Monday, December 10, 2007

Moving Forward

I am feeling very much better in most ways now. My stomach has settled. My emotions have settled. The fear has abated. Still crippled, but you can't have it all.

Now I am through to the other side, I can say I am glad I went through this. I would not wish to again. That was the third time in 14 years, the last time being the same months in 98. Each time, it was different issues. I didn't see that at the time. It was just pain to me. Only in hindsight can I see what the pain was about and it was quite specific each time. I think I could not have expressed the pain of each issue all at once and remained alive.

I certainly recall that the during 98 episode I came very close to losing it altogether. This time, whilst I did feel I would die, seriously, I didn't at any point think I was losing my mind. Plus I still managed to do things like the dogs, knit, go swimming and to dogs shows.

The issues this time were very clear, after a while. I was grieving my losses which I had never done before. I do recall dreaming earlier this year that I had been 'banished' from the group, and was left out alone in the cold. A bit like a spaceman having his cord cut. In fact a medium put it this way: they cut the cord. I remember in that dream feeling the most dreadful feeling and when I awoke I didn't know what it had been about(!!!) but was very thankful I was not feeling that feeling because I felt it would kill me. Later of course, I did feel that feeling and it didn't kill me. It just felt like it would.

The other major issue was about myself. About me being me. It dawned on me, and I am 49 years old on the 16th of this month, that no matter who I was the abuse would still have happened. The abuse happened not because of who I was but because of who the abusers were. The problem was with them and not with me. I really was powerless to prevent it or control it. It really wasn't anything I did or anything that I was. I used to think , as regards my father anyway, that I wasn't boy enough, not macho enough, because in his eyes I was a sissy. It was so easy to accept the blame. Now I see that he had no business expecting anything of me other than to be who I am. That not boy enough or not, he had no business bullying me, terrifying me, hurting me, hitting me.

I have always been ashamed of being sensitive. Of being creative. Of being me. Not now. I am glad I am sensitive. It prevents me behaving in ways I see others behaving and treating others the way I was treated. I am grateful for being creative-it occupies my mind and satisfies me and brings pleasure to others.

This last couple of weeks, it keeps popping into my head how glad I am to be who I am. How I really like who I have become. How amazing that I have become me despite it all. Not only that, but I think of myself as man now, an adult, instead of a boy. I no longer feel that my grasp is so tenuous. I feel stronger each day.

On the 20th John and I are off the spend Xmas with friends in Germany, We will drive the 800 miles back on Xmas day (cos everyone else will be at home leaving the road to ME!).

Once again, thank you all for your support thought this very painful and distressing growth period.You maybe don't realise just how important your support was in keeping me alive and sane.
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