I have been very conscious recently of the fact that I am close to 50 years old.
On the one hand, I am amazed to be here and am very aware that I am lucky and many people do not get here.
On the other hand, I can't look at my life and feel like I have achieved anything or been successful at anything.
On a personal level, I have conquered anorexia, bulimia, drink and drug addiction, smoking, OCD, bi polar disorder and changed myself profoundly, managing to undo much of the damage done to my psych/soul by the abuse I suffered. On that level, I have succeeded. I am not the easist of people to like or to love, that is clear, yet I am loved. I have been in a committted partnership for 26 years.
I have not succeeded at anything else. I have never earned my own living. I have never 'shone' at anything. I am adequate at a few things. I enjoy things and am passionate about them but that is personal and doesn't reach out beyond. I am adequate at my knitting but am no Kaffe or Alice or Debbie. I am not good enough to have made my mark there. I enjoy my dogs but have only in the last few years been able to go where I want with that and given my age, my disability, am not likely to get where I planned.
On a society level, I am invisible, worthless. I do not contribute anything. Meritocracies do not value people such as me. They only value those that can contribute. And even then it doesn' value the 'lowly' like street cleaners, teachers, nurses etc. You may be surprised at the last two but it is clear to me they are not valued-look at their pay!
We are told that we live in lands of opportunity. Yes we do - as long as you are inteligent, physically and emotionally healthy and do not have any disabilites.
I am aware of my luck-how I can pretty much please myself on daily basis. How I am no longer homeless. How I am no longer living in torment. How I more than survive now. How good my life is when i compare it to the lot of others.
It would have been nice to have achieved something. I know it may sound odd, but all of the people I know well are older than me by quite a bit. Assuming I am old when I die, there will be no one to say goodbye. And no one to remember that I was here.
Gosh, I never would have thought I'd ever think those thoughts. Mind you I never would have thought I would ever be this age either.
If life is only to be enjoyed, then I do that - mostly....
Another long stretch, but hoping to be more regular
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9 comments:
Knitman
Achieving something is living your life to the fullest extent that you can. Just the fact that you & your partner have been together 26 years puts you ahead of most today.
What you do in daily support does not have a price, and is a major contribution. It is achieving something, all the stay at home partners have this feeling on occasion.
Society does not value what it can not see.
But you are seen. You have created some great patterns, posted pix of some really terrific pups.
This, to me, fullfills my basic - leave the world a better place that what you found it.
And you have succeeded.
-H
As always, your posts are so thought provoking, that I could comment on all of them for hours. However, have you ever considered that you have already changed someone's life in a major and wonderful way, and you don't even know it? Not everyone here was put on this planet to do profound things on a public level. That is a myth, to think that we are. Even if it is for just one small moment that you realize this, consider the possibility that you have changed someone's life. Even your own? That's big stuff, and good enough for me, and it is eternal.
My DH and I retired in our mid 40's over 10 years ago. When asked about what we "do," our reply is "nothing." This befuddles folks. Along with the stated jealousy about not being able to retire, I sense this condemnation about not using our degrees, experience, and energies toward the GREATER GOOD. They can't understand our contentment with our pursuit of our personal interests, thinking it somewhat selfish. Ah well. We pay our bills, have well adjusted adult children and don't drain society's resources. I do occasionally get a flash of guilt, but fondle my yarn and get over it quickly.
Think of all you have accomplished in your corner of the universe. I'll never be an Elizabeth Zimmermann, but when I arrive at my LYS for the weekly clinic there's always someone glad to see me as I help them get over a glitch. That small thing gives me great pleasure.
Colin,
The Universe continues to amaze me. I want you to know that the private email I sent you earlier today was sent BEFORE I read your post for today.
I'll elaborate just a tad for you. I, too, am very near 50. I have a daughter who is bipolar and is recovering from drug abuse and abuse and manipulation by her father and his friends when she was a child. She spent a period homeless, until the cold drove her to seek treatment for the drug and alcohol abuse. She is fighting her way back, one day at a time. I had not thought until todays post to tell her about your blog, but rest assured I will be calling her as soon as I post this comment.
There is an ad on the airways here for an insurance company. It shows one person performing one simple act to help another person. The second person is then inspired to help another, much like a butterfly effect.
You do make a difference, Colin. And you will be remembered, though I hope it will be many years still that we are able to read your fresh blot entries.
Terri
I don't agree that you've achieved nothing. If nothing else, your jumpers are always absolutely gorgeous, and finished to perfection. I only wish mine were as good as yours!
Like the other posts here, I feel you make your mark every day...Wonderful knits and thought provoking blog posts...We all have our down days, and through Gods great grace we get through them...May we all live many years to come happily knitting along making someone elses day a bit brighter with our creations...
Needles up, all knitting....
Knitman!! I have a child that's 51 years old!! (Stepchild). If I heard her talking like that I'd probably kick her butt!!
You ARE a good person!!!
You ARE worth something!!
Just consider your butt kicked!!
Hugs Jean S in Tx, USA
I'll remember. Though as a previous poster said, I hope it's many years yet before your wise words are just a memory. I learn something new every time I read one of your "thinking" posts, and your beautiful knitting and the dogs are terrific eye candy in between times.
Achievement. Shite. I struggle with that, too. I'm a musician. if I had to live on what I've earned in that capacity over the years, I would be in a cardboard box under a bridge by a motorway, bopping from soup kitchen to soup kitchen. I'm also a writer. See above for what I would do on those earnings. And yet...and yet...I am still driven to Create. Hitching my wagon to a rock? Maybe. Depends on how I choose to define success on any given day.
I think if we can be ourselves and proudly use our gifts in the face of how screwed up the world had gotten, then we have achieved success. We don't have to buy into what "they" say is the way of success, though by God/Goddess, it is damned hard sometimes.
You are not alone.
Bless you, dear, and never ever stop being You.
Paula
Oh, Colin, but you do shine. You breed beautiful dogs and are an inspiration for how you handle all of the various difficulties in your life. You are an incredible knitter and cause many of us to strive to knit better, even when we are discouraged.
Finally, you are a fine friend.
So, I say to you - You shine every day.
Iris
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