Monday, January 08, 2007

The End Is Nigh

The very idea is making some people very happy. From the scientists who swear we are ruining the weather, the religiously stupid who are thrilled that God is about to destroy all the people they don't like.

Thru most of the 70's I was heavily involved with the Jehovah's Witness cult. They were practically wet with glee then because they were convinced that The End Was Nigh then. Back in those days I was not who I am now. I was afraid and confused and believed I was bad, bad, bad. So much so I shaved my head because I was convinced I would find 666 burned into my skull. My brother, who was really into the cult, delighted in telling me that I was possessed by the Devil himself. (Strangely prior to this, the Roman Catholic nuns told me the same thing. They didn't like me asking why all the time. More about them later.)

My brother's constant bombarding me with doom and damnation led to me flipping out. I hallucinated (thanks to Haloperidol) and was convinced I was being attacked by demons. So in sheer terror, I rushed off to the Kingdom Hall where I burst thru the doors and begged for deliverance.

You should have seen their faces, particularly my brother's. It was a treat. Even in my state of high anxiety, it was like there was another sane part of me that was watching the proceedings. Hypocrites! this sane me thought. Instead of delivering me from the demons they had convinced me I was possessed by, they called for medical help! I know my brother never forgave me for the embarrassment he felt. It has not occurred to him, ever, to feel shame for what he did to me.

Now my brothers, I have an older one too, live by the same motto as my parents;deny everything. They could have have been in the FBI with that attitude. I was left to rot in the Laughing Academy for a year in the 70's because of their motto.

Should you think I am off the wall, you should know that one of my brothers, the ex JW, is now 'channelling' and works in Family Reconciliation charging people loads of money to hear the crap that comes out of his mouth in a silly accent. He preaches love and healing and reconciliation, and at the same time spews hate at his brother because he knows I know the truth.

Oh and back in the days I was being told by him about being possessed by the Demon Of Homosexuality, the Demon of Smoking, the Demon of Disbelief(they have a Demon for everything-but of course they are not affected by demons because they are chosen. Personally I think they are possessed by the Demon of Total Arseholes but I digress...) so anyway, here he was condemning me and guess what? You'll never guess..he was a big Nelly! Yes that's right folks, he is a HOMOSEXUAL.

Now you think that is weird? Take my older brother. He left home cos my of parents behaviour, specifically my Dad's. That left me as the main target of Dad's fists. Now he left home and travelled 14000 miles away. Talk about needing space. So a few years later when I was dragged here by them, I was looking forward to meeting up with this brother of mine. I needed an ally and someone to confide in about what had been going on. What a twit I was. Big brother had slipped into denial mode. He was nasty to say the least. Spent most of his time sucking up to Mum and Dad to let them know how good he was and deserving of their love and pride . Unlike me, who wasn't worth anything.(Yes I know why he is like that, and it is sad, but I don't want compassion and understanding to ruin a good story, thank you.)

Later, when I was admitted into this old Victorian, locked, Laughing Academy, here he was supporting my parents and saying how awful it was and how he could pay for me to get private treatment. The me that was outside of me, looking upon all this, knew that he had no such intention. He was saying this to yet again prove how good he was to my parents.

The Laughing Academy people seemed to think my problem was being gay. Actually it was their problem but why quibble over such a minor detail. Big brother offered support to my parents and even suggested they joined a support group for parents of gay children.

And guess what? You will never guess...he is an even bigger Nelly! yes, oh yes, big brother was busy boffing the man he shared a flat with. (I hadn't at that time learned to trust my instincts-the leather chaps in the flat should have given the game away...) So yes. He too is a HOMOSEXUAL. You couldn't make this stuff up. SOAP was quite real by comparison.

Now God, if you believe in such a thing, must have a sense of humour. My parents had three sons. (They were very family oriented-you know the type, put on a clean, righteous, holier than thou face to the world and treat your children like dirt on your shoe in the privacy of your own home.)

So there is God looking down upon this family of 5 and thinking to herself 'oh shit,this isn't working. Better put an end that family line'. And Bingo! The 3 sons are homosexual. No grandchildren. Oh the shame of it all. Makes me laugh just to think about it. Seriously. I think it is hysterical.

Perhaps I ought not to, but I do get a kick out of the fact that I have been in a steady one to one relationship, a marriage if you like, for nearly 26 years now. My brother's have not. They go thru one disaster after another. Of course, that is my fault. It always has been and always will be.

I am pleased to say that we live on different continents. Have not heard from them for years, thankfully. Apart from email I sent to my younger brother when I discovered via the net, what he was up to. By return I got a casual remark regarding the death of my mother. I had no clue she had died(18mths previously). No one had told me.

This turned out to be another healing point for me. With that little piece of knowledge, that my mother had died and they had not even bothered to tell me, told me loud and clear, once and for all, that they really were sick and wicked people and that I had nothing to fear from them. The residual guilt I felt went. I no longer think it was me. Not at all.

My attitude and feeling toward my mother has changed a great deal. In fact much has happened around my mother and me but that will have to be left for another time....


This post was going to be about the weather but I went off on a tangent...


Anonymous said...

I must have a wicked sense of humour, I laughed at
your family "history" except for the death in the
family. It is so true that people can't see the "mote"
in their own eye and prefer to spew hatred instead of
solving their own problems.

Anonymous said...

It's a testiment to a strong mind that you've survived and shaped up so nicely. But The Weather??? You do go off on tangents. :)

I know too well what a dysfunctional family can do that to a person. But we can build a new family set, thanks goodness, and get right on with becoming the best we can be, eh?

CP Warner said...

I like your tangents, Colin. Please keep going off on them!You're now on my list of daily blog reads for sure. Thanks for visiting my blogs and admiring my Pemmies. They really are the lights of my life. Nothing like a dog's companionship, is there? I've been admiring your Lhasas and Dachsies, too. :-)


Anonymous said...

Crikey Colin, you do go off on one. I can completely sympathise with the dysfunctional family bit and I think even now 46 years later I am still figuring it out. My Mother, the root, I thought at the time of all my fears died over 15 years ago, but that doesn't stop the trying to make sense of it all. I now realise that she was as much a victim as I was, I was unfortunately for me close enough to become her victim. I was terrified of becoming a parent in case I ended up being as abusive to my children as she was to me. Like you I am a very different person today than I was 20 years ago. Like you it takes the love and patience of a good man to make you believe in yourself.