Sunday, June 21, 2009


This is the photograph taken by Carol Ann Johnson at Three Counties Championship Show where Whitney won the Bitch CC, Best of Breed and went on to Utility Group 4.

One thing I notice is how Whitney looks; her shape and stance. This is what I cannot see myself. I am very pleased with how she looks and the view others are getting of her. She is such an excellent example of her breed and a true delight to live with.

I am also surprised by myself. Looking at the man in the picture, I would never have believed you if you had shown me this even just 10 years ago. That couldn't possibly be me! I would never dress like that. I would probably not even be at the show.

I am happy with the man in the photograph. It wasn't always thus. I hated him and wanted him dead. I could not look at him in the mirror and for many years only had a mirror big enough for me to see my face when I shaved, and even then I averted my eyes from his.

All I saw was the unlovable, disgusting degenerate I had been told I was. I didn't see the frightened boy in agonizing pain. I saw what I had been taught to see.

Today, I see me. I see light in my eyes. I no longer hate myself. I am sometimes angry at myself for having believed such tripe and for having punished myself so severely. I am sometimes ashamed of the me I use dot be. Mostly, I think back and I feel compassion for that boy who really did deserve to be loved and ought to have been, realising that all he did and thought was due to the corruption of his soul by the lies of others.

I am mostly free of the pain and the shame today. I am not free of my past. I don't want to be. I am who I am today because of it so how could I want to be rid of it? I realised recently that had my life not gone exactly a sit did, I would not have John in my life and I would not be me. I would not want to be without either John or me.

I did not suffer just because of what was done to me, but mainly because of what I was taught to think and what I thought about what was done to me. The one thought that ruined my life, that caused all the suffering, the one thing I was TAUGHT to think that was at the root of all that anguish was this: there was something wrong me and that is why I was unloved and abused. Despite knowing that physical and sexual abuse was wrong, I was till at fault because if I had not been me, they would not have done it, and if I had not been be I would have been loved.

The truth set me free. The truth being that the problem was THEM. They would have treated me the same way even if I had been the someone else I longed to be. No matter what I did, it would have changed nothing because|I could not change them and it was them who needed to change.

Further to this realisation, I have come to realise that we all treat others in the way we do not because of who they are but because of who we are. Mostly we believe the opposite and we can see the result of that thought in the world we live in.

Truly, what we choose to believe is everything for it is our beliefs that dictate how we live our lives. Yet we are taught that it is others who have that power over us, that we are merely puppets who react to others, not realising that the way we react is our responsibility and is not caused by the other but by ourselves.

Even the Gods we choose are just bigger, badder, more powerful versions of ourselves. We have such Gods, like the Xtian God and Muslim God, who are vengeful and jealous and angry and demanding, because we cannot envision unconditional love and most of all we cannot forgive. Unconditional love means precisely what it says. No matter what, we are loved. No matter what we will never be abandoned nor destroyed. This does not mean we will not suffer. It does mean that PEACE will always be available to us, no matter what.

People fail to understand that for one to have peace, all must have peace. For how can one be at peace knowing that your brother or sister is suffering?

Put another way, how can YOU be at peace in Heaven knowing that others are in HELL? Your self righteousness may convince you that you can but the reality will be very different.

What we seek for ourselves we must also seek for others. Whilst we hold judgement and anger and condemnation toward another, we will never have peace. We will banish ourselves from Heaven until such times as we accept unconditional love.

Accepting love is so much harder than we think!
Post a Comment