Wednesday, June 10, 2009

LETTING GO

It sometimes takes a while for me to know what it is I am feeling or why I am feeling it. I am feeling crap. I just figured it out. Today especially I have had the hump mostly and tonight have really felt 'at the end of my tether' and I have been more conscious than usual of the physical hurt.

I finally realised it is because I am selling off my stash. It has taken a very long time to work up to this. Now it is happening. It's going cone by cone, daily. It is much harder than I thought it would be.

Oh, yes, it's certainly hard work, packing, labelling, going to the PO. This isn't what I mean though.

It is letting go of that part of my life. I have stopped telling myself I will be able to knit it up. I have stopped telling myself my condition is only temporary. I have stopped telling myself I can handle the machines. I have stopped telling myself I can go back to earning a living through my knitting. I can't now nor will I ever be able to again. And as much as I would like to say to John 'look, I have got all the money back.' it won't be and he would never even think about it anyway.

As much as I love that yarn and it hurts to pack it and send it off to someone else, I know I can never knit it up. Oh, I can knit up some for me and John and the odd friend but over time and certainly not use up the mountain of stash I have.

You will know what I mean, if you knit. I see the yarn, see the colours, and in my mind I am already imagining what it can become, yet instead of that, I am sending it away.

It is also accepting, in a different way, my physical limitations now. Yes, I have made made many compromises. I use sticks, I use a wheelchair, I lost a lot of weight. I rest. I make sure I move (swim). If I am out one day, I know to rest the next.

Yet I still clung to the idea that I would use up my stash, that I would soon be zipping away on my machines and selling enough garments to pay my way, enough to use the stash up. How's that for daft?

It seems really silly to say it feels like grief to see it go but it does.

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