Friday, October 07, 2011


I have to say that I do not feel in the best of moods recently. I do not know why. I am sleeping well. I am not having bad dreams. I am having difficulty getting up in the morning. And it is this latter that 1st indicated to me that some isn't right because I always want to get up because I always have so many exciting things to do.

One thing I have realised recently is how my disability leaves me feeling vulnerable. I have never been physically confident. Now I feel even less so. Although I have fairly negative feelings toward visiting America-mainly because of the strong homophobic religious atmosphere-I realised yesterday that being unable to walk properly and needing to use the wheelchair is what tips me over the edge to not wanting to go at all. I am not one to harbour ridiculous fears and prejudices and I have tried not to feel the way I feel about the USA but every time I convinced myself that we are just talking about a small number of religious loonies the news and the Internet tell me this is not so. Some very extreme people with vile ideologies have already been elected into power, 2 of them as governors of states!

Anyway, I have got off the point. I'm trying to figure out why I feel low. I have had a lot of pain since our holiday so for about the last 6 weeks or so. I also look back over the last year and it is obvious that like the previous years I have physically become worse. Swimming is no longer easily. Whereas I always found the first few minutes hard to do, and now I generally find the whole swim painful. Most especially my neck both arms and chest.

I don't like writing about this. It does not suit the image I like that of the happy-go-lucky man who ignores the challenges! How silly is that? This stems from the fact that men are supposed to be stoic and not complain and also from the fact that I get really annoyed with people who do nothing but complain! My closest friend and I have very similar diseases and we do share with each other about it but both of us have full lives and get on with it despite it all.

May be it is normal for me to not be able to feel positive and strong all the time with regard to my disease. I met somebody recently who has the same disease and I was horrified to see what it had done to them in such a short time. I felt really bad because all I wanted to do was get away. I did not and I spoke and gave them a loving touch as we parted. I had to fight myself though to not recoil. I am not daft I know exactly why I reacted like that. The truth is I may never get like that. That is not always an easy fear to conquer though.

It is hard to know why I feel so sluggish. I feel bloated and heavy. I seem to lack energy.

Something has just popped into my mind. As I may have mentioned previously, we have upgraded our audio system and television with audiophile quality equipment. The look on John's face when he 1st heard his opera music through the new system was what I hoped to see. I too am astounded at the sound quality of both CDs and vinyl and also the quality of the television picture, especially when watching DVD and Blu-ray. We also exchange the speakers to high quality as well.

We have done this because John is soon to retire and we would not be able to do this once he has. he told me to think about what we want or need and to buy now. So the wheelchair was upgraded to the best. I bought two electric armchairs. Then after thinking about what we would both like I went ahead and bought the hi-fi equipment.

I realise that I feel guilty. This was just a niggly little feeling when I spent £100 on a shirt but it has now grown to a fully fledged guilt. I know that John has similar problems about spending money. I do not think we feel exactly the same way about it and certainly not for the same reasons.

When I was growing up, I was taught to be grateful to anything that I was given because I didn't really deserve it and they were only giving it to me because they were good. This feeling has stayed with me.

Every morning recently I have sat in my armchair and I've looked at my Macbook Pro which is the 1st thing I switch on when I wake up and then in front of me the Arcam hi-fi sits there taunting me and basically saying “what were you thinking?" You could have spent that money on the starving in Africa all you should have saved it for a rainy day.

During the learning process and buying process I of course was enjoying myself. I happily spent several days, not all at once, studying and auditioning various bits of equipment. Then after I have made my decision and it was all set up in the house I set about enjoying it. Then this feeling of guilt started to come over me and I now realise that I do have difficulty in enjoying what I have. Whereas I know that I am very fortunate in that we could afford this I now just feel bad and almost ashamed to even talk about it!

I think our world makes it difficult to have when others have not.


Unknown said...

Those of us who were raised that we were not "good enough" tend to keep that feeling - either on the surface as a pity me thing or buried within. It stays hidden but then comes to surface at times. It seems in your case that the purchases you have made are making it show its ugly head.

As for coming to the US - it is your decision completely. If you don't feel comfortable coming here and visiting with our fanatics and crazies and Tea Party members, then don't. You do what you want to do and enjoy your choices.

'Nuff said.

Unknown said...

Gail-I really appreciate you kind and thoughtful comment. xo

joannamauselina said...

I agree with Gail. It is hard to get over feelings of unworthiness, and when we do get over them, we cannot expect to feel the same always. Usually, I feel like I am a good person contributing to society in my little way, but other days (the minority, I am glad to say,) I feel like an utter worthless leech and a total phoney. And it is harder to feel good about oneself when one is feeling bad physically.

Georgina said...

I concur with what you have said and with the replies - I hope you can shake off the guilt towards your new purchases and enjoy them fully. Music should be a salve not a knife, and you do truly deserve the good life - just corrected a typo that said goof life, and that sounds quite fun too!
Thank you for your encouraging words on my quilt!

Anonymous said...

You should not feel guilty over your purchases. You have both worked for them and deserve them.

Come to the states and enjoy yourselves. The ones who make the most noise are the ones who make the news...............not the majority of us. Most of us are very welcoming to visiters. There are more good people than fanatics anywhere you go.