NOT SO HOT

I feel like crap. Don’t know why really. I feel tearful.

My swim this morning was hard going. Usually, the pain eases after the first few laps but not today, it got worse. I still completed my laps but it was difficult.

I didn’t get done what I wanted to get done today. I did my postage. Didn’t bath a dog, had a nap and felt no better for it. I do get pissed off not being able to do.

And I sold a hank today (one of 10!) that i cannot find. I have looked high and low for it. I have taken the living room apart. I have looked at the dogs beds. I have looked every where I can think to look and knackered myself in the process and hurt so much I know I won’t be swimming tomorrow! I am sure I have not sold it already. I cannot find an invoice for it. It is called Anima Rising just in case one of my readers bought it but really, I would have remembered? I felt really bad for the buyer, immediately refunded them apologized, and although I know they got my email, I guess they are not pleased. A bit like someone else who wanted two of my hanks but then didn’t respond to me for two days, during which time they sold. They have not spoken to me since. really, some people! i feel bad about this lost hank though.

I am not pleased with the way Sunday’s talk and demonstration went. The chairperson really bothered me. He said he really enjoyed what i had to say but then went on to pontificate about his view which was clearly in contradiction to mine so why he said he what he did I have no idea. He clearly didn’t understand what I said.

I get really mad at people who think that what i suffered as a child was meant to be! That it was all part of some bigger plan, God’s will. really? God wants people to rape children? Bully them? terrify them? Why? To make us better people? F*ck off! Pillock! I am LUCKY I survived. I know who many didn’t , don’t and won’t. Do these wankers really think that child abusers are doing God’s Will? Where have these idiots got their hearts let alone their brain. Oh and why oh why do they say this crap whilst also letting one know just how highly spiritual they are and that failure to understand their point of view is because we are not enlightened enough!

I really feel as if I am bashing my head against a brick wall. I spent a good deal of time talking, I always have the same message to give in my talks, and it clearly did not affect this man’s thinking at all and just moved him to insult my spirit and my intelligence and my life.

I wonder if I am right to think that these people think this way because it is the only way they can handle the idea of child abuse? Or because they are abusers so blame the victim? Or they are just ignorant full stop and have no idea what twaddle they are talking?

It’s like these these religious homophobes who refuse to see the harm they do, the suffering they cause, the wretched lives their victims lead. That 10 year old boy who hung himself rather than live another day being ‘gay bashed’ at school suffered because of the hatred of these religious bigots. Oh, they will deny it of course. They don’t hate, they love. Bollocks! if it were not for them and their wicked ideas, young gay people wouldn’t suffer through their formative years believing they are vile and defective and evil. These people have NO IDEA at all the agony they are responsible for.'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do’. Actually, far worse than that, they don’t want TO know! And they daren’t even look at it lest they lose their place in Heaven. F’ing self centred fearful prats that they are. They constantly attack and vilify us day in and day out 24/7 and they have the cheek to say THEY are the persecuted ones? Oh Brother!

I cannot abide hypocrisy and deceit and lies and pompous twats. The laziness of people. The preference for thinking the easy way. For following like sheep. You know Hitler is hated so much? Because by hating him, one man, we don’t have to look and see that it was people like you and I, our neighbours, our friends and community that sent the Jews, the handicapped, the homosexuals, the gypsies to their death camps.

Stupid to think we don’t each have personal responsibility. We don’t think things through. For example, those of us that support the war in Afghanistan and Iraq or anywhere for that matter, also find it acceptable that civilian adults and children are killed in the process. One MUST find this acceptable or one wouldn’t support the war. No judgement here, just pointing out that one cannot have a war without those children dyeing, being blown apart, wounded, suffering so when we support an action, we are saying implicitly, even if we don’t see it, that it is okay for that to happen. If we truly did not think it was okay to bomb and shoot children, we wouldn’t support nay action because there is no war without such deaths. We really are in a sorry mess.