Sunday, December 30, 2007

Steady Climb

I am formulating a post in my head about loss but am not ready to write it down yet.

It has become apparent to me that I carried this grief for many many years. Just one loss after another, with no time to integrate anything and certainly no support of even acknowledgement of the losses I experienced. They were so frequent it is hardly surprising I couldn't deal with them. The fact I was an emotionally abandoned child certainly didn't help me either. I brought myself up and it just took an awfully long time to deal with this stuff.

It is also true that I could not have healed the parts I have healed all at once. It would have killed me I think. The experience of 94(severe flashbacks which got me into therapy with the right person), the experiencing of feelings in 95 - intense fear brought about because I had 'told' at last, then again in September - December 98 when I realised the depth of my suffering and also that I could no longer suppress it, nothing worked anymore. If it did, I would still be stuck back there. Then the grieving of my losses and once again intense fear this year, strangely September - December. The sorrow is of such depth I cannot even find the words to express it. It cannot be put right. Yet I know I can live well despite it. I shall do.

I am doing much better as regards my guts - no where near the same level of discomfort and pain. It hasn't yet gone altogether. I hope it does and that this is not going to be the way I experience stress from now on.

Today has been the worst with my gut for a while and even that has been mild but disconcerting.

This morning, at the pool, I was harassed. It was a length swimming session for an hour. 4 elderly people got in the lane I was swimming in. Two of them moved whenever I was swimming toward them. One however, the youngest and biggest, did not. He literally stood in my way. He also made comments to me but I couldn't hear what precisely except it had something to do with him wanting to 'walk' in that lane. He was belligerent. Eventually I was forced to move into the centre of the pool, away from the safety of the edge wall,(in case I spasm). I was infuriated by the bullying-this is NOT SCHOOL!!!!!! And more so because the lifeguard stood and watched me being harassed and did nothing. So yet gain, I find myself being in the situation of having to complain to the manager, which I did AFTER I had done my mile because a lot of my energy was sapped by then and I knew I would talk calmly. Whether or not it will have paid dividends or not I have yet to see. Perhaps I was just being handled. I truly cannot believe the behaviour of 'adults' and that quite clearly no one else complains about such bullying tactics. It is bad enough that the disabled changing room is cold, has an appallingly weak shower and is dirty. No, I have not complained. I cannot be bothered to go thru that again. It was enough that I could swim in peace there. Now I wonder.....

I too am beginning to see a connection with my guts and what I experience, even if the stressor is not so obvious as it was today.


Sheila said...

Well, that is rude! And uncalled for. This is "public" pool and you have every right to swim in that lane. There is no excuse for rude behavior.

LizzieK8 said...

Yes, it's a steady climb. And you're still able to climb. One day you'll reach a resting spot, hang out for awhile and then climb some more. The nature of healing.

Can you not notify the department that oversees the management of the pool? Or perhaps a local newspaper or TV station? Lots of adverse publicity for them would make a difference I'm betting.

Is this the close or distant pool?

Anonymous said...

Well the pool episode was uncalled for very rude, and somebody just testing out his/her own authority over someone else, I'd have put my head down and swam into him... see if he'd want to walk there then? No-one has the right to walk into your space, whether it is a pool or pathway. Still just shows the intelligence of this individual doesn't it? It's a slow long climb, but each bit you face is another hurdle gone, life is full of hurdles and obstacles, you have a task, you are here for your own reasons, and the challenge is real tough, but you are doing brilliantly. Look down and back, only to see how far you've come, and how much you really have achieved..You are special Colin, special because you have these unique pitfalls to overcome, and you have taken the bull by the horns and gone for it. Know there are many out there supporting you. If I could do it for you, know I would. higz Cher x

FugueStateKnits said...

good Lord - there's a rather nasty term I use for people like that and it has to do with the excretory functions. Sorry!
Yuck - what an ___hole! Big man in a little pool, eh? Sheesh! Such nonsense. He should be embarrassed!

Lisa said...

It is a shame that no everyone in this World understand that thay are not the ONLY one in this World. I applaud you for being able to hold your tongue until you were calm. Old or not, I would have told him how rude he was being. Hang in there anyway, swimming is great for you - and kudos for the distance.