Sunday, June 12, 2011


I had a good day at the show yesterday. I met and chatted with people I like. We had a terrific thunderstorm just as the judge was placing us in Junior Bitch, which Mary-Grace won.(I was very pleased, as at 3 ch shows running show was was 2nd!).
My friend Gavin Roach very kindly took all of my stuff inside for me.What impressed me the most was his realising that there was no way I was going to be able to do it, and certainly not before I was soaked through. I did not have to ask for help. He just gave it.
The people I have previously written here about, those I had been friends with for 30 years, were there. 'Hello' was all they managed. Not that I wanted any more. I had difficulty controlling myself. My hands were shaking with anger. I called upon my resources and meditated and got into the zone with my knitting. I was NOT going to let rip! They are not worth it and I will be the one who comes off looking the guilty, not to mention nuts, party. I am still totally shocked at their disgusting behaviour. The fact I was so wrong about them, well her mainly, still shocks me.
I know I keep writing shock but I cannot think of another word. I would never have thought she was such a nasty piece of work. Never. I was fooled thoroughly. I let myself be used for far too long by someone who was an expert manipulator. Far from being the kind mentor I had thought, she used everything she learned about me to keep me in line and to her advantage. Pc's sewing machines, animals, money. Yes I gave them all.
I am relieved though that this is over. For years I had this awful argument going on inside me: one telling me the true nature of our friendship and the other side castigating me for being so wicked as to think such a thing about kind people. The argument was just exactly the same as the inner turmoil the childhood abuse caused me. John wanted me to ditch them years ago because he saw them for what they were but I argued against him. How wrong I was. John loves me and he saw what was happening. I ought to have trusted him instead of them.
Now they have shown their true colours and I am free of them. My emotions about them will sort themselves out and it will no longer be an issue. For now it is but in a way I have not felt before. In the past, the me who felt everything was my fault, would have been all over them wanting their approval. Instead I am livid with them Absolutely lived.
This too shall pass.
I learned yesterday too about my meeds and food. I have to force myself to eat. The trouble is, the combo of the stress of the show (good stress), the getting up really early, my meeds, and just being in a fun place, decreases my appetite. The drugs do too. I was fine until the several hours after my last dose of drugs and I was home: I got hyper. I now realise this was a combination of the days emotions, the lack of food and my meds. The lack of food mainly. I am going to have to try and make myself eat. It is not easy to do that when one is grateful to not feel hungry! Yet I really don't like being high either. Reminds me of a manic episode. Especially when the really hyper was not until 5-6 hrs after my last dose of pain killers.
The photographs were taken by Gavin Roach, fellow Lhasa Apso breeder. he and his wife Mary are very nice people. It was Gavin who made sure my stuff and I were safely ensconced indoors out of the storm.


joannamauselina said...

Great pictures! Lovely dog! And you look very handsome.

I know how hard it is to just let go of some of the feelings you describe. I have had them too, and vow that when I see the person, I will be calm. remind myself that this is not worthy of agitation, and then wham! Rage sets in. Eventually, it will pass, but it can take a while.

janalee said...

You look fancy! And rightly so. Congratulations on Mary Grace. She is a beautiful girl and deserved that award.
I'm always glad to read your posts. Thanks for continuing, despite the difficulties involved.