It sometimes takes a while for me to know what it is I am feeling or why I am feeling it. I am feeling crap. I just figured it out. Today especially I have had the hump mostly and tonight have really felt 'at the end of my tether' and I have been more conscious than usual of the physical hurt.
I finally realised it is because I am selling off my stash. It has taken a very long time to work up to this. Now it is happening. It's going cone by cone, daily. It is much harder than I thought it would be.
Oh, yes, it's certainly hard work, packing, labelling, going to the PO. This isn't what I mean though.
It is letting go of that part of my life. I have stopped telling myself I will be able to knit it up. I have stopped telling myself my condition is only temporary. I have stopped telling myself I can handle the machines. I have stopped telling myself I can go back to earning a living through my knitting. I can't now nor will I ever be able to again. And as much as I would like to say to John 'look, I have got all the money back.' it won't be and he would never even think about it anyway.
As much as I love that yarn and it hurts to pack it and send it off to someone else, I know I can never knit it up. Oh, I can knit up some for me and John and the odd friend but over time and certainly not use up the mountain of stash I have.
You will know what I mean, if you knit. I see the yarn, see the colours, and in my mind I am already imagining what it can become, yet instead of that, I am sending it away.
It is also accepting, in a different way, my physical limitations now. Yes, I have made made many compromises. I use sticks, I use a wheelchair, I lost a lot of weight. I rest. I make sure I move (swim). If I am out one day, I know to rest the next.
Yet I still clung to the idea that I would use up my stash, that I would soon be zipping away on my machines and selling enough garments to pay my way, enough to use the stash up. How's that for daft?
It seems really silly to say it feels like grief to see it go but it does.
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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10 comments:
You are letting go and facing change and grief is a product of that. Yarn isn't a small thing and you describe beautifully the process of buying it, what it represents and the difficulties of letting chunks of it go.
I think the way you deal with things is amazing, a big cyber hug to you.
It's not silly. Your yarn is representative of a big, important part of your life, and that part of your life has had to change. That is a big deal. If you feel sad, that's okay. You're doing the right thing letting go of things you don't need and making room for new opportunities, or just for breathing space. I know you'll be okay. I wish I were there to help with what has to be a giant task.
I understand - totally. I'm going to sell all my machines (I have 5), except for the little Silver Reed LK-150. It will serve my purposes just fine, since I don't like machine knit ribbing much (at least the way I do it), and I like to hand manipulate. I also like to machine knit heavier yarns. So, I'll let four of them go. And, you're right - it IS hard. Even when I don't use them, I like to see them. Let's not eve talk about the yarn.
I have found I can use up a LOT of yarn and really like the results by using the rigid heddle loom. It helps.
I feel for you. I truly feel for you.
Your post has made me realize that I'm in denial about my own physical problems. *sigh* I guess I need a wake up call, too. Not that I'm ready to sell my own yarn stash yet, but I applaud your bravery in doing this.
I too am trying to let myself get rid of my stash as it is starting to annoy me. I know I will never knit it but cannot let it go. I feel the same about my machines, I'm not using them but don't want to cut the final cord to my hobby/business of 38 years.
I don't think it's silly at all. Accepting something as fact that you really didn't want is extremely difficult. In fact there are many people who would never clear their stashes out. Letting it go is a very brave thing to do and I hope it gets easier.
It is grief, plain and simple. Letting go is rarely easy or without side effects. You are very wise to recognize what's going on! (In my way of thinking, you're WAY ahead of the game if you are self-aware enough to know what's happening! Kudos!!)
I admire you Colin. You are not afraid to look at life and ask the questions most people would rather skip over. You have so much courage and strength!! Quietly, day by day, reading your blog strengthens me.
Kim in IA
It's very much grief. I had taken a class, and after my accident, I was no longer able to take it. I actually went into a form of grief for what I'd lost. You are moving to a different point in your life, for better or worse, and it takes some getting used to, and that rarely happens easily...
Hugs,
Cat
Indigo Incarnates
I can understand. The loss and grief is something I came to terms with many years ago when I realized that the person I could have been has been utterly incapacitated.
I am really sorry that you are in the condition that you are. It's good to have some money coming in, but I can understand how the process of getting rid of your yarn will make you sad.
Can I be one of the "odd friends"?
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