WHAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO

you can see some of these in my shop where I have a £2 off sale until July 2oth, midnight UK time. KNITMAN’S KITCHEN

CERE’S SOCKS

These socks are Cere, my vet. She has the same size feet as I. The yarn is my own Knitman’s Kitchen, SW Blue Face Leicester / nylon, 400m / 100g. My last of this mix. The design is my own. I used The Andersson Construction Method with the revised Mach II heel. This is the second pair in which I have used the 1 x1 gusset, with a modification on the first time. I much prefer this.

Click on pictures for a larger view.

I knitted them using 2mm ADDI Lace circulars. The pattern was made up as I went along and is in my head and therefore not available. I may one day figure out how to download from my brain to a pc/iMac!

MAMMOTH READ

I have done a huge amount of dyeing.  Mainly because I was trying to get a particular colourway to look right, but also because I have been experimenting with different ways of putting the dye on.  I now have an awful lot of work to do because I need to rewind them into balls and then in to hanks.

I have a beautiful cashmere and silk sweater half done on the silver reed knitting machine fine gauge.  This is the John and is in three shades of grey.  This has to be my favourite yarn ever.  It is strong and machine washable and slinky soft.

None of the girls are in season yet, but judging from the way they are behaving either Carly or Edna is about to come in.  I think it is Carly because she also is not eating that well and is just behaving rather oddly.  She is normally an affectionate girl but she is over affectionate, right now.

I am reading my first Stephen King novel for years.  This one is called Under The Dome.  It is another mammoth read rather like The Stand, which I enjoyed very much when it first came out.  I have enjoyed many of his novels, but I think he became too long-winded.  Or maybe I just got bored with that sort of story.

It is excellent news that the oil spill in the golf appears to have been stopped.

The difference in the weather is amazing.  It has gone from very sunny and an extremely hot and humid to cloudy and breezy and cool!

I am really looking forward to our trip to Dresden in Germany.  I know this was a far better choice for us than Barcelona.  Assuming of course that there is no heat wave!  Even if there is, I doubt very much that it will be between 35 and 40, which is what it's likely to be in Barcelona.

The puppies are nine weeks old today and they are going to their first vaccination this afternoon.  All the puppies that had over the years, these have to be the nicest tempered I've ever had.  I've never produced bad tempers , but these three are especially a bold and friendly.  They also talk just like Luque and Whitney do!  Luque is definitely a dominant sire.  I am very pleased with Mary Grace.  She is built very well moves very well and has a lovely attitude.  Unfortunately, she also has mis-coloured fleck in one eye.  I think this would preclude her from being shown, but we honestly is far too well-made, to not at least have a litter from her when she's old enough.

DYEING SPREE

John and I went to the Plate and Porter last night for our 29th anniversary meal. As always, the food was excellent. John had a melon and Parma ham from both for his daughter, followed by a seafood Thermidor, followed by a fruit salad with sorbet. I started with a chicken and fried leeks Caesar followed by filet steak with seasonal vegetables. Then followed by a trio of chocolate mousse, white chocolate ice cream and a dark chocolate crème brûlée with dark chocolate crème brûlée was the highlight for me! So far, I appear to have got away with it as well. It's been at least 13 hours since I ate, and my gut seems to be okay.

Today's utility day at the East of England championship show, and I am not there. This show was on my doorstep, but I didn't enter and it feels rather weird. It was my choice and I stand by it.

The puppies will be nine weeks old on Tuesday and I will get them their first vaccination. At the moment only Tucker is available to buy, but I haven't found a suitable buyer for him. They are delightful characters and take very much after their father, and their older sister, Whitney. Luque certainly puts his stamp on his puppies.I am still very pleased with Mary Grace and I feel confident that she will be staying.

I have really been on a dyeing spree recently. I have been experimenting with different ways of putting the dye on the yarn. I think I have come to the conclusion that having the yarn soak in the acid solution gives me better results than having the acid in the actual dye. However, I have a lot of Landscape dyes and Gay Wool dyes and they all have acid already in them. I have a load of base colours in new dyes now. I am very pleased with them. They give very vibrant colours, with only a little amount of dye. Half a gram to 200 mls of water, gives a very strong colour. I have had a heck of a job trying to diet commission somebody. She sent me a piece of yarn from a hank that she had bought from me months ago. I thought that this would be easy to recreate that she doesn't want it in the same yarn. After many attempts to replicate the colours that she wants, I finally realise that the reason I cannot get what she wants is because of the yarn, not the dyeing. I have discovered something very important: it is not just the dye that makes a difference but also the yarn.

 

GREEN EYED FOOL (DOG SHOW MORON)

I took the puppies to be micro-chipped today.  My friend who did it was also at Windsor show last Friday.  He shared something with me, that made him very angry.

He had overheard two women in my breed speaking about me.  One of them was saying ' there's nothing wrong with him, you know, he just does that for sympathy'!!!!!!

Well my friend was rather incensed by this and told them exactly what he thought of them.  He also has similar problems, so he understands.

I find it amusing that somebody would be so unintelligent, and so twisted by jealousy, that they would say such a thing!  I go through an awful lot of inconvenience and expense just to get a bit of sympathy.  I ought to feel complimented, because obviously if I can fool, a neurologist, a rheumatologist, an orthopaedic surgeon and an x-ray machine, and a regular GP  I must be f'ing good!

I guess this means that some people are getting pissed off at Witney winning so well!

I also did my swim this morning but other than take the puppies for their chipping.  I have done nothing much else, I feel as though somebody has pulled the plug on me!  No energy at all.

All say aaarrrhhh.... poor thing.....

UNEXPECTED JOLT FROM THE PAST

I was speaking with somebody I know today, and whom I like.  I got to know them about 18 months ago, because of my involvement in dogs.  During our conversation, she said something using my old surname.  I was really taken aback.  Whereas I have only known this person for 18 months,  even though I have been aware of them for the last 6 to 8 years, she has known me for 25+ years!  I do not remember her at all.  She clearly remembers me and clearly remembers what I used to be like. 

Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that this person has done absolutely nothing wrong.

All those years ago I was severely disturbed.  I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.  I was doped up to the eyeballs, most of the time.  My behaviour was erratic.  My mood swung violently from elation to deep depression.  I was actively in to self harm and actively bulimic.  I was completely unaware of myself and others.

I changed my surname by deed poll, and I cringe when ever I hear that name or see it written anywhere.  I hate the sound of it and have done for as long as I can remember.  I changed my name in 1979.

I am not so sure why I feel so disturbed.  I am not that person any more.  I have worked very hard to get to where I am now and am very happy with where I am now.  I am no longer disturbed.  I know what is what.  And I have come to terms as much as anybody can with the horrors of my childhood.

When I think back to how I was and the people that I was friends with,I cringe.  I cringe both at how I used to be and how I could possibly have had those sort of people in my life.  Many people judged me severely or took advantage of my situation, and my weakness.  Not any more. I do not allow it.

There is somebody who goes to the shows that I know from way back then.  But I don't really care what they think because they are a homophobe.  Always have been and have never thought well of me.  So I don't care what they think.

Although I am a product of my experiences.  My past is the past and I wish it to stay there.  I have my grief days, and I know that I always will.  Those who know me from way back then, are not owed anything by me.  They have absolutely no idea what I was dealing with, and it is none of their business.  If they choose to judge me or find it amusing, that says much about them and nothing about me.

I really am surprised at the strength of my feeling about this.  I think perhaps I should have more compassion for myself and for that poor wretch that I was.  I do, I know only too well what he was suffering, yet at the same time.  I do inwardly cringe at the memory of the person that I used to be.  So vulnerable and easily taken advantage of, and I let people walk all over me

I am confused and I don't really know why I am so upset about this jolt from the past.

ALL CHANGE

It looks as if we shall go to Germany instead of Barcelona for our holiday.  I realised from the way that the heat affects both John and I that Barcelona in their hottest month of August, was not a good idea. We will go to Barcelona March - April time next year, when it will be cooler.

We will probably be going to Dresden, Nuremberg, and then onto Mannheim, where we will stay for a few days and visit with our friends Lia and Lui, as well as visit surrounding areas.

Good friends of ours bought an Apso from us seven years ago.  They have two sons that are now adult, and they have left home.  They have been sharing, Vienna, between the two homes!  I have decided to give them the gold and white boy from this letter.  Now the boys have their own dog.  Coincidentally, they have decided to call him Luque not realising that that is what his father is called.  I also didn't know that Luque is the name of a well-known footballer!

I am doing a service at Bradwell on the Norfolk coast this evening.  I will leave here at about 4:30 as it is 90 miles away.

It looks as though Mary Grace is going to be another howler.  Luque and Whitney, his daughter, both howl when they are excited.  They both talk as well, they are quite vocal dogs.  They are not barkers.  So I am not saying they are noisy dogs trust that they are very expressive.

It is a beautiful clear sunny day outside.  Not as warm as it has been and there is quite a breeze going.

WINDSOR

Despite the difficulties of getting to Windsor and home from Windsor, I really enjoyed the show. It was in the low 70s and overcast, so it wasn't all unbearable. I enjoyed meeting with and chatting with people.

Whitney showed her socks off and won her ninth challenge certificate. Whitney really does enjoy this. Much to my surprise, she nosied up to the Best of Breed male. Normally, she will growl at any dog that comes near us. She does not do this at home and is very mild mannered when we are out, though she does not tolerate any dogs coming near us.

It was another lovely day weatherwise and we are going to go to Panini's as usual for brunch. I hope we get to the market butcher early enough that she still has venison left. I really enjoy the steaks and the cubed for casseroles. Very low-fat, but very tender and tasty.

It looks as though our plan to go to Barcelona is still on. Neither of the girls that I want to breed are in season, and neither are showing any sign of being so.

It is amazing how gossip gets around. I will clear something up right now. Whitney will be retired by the end of August 2011. This is when I will breed her. I have not made my final decision as to whom I will breed her to. But yes, it is likely that I will breed her abroad. So whatever else you may hear what you read here is the actual truth! (Whitney comes in season like clockwork. She is in season for Crufts and August SKC .)

I am managing my pain much better. I am able to swim five days a week, which I really enjoy and am so thrilled to be able to do again. Now all I have to do is get rid of the seven pounds that I put on! I'm not sure if I've mentioned that those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time, will recall that last year, I have a problem with one of the lifeguards bullying me. It all came to a head as you will remember, and I had a couple of interviews with the manager. I am pleased to say that since that time, which is now over a year and said lifeguard has never returned to the pool side. I am so grateful to the young lifeguard, who at the time was only 23 for having the courage to back me up as he witnessed her behaviour towards me.

John shoulder is doing much better now. However, as is usual with incidents like this, it changes forever the attitude one has. He is much more conscious of security on the way home from the station and now makes sure that he is carrying nothing. Which of course is very inconvenient. It also means that I have more concern, and am anxious to get his phone call to say that he is safe and indoors.

UNWELCOME GUEST

I was up early today.  It was a good start to the day I went swimming as usual, and that went very well.  And then I came home and did the things I need to do here.  I sat and I did some knitting for a while.  Then I had a nap, and then I went for my three o'clock appointment at the optician.  This is when my day got unpleasant.

The optician is too far from the car park for me to have walked.  When I made the appointment, they are aware that I am a wheelchair user, and they told me that they had a ramp, which they would put in place when I went to my appointment.  I arrived at 5 to 3.  The ramp was not in place and they made me wait 20 minutes sitting outside on the pavement.  I sat there getting more and more annoyed and wondering at the same time if I had a right to be annoyed.  Was I being too sensitive,  etc etc

I wrote about what happened on Facebook, and all of the responses expressed outrage that I was treated like that.  I suppose, then, it wasn't unreasonable that I felt upset about it.

No matter how far I have come on the matter how well people think I there are times, just like this one, where I am confused.  Are being abused still confuses me.  I have to wonder if I am being abused or not.  In this case, yes, they treated me badly.

This is an example of what I mean, when I say that one never overcomes childhood abuse.  One gains strength to live with it and live well, but situations like this will always arise and the same doubts and confusion and feelings will arise again.  It can come out of the blue like an unwelcome visitor and whilst I have not learned to welcome it, I accept that it happens.

On an entirely different and more positive note, I am really getting the hang of this Dragon NaturallySpeaking program.  It really is much better and quicker than typing, and although it is not  fool proof, it takes much less time to correct than my bad typing does.

DYEING DAYS

NOT TRUE!!!!!!

I have just finished watching an episode of Without A Trace.  In the final scene, Jack is upset because he told and abuse victim that her life was never get better.  And he believes that he lied to her, because in his opinion she could never overcome what happened to her.

This is not true!  I know it is not true!

No the damage can never be undone, but one can learn to live with that very well.

I do wish people would stop saying that we who have been abused can never have a good life.  We can have a good life, despite everything given love, support, and hope.

By saying that we can never overcome, we are stripped of hope.  That is far more damaging than anything else that could be put in our way.

ANOTHER FIRST

I went to meet my friend Marilyn in Peterborough today.  This is the first time I have been anywhere other than my local supermarket with the wheelchair on my own.  It went very well.  I spent the last two hours on my own going around the shops.  The only time I felt vulnerable was having to go down into the basement to use the toilet.  It crossed my mind that if anybody wanted to take advantage of my situation this is where they could.

I bought myself a nice pair of rimless frames as I'm getting my eyes tested tomorrow because my prescription has changed-again!  I also bought a pair of prescription goggles for swimming.  They are quite amazing, I was really surprised at how well I can see through them.  Much better than having to put contact lenses in every morning.

It has rained on and off today but has done little to make it feel cooler.  In fact it made it more humid.  Even the dogs just lays about not wanting to do anything.

I am getting much better at using this voice dictation software.  It does make errors, which I have to correct, but it is still far better than my typing and less time-consuming.

WE ARE SUCH LIARS!

It is hot again, and as is usual for the UK very humid. It is expected to reach 90 today.

I had a productive day yesterday dyeing yarn, and I have already re-hanked a few of them today.

Another idiot called me for one of my puppies today. I always make it clear that I will only deal with people on the telephone and none of my puppies are to be used for breeding.  They are to live as household pets only. I still get people call me who want to breed, and they think that by being manipulative I will allow them to. Too many people think it would be cute to have a litter of puppies without any idea what is involved.

We all probably go to church this afternoon as it has been quite a while since we have. I went on my last Thursday but John and I have not been together for quite a long time.

The puppies are very happy and lively and they will be seven weeks old on Tuesday. They eat well and play well, but in this heat, they spend much of their time sleeping in the shade.

I am reading a new book by Dorothy Rowe called WHY WE LIE.  I think I have read most of her books and find them immensely helpful.  Rowe, it is not an easy read at all, very challenging, but I credit her books is one saving me from the life of pain that I was living.  From her, I understood not only how I came to think the way that I thought and about the way other people's ideas and thought patterns had infected mine.  From there I learned that ideas are just ideas not TRUTH.  This was a revelation to me.

I do not agree with everything that Rowe writes and I may not even understand all of it but I devour her box.

Dictated using Dragon Naturally Speaking.

INTERNAL EXPLOSION!

I should have been at Blackpool, dog show today.Unfortunately, I had been laid up with a bug instead. I feel much better today, but slept most of yesterday. Having spent most of the previous night exploding from both ends. I didn't eat for 24 hours and then I had a craving for boiled rice.

John came home yesterday that he could take care of me and the dogs.

I had another e-mail from Joyce. The woman, who said that I was gay because because I chose to be after my abuse. I deleted it without reading it and I can't imagine why she thinks I want to hear from her.

My latest pair of socks is the further development of using a one by one gusset. I am very pleased that this pair. They will go to my vet, Cere, as she also has the same size as me.

We will probably go to Pannini's for brunch.

Whitney needs to be bathed so I will do that later.

The puppies are doing extremely well and I am very pleased that their temperaments. They are built very well also, I will be keeping Mary Grace, and possibly Jackson.

KILL ME SOFTLY

Frequently in this country the subject of euthanasia comes up in the news. I get very angry at those who are opposed to it. At present, they hold sway. We are in a ridiculous position of being criminally liable if we help a human being in agony to die and be criminally liable if we do not kill an animal that is in agony!

With the law as it stands, I would have to kill myself before my illness makes my life intolerable.

There is no way I am going to allow myself to come under the control of health professionals. It  is a lie to say that people do not die in pain.  They do.  Pain relief does not work in over 30% of people who are dying from a painful condition.  My GP told me that.  I know of a woman who had to have her spinal cord cut, which made her completely paralysed, to end her pain!

Those who campaign to keep euthanasia illegal keep accusing those of us who believe in helping to end a person's suffering through compassion, of wanting to play God.  Taking antibiotics, painkillers, surgery, all are playing God!

Why should I have to die miserably just because of somebody else's idea?  How dare they force their religious views or ethical views upon other people?  It is not true that where there is life there is hope.  Another lie.  What sort of God wants a person to die in agony, and without dignity?  Often the only reason a person gets to that point is because of medical interference in the first place!  We are so afraid of death that we cause enormous suffering to each other.  Although of course we seem to have no qualms about killing people with bombs!  By that I am not just referring to terrorists.

I believe that it is pure cowardice, if not wickedness, to think that it is somehow noble or right to leave a person to die in agony.  Oh, I know that they will not literally be left.  They will be watched.  This makes it worse, as far as I'm concerned.

The argument that many people, especially the old and disabled will be put to death by the selfish and self-centred, is a ridiculous argument against euthanasia!

I would not expect a doctor to help somebody to die if they really felt that they could not.  I do expect that a doctor, who would not have a problem in acting out of compassion, would be allowed to do so.

Yes I do find the prospect of finding myself incapable and in pain, frightening.  I know what to do to end my life, but it really upsets me that I would have to do this before there was any chance that I could not and my life was in the hands of others.  I find the attitude of many healthcare professionals and lay people to be quite abhorrent.  It is one thing to make decisions for oneself, based on religious belief.  It is quite another to make such decisions for others based upon such beliefs.

Crazy Preachers - Funny!

ALL AROUND MY HAT

CLICK ON PICTURE FOR A LARGER VIEW

Just in case you were wondering, I built this outfit around the hat. I found the hat in a Brussels, Belgium, market at Xmas time. It has been sitting with my other hats until it told me what it wanted to be grouped with. It told me this week.

My outfits usually are built around just one item that I saw and liked and then wondered what on earth I'd wear it with. It could be a waistcoat, a hat, or boots. I have jeans in various shades and this Tuxedo and a couple of other jackets. It might take months of listening before an outfit comes together.

Whilst being conspicuous can be daunting at times, at least I am known for the way I dress now and not because of the way I walk or 'the man with the sticks'. I am conspicuous either way so I might as well have fun with it whilst I still can.

Today's Funny

THE HATED BECOME THE HATERS

http://tinyurl.com/39arp28

Dragon Speaking Naturally

I am using the above named voice to text recognition software. I am very impressed so far I am speaking at a totally natural speed, in fact really quite fast,and it is writing what I say. However for those who enjoy my typos I am sure there will still be errors to please you!

EVIL STATES OF MIND

This is not an argument about whether there is a god for the sake of the following I assume there is.  I also think it is important that a few things are known about how I think.

1.  I love everybody.  I am not emotionally attached to everybody and I certainly don't like everybody but I honestly do love  everybody.  I want for all what I want for myself.

2.  I do not believe that any one is evil.  I believe that there are evil states of mind which can be altered.

3.  I believe that how we think and what we believe is of the utmost importance.  It is our beliefs that creates the world that we live in.

I understand how Vicky and Joyce think the way that they do.  Fear can make us all think illogically.  It can also make us behave in evil ways.

I had an evil mindset because I was taught to have one.  I was taught that I was born evil and that only through accepting the unacceptable would I be loved.  I was taught that I was destined for an eternity of burning in Hell.  I was taught that just like people’s, god's love was conditional.  I cannot speak for other religions but Christians deny that they're god's love is conditional.  It clearly is.  Having to believe something in order to be loved is a condition placed upon that love!

I was taught that merely to question is evil.  It was Satan who put the questions in my mind, who made me doubt, and that I, because of my innate evilness, allowed Satan into my life and thus doubt.

On top of all this was the threat of abandonment.  It is very hard for people to go against the prevailing ideas.  To do so means one is risking all.  One risks being shunned, not just by one's community but by one's family also.  This is a truly terrifying prospect.  Anyone who has experienced abandonment knows this to be true.

I also happened to have parents who abandoned me at a very young age.  They did not physically abandon me but abandon me they did.  They abused me, they did not love me, they left me in my fear without any solace or comfort or care.  They abandoned me.

I had absolutely no difficulty in understanding that I was going to Hell.  Not only was my day to day life fear filled but there was no prospect of the fear stopping.  I already knew that I was not acceptable to my parents, especially to my father, but I was too young to understand that it was because I was homosexual.  When it became apparent to me that I was one of these evil people I lost all hope.

Love saved me and brought me out of Hell.  Firstly my partner John.  His loving kindness allowed a little, very little, crack in my thinking.  Whilst I could easily envisage my own damnation I could not envisage his.  This was the beginning of my freedom.  The second man to love me was the therapist I saw for five years who was experienced in deprogramming the type of mindset I had.  He never once told me that there was anything wrong with me.  All he did was point out different options in thinking.  This I found both terrifying and amazing.  I had not been aware that there were other ways to think.

Fundamentalists are very much like drug addicts.  I have known many addicts who put down their drugs only to take up another addiction, that of fundamentalism.  Whilst whilst one is high on drugs that is all one cares about.  It feels so good one does not think about the effect one is having on others.  In just the same way whilst one is high on an idea of Jesus and Heaven one is so wrapped up in the high of that, that the welfare of others is of no consequence.  As with the drug addict thinking becomes black and white with only one goal in mind: being high.

Christians it seems fall into two camps: fundamentalists and liberals.  Fundamentalists say that they believe and follow every word of the Bible, which is a lie, whereas liberals say they believe in Jesus but not the bits of the Bible they don't like.  Fundamentalists believe that god will cause unbelievers to suffer the agony of burning for eternity.  Liberals, because they think they are so much kinder, believe instead that unbelievers will suffer eternal abandonment.  Both end games are evil.  Only an evil mindset could conceive of such wickedness or believe in a god who would do either!

People often use their religion as their reason for believing as they do.  This is a lie.  Those who say that they believe that being homosexual is wrong because their religion says so are lying, to themselves and to others.  If their own conscience was not in accord with their religion they would reject this evil teaching.  They are personally responsible for what they believe.

I am referring here to adults only.  However one was brought up, one is personally responsible for one's present mindset.  Not necessarily for the way one thinks but certainly for looking at it and doing what is necessary to change and grow.  The fact that it is frightening and painful to examine one's self and one's beliefs is not an acceptable reason to stick with the status quo.

Whilst I have compassion and understanding for people such as Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others who think in this way it does not mean that their ideas do not make me angry nor do my feelings of compassion and love for all mean that I ought not be vociferous in my opposition to the evil they espouse.

When it is suggested that I ought not to criticise others beliefs and I find myself wondering if there is some truth in that I remember Matthew Shepard and that poor 10 year old boy who hung himself because of homophobic bullying.  Even though the Jewish State and historians in general would like us to forget that homosexuals and the disabled and gypsies were also tortured and killed in the Holocaust, I personally do not forget any of those millions who lost their lives through bigotry and hatred and as a result I find I cannot keep quiet in the face of such evil as espoused by some commentators on my blog and by religious leaders and religious followers in general.

Anger and hatred are not the same thing.  Yes I get angry at the pain and suffering caused by people to people.  If my anger leads me to want to harm or condemn others then my mind set in that would be evil.  I hate evil, that is true.  I do not hate people.  I wish no one harm.  I am well aware that people choose to use lies to attack me such as Vicki did, where she wrote that my blog was mainly composed of negative flaming, when one only has to scroll down to see that it is a lie.  People also choose to interpret anger as hatred because it suits them to.  If they allowed themselves to read what I write honestly and with an open mind they might feel and if they felt they might not be able to live with themselves in their present state of mind.

The worst thing any of us can do is decide that they know THE TRUTH.  Once one is convinced that one's own judgment is beyond question, one's mind becomes closed and evil results.  In Christian terms a closed mind cannot possibly admit the Holy Spirit and cannot be healed.  Therefore sin cannot be forgiven.  Meaning error cannot be corrected because such a mind does not see the need for correction.

I have done my best to state my position clearly.  O and I would like to add that I find the atheist position to be just as closed minded.  To say that without doubt there is no god is just as fundamentalist as those who insist in their own rightness.  If my understanding is correct, agnosticism would be the only honest position.

DISCOURSE

Heather W. Torrance said...

Hi Colin,
To be fair, you should probably pick on other religions, too, not just Christianity. Islam is also very anti-homosexual, as are traditional Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism...really, nearly all of them. Obviously Christianity has been the most damaging to you personally, but for the sake of homosexuals in countries where it is literally a death sentence to be out, perhaps you could speak out for them and pick on those religions.
As for the reactions you get from Christians...well, I understand the people who are offended that you lump them all into one group. But, more than that, I think they should be understanding of you. If they're tolerant, they need to be louder about it. They need to denounce other Christians who are intolerant towards homosexuals, instead of denouncing gays who've had to put up with bad treatment they're whole lives and are understandably burned by it.
I don't agree that all Christians are fundies. There are plenty of liberal Christians out there - whole denominations of them, in fact, as well as significant movements within many of the large churches, such as the Methodist and Episcopal churches. But they are fighting a rabid opposition, they're outnubered, and frankly, a lot of pro-gay people are also anti-religion, so they don't have as much support as they could. So maybe instead of attacking Christians, you should just attack fundies of all faiths, and find some common ground with the liberals in the faith who are on your side.
Best,
Heather

 

Dear Heather-you missed the point too. I am very well aware of the type of people you speak of, two female friends are Priests and my excellent Dr is also a Xtian.They are not the evil kind. The Dalai Lama, the leader of Tibetan Buddhists is not anti gay. I don't think Buddhism has a doctrine of hate toward us.
People like Pailin et al pretend to speak for ALL Xtians because if uou don't agree, then you are not one, in their eyes. The email printed previously from Joyce is the kind of evil I am writing about and if people truly did read my blog, they'd know my position, and it is not one of blindness to other faiths or to people who have faith, like me, but who are not fundy. There are haters without faith too. There is much to be offended about and I'd have been happier that you were offended by the Vicki's comment rather than what you perceived me to think. I am in agreement with you: Islam, Judaisim, and Xtains and others all preach hatred of us and in some countries we are killed in the name of God. In the UK and the USA we are killed in the name of hate fuelled by religious hatred of us.

THE EVIL PEOPLE DO

I can only hope that dear Joyce can see her error before she harms yet more of her brothers and sisters. I find this type of evil most insidious and difficult to heal as the thinker’s mind is closed. Not even the ‘holy spirit’ can heal such a  mind. How the writer of this can in any way think this is a loving email is beyond me.

from:marjoy@rttinc.com

Hi Colin,

I sometimes read your blog, not often.

But did read the part your wrote about you would have not made a good parent because of your abuse when you were growing up.

I don't think that is a reason or excuse to turn your life into being a gay man.

God did make you a man, &  (I know we have not tread in your shoes,) but God destroyed Sodom & Gomorra for the sexual sins the people were practicing, & just saying you would not have made a good parent is not excuse enough for your life style.

God gave us a command to populate the earth, that is one reason He made us, only one reason, & there are many more reasons, & He made us in His image & I don't think He expected us to populate the earth if we were all living a homosexual existence.

It is hard for me to grasp that people think that homosexual life is in anyway a normal lifestyle, & everyone that is homosexual always has some excuse of their lifestyle, which makes the conclusion of trying to reason to the rest of us that it is okay.

You are a very talented person, God gave you those talents you have, He also puts us through trials & tribulations to make us better people & through these things we are meant to learn from them.

The abuse we go through in life, makes us a better parent, as we know how terrible it is & we want to make sure our children never have to go through that type of abuse, we only learn that from experience.

I'm sure with your talents you would have been a great parent.

You stated you don't believe in Hell, but I am sure just because people don't believe it, that does not mean it isn't going to happen.

There are so many things in the Bible that have happened & are still going to happen., that actually prove the Bible is true.

I know this letter isn't going to change your mind about many things you write, but I just felt I had to write it, I am not condemning you, it is not my place to do that, or to judge you.

I do believe that there is a time we all will be judged, & pray you might realize that too.

Joyce

CHRISTOPHER’S SOCKS

I am especially pleased with the socks.  I think they are the best I've ever knitted.  The finish to the heel turn is improved by due to a mathematical error I made which has turned out to be an improvement.  I have also improved on the one by one ribbed gusset by design.

I knitted them using Indigo Crush by Knitman's Kitchen, 80% super wash merino, 20% bamboo, 400 metres to 100 g.  I used Addi Lace circular needles 2 MM size.

These are going to a dog show friend, who asked me for a pair.  We are the same size and he tried these on at the show so they are now his.  Hence the name of this pair of socks.

For a larger view, left click on picture.

COMPREHENSION?

Vicki Designs (Schnorkiemom) said...

Isn't this putting an entire group of people in one box? I'm Christian but, can assure you I'm not sexually attracted to my own sex. If you are comfortable in your own skin, why must you attack others and constantly be on the defensive. What did Sarah Palin ever do to you? I used to follow your blog quite religiously and enjoyed your posts and was saddened by your illness and the hardships it presents. Lately, it's just a platform to flame and I'm sorry to say I can't take the negativity. I know this won't be posted, but I just thought you should know how I feel and I know I am not alone.

3:42 PM, June 17, 2010

It would help if people understood what they have read before they vent their spite. Though I must say Vicki’s comment is mild compared to some of the hate mail I get.

Now, Vicki, Ms Palin, and others who create an atmosphere of hate toward gays are simple responsible for every hate crime towards us, even if they do not weild a physical weapon.

IF as Xtians, and Ms Palin, reckon we CHOOSE our sexuality, then we are ALL bisexual. Too difficult for Ms Vicki to grasp.

If as Vicki says she was an avid reader of this blog, then 1. she would know I don’t care about plonkers 2. she’d understand my point 3. she’d know her little fit, compared to the real life abuse I experience is nothing but a blip! 4. Why do Xtian such as she not see the hate behind their self-righteousness? It is really sad that fear stops these people from being their real loving selves.

Oh, and if you had read and understood, you’d know I would publish your comment. I publish ALL of them except those that are foul languaged and those that describe how they would like to see me die. Those are pointless.

Vicki, if you were not so self centred you might have a chance of understanding another human being instead of prejudging according to your belief system as your comment shows you have. It is clear it prevented you understanding what I wrote. I’d like to add that you failure to understand the harm people like Palin and others of her thinking do to me and others is typical of a person whose mind is enslaved to an idea.

Spank me!

Christians Are Bisexual (and the rest of us)

Are you shocked by this?  I am.

It would seem that they are equally attracted to both sexes, sexually and emotionally.  They choose to suppress their emotional and sexual attraction to members of their own sex.  This must cause an enormous amount of stress.  At the very least they must spend an awful lot of time on their knees.

I wonder when they made the decision to only act on their sexual and emotional attraction to the opposite sex.  How old were they when they made this decision?  Does this mean that before they were Christians have they were having sexual and emotional relationships with both sexes?

The logical conclusion to be drawn from their insistence that we have a choice is that we are all naturally bisexual and have an equal sexual and emotional attraction to both the same and the opposite sex.

This means that I'm definitely not normal.  I have never been sexually or emotionally attracted to the opposite sex.  Phew!  That was one less decision I had to make.

I would dearly love to ask Sarah Palin two questions.  One: when did she decide to suppress her lesbianism and two: how does she sustain it?

Ann Coulter and the Jews

I saw an interview on YouTube with Ann Coulter. She was being interviewed by A Jewish reporter. When she was asked about how the perfect America would be she said amongst other things that it would be Christian. The reporter took exception to this and asked if she would prefer there were no Jews and was surprised and offended by her at affirmative response. She added that she wished and used to be perfected, in other words to become Christian. I understand but Jewish reporter's being offended but has he really believed this long without realizing that this is one of the basic tenets of Christian belief. By its nature it is anti-semitic. It is anti anything that is not Christian. Jehovah's Witnesses however believe that all Jews go to Heaven no matter what because they are God's chosen people.

As for the woman herself, I saw many interviews with her tonight and I cannot escape the conclusion that she quite simply is off her trolley and I cannot understand why she is given so much free publicity for her mostly obnoxious views. Despite her protestations she clearly has no respect for her fellows and thinks herself intellectually and morally superior. I could of course be totally off the mark but after several hours of listening to various clips of that is what I hear.

GOOD RESULT

I had a fantastic when this morning.  I swam a mile for the first time in over a year.  I took just paracetamol and morphine.  Normally I'd take paracetamol and tramadol, and then 2 hours later just before my swim I would add morphine.  However, a nurse acquaintance who had a smashed hip told me that the tramadol counteracts the morphine.  It seems that she is correct because the morphine works much better with just paracetamol.  I am very pleased with this result.

The puppies are five weeks old tomorrow.  I shall be keeping the girl and also the gold and white boy.  Mary -Grace and Chase.  Mary Grace's a howler just like her father and her half sister Whitney.  They like to speak to you and throw back their heads and howl when they are excited.

John goes back to work tomorrow and his arm is much better.  However the stress of the attack has brought on another chest infection so he is taking his antibiotics.  I am very pleased that he took these days off work and rested.

My next show is not until Blackpool on the 25th of this month.  I am going to have a quiet year with regard to dog shows.  I will still be going quite a few, just not as many as last year.

The weather here is crap.  Dull and cool.  I do hope this summer is not going to be like the last two summers which were dull and cold.

I will probably do so more dyeing today or maybe I shall just sit and knit.  I may even just read as I have some reading to catch up with.

I dictated this post using the Windows 7 speech recognition software.

CONQUERING FEAR

Most people do not believe that I am shy. After all look at the way I dress for dog shows. And when I go and give a talk and demonstration sometimes in front of 100 or so people.

Quite simply it's true. The fear I often feel before any of these events is quite nauseating. Sometimes it is even an effort for me to leave my house. I often have to force myself to leave for the dog shows in the morning of the day of one. Once I have, I am okay.

I think I am what I would describe as an introverted extrovert! Don't get me wrong I am not saying that I am afraid all the time. I enjoy other people's company I just can't deal with it for too long. I also enjoy the lovely comments that some people make. It amazes me that any one would take the time to go up to somebody they do not know and pay them a compliment.

This is all so very different to past experience. I know when I first started showing four years ago I was terrified. For me it was like going back into the lion's den. No one has yelled abuse at me, kicked me, punched me, or spat on me.

I think the conquering of fear is a major work for all of us. A certain amount of fear is necessary to keep us out of danger. Yet fear can keep us from living, keeper some loving, and can prevent us having wonderful experiences.

Fear is pretty much at the root of all of the world's ills. Fear of not having enough. Fear of death. Fear of humiliation. Fear that we are not good enough.

Fear of not being good enough is constantly reinforced by religion and the media. Right from birth most of us learn that we are not good enough. People who fear that they are not good enough have their capacity to love themselves and others severely diminished. And there lies our problem. If the very young I loved and accepted as they are they grow up into adults to love and accept themselves and as a result love and except other people. This means that they can empathise with others. Without empathy it is not possible to treat others well and it becomes very easy to demonise others and either to stand by when evil is perpetrated upon others, like in the Holocaust, or even to commit evil acts ourselves.

In this country we have a high rate of teen age pregnancy, drug addiction, alcohol abuse, and general delinquency. We also have a high rate of child incarceration. We have a reputation in Europe for not loving our children.

If we do not love and respect children we cannot hope to produce adults who love and respect others. Worse we produce adults who do not love and respect themselves. And hence the cycle is not broken.

THIS N THAT

Once again I am using voice recognition software to dictate this blog post. I am using the inbuilt one until Dragon Naturally Speaking arrives.

I have not gone swimming today but not because swimming on Monday and Tuesday knackered me. I spent far too long on my feet last evening dyeing yarn. I got rather carried away and after I had dyed my orders I carried on and dyed some more for my shop. I did enjoy myself so I can't complain.

The puppies are doing very well and they eat every time I give them bowls of food. It is too soon to tell yet if I have anything I will want to show. I have my eye on two of them.

I have been watching the seventh series of Shameless. Even though I have now watched so many episodes I still find it capable of shocking me. It is very well acted. Having lived on a council estate for many years I believe these people to be true to life. I am glad I don't live like that anymore.

I do wish there were more hours in the day or maybe I just wish I could keep going longer. LOL!

We have still to decide if we will have a holiday this year or not. If we breed Carly or Edna or both of them we probably will not go anywhere. We have a long weekend booked and paid for at the end of November and her friend has agreed to look after any puppies we may have but they would still have to not be that young at that time.

VOICE

I am typing this using voice recognition software.

The puppies are doing very well. Bay it will be four weeks old tomorrow. They are now eating solid food, or porridge made of Kibble.

My swim went very well. My doctor's advice to take the morphine before my swim really works well. I have no fatigue more pain. I also stopped swimming as soon as I felt strain instead of forcing myself to continue.

I have almost finished another pair of socks using a revised Andersson Construction Method. I have also used an improved version of my one by one gusset. I have used my own Knitman's Kitchen yarn in 80% super wash Merino and 20 per cent bamboo.

I still have plenty of Hankin to do and then we'll die five Hanks I have to order.

HOLEY HIT

I knitted these on 2mm ADDI Lace circulars, using the Andersson Construction Method and Andersson Heel Mach II. The yarn is Knitman'sKitchen 50% merino 50% Tencel, used two fold. (it's 850m/100g).

Posted by Knitman

SOUTHERN COUNTIES 2010

BATH 2010

SHOW SEASON

The dog shows come frequently now. This is the busiest time of year for shows. I will not be doing as many as last year as there are judges I have already been under with Whitney and judges I didn't enter under.

My physical problems have got worse. I knew they had telling myself this was just a flare. Flares don't last this long. Now I get pain when swimming whereas before swimming was the one thing I could do pain free. It won't stop me swimming but it does mean I can only manage 3 times a week and I will have to drug up more. The pain cause worse fatigue hence the not managing my mile a day any more. Oh, pig's bum!

I have been machine knitting (no Sarah I have not forgotten). I have also developed my toe up sock pattern some more and I am very pleased with it.

The puppies are doing very well. Today I shall offer them some milk/Royal Canin gruel. I want them on solids asap.

I use my laptop for blogging and emails now. I use the iMac for everything else, mainly photography. I love the machine. Far superior to a PC. It si completely silent. No hang ups, no having to restart. I wish I had got one years ago. I had thought to replace my laptop with an iMac laptop but cannot justify the expense for just email and blogging.

Funny

COINCIDENCE?

A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU

HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE
(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, PhD, January 1977)

1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?

4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?

5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?

10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?

12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?

16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?

17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?

19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?

21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?

22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?

THANKS FOR THIS, TONI!

NOT ALLOWED

Despite all that I have written here, no matter how I try and use words to convey my experience, I know that understanding the agony I have lived through is just not possible for anyone un less they too have not just lived it but healed through it. It is only through that healing through does the full force of the pain get experienced.

It then goes away, mostly. All one is left with are idiosyncrasies, a wariness, and physical reactions and sometimes emotional ones that one cannot control. However, one is free of the all encompassing pain that strangles life and leaves one in a dark place such that it feels impossible to ever escape from. I don’t believe in Hell, I know it it exists. I lived there for most of my life. I would die before I went back to that state. I’d rather not have a life than have that.

As a result, I am so grateful for the life I have now. really. This is far far far better than I ever dreamed it would be. I could not have dreamed of this as I didn’t know this could be so it wasn’t within my dreaming.

Soooo…

I don’t express how I feel about my physical problems. Let me say first off that this is far easier to deal with than the emotional agony. By far. BUT it would not be true to say I don’t sometimes feel angry about it. How could I have gone through all that, worked so hard to recover only to land up with a knackered and pain filled body? It pisses me off big time.

Not only do I feel it is self pitying to share it but to let the thoughts come to the fore would mean that I am allowing myself to think beyond now. I can’t afford to do that. The prognosis is pretty crap. How crap I don’t know. It is likely that the drugs alone will shorten my life by a lot.

Knowing that current research shows that my heart disease, bone disease, muscle disease and neurological problems are all the likely result of years of stress and abuse doesn't make me feel better disposed to my lot!

I also feel a duty to be positive and show others how one can win, how one doesn't have to live life as a victim of those wicked abusers. One CAN come to live really well and be free of them. That abuse does not mean the end nor does it mean that we, the abused, were deserving of it, worthy of being abused.

So I keep quiet about my body and the pain  it is. It seems weak and ungrateful. I so wanted recovery and I got it. I guess I forgot to ask that my body be okay too.

 

HAVING A LAUGH

Tony and Yvonne  were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though  they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched  their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to  Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for  the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another  holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter  escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion,  furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a  waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging  their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment  when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why,  nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf  course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free,  every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with  every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks  to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is  all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the  decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and  drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get  fat or sick.   
This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes.   We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

---

MAKE IT DIRTY

I have often thought that having no sexual feeling at all would be a blessing. Sex has always been a huge issue for me.

It was made a huge issue by parents who believed it wrong and dirty, nuns and priests who taught the same, and of course the sexual abuse I experienced didn’t help.

In Religious Education I was taught that good truly good people didn’t have sex. They were celibate. That is what God preferred. Falling short of that, then one could only have sex with a person one was married to, of the opposite sex of course, and then only in order to have children NOT to be enjoyed or had just for fun.

Masturbation was of course a mortal sin and in the case of men was akin to murder. Women didn’t masturbate of course. And they only menstruated if they had unclean thoughts because pure women did not menstruate. I kid you not.

So even before I reached puberty and experienced my own sexual feelings, I felt a heavy burden of guilt. I knew I was dirty and bad because of the sexual abuse I was experiencing and given my teaching about sex, I felt responsible. I did not feel I had no choice in the abuse. I felt I was the guilty party, I was the one who was indulging in wickedness. The one time I tried to tell, that is exactly the response I was given. Punishment and disgust. I didn’t tell again until I was much older, an adult, and I made the mistake of telling the local vicar and his wife who reacted the same way. They prayed for me to be forgiven.

I once in the depths of despair came very close to cutting my penis off. In that disturbed mental state I was in, I thought that this would accomplish two things: punishment and removal of sexual desire. I don’t know what stopped me, but I am glad I didn’t follow through.

The issue is sex. Not gay sex. Not straight sex. SEX. Had I been heterosexual, I’d have just the same issues. In fact worse, because children might well be in the picture and there is no way I could healthily parent children.

I feel positive about feelings of passion and love. Like those I have for John. I have never felt aht was wrong. It’s me. That’s the trouble with these idiots who think we CHOOSE sexuality. How daft can you can you get. Even dafter is the idea that it is about only sex. Dishonestly, people often give as their excuse for hating us that their religion prohibits us. That is not true. If they did not have this bigotry IN them, they would not accept their religious teaching on this. They seem to have no trouble in rejecting dress codes, food codes and the idea that women are subservient to men. To blame one’s bigotry upon a religious idea is disingenuous. There is no logic at all to thinking something wrong with homosexuality.

The trouble we have in society around sex is precisely because of the way we have debased it. Not through our sexual behaviour but through our teaching of sex as something wrong. When in fact it is a normal human impulse and not just for perpetuating human kind but also as a means of fulfilling deep spiritual and emotional needs.

There is no conclusion here. I am not about to write how I recovered from all this. I still would prefer to have no sexual desires at all. I still find it impossible to view sex, male female, male male, female female as okay. Intellectually I understand this is illogical and that sex IS okay. Some damage just takes a long time to be undone or just can’t be.

MORE EDINBURGH

The dress is sideways knitted using Partial Knitting (short rows) for shaping. I thought it was excellent, hence the photograph.