Saturday, December 01, 2007

Living It

I wrote part of this in reply to a dear net friend whom I would love to meet one day:

These people do not realise the alienation and hurt they cause those of us who are not as political as they are, or not according to their terms anyway.

I am a radical and it shows in how I live my life. I bet the way I live my life takes more guts and more 'radicalism' than any of them!

They seemed more intent on criticising and finding stuff to be offended by than making me feel welcome as one of them. Not one person did that. No welcome. Just alienation.

And yet I have always been OUT! Since I was a boy. I have never hidden who I am. I LIVE it. I am who I am. I live in an ordinary world surrounded by ordinary people and they either accept me or they don't but I don't hide or pretend I am what i am not.

The life I live is sort of like that of a traditional housewife! Now THAT takes courage. Now THAT is being really radical. THAT is political. THAT is standing up for my rights and the rights of my fellow 'queer' people. Yet my fellows have the gall to ostracise me because I am not queer enough!!! I don't live in a 'queer' ghetto or community. I live in an ordinary community and I do not conform to their ordinary standards. I walk as I talk, right in their face, I live in their midst, not surrounded by others like me. If I lived in a 'queer community' I would not have to and the challenge would not be there and I could pretend the world was different.

Instead, I everyday face the filthy looks, the derogatory comments, the sly lack of respect from service people(this is a small town) and yet I hold myself up and my head high and feel pity for their lack or spirit and intelligence. I might also add that they are the minority. The rest either ignore me or accept me. I am well know and there are many nice people here. Unlike at my main home, London, where we suffered abuse, physical violence and bricks through our windows and car being smashed on a regular basis.


Just as I have found that being disabled alters people's perceptions of me, and causes them to freeze me out, I have found less acceptance from my so called 'queer' brothers and sisters than I have from the str8 people I am surrounded by. My physical disability is much less acceptable to them(homosexuals), I have found, but I always knew that before I became disabled.

I am told that by referring to myself as gay man, I am being a middle class snob who alienates others. Never mind the fact that this dismissal of me was alienating! So I get turned into the enemy. Just like that. Just by using the term gay, I am looking down upon people of lower class, people who are transgendered and all sorts. Never mind the fact that snobbery seems to be on the other side as I never see people in terms of class or anything. I see people as people! I don't think in terms of normal and not normal.

It is one thing to expound on 'queer politics' and to be vociferous and seen to be right on. It is quite another to live it.

I LIVE IT. I always have. I always will. And NO ONE, absolutely no one, will stop me living the truth of who I am nor will they make me feel less than they are because I don't conform to their idea what I ought to be. It really really p's me off that those who know opression and live with it, can so lightly and easily alienate others who they see as not being what they think they ought to be.

F**k you! I am who I am and I will NOT hide for anyone. Certainly not for acceptance. Not being me is worse than death. Been there, done that and I can assure you death is preferable to living life pretending to be what I am not.

To quote whoever it was:

I WOULD RATHER BE HATED FOR WHO I AM THAN LOVED FOR WHO I AM NOT.

Edit: the term queer, which to me is offensive and means strange or abnormal, has been adopted by some and the meaning of the word has been changed. It is now used to describe anyone who doesn't fit the societal idea of normal , it seems. Well, I have never considered myself not normal! I don't now. I am a normal human being. Just like everyone else, I eat, I sleep, I laugh, I cry, I love. I don't buy into this not being normal.

I am who I am, not who you say I am.
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