Saturday, July 19, 2008


This roughly what I speak of when I am invited to speak and demonstrate. It shows clearly that I have very real evidence to back up my current beliefs and that those who would have me think otherwise have none. Of course it isn't evidence to you-you were not there and you have to have such experience yourself. It is readily available to those who wish to explore and not just believe what they are told to believe or are frightened into believing.

The man you see before you tonight is not the man I was before I came to understand that we do indeed survive physical death and that each and everyone of us is loved as we are now, not for what we may have been or what we may become.

The man I was before lived most of his life in fear. I had been taught of a God of fear and damnation, a God who detested me. Compounded by parents who did not love and protect me, a father who despised me, brothers who reviled me, and peers who sneered at me and spat upon me. The man I was before would still be in a locked ward had it not been for the love of strangers that carried me through the darkness and into the light.

The man I am today is still the man reviled and abandoned by those who may have been different, who so reviled me they did not tell me of my mother's death.

Yet I am not the man I was before I learned of my mother's death. My knowledge of the death of my mother was the turning point of my life. Oh there had been other turning points, some deeply meaningful events , without which I would not be here speaking with you tonight. However, what I learned after the death of my mother was truly the point which brought all the others into focus.

I had already been brought to an understanding , through the gifts of the Spirit, that I had been taught lies. I had been guided to learn that there were other ways to think.

The day I first realised that death was not the end was a day of terror for me. It was not what I wanted. I had wanted oblivion, and end to my existence. An end to my suffering. I no longer wanted life.

As you can see, that was not to be.

I had felt myself drawn toward a group of people who were congregated in what seemed like a lit up fog. As I got closer, one figure became clear to me. One of my aunts. I knew her to have died. She embraced me and said to me that I must return, it was not my time, I could not stay.

I awoke, furious and terrified. I had been unconscious, I was in hospital, on a drip and with breathing apparatus attached to my face. I pulled off the mask and pulled the drip out from my hand. It hurt and blood gushed everywhere. A nurse came over quickly to attend to me and told I was very lucky. I told her to f*ck off. I was far from lucky. I had wanted to be dead.I did not want this life. what is more, I did not deserve it. I was evil. I was the lowest of the low. I deserved to not exist.

Later I came across a woman who told me I was not crazy, but that I had a gift, a gift of spirit, and I would one day use this gift to spread a message of love and hope to people just like me.

WHAT?!! Clearly this woman was nuts. Clean off her trolley.

Yet here I stand tonight, speaking with you and about to show you how this gift of the Spirit works. Perhaps she wasn't off her trolley after all.

Yet here I stand tonight, speaking with you and about to show you how this gift of the Spirit works. Perhaps she wasn't off her trolley after all.

Now, to the death of my mother. I awoke in the early hours of one morning, feeling afraid and unsettled. I found myself on my PC. To cut a long story short, this is how I came to find out that my mother had passed over 18 mths previously. I also came to understand just how much my other family members reviled me. This was the beginning of my real healing.

That night, I came to a place just like this, as I am wont to do. The speaker that night came to me first. I had already started to tremble. I knew what was coming. She told me that my mother was there with us, she named her country of origin and how she passed. I let go of long stored pain and cried until I was exhausted.

I had this experience several more times and I got on with my life, changed, because now I really knew. Or I thought I did. It wasn't over yet. (and I doubt it ever will be!)

Last October, at Driffield dog show, I began to feel bad. I had a burning in my gut. My friend to whom i mentioned it told me it was 'nerves'. I didn't think so. It wasn't. This burning developed and became fear. And that became terror. This took place over a couple of weeks.

I felt like a child. I was feeling the feelings I ought to have felt all those years ago but had disassociated from. My terror grew. I was convinced I was being eaten from the inside out. I knew I was dying.

I came to these meetings as often as I could, as often as 5 times a week and each time I came I was spoken to. Each time I was told how much I was loved. Each time I was told I was safe. Each time I was told the truth of my life which a stranger could not know unless they were being given it by the Spirit. My mother revealed herself time and time again with the truth of how she had been and promising me love and acceptance now. Not just she, but others who had gone before me, friends, relatives, they all gave me the same message of love and hope and acceptance.

Then one day, a Tuesday, I was alone and at the end of my endurance. I could feel this monster within me and it was going to burst out and swallow me up. I was just hanging onto my sanity. I cried out in utter anguish: IF YOU ARE THERE AND YOU LOVE ME THEN F**KING WELL SHOW ME. NOW!!!!!

Calm came over me and I fell to the floor. There I lay, still , and feeling nothing until I felt welling up in me a pain so enormous I feared it would shatter me into a million pieces. I grabbed the phone and soon on the line was my friend. She didn't ask questions. She spoke to me as if I were a child whilst I let my grief go in painful guttural noises and screams and retchings. I knew in that moment both that grief can kill and that it would not kill me. I would survive this. I cried for days.

The message had finally been delivered. I finally understood. I was loved and I was loveable. I was safe. I knew that I suffered the way I did not because of who I was but because of who they were! The people who caused my suffering did so because they had something wrong with them, not because I was bad.

So I am here to tell you that you are loved in a way beyond your imagination. Those who treat you badly do so because of a flaw in them, not in you. Those who teach you lies, teach you that you are evil, teach that God is to be feared, do so because they are flawed not because they are right.

I am not here to tell you what to believe or what God is.. These are questions you must think on for yourself. I am here to tell you that we are each loved, you and I, now and forever, without exception. That we each survive physical death.

I have nothing to prove to you. In fact I can't. We come to the part of the evening, where given that Spirit are with me, I can give you messages of love and support from those you know who have passed before us. What you make of it is up to you. It is not my wont nor my job to tell you what you must believe. That responsibility is yours.


Ali the Artist said...

Colin, you say:
"I am here to tell you that we are each loved, you and I, now and forever, without exception."
Does this also include "Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot etc put together", who you've already said are evil (and whose evil you say God surpasses)? Where's the justice in that?

CP Warner said...

Colin, back when I was trying to walk the fundy path, the question Ali posed came up in a bible study discussion. It was sobering to think that Hitler and his ilk could be forgiven and earn a place in heaven if they saw Jesus in the 11th hour and said a simple "I'm sorry," and meant it sincerely. That's what the parable of the workers in the vineyard is all about. No matter when you arrive, you get the same wage as the workers who have been in it for the long haul.

I don't know what I think of all that anymore. I'm certainly not inclined to be a fundy any longer! I had small children at home and was trying to fit into the local community. I never felt completely at ease there, and didn't agree with a lot of what was said. For instance, I was never able to swallow the concept of the bible being the literal word of God. I mean, just take one basic thing, from one of the early books of the law. As a friend of mine once put it, crassly but excitedly, "God even told the Israelites where to sh*t!" And she read me a passage where God, through Moses, tells the people to go dig holes outside of their living areas, crap into them, and bury it. Does this mean, if the bible is to be taken literally, that we should all dig holes in our back yards to crap into? I think there are modern laws against such things. how evil! We are not following the literal word of God and will surely roast for it.

Oh, puh-LEEZE! If God is that petty, then who in their right mind would want to be anywhere near him?

Your speech is very moving. Thank you for sharing it here. It's great food for thought.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Colin. That was really important.

FuguesStateKnits said...

Hey, Colin - there's this really cool book out there called The Shack. It was self-published and now it's selling gazillions. In it, a man gets an inkling about the deep abiding, all-encompassing love God has for all of us. You might read it and feel otherwise - but that's OK, I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on it.
Take care and keep cool - oops I forgot you all already are in your neck of the woods, LOL!

FuguesStateKnits said...

Ali, you astonish me! Our God is not only a God of justice, but of infinite MERCY.
No, there's no "justice" in human terms. Our enemies are well and truly destroyed in the next life - not by being burned in the physical sense, but in being changed utterly from enemy to friend. And those parts of us that hurt others and work against God and His/Her love are also gradually destroyed.
If they - and we - choose it.
The death of Jesus on the Cross was God coming to us and saying - I'm bringing you ALL to me - not just those of you who know the secret handshake - ALL of you. You may not see Me in it, but I'm there, loving you and guiding you. You can choose to turn the other way, but I will never give up on you.
That's a long time. And when the Hitlers of the Universe are healed and learn to love, what rejoicing there will be in Heaven! The Law will not longer be needed; Justice is unnecessary because Mercy and Love will abide.
And, Ali, as you well know, "the greatest of these is Love" (1 Cor. 13).
Much love,