Mad Angel wrote(in part):
Sometimes the Power and Spirit channel themselves through some very interesting conduits.
Hi Paula-oh I went thru that one and still do at times. I was terribly concerned when I first realised I had a gift and I was meant to use it and that I was do my part in the spiritual realm. WHAT? ME? You must be kidding. I am completely f***ed up and far from saintly! then someone pointed out to me, gently, that if the Power waited for clean vessels, no teaching would get done! Well, they had a point I could see and I feel much more comfortable nowadays. Not always. I still doubt. I hope I always do. Certainty in ideas is dangerous.
So I am not so f***ed up, and have learned much from my journey and I do what I can to pass it on.
There are times I'd rather be at a 24/7 orgy and eating chocolate in between orgasms. On second thoughts, forget the orgasms and hand over the chocolate.....
I'm not willing to let this go...
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Knitting is still going on, but I've lost of bit of the mojo. It's OK I
always get it back and I highly doubt it won't this time as well. I am
t...
5 months ago
5 comments:
Colin, one day I'll learn to be careful not to read your blog while drinking my morning coffee! Or at least to put down the coffee before I read...
Thank you, Colin, for being You.
"On second thoughts, forget the orgasms and hand over the chocolate....."
I'm with you, Colin!
LOL, Colin! I must be getting old. I can't imagine being involved in an orgy at all, much less 24/7, but passing the chocolate sounds like a good idea. Send over some hi-test java for me and Iris, and we're good. ;-) And in the evening, I could happily switch to Bushmills 16 and a good Rory Gallagher video.
Jesting aside -- I am having a hard time coming to terms with whatever my "gift" is, because it is pushing me waaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone. It's becoming clearer and clearer to me that I embrace (sort of) Christianity because I am afraid not to. And I go to church, as I observed in a previous comment, because I find God in music, particularly the mass settings and anthems of the early to mid renaissance. The random dissonance in that music (Byrd's O Salutaris Hostia comes instantly to mind) is the blues of that era, and speaks to me just as clearly as Rory's Edged in Blue does to me today. No matter what I do or where I go, I always come back to music as one of the main things that drives me. But in church music, it is the lines of melody and counter-melody I sing, and where they fit in the whole, that moves me, not the texts. Words are too limited, and I definitely prefer Latin, because you don't have to fret about the interpretation if you don't want to.
The parish in which I sing now is not very nice about integrating the choir members into parish life. This may have more to do with the choirmaster than anything. He can be a terribly snooty, judging sort of fella, and we choristers get tarred with the same brush, simply by association. I don't feel very spiritually fulfilled there, but am not sure what to do about it at the moment, being as I have a long history in that place, and walking away probably means I can never go back, even if I wanted to. Fear of not singing. I see that's a kind of negative mind control as I write this. Oy. The price of petrol may well make the decision for me, though, so I won't look like the bad guy if I quit the choir. (Why do I still care what other people think, when I know it's pointless? Hmmmm...)
My cards keep pointing to this being a time to move on from things which no longer have heart and meaning for me, and I try to rationalize by saying, oh it still has SOME heart and meaning...it MUST. But I know where it's all leading and I know I have some hard decisions to make in the coming year.
This having spiritual gifts thing -- yeah, it's really uncomfortable. I have he same feelings you mention -- who, ME??? But I'm not Worthy...grovel, grovel, grovel...please let me off the hook. Pretty please? But ultimately I know there is no escape, and I have a job of some sort to do for the common good. Now, how the hell to determine my purpose, and how to go about doing as I am told without all those old messages tying my brain in knots?
Well, I may die trying, but at least I won't close my mind and stop learning. Thanks again for the challenges with which you present me so often.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
I'll take both, please:)
Mad Angel - I love your comment. It's funny - I had sort of the same experience as you are having now some ten or so years ago. I was RC and it had become a matter of rote and my heart wasn't in it and a bunch of other things I won't get into. Like you, I love to sing in the choir and did - the RC church has its negatives, but it also has a long history of beautiful human beings, artists, musicians and intellects and I did not want to turn my back on that. At the time, I wanted to find work that was more than just drawing a paycheck - I was an attorney at a real estate title company here in the US - I remember praying, asking God to show me what I should do with my life. Boy does She have a sense of humor! Within two years, I had completely changed the direction of my career and five years after that, was received into the Episcopal Church! What a hoot!
Watch out what you pray for, LOL;)
You may just get it!
Joan
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