Another ******* Post

I saw the doc today. Okay, did you know that Ibuprofen, Diclofenac and other NSAIDS, in long term use, cause heart attacks, stroke and kidney failure? No? Nor me. Now I know what she meant when she warned me about them.

Now I have taken the full whack dose daily for the last 6 days and it really made a difference. Now I have to quit. I can only do this once in about 8weeks and for no more than 10-14 dyas. great.

So I feel pissed off. I ate wheat today. smart. my guts feel wonderful. I also had a fag which tasted foul. I hate the damn things now I gave them up but they still have a draw for me.

Also feel at a bit of a loss to know how to support John. he came from a loving family and I can only try to imagine how he feels about the death of the woman who gave him life and loved him an cared for him. It's outside my experiences and makes me feel weird.

Interestingly, I was with my doc when my mobile went off and I had already told her what had happened so she told me to answer it. After John and I spoke, the doc had a gooey look on her face and she sad ' you two really take care of each other don't you? It's so romantic.' I didn't know what to say but thought well we are a couple and have been for almost 27 yrs and of course we watch out for each other, doesn't every couple? Seems not.

Sad for John and uncomfortable with feeling like I am not sure how to be there. Annoyed with myself for making my gut hurt cos of eating the wrong thing, and having the fag, especially when I had given myself permission to not swim today. I knew I needed to rest. So I swam 3 days in a row and did the mile each time, the 4th day i did two thirds if a mile and none today. I shall swim a mile tomorrow and probably follow this routine as it seems to have worked.

Oh but I forgot-no NSAIDS. I am told to dose up on my cocodomol (paracetamol and codeine) and if that isn't enough, the Tramadol(which I have never taken). It seems the only way to go for now is progressively stronger meds as my disease progresses until I am on a morphine patch. Well fF**k that, I think I shall just do what I have done mostly and put up with it.

The part that really bothers me now is that my hands hurt most of the time. Thankfully the doc still thinks that that more I use them the more they will last, so she thinks knitting is good. The fingers are a little more bent now but still mildly so. The knuckles are prominent. Oh and she called my condition poly something or other which I think just means widespread arthritis or in layman's terms - totally f**cked.

I told a woman in church the other night that I had TFS when she asked what was wrong with me. When she asked what what TFS was I told her it was Totally F**cked Syndrome. It amused me - and her when she recovered from the unexpected reply.