NOT ALLOWED

Despite all that I have written here, no matter how I try and use words to convey my experience, I know that understanding the agony I have lived through is just not possible for anyone un less they too have not just lived it but healed through it. It is only through that healing through does the full force of the pain get experienced.

It then goes away, mostly. All one is left with are idiosyncrasies, a wariness, and physical reactions and sometimes emotional ones that one cannot control. However, one is free of the all encompassing pain that strangles life and leaves one in a dark place such that it feels impossible to ever escape from. I don’t believe in Hell, I know it it exists. I lived there for most of my life. I would die before I went back to that state. I’d rather not have a life than have that.

As a result, I am so grateful for the life I have now. really. This is far far far better than I ever dreamed it would be. I could not have dreamed of this as I didn’t know this could be so it wasn’t within my dreaming.

Soooo…

I don’t express how I feel about my physical problems. Let me say first off that this is far easier to deal with than the emotional agony. By far. BUT it would not be true to say I don’t sometimes feel angry about it. How could I have gone through all that, worked so hard to recover only to land up with a knackered and pain filled body? It pisses me off big time.

Not only do I feel it is self pitying to share it but to let the thoughts come to the fore would mean that I am allowing myself to think beyond now. I can’t afford to do that. The prognosis is pretty crap. How crap I don’t know. It is likely that the drugs alone will shorten my life by a lot.

Knowing that current research shows that my heart disease, bone disease, muscle disease and neurological problems are all the likely result of years of stress and abuse doesn't make me feel better disposed to my lot!

I also feel a duty to be positive and show others how one can win, how one doesn't have to live life as a victim of those wicked abusers. One CAN come to live really well and be free of them. That abuse does not mean the end nor does it mean that we, the abused, were deserving of it, worthy of being abused.

So I keep quiet about my body and the pain  it is. It seems weak and ungrateful. I so wanted recovery and I got it. I guess I forgot to ask that my body be okay too.