Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Very good things are happening right now. 

We have become completely debt free. We have no mortgage now either. The house is being remodelled so as to accommodate me more easily and also give us more room.

Even my dog breeding and showing are going very well.

Neither of us have our health. I think I have accepted mine more easily than Joh  has his, but he too has come to terms with his COPD.

So why do I feel so lucky?

For starters, the life I have. Growing up I didn't know happiness was possible. I only every wanted numbness. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get away from my family and stay away. i wanted a man to share my life with.

I got far more than that. Yes, I git the man and I could not have done better than my John. I also came to understand love and joy and peace. I experience these. I also came to love myself and accept myself. The fear stopped. I came to realise that it was never me. It was always them. I was not abused because of who I am. They abused me because of who they are.

Today there are drugs available that make living with my very painful disease much easier. At least three of the drugs I take were not available 10 years ago, let alone twenty. They became available just as my disease progressed to needing more help. John too has drugs that were not available 10 years ago. Both of us can live well into old age-80's 90's with our respective diseases.

John is lucky. He has a passion for his career and is continuing to work until 70. After that he will still write and probably lecture.

I am lucky because:

I love music and I listen daily. I can listen when I am too fatigued or sore to do anything else.

I have a passion for fibre. Knitting with it and dyeing it. I can do these things sitting down and when I am unable to do anything else. So i always have something to do and I am very rarely bored.

I have loved my breed, Lhasa Apso, since I was 12. They are small enough that I can still take care of their needs despite now being disabled.

I have really good friends. People who know me well and understand how I am. Not only am I challenging because of my disabilities, I get tried easily and cannot spend hours with friends, I am also challenging because I am an abuse survivor and as such I have and always will have quirks that  people just have to accept. There are days, not frequent now, when I am back 'there' and it is noticeable. John  and my close friends know this and they see it happening and they take it in their stride.

I am alive and I am having a really good life. I am grateful for it. Not because i don't deserve it. No. Because not everyone is as lucky as I am. I am even able to keep a positive outlook most of the time. I have overcome much and yes i did put a lot into the recovery process and it was extremely painful but I carried on forwards. Others were not so fortunate. I don't know why I have been. I am grateful.

There was a time I was grateful for somewhere to sleep, for a few pounds to get me thru the day, for a crumb of kindness. I haven't forgotten and I never shall.

I used to feel bad for not having a family. Now I am grateful for the family I have chosen and who have chosen me.


Iris said...

You have come so far. The most important thing, in my opinion, is someone with whom to be close. The rest is frosting or, in some cases, much worse. I like my family, but we do not see eye to eye on most things and I don't live up to their expectations, both in a filial or "moral" way. I'm the odd (wo)man out so, naturally, it is my problem. I don't think so. I was just lucky or smart enough to break away from a destructive way of life. John's book should arrive today. I am excited.

Marilyn a.k.a. Merry said...

Wow! This is the first time reading your blog, which I came to looking for your mach II heel. I haven't found the heel directions yet (haven't looked really) but am already inspired by your wonderful outlook on life. It's all about being grateful and you seem to have that down pat. Life is good and I think mine will be richer for having found you and your blog. Now to keep reading.....

Anonymous said...

I came from queer Joe's knitting looking for a heel and found this inspiring post. Funny how life is and how the things we really need appear if we allow there presence. I needed the experience of your gratitude!!! I shall be a regular - Thanks, American nurse with similar problems.