TRUSTING YOU

In Brief

you seemed to me to be king
god, the all powerful one
you knew it all
you were never wrong
your pronouncement 
the only truth

i knew I did 
not come up the mark
knew you hated me
i saw the shame
i tasted the fist of shame
i felt the look of scorn
the spit of disgust

i spent a life time
searching for they key
to make you see me 
the son you were given
not the mistake of shame
you saw in me

i tried
i crawled
i became a puppy
eager to please
my efforts ignored
no matter what I did
i felt the fist of scron
withered under 
the eyes of dsigust
festered in the 
spit of shame

in the world 
I was not equipped
I did not see 
people who were 
not from a good place
I suffered at their hands
and blamed myself
I must have been wrong
a fist to the face
an apology on my lips

i became dysmorphic
in the mirror 
i saw a hideous
face
looking back at me
a twisted demon
my church 
comforting message was
it would be better
you were dead
they said
Jesus would forgive
your suicide
but not your love
of men

my sensitivity, my art
my gifted knitting and needle
a sin
unacceptable to God
my love of dogs a perversion
a sign of immaturity
another abnormality

i used to pray 
I wasn't yours
i must have been adopted
stolen even
or maybe I 
wasn't my dads
maybe that is why 
he hated me

what was wrong
with me
why couldn't I
 get it right
I was in a position
 to die
i wanted nothing
 esle
I was no good
I was pain 
personified
I wanted it to 
end

opportunity arose
12 hours undisturbed
time to free myself 
before I was found
as it happend my mother
ruled by appearance
left me 18 hours
when I wouldn't wake
an employee
called the ambulance

I awoke hearing the DR tell
my parents it was too late
the couldn't reverse it
it was just time
I was awake
I heard
I was petrified
I wanted to pass 
into oblivion
unaware

I waited
I waited
I waited 
I became nore conscious.
hearing, taste 
altered weirdly

the huge drive up
to an imposing 
Victorian asylum
the nutters inside
the man who sat 
opposite me
his arms a blaze 
with cuts
the twins
convnced the Germans
were coming
the screams
the woman held down
 as meds were 
forced upon her
 The toss was home 
or here
I chose here
not knwoing i was signing
my freedom a way
that the abuse was 
really going to start now
the abuse was really 
going to start
now

No haven
no respite
held down and
bottom bared
as largactil
forced into my blood
a torture in itself..

men in white coats
deciding in two minutes
one is pyschotic and 
needs to be contorlled
nursing staff who dragged
one out of bed
kicked and punched
abnormal EEG
never explained

my 17 years of life
so far
not a shred of interest
to the twats
in white coats

electrodes placed
heterosexual the aim
pain and sex the result

a world away
fresh as yesterday
yet so far away

today the good life
away from experts
away from shrinks
away from bullies
in Angel gear

knowing i am good
always was
was not the problem
they were

i fought my way
up thru the pit of hell
put those misguided at best
evil at worst
away from my life

I had my revenge
it's a wonderful life
a successful life
i am not their pronouncements
am not a slave
to religious criminasl
who abuse all they can reach

i survived
i made it
i have a wonderous
exciting and free life
the only revenge
is in living.

KNITTING ACCEPTANCE

NEW PARAMETERS (Bugger!)

Damn bother blast.i collapsed at pool. home feeling okay but waiting now for Doc. my legs gave way and i felt very trembly all over. about 15 mins I guess till i staryted to fee; okay again. staff saod i was 'white as shhet' but i only knew i felt feint and weak and wobbly. iam getting very fed up with all this juggling drugs, mobility, food etc. it realy p's me off but i can't just fuck it and take to by bed for the rrest of my ife.

I saw the Doc and she agreed with the pool staff (and me) that I had a hypo. It seems I still cannot eat carbs without risking one. No, I am not diabetic. No I have nothing wrong with my pancreas, thyroid or stomach. I just produce too march insulin in response to sugar, hence the reason I was so fat and tired until I went low carb, lost a 100lb and generally felt better. So it seems even complex carbs, like oats, does it for me. So back to low carb. The aspirin is okay too, for a couple more days only of course. Neighbours was upsetting today only because of Rhys mother, young and wheelchair bound, not even able to move neck. They told us what was wrong with her today and I had expected MS or MND but it is spinal degeneration-one of my problems. I needed that after already feeling down. BUT it is why I keep mobile as much as I can. My Aunt Jessie was like her, supports all over, in a wheelchair. I am putting that off as long as possible. It is a matter of finding a balance. I will rest Tuesday and swim the following day.

i knew there was good reason to hide out in my changing room until the hypo went away because the staff would have insisted I drank sugar-which would only have exacerbated it. I f had been home, I'd have eaten cheese although today just told me to do nothing and it will right itself.

Well I am going to do nothing at all today. Stay in, watch telly (DVDs), quality time with dogs. Kitting. Listening to music. Twaddle on here. Re-adjust myself yet again to the new circumstances and possibilities. Allow myself to feel sad about it. Gain strength again to say well f*ck it! I am going to live and live well despite it. The constant parameter change can be overwhelming and frustrating but once I get the change, I can deal with it. I am lucky. I am not totally incapacitated. I know of someone twenty years older with same and they still walk if little, but not wheelchair bound. I feel I ought to apologise for not being my smiling self and banging on about this but writing is the way I assimilate. Thru writing I answer myself because I write what I didn't know I thought or I write an idea I had not thought about. At least, yet again, the low carb route has shown itself to be my only option and the only route my Dr says is open to me. So i can stop believing very effing thing I read. Of course I could have taken that article and had a large protein breakfast. This is what I do when on holiday. Always a large protein breakfast-eggs, sausages, salami, mushrooms, cheese. I then am not hungry until the evening meal.
I ma taking my muscle relaxants today and I will have a take care day. You will have a good day too. You have permission to have fun and enjoy it. xo

ON MY TOES

We are into the sixth hour of WILD CHINA and excellent BBC documentary series on Blu-Ray. I didn't know they have their own elephants nor that the Chinese were very into conservation of lands and animals. Yet the people will also eat almost anything that moves. They have a most delightful snub nose monkey, rather reminiscent of ultra-type Persians. Lots of beautiful species of birds, rodents, red panda-which are more closely related to skunk. And of course Panda for which there was a very rare scene of Panda porn! They have a rather endearing mating ritual which involves the male cuddling up the female and placing his head lovingly and forlornly on her back until she is ready and then he shags her rotten. They also showed the most amazing Ice City built by 10,000 people over 18 days. Miniature of course. At night they were all lit up. Some scenery reminded me of the Rockies. Some of the people were regal looking and one ethnic group had very good looking men in an almost ethereal way - tall and slim with very chiselled features and they wore their hair in a sort of bun with ponytails wrapped from front to back around the head with colourful clothing which may have been silk, I can't 
recall.

I am trying an experiment. Eating breakfast. Not only that but oats, as in porridge. I have not eaten cereals/grains,pulses for years. I am allergic in that they really irritate my gut and cause gas, bloating and frequent pooing. However, the tramadol and  morphine I take daily has pretty much calmed my IBS right down. So this morning I tired 80g of Porridge made with water and some salt and artificial sweetener.

Later, I found my exercise much easier. But not sure if it was the porridge or the fact yesterday was a rest day. I did however, burn more calories according to the meter.  I also did not feel exhausted afterward.

I do not know if I will be able to tolerate this yet. I am also taking large doses of Asprin 3 x daily (425mg) instead of my usual 75mg once. This is too get rid of the inflammation in my hips which got so bad it was keeping me awake. The pain has already gone and now I just ahve the normal pain which the morphine/tramadol/paracetamol take care of. I have no idea why it doesn't deal with inflammation pain.

On top of this I take Protium, an antacid pill.

Well guts have not felt too good this evening. But it  could be the oats, the aspirin or the protium!!! I think tomorrow morning will give me a better idea.

My yarn sold well recently. It was a good feeling to have my work being so appreciated.

I sometimes despair that I cannot seem to do more than I do. 'd like to be knitting on my machines regularly but I just don't have the energy and besides that it becomes inhibitingly painful rather quickly. Then there is the fact my fingers are not working  very well at all. This makes careful sewing and stitch  manipulation not so easy to do.

Life is still good and full of interest despite the challenges. I guess my physical difficulties prevent me becoming complacent! Perhaps too, I have little time to be bored!

DOG N BOTTLE

JUSTICE

Whitney co-presents the last two or three minutes!

Whitney Houston Too Rich To Suffer

In response to comments regarding the death of Whitney Houston:

I feel nothing but compassion for her. 

I think people too readily condemn her or are harsh because they think that money and and fame are a cure all. 

I also think they let jealousy get in the way. 
Addiction is a terrible affliction. If she had died of cancer or diabetes I don't believe would be mean spirited about her death. the woman died because of an illness, one that causes terrible suffering to all 
concerned.
 
Many people are obese and whilst people are mean about fat people, I don't recall anyone slamming <Mama Cass for her death, or come to think ofit  Karen Carpenter who died as a direct result of her addiction. Elvis? He is practically worshipped.
 
Then there are other addictions-OCD-like constant washing, tidy freaks, etc. Why do we pick out booze and drugs as far worse and also a totally self inflicted problem, when we tend to have compassion for anorexics, bulimics, neat freaks, clean freaks, and a host of other addictions. And yes they DO all have victims. 


We ALL pay the cost of food addiction in tax and healthcare costs for example, children losing their parents too young because they were overweight. 
I think what makes people angry is the that Whitney Houston, thru her life and death, has shown that what we think of as the cure, wealth and fame, is no such thing and that scares us stupid because we all think if we were that rich, our problems would disappear. No they would not.

Rich or poor, we are still who we are. I am sure Ms Houston lived under the same illusion and this would have increased her suffering not lessened it. Then of course there is death itself: our biggest fear and now we are in the business of dealing with the fear of our own death by blaming everyone else for theirs! If we eat right, exercise right, do this right, or that right, think this way or that way, follow the true path et etc etc we will not die.

Bollocks but a very powerful incentive nonetheless for us to continue to find reasons why it is THEIR fault for dyeing. Weak people LOSE their BATTLE with cancer! Or they SUCCUMB to MS. Or, most commonly, they did something wrong and brought it upon themselves. Thus we, who are good, will not suffer so. Bad things do not happen to good people do they?

SKY SUITE

John is home sick since last Thursday. He has a chest infection. He often does this time of year. He has COPD so is vulnerable. At least I don't have to fight him to make sure he takes his anti-biotics and stays home. That used to be a real battle.

I am doing very well. The worst of my disease seems to be in  remission. I am able to swim almost daily again. My weight is dropping. I am still taking the drugs and now topping up with 80mg of morphine but I am not fatigued. I don't have that awful bone weariness and I am sleeping quite well too. I am making the most of it. I have no idea how long it will last. My last bad period was two years long. That was how long I struggled to get back to daily swimming and barely managing half my usual laps twice a week. As my Doctor says, there is no telling what will happen next. 

All the dogs are doing well. I took Chase and Christophe to their first show training class last night. Chase was the better of the two, much to my surprise. I had thought Christophe to be the bolder. Chase really showed his socks off. He is not happy withe the judging table but then he isn't at home either. Time will sort that out. I am very pleased with both these boys but I still much prefer Chase.

I am beginning to get more done on the knitting front. Still not as much as I used to. My output dropped significantly during the really bad health period and although I am now good again, I have had the litter of puppies to deal with. I had not thought of puppies as work before, and I still don't, but they do take up a lot of time.

I am very pleased to have found out that John and I will have the same legal rights as heterosexual marrieds when we form our Civil Partnership at 3pm July 7th. They just don't call it Marriage! But the law will change again, and then it will be called marriage. How silly to not call it marriage in the first place!

The amount of people invited has grown somewhat from our original six, including us. Now it is eighteen including us.

We are leaving the day after our wedding to spend a week in Frankfurt, in a 5star hotel, in a suite. It os called a Sky Suite because it is very high up and overlooks the city. I know John will enjoy this. It remains to be seen if I shall even go near the windows, let alone the balcony! Heights are not my forte.

Civil Partnership-Same as Marriage

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4497348.stm

HEAVY PETTING 07 02 12

THE GOOD LIFE

Life is going well. 

I appear to be in 'remission' from the worst aspects of my disease(s). By this I mean that the fatigue is vastly reduced and the pain is well controlled with the drugs. This makes it easier to move and enables me to have fuller days. I am back to swimming almost daily. It is two years since I have been able to do that. My weight is going down as a result.

The date for our Civil Partnership is all set. 3pm July 7th 2012. I call it a wedding. (The govt. intend making it full marriage anyway but don't ask me what the differences are!) I have invited all the guests. Our intent has been properly registered.

I have booked a suite in Frankfurt, Germany as our wedding treat. Sunday8th to Sunday 15th, with Monday to Saturday in the suite. It's a 'Sky Suite', a high rise room, with city views. I will not go near the balcony probably but John  will like it. The hotel is central in walking distance of shopping and museums and galleries.

I am very pleased with Mary-Grace's litter. I sold the only female, a very good one, to my friend for showing. I will leave it to her as to when it becomes public knowledge. i have kept two males, Chase and Christophe. I prefer Chase but Christophe is also very promising. I kept both so as to see how they develop. I will sell Christophe as a pet or a show dog when he is over 6 months and it is easier to see how he has developed. Both move every well and have excellent movement tho they are of different style.

I have sold yarn well. I have not made much effort to do so as I have been so busy with the litter. I have only one sleeve left to knit on my cashmere/silk sweater.

We have had much snow here with more forecast. It is very cold, with temps going down to -10c tomorrow night.

Today I have been listening to a woman called Devil Doll. I really like her forthright style. Big band/rock type songs with guts and power and sometimes 4 letter lyrics! It's different and she has a powerful voice.

SNOW DOGS

BORN AGAIN BEFORE-AFTER

This is me when still shackled to Christianity.

This is me Born Again and religion free.