed it change my mood is that I become less crabby once I stop hurting!

SIMONE and DONALD SWAN - I see them most mornings on the way to the pool. I noticed a while ago that they were nesting. Now they have 5 cygnets. Very cute.

A FULL TIME JOB

ARRGHH! I have a job. Full-time. Almost. I started work at 10.30 am and just finished now at 3.15pm.

I hadn't thought how much work would be involved in getting rid of my stash on Ebay. It is going well. i have to print out addresses, package it, go to the PO. Email people, send invoices. Get the cones, photograph them edit them, list them.

I think this job will last me 2 years of daily selling.

If I last that long.

EBAY YARN

LETTING GO

It sometimes takes a while for me to know what it is I am feeling or why I am feeling it. I am feeling crap. I just figured it out. Today especially I have had the hump mostly and tonight have really felt 'at the end of my tether' and I have been more conscious than usual of the physical hurt.

I finally realised it is because I am selling off my stash. It has taken a very long time to work up to this. Now it is happening. It's going cone by cone, daily. It is much harder than I thought it would be.

Oh, yes, it's certainly hard work, packing, labelling, going to the PO. This isn't what I mean though.

It is letting go of that part of my life. I have stopped telling myself I will be able to knit it up. I have stopped telling myself my condition is only temporary. I have stopped telling myself I can handle the machines. I have stopped telling myself I can go back to earning a living through my knitting. I can't now nor will I ever be able to again. And as much as I would like to say to John 'look, I have got all the money back.' it won't be and he would never even think about it anyway.

As much as I love that yarn and it hurts to pack it and send it off to someone else, I know I can never knit it up. Oh, I can knit up some for me and John and the odd friend but over time and certainly not use up the mountain of stash I have.

You will know what I mean, if you knit. I see the yarn, see the colours, and in my mind I am already imagining what it can become, yet instead of that, I am sending it away.

It is also accepting, in a different way, my physical limitations now. Yes, I have made made many compromises. I use sticks, I use a wheelchair, I lost a lot of weight. I rest. I make sure I move (swim). If I am out one day, I know to rest the next.

Yet I still clung to the idea that I would use up my stash, that I would soon be zipping away on my machines and selling enough garments to pay my way, enough to use the stash up. How's that for daft?

It seems really silly to say it feels like grief to see it go but it does.

HEARING DOGS

I may have mentioned that I have provided several dogs to the Hearing Dogs for Deaf People charity. The dogs are trained to alert their deaf owner to danger, phones, doors, etc. 5 of mine are Hearing Dogs. Micah has sired two litters for them, and they have Luna as a breeding girl. The puppies above are out of Luna by a Cocker Spaniel(English) or a CockerPoo, I can't recall which. They were pictured on their last news latter and I knew immediately whose pups they were as the one on the laft looks like Luna the mother. Not completely of course as mum is a Lhasa Apso and the pups above are mutts but the resemblance is their.

My yarn selling on Ebay is going well. I think it will take at least a year to clear my stash this way. I also think I shall have to put up my starting price because the minimum plus postage ends up costing me.

I did not go swimming this morning. When I awoke I again wondered if to take pain killers or not. You know, even I think I should be in great pain before I do! When you have pain all over your body it can be hard to recognize it. That sound odd but i's true. One gets so used ot it, it can be hard to tell. Until one takes the drugs and the relief comes and then one realises how much pain one was in. Anyway, I took them and I am glad I did. My hands are still sore. The only drug that stops that is the morphine and I leave that for dog show days. Oh and anti inflammatories help it but I can't take them. I swell with water, stop peeing and my blood pressure goes up.

YARN ON EBAY

I have put more yarn up. I plan to do this daily if I can so keep checking.

CLICK HERE

WOEFUL TALE

Oh! what, these old things? I've had them ages, John.
I went swimming this morning and did not drug up first. Guess who could not swim? Well, I did but painfully and not for long. Okay, that's sorted then. Yes, I know, why don't I just accept I need to drug up to live properly? Easier said than done.

IBS can be a bind. Now if only I could guarantee good farts when I am swimming. Turbo charged laps. Mind you, could empty the pool too. Even the dogs look at me in disgust and leave the room if I fart. Even with the Colofac, dog show days are awful. Of course my gut is worse and gets worse the closer I am to going into the ring. It is really stressful to not fart. See, proof I am a good sport. If I wanted to knobble my competition, I'd just have to let one rip and watch as the dogs all drop like flies.

Weapon of mass destruction? So glad Bush isn't going to read this and if he does, well he's a has been anyway.

Anyway, back to farting. I am at that stage in life when one cannot be certain that it is just a fart. Oh and on the cold days when I am wearing 100 denier pantihose I swear I could float away on a fart. Several actually, they seem to get trapped. I keep away from smokers just in case. I tell you if they found a permanent cure for IBS that would be Global Warming sorted.

And when one is 100% certain that it is not a fart and one goes to the trouble of getting undressed in the loo, gripping the bars around the loo (yes we crips need them) as we go, only to discover it was all a lot of air after all. To struggle up, manage to get your three layers back up, clip your braces on, straighten your hat, only to find that you need to go - and urgently. So you go thru it all again, grunting all the while thru the exertion of having to undress for the second time. Swearing that this time, you will sit there long enough to be certain. And yes, enough air to fill a family sized balloon. Where did it find the time to build up, I ask? How? I just let a rainforests' worth go! So, with a determined attitude, one sits there for 3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5 minutes and then one just has to get up because if one sits there any longer, the body locks and one is stuffed and one has no wish to call out for help while one has trousers and pantihose wrapped around one's ankles. Much grunting and effort later, a final straightening, a quick look in the mirror to make sure all is as it should be, I turn the handle and open the door and turn right round again cos this time I really do need to go. Success at last. All that exertion for what amounts to a chipolata. Give me strength! IBS is no laughing matter so I hope none of you have been laughing at my tale of woe.

BJORN

I knitted these using Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock Multi in the Andersonville colourway. I used my own Andersson Method of construction and the Andersson Heel Mach II. The design is built around a yarn over cable first shown to me by my friend Lia in Germany with the instruction for how to do it from Charlene Schurch's Sensastional Socks.
The needles were 2mm size, circular, Knit Pro's and each was knitted on it's own needles, simultaneously. They are 232 rounds long, excluding heel turn. Knitted toe up.
The MACH II heel.

WOULD IT IRK YOU?

The dog show on Friday went extremely well. Whitney was reserve Best Bitch for the second time. This means she won the Reserve Challenge Certificate. So if the winner of the Challenge Certificate is disqualified, Whitney gets it. It rarely if ever, happens. the point is the judge must sing a declaration that the dog or bitch is of such outstanding quality as to be worthy of the title of English Champion.

It was a cold day and it kept threatening to rain but it did no more than spit a bit. For once the disabled parking was very close to where I was showing so that was good too though the toilets were far away. I am going to see if I can have a catheter and bag fitted for dog show days.

My next show is on the 17th (Wednesday) in the Malvern Hills again, at the Three Counties Showground.

The puppies are coming on nicely. I am glad I followed my gut and kept Carly, the gold n white one, as it looks like it is she who is turning into the swan. James is very iffy and it looks like he will not make the grade after all. Bridget is still good, just being overtaken by Carly. One of these I will show and the other I will breed to Luque when the time comes. Luque is Whitney's dad.

Is it unreasonable of me to be irked by the following? I have ordered twice from Knit n Caboodle here in the UK. I was so impressed with the speed with which my first order arrived, I telephoned them to say how pleased I was with both the speed and the quality of my order. The phone wasn't answered at a couple of different times so I emailed. I got no response. I made another order and this one was delayed. In fact I ordered from the USA on the same day and that order arrived first. Anyway, I emailed Knit n Caboodle again, this time asking if there was problem. I got no response. My order arrived two days later. What irks me is the lack of any acknowledgement at all of my communications. It makes me feel as though I don't want to use them again. It makes me think they don't care one way or the other. After all, I made no complaint, I had no reason to, the first was praise the second was a question. Surely a response was in order?

NOT QUITE WHAT I MEANT

I did half my swim. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it all as soon as I started. I feel fine though. I am glad I am learning what my bod is telling me and taking notice.

I am getting Whitney ready for tomorrow's show, as well as myself. It takes some forward planning which I have also learned to do. My clothes are ready, food is ready. I have done little, slept plenty and done enough drugs. Will do more drugs late this afternoon and then go to bed by 6-7pm. Up at 2am. Gone by 4am.

I wrote the following in response to an email. I sent it before I had realised what I had written. I laughed so long and hard you'd think I had taken a joint. I haven't laughed so much and well for a long time. You can imagine what I am like when doing my public speaking. It is often not until the words are out that I realise how they sound, and often not how I intended it to sound.

"I did sit on a crochet hook, a 4mm one, and it went right into my bum cheek! I was shocked. I must have sat down with quite a bit of force for that to happen as the hook is blunt and broad. I do just drop when I sit as I can't move properly. I guess it didn't hurt that much because of the painkillers I take. When I pulled it out, blood gushed everywhere and I was left with a purple hole for ages."

I have put more yarn up. I plan to do this daily if I can so keep checking.

CLICK HERE

GOOD MORNING

Heidelberg castle view from below (duh!).Water feature in Heidelberg.
These two sculptures represent 'ignorance' above' and knowledge' below. Man asleep and Man awakening though knowledge. In Heidelberg centre.

As I arrived at the pool, I saw a woman who goes there regularly, stumble just like I do and all she was doing was standing by her car. I asked her why she stumbled and if she did it a lot. I already knew this woman has spinal problems like me. She said the stumbling is to do with the spine problem. PHEW! She was a nurse and this is what her consultant told her. She has had her spine operated upon, which I have not and doubt I would allow. Anyway, it is really a relief to know that my frequent stumbling is connected to my spine problem. I always feel better if I know what is what.

This morning's swim was challenging. The morning session has become rather busy. Unfortunately, the new people lack manners and common sense. They see all of us swimming laps and they decide not to, and do as they please, not caring whose way they get in. They also have the cheek to complain rudely if they get splashed or swum into! Most of these people have been on this planet a very long time from the look of them. You'd think they might have picked up a thing or two during that time. Or have they sleepwalked though life?

My hips are being a real pain, especially my right one. I need a new body, perhaps David Beckham's without the tattoos.

I have a dog show on Friday. Of course the weather has taken a turn for the worse. Not wet, just dull and cool. That will do. Dog shows and rain are not much fun.

FREE CHOICE LEFT BEHIND US

When we were in Heidelberg we met the above man. The only man I have ever met knitting. He was there for a demonstration, (G20 I think). He was a peace activist and had been all his life. He was married with many children. Nana gathered all this info as I do not speak German.

Nana took this picture of John and I. Despite the sunshine, it was cold. That is Daniel I am sitting on and you can make out his little joy stick on the left near my arm. I tell you, Daniel has been a real boon for us. I get out more now and John doesn't have the hassle of pushing me and I do not have to contend with being pushed. I hate it. I used to quite happily manoeuvre myself in the manual chair but now it is too hard on my shoulders.

I had strange dreams last night. Like I do most nights really. We were on an aeroplane to come home from Brazil. I know this part is because of the plane that disappeared yesterday en route form Rio to Paris. Anyway, I was uptight and I could not find my drugs. I was most concerned about my heart drugs. I asked John where they were and he said 'where you left them'. I said the last place I had seen them was on the settee at home. 'then that will be where they are'. he casually said. I was stunned! I told him that as he did all the packing, at his insistence, he was the one who forgot my drugs, He did not seem at all concerned and said, 'well you can take them when we get home'. The plane had yet to take off as it was still taxi-ing to the runway for take off, which for some reason was miles and miles. You know what dreams are. I was getting more and more flustered because I am afraid of flying, badly. Then I heard a voice waking me up and it was John telling me I had to get up to take him to the station. Of course I had the hump with him for forgetting my drugs!!!!

F**k knows what this dream was about. John is conscientious and would not forget and he would not be casual about my drugs.

We were in WH Smith's the other day and when we went to the checkout I paid using the card,. I was in Daniel. The woman looked at John and asked him,'does he want the card machine down there?' !!!!!!! Sometimes I think I should pull faces and drool.

Yesterday we went to Springfield's. We ate lunch there. They have a carvery in the restaurant and it is good. Just right for me, meat and veg, no carbs. We bought some shirts, John formal and me coloured Polo shirts. Very cheap too. The shops at Springfield's are all big name shops but outlets for the off season stuff or stuff that didn't sell for some reason. We also went into Gap. Ickety ick! Poor quality clothing. Really. We attracted by the colours and good window display but really the clothing was poor. No wonder we craft people who make excellent quality clothing can't get the dough for it if people think Gap is so good! (You don't think Gap could sue me do you for this opinion?)

After Springfield's we went to Morrison's, our favourite supermarket. We only go about once a month or less, and we do a big shop and fill our freezer. It is 27 miles from home. Pity it isn't closer. I'd choose them over Tesco any day but Tesco have a strangle hold over this country as far as grocery shopping is concerned. Funny, they say they give us choice. Actually all the supermarkets have taken our choice way from us. The small shops have all closed, the high streets are dead and we have to go out to the big supermarkets to buy what they have for sale, not what we want. That is not choice. The range of foods on offer at British supermarkets is abysmal. If they really wan to improve they should pop over the water to France and visit a Carrefour. That would show them what a supermarket ought to be about-choice. Instead, they only sell the basics here, with the odd 'special'. Juts one example. In salad dressings you can't buy yoghurt based ones. You have Helman's, light version of same, own brand same, Paul Newman's dressings. Most high fat and or high sugar. The selection of light is poor. Nothing for variety really either and if you want sauce you get to choose between various brands of tomato sauce and brown sauce. This is not choice. I can feel my blood pressure rising so I shall stop now.